z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Infinity waits for No One

by KiraThePotatoChip


Rose petals dance across the wind, the light shines upon the gold. Always my life has been despair, laden with a fire but also a chill. I am not a good man, this I know. I am no poet, no man, no boy, no human. I am not a monster, nor a demon, I am broken. These are my thoughts, not a poem. These are my emotions, not a story. I struggle to know who I am, I feel alive and filled with emotion, yet dead and empty at night. I struggle to understand who I am, I want to be more. I can't be more, I don't know how, I need help, but I won't accept it. I cannot fix myself in the slightest, I need a guiding hand. I am not independent, I cannot function. I need someone close to my heart, yet despise the world and its people. Music, a simple solace, cannot take away the emotion that ripples through my body. I am a machine, I am a human, yet in both states I remain broken. I don't know who I am, I need someone to tell me, but I can't accept that answer. I am a hero in my mind, a devil in life. My life conflicts itself, I am both a good and a bad person, I am an introvert who needs company. I need a place to call home, I want to see the stars more than before. I wish for my death to come soon, I want to touch the sky alone. I am a husk of a human, I am a soulless child. I need some air. I need to be near everyone, yet removed from them. I long to sit on a tall building in a busy city, staring at the stars at night. I want to feel joy, but I also want to feel anguish. I am a symbol of imbalance. I cannot stay in one place, I need to be free, flowing like a river. My name, it does not matter, it's a silly thing, I want to be someone else. I want to have all the time in the world to do whatever I want, I want the freedom to do what I want. I want to fly through the sky, wind against my face. I want to fall asleep under the cherry tree, petals brushing my face. I want to sit in the rain with someone to talk to, I want so much, yet shall receive so little. I am no one, I do not exist. Infinity waits for No One. I see this now. My name, does not matter, this is true, yet shared it shall be. Format means nothing here, nor on my life. I see no end to my suffering. 

I am Infinity, and I wait for No One. I am the one named Caleb, such a trivial name. I don't know what I'd go by without it, but at the same time I dislike it. I am pain and anger, but only to myself. I am tired and worn. I am Infinity.

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Mon Feb 20, 2017 12:19 am
rosette wrote a review...



Hey Kira! (so you like potato chips, huh? Well, so do I xP)

This is a very sad yet simple piece. I'll be honest with you: I have been tempted to share something like this before but I mean, its all my journal and that's so personal! Anyway, it really touched my heart and if this is truly you speaking, or someone else you know then please let me know! Its all very understandable and tragic...

Here are some thoughts on this:
1. To begin with, I think you should split up that first paragraph a little to make it easier to read. Not all of it but a few sentences here and there that really stand out, and would create a greater emphasis.

2. Most of your sentences, I noticed, kind of run on... and on. For example: I can't be more, I don't know how, I need help, but I won't accept it. You have all these mini statements jammed together behind one period. You don't always have to put a period after a statement, don't get me wrong. This sentence could go two ways and more! "I can't be more - I don't know how. I need help, but I won't accept it." OR "I can't be more. I don't know how. I need help, but I won't accept it."A lot of your sentences (too many to point out) could use this touch-up but don't mind me. I'm just giving advice here. ;P

3. Some things here confused me. The first sentence, especially. Rose petals dance across the wind, the light shines upon the gold. I don't see the point of this. Its a completely different scenario than the whole rest of your work and doesn't make much sense. What light? What gold? Then, your last little paragraph. I am Infinity you say. This was a little... different. Certainly not what I was expecting. Infinity is just, well, it goes on forever. How can I give a definition of it? Yet you describe yourself (or whoever this is) in such amazing detail. You even have a name. Its very puzzling.

Anyway, my overall impression of this was woah because its so relatable! Aargh. We all need help, don't we? xP I enjoyed this very much, Kira and great, great job! Believe it or not... that sums up my review!
Have a great day and all that stuff!

cheers
-TheKid






Thanks for the review! I'll clear up a few things and answer some questions, so here we go. These are indeed my thoughts, a reflection of myself, yet also the opposite of me at times. The run on sentences are really just rambling. The entire piece is rambling, and when I ramble I can go on and on. The entire work is showing my life that I want, not the one I have. I am a happy person, I live a good life, but I want something more. I know proper formatting for the most part, so I like to not use a lot of the noticeable formatting when I write something about myself. A brick of text is hard to read, just like me. I am not a person to be understood, I am here as a memory for others. The imagery at the beginning is something I would find pretty. Rose petals as a hurricane, swarming around me as a golden cityscape shines in the evening. I am Infinity, not in the sense that I am forever, or eternal, but in the sense that I will leave behind a memory of who I am.



rosette says...


Ah - I see. Thank you for explaining. That's enlightening. : )



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Sun Feb 19, 2017 4:26 pm
Dest wrote a review...



Rose petals dance across the wind, the light shines upon the gold.

Pretty description. But, I wonder where the narrator is that there is gold.

Always my life has been despair, laden with a fire but also a chill.


I don't think that "been despair" is particularly wrong, but I'm so used to "my life has had despair."

I like this mysterious opening. I guess the narrator is a God or some type of timeless being. This person contemplates what they need and how nothing fixes them. What made them broken? How do they know that they are broken?

I am a machine, I am a human, yet in both states, I remain broken.

But, I thought they weren't human? Maybe adding "I am not fully human" would help. This part just happened to confuse me a bit.

I don't know who I am, I need someone to tell me, but I can't accept that answer.

It seems like this narrator is blocking out the truth. Like, they know their past or whatever but can't relive the memories.

I long to sit on a tall building in a busy city, staring at the stars at night.

I like this imagery. The narrator has such a restless soul.

Music, a simple solace, cannot take away the emotion that ripples through my body.


I want to feel joy, but I also want to feel anguish.

I thought the narrator could have emotions. So, they can not?

Infinity waits for No One.

Why is "no one" capitalized?

Format means nothing here, nor on my life. I see no end to my suffering.

Where is here? Heaven? Hell? Time?

I am the one named Caleb, such a trivial name.

Why is Infinity named Caleb? Who gave them that name?

Overall:

I know it's first person narrative but there are a lot of "I am". I suggest combining some sentences with conjunctions or varying the word usage. Also, if possible a few more paragraphs would make this easier to read.

Despite all my questions, I did like reading this. I guess it would be torture to be immortal, but I feel like something traumatic happened to Infinity/Caleb for all this self-reflection.

Keep writing!






Thanks so much for the review! Now, to clear up most of the questions and a few other things. The big thing people seem to not like in writing is contradictions. I love contradictions, it puts my mind into words. The entire piece is actually a reflection of me, as well as an opposite of me in certain areas. The first sentence is just some imagery with no meaning, a sight that I would find pretty. The narrator, as both a reflection and opposite of me feels nothing, yet everything. Contradictions again, but then again, it really needs only to make sense to me. These are my thoughts, my fears, my anguish, my love, everything I feel I write. It is meant to be shared, but often not understood. Infinity waits for No One. No One refers to many things, but to keep it simple, No One represents a few people, things, and events. I am Infinity, and I wait for No One, that is the context. The narrator is actually waiting for someone, something to change. Here refers to many things as well. Here, as in this website because meta. Here as in eternity. Here is everything. Infinity has a name. This name was given, but viewed as pointless. Similar to me, I find no point in my real name. A name means nothing if it is not independent. I carry my fathers last name, attached with that name is a legacy. I do not wish to live a legacy, I wish to become something by myself. If this didn't clear much up sorry, but hey, contradictions and my personal reflection don't need to make sense to anyone.




i got called an enigma once so now i purposefully act obtuse
— chikara