Young Writers Society

Hey, crobbins here for a review!

First off, I love your voice!

I think this is well written, but I did see some hiccups in the writing.

First thing, as pkidchick said, I do agree you should label your verses. I think labelling everything will make it easier to follow along with. I love that you did label the choruses, but I think the verses need it too.

I particularly like this quote: "I know that there's a way out of here, but I can't find the sun.
The devil's got a firm hold on me, and he digs in his claws." I think these are beautifully made and the descriptors are beautifully used.

I somewhat disagree with pkidchick that the bridge seems a tad bit forced. I followed along with it well, and think it did a good job of furthering the plot. The lines, "demons rise up from the ground
and bind my hands with rope..." were especially powerful to me. I like this metaphor and the symbolism behind the bridge is very striking.

The chorus is also very strong!

I love how you ended the song as well:
"oooh, mountain wind let me go
oooh, mountain wind take me home
oooh, mountain wind take me home
oooh, mountain wind let's go home"

I think this brought the song around full circle. It brought a sense of closure for me. I loved it.

So, overall, good job! I would love to read more of your songs! (PS: I'm sort of jealous I can't write songs like this, haha!)

-crobbins

Wow. You have a lovely voice! And this song - it just so beautiful... and mysterious. I love it!
And don't know what to say, honestly.

But excuse me; I must review now. To begin with (and this isn't super major or anything) I think you should identify Verse 1 and Verse 2. After the first stanza under Chorus you have another stanza there and at first, I thought it was part of the Chorus but when you didn't sing it... well, I'm assuming no.

As for the actual song, it was like I said before very mysterious and intriguing. However, the second verse was a little confusing. I'm sure you're talking specifically of something here but this one line, and loneliness crowds the cards , I didn't understand. What cards? What are the cards used for? Why are they crowded by loneliness? This song reminds me of somebody living deep in the woods, who believes in witchcraft or whatnot. But they want to be free. Of course, I have no idea if that's what you actually intended - this is just the impression I received.

Now on to the Bridge... so far, everything is very sing-able and wonderfully shiver-evoking but the Bridge seemed to throw a stop to this. I don't see how it flows with the rest of the song, nothing rhymes (not like it did with everything else, but I see how you worked it) and its very abrupt. Now don't get me wrong: it makes perfect sense, but doesn't quite seem to have the same mmmh as everything. (now that was just confusing, wasn't it?)

Overall, this was very nice and interesting and I liked your sample tune (please keep it). By the way, was that you playing the piano?! It was gorgeous!

I have no idea if you found this helpful at all... I sincerely hope you did... But great job anyway and keep up the good work! : )

adieu
-TheKid