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Young Writers Society



Huntress: Chapter 2.3- Pride [Edited; LMS]

by Featherstone


Kennewick’s mansion was huge, bigger than anything I’d seen. It was made of stone and was two stories, with a large courtyard and walled gardens. The horses’ hooves clacked across the cobbled road as we came up to the entrance of the palace. I was the last one out, trying not to stare at the huge building- it would be a dead giveaway that I didn’t belong there.

‘Lord Arsalaan’ helped me out of the carriage as Felicia drove off and offered me his arm. I took it and the two of us followed Lynx inside to the ballroom.

The only room I’d been in that was the same size as this one was the Lair, which served as a home, a kitchen, a hideaway, and a workplace. But this…this was only for one purpose- parties. He could afford a room as large as the Guild’s own hall but that was entirely for entertainment. Any guilt I might have felt at stealing from Lord Kennewick immediately dissipated.

The man himself was there in the ballroom entertaining early arrivals. When he saw us enter, he came over to greet us.

“Ah, Lord Gunju,” he welcomed Lynx. “It’s a pleasure to see you again. Who is this you’ve brought?”

“The pleasure is mine, Lord Kenniwick,” the Wildcat said with a bow. “This is Lord Arsalaan of Gorenstead and Lady Branwen of White Raven.”

“A pleasure to meet you both. Do come and make yourselves comfortable. How have you been?”

As the two old ‘friends’ spoke I surveyed the room. A small orchestra was in the corner providing music for the dancers. A large table sat towards the left side of the room, presumably for the feast. Judging by the amount of chairs I guessed that there would be thirty or so nobles coming. But what about the falcon?

It was his prized possession, so of course he would be showing it off. The chair at the head of the table had claw marks on the back from the bird, so it would probably be brought out during the meal and returned to the mews after so that at all times it was secure. I couldn’t take it while it was in the ballroom- there were simply too many eyes. Even the best sneak couldn’t pull that off. Thus, I either had to break into the mews and steal the bird from there or intercept the falconer as he was transporting the bird.

The orchestra began a new as I analyzed the room and my options, and Ari swept me up in a dance. I didn’t resist as he lead me to the middle of the floor, nearer to the music.

“Plan?” he whispered in my ear.

“Either I get into the mews or I intercept the falconer,” I muttered back.

“The lock will be difficult if you choose the former.”

“I picked the one into the Guild. It’ll be fine.”

“You have to wait until after the meal,” he pointed out. “Or they’ll notice. Pretend to feel ill right after the feast and I’ll cover for you. Excuse yourself and do your work. We’ll meet you at the stables.”

I nodded as Ari began the innocent small talk that most nobles used when they mingled.

A few hours later and the feast was laid out. Kennewick said a prayer to Tiamat, the primary human deity, and we began to eat. Sure enough, a nearly pure white falcon was brought in and placed on the back of Kennewick’s chair. It’s plumage was like snow, and it was bigger than any longwing I’d seen- more like hawk sized than falcon. It wore a green hood with the plumes of a pheasant on the top knot. The bells that jingled about its ankles were engraved -I could tell from how the light glinted off of them- and embossed with silver and gold. A prized bird indeed.

For two hours I sat and ate and spoke to these other detestable rich folk. After what seemed like an eternity we finally returned to dancing and mingling and the hawk was brought back to its mew.

That was my cue. I swayed slightly and leaned my hand on the wall, as though for support, closing my eyes and panting slightly as though I didn’t feel well.

“Lady Branwen?” Ari said. “My Lady?”

“I…I’m alright,” I breathed, regaining my feet.

“No, that won’t do. Why don’t you go get some air? I’ll let Lord Gunju and Lord Kennewick know that we will depart early.”

“No, really, I’m alright.”

“Branwen,” he said sternly. “You are ill. Now go take a breather while I inform them.”

“Yes, Lord Arsalaan,” I said, bowing my head as I stepped outside.

Thank the gods that was over. I moved into the shadow of the manor and slipped off my heeled shoes, leaving them behind a corner. Now to find the mews and get that damn bird.

I hitched up my skirt and walked in silence towards the long building that housed the raptors. It was a moonless night, and with only the starlight to betray my presence I made my way to the locked door. I slipped a lockpick out of my sleeve and began working it in the lock, biting my lip in concentration.

Finally it clicked and the door swung open, revealing rows of small rooms with hawks within them, tethered or free-lofted. I padded to the back where I found the equipment and grabbed the dutch hood, slipping it into my bag, and then found myself a much more practical one to use that was made of plain leather with a simple top knot as well as a glove to fit my hand.

I looked through the small window in each door until I found the bird I was looking for and promptly fished out my lockpicks once more. Again I inserted the slim wire into the lock and opened it, leaving me looking in on a small room with the hawk tethered to a block perch in the middle of a pebbled floor. I pulled on the glove and approached the bird, praying it wouldn’t make a sound to betray my presence.

It simply watched me and bobbed its head in interest. I showed it my fist, unsure of how to pick it up. I didn’t want to whistle like the falconers did, but that was the only way I’d seen them call their hawks. Evidently, I didn’t need the whistle, for it leaped to my hand without hesitation or expectation of a reward. I grabbed its jesses in my hand and fished out the hood I’d grabbed.

That was when I realized I didn’t know how to use the damn thing. After many attempts, I finally managed to get the thing over the birds head and draw the braces. I grabbed a knife and cut the bells off its ankles so they didn’t jingle as I carried it.

Without a sound I returned to the stables, retrieving my shoes on the way. I turned the corner, opened the door-

And there was Kennewick, waiting to send me off. Luckily, the bird on my fist was still hidden behind the door of the barn. If it hadn’t been hooded I would have sent it off my fist, but I doubted it would go anywhere blinded as it was.

“I’m sorry to hear that you are ill, Lady Branwen,” he said. “It was a pleasure meeting you.”

My heart was beating a million miles an hour, a pit was in my stomach, a lump sat in my throat. “The pleasure was mine, Lord Kennewick,” I managed to choke out without sounding completely terrified.

I glanced back at Ari and Lyn, who were watching, just as scared as I was that he’d realize I was hiding my hand.

Felicia wasn’t there.

I sent a prayer to Shadowfang, the goddess of shadows and deception, hoping against all odds that we’d somehow get out of this.

“I trust we will meet again soon,” Kennewick was saying.

“I look forward to that day,” I responded, as I felt the bird shift off my hand. I risked a glance too see Felicia lifting the bird onto her own ungloved arm. She pulled the gauntlet off of me and disappeared behind the corner of the barn just as Kennewick stepped past me and returned inside.

All three of us released our bated breath as Felicia came in the back of the stables with the bird on her fist.

“Did you get the hood and bells?” Lynx asked me.

“Yes sir.”

“Good.”

Felicia led the horses outside and once more we boarded the carriage. 


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61 Reviews


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Sun Apr 23, 2017 3:09 pm
Feltrix wrote a review...



I don't need to say who a I am or why I'm here, because it says everything you need to know is
<---- and ∆
¡
¡

When Agrona breaks into the room, I'd add a little more description of lock picking, because it sounds like she sticks the wire in and the door opens. It's supposed to be hard to pick, right?

If I were writing these chapters, I would have something go more wrong than how wrong it went, if that makes sense. There was tension in that particular section of the chapter, but I didn't feel a lot of apprehension at other times.

"Yes sir." needs a comma, but that was the only grammar, spelling, or wording thing that I would change. That's a first, through all of my reviewing, so, kudos!

I would have some more descriptions of what the party is actually like, possibly with Agrona accidentally blowing their cover. It's pretty much just stated that the party happens, I don't really see it happening.

Anyway, well done on this chapter! In that last scene, I definitely got apprehensive, which proves you've done a good job writing it, and that I've gotten attached to Agrona.

Keep writing!

Feltrix




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Sun Mar 26, 2017 2:58 pm
regismare wrote a review...



Hey featherstone. Back again ^-^

This was a very exciting installment. It kept me on the edge of my seat, especially because I expected something to go wrong. You conveyed Agrona's fear so well I thought it might cause her to mess up or back out at some point, and her lack of experience with falcons had be thing she might do something wrong and cause the falcon to draw attention to her.

There is a lack of clarity in some parts of this chapter that I thinks stems from a lack of description during important scenes. I like your minimalistic style of writing, but sometimes during this chapter it just wasn't enough to get across everything that needed to be gotten across. I also find it hard to imagine just what everything looks like in this chapter - vagueness and leaving things up to the reader can be a great tactic but I think there's a little too much of it in this chapterlet.

Not to critique your plot too hard - I'm sure you have bigger, better mistakes ready for your characters - but I really did expect something to go wrong! It was a little bit of a disappointment when they got away with nothing but a scare, but it does free them up for later adventures. I've also noticed that the Pack haven't been mentioned much since the first chapter - which makes me thing it's going to play a role or reappear later on. I can't wait!

Now, the nitpicks:

‘Lord Arsalaan’

I get what you're trying to do here and it would work really well, but perhaps not use the apostrophe marks. It could easily be confused with dialogue. Italics would stop this from happening, and keep Agora's wry personality coming through.

For two hours I sat and ate and spoke to these other detestable rich folk.

And we don't get to see any of the conversations? Just little snippets of whatever goes on would be so interesting, and seeing Agrona's responses, too, to all of the aristocrats would be fascinating.

long building that housed the raptors

How does she know it housed the raptors?

My heart was beating a million miles an hour, a pit was in my stomach, a lump sat in my throat.

We really get a sense of how scared she is.

Ooh, that was tense! I'll see you in the next chapter : )

-regismare




Featherstone says...


Glad you enjoyed :) Thanks for taking the time to read and review!



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Wed Mar 08, 2017 5:21 am
EternalRain wrote a review...



Oooh, this chapter made me nervous! The anxiety of Agrona really came through and I myself was a bit worried about whether Kennewick would find them out or not. I think that emotion - or that nervous feeling - was really nicely conveyed and it definitely felt like an intense, tight moment!

I actually think I liked this part the best out of all three in chapter two (is this the last part?). It felt the strongest and I definitely feel it was the most exciting! There's only one three, really, that I had to critique about for this part and it's pretty small.

When she grabs the bird and puts it in the bag and then runs into Kennewick, I wasn't really sure where the bird was/what was going on then? It seemed a bit contradicting or maybe I just wasn't imagining the scene as you had intended. There's one line where it mentions the bird was behind the door, then behind her hand, and that just wasn't too clear? I'm not too sure if her hand was behind the door, but adding in some extra description there would be helpful for the reader.

I really think that's all for this part! I know you love birds so it's nice to see you writing about something you love - and I'm not quite sure, at this point, how important the falcon is towards the plot but it still includes something you're interested in which is always important!

Have a lovely day. :]

~EternalRain




Featherstone says...


I make it a goal to have some sort of bird somewhere in all of my stories XD. The falcon does play a part later rather indirectly...well, I don't want to spoil it for you. The bird was on her fist and the fist was behind the door. I'll go back and edit that when I get the time. Once again, thank you for reading and reviewing!




You got rid of them. Yes, that's just like you. Getting rid of everything unpleasant instead of learning to put up with it.
— Aldous Huxley, Brave New World