"You are a warrior," she told me.
She told me that in a gritty, dirty fast food restaurant, while we were sharing stories. While I listened to her words, her irises shimmering with unshed tears. Felt tears of my own burning behind my eyes, but held them back, because I knew how to control the waves of pain crashing into the wall I'd spent so many years erecting around my heart.
"You're strong. Stronger than me," he said to me.
He said that to me as I sat on his bed and wept, head hanging, the tears falling freely onto my hands. Wept because he wanted to climb over that wall I spent so many years erecting around my heart. I could feel those waves lapping over the top of the wall, spilling over the sides. So I sucked in a breath and stacked more bricks, making it higher and higher, hiding more of the pain. And I shut him out, when I knew I shouldn’t have. Shut out the one person that I knew could help me.
"You're a real fighter, you know that?" She grinned as she said that.
As we sat on the couch, trying to sift through the memories we shared. And I mentally stared at that wall, monitoring it, as I spoke about a time when I was not a fighter. Watched as nothing pushed against the tall, solid wall erected around my heart, nothing lapping over the top. A tiny flutter of satisfaction slid along the wall, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I'd accomplished something. She had no idea that I'd locked myself away. No idea that her daughter was hiding from the world. She just listened and nodded and smiled as I spoke with no emotion at all.
"I don't know how you do it," she marvelled.
I just grinned as they stared with wide eyes and slack jaws. It all seemed so miniscule, telling them what happened to me. Admitting I was left on the side of the road. Seeing the horror and the pity on their faces. And I watched that wall, so tall and solid, never moving, higher than it was last time I looked at it. How do I do it? How do I smile through all of the pain? I can smile because of that wall. The wall that hides me from the world. Keeps the pain away.
"I wish I had your strength," I get told.
"You are a warrior," they tell me.
There are times where it's a little more difficult to believe those words. There are times where that wall cracks and trembles, and there aren't enough bricks to stack atop it to make it taller. There are times where the waves of pain crash and crash against the wall, some seeping through the cracks, some washing over the top. And I sit in silence, the tears escaping my eyes, those grey eyes that hide everything so expertly. I sit in silence and cry, those memories flitting through my mind, dragging me down, down –
Down.
Into the dark.
Where I forget who I am, forget what I have. Where those words mean nothing in that endless, inky abyss of darkness. Where I free fall, further from the edges of my mind, from that pale light growing duller and duller. Until I stop falling, and all around me is dark numbness, that dark numbness that has helped me so many times.
Through the darkness, I hear sobbing. Tears fall onto my shoulder, soaking into my shirt. Something flickers in that darkness, and the tiny speck of grey above me pulses. Something tugs on my mind, pulling at me faintly, softly. A whimpering. Words. Pleading words. My name.
The darkness starts to fade, and there he is. Staring at me with his tear streaked face, the fear and sadness in his eyes. But never any pity or horror. He's always there, always trying to pull me from that darkness. The only person I know can help me, and I shut him out. The person that sees those scars and the wall, but still tries, still cares. And a part of me cracks and trembles, because I’m the only one that can help him. For him, I will fight, I will be strong.
They call me Warrior.
For him. I will be.
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139,298 Literary Works • 672,525 Reviews
This story is extremely vague, is it supposed to be? Was there something I was supposed to read beforehand? I don't know these characters, I have no connection, It's like being dropped into an uncomfortable conversation but not knowing anyone so you sit there holding your hands together awkwardly. At first, I thought they were at a restaurant, but I think you mentioned something about a bed? Is your character telling this story to multiple people? If so work on transitions, because I had no idea where they were or who the person is telling the story too. Are they in one place with multiple people? You should work on how to introduce characters and how to make it so they just don't show up out of nowhere.
To get back to that emotion thing. With stories, your supposed to inflict emotion. Without proper introduction or any knowing of this character of what they had been thrown. it fails to give the reader a strong emotion. Work on the connection of reader and the character, whether through changing POV, giving more plot, or characterising more, is up to you.
I think your sentences would get a lot more power if you avoided, and, and so. For future reference also avoid but, suddenly and immediately. You deserve more than them, your work just sounds better without them. For instance "Seeing the horror and the pity on their faces. And I watched that wall, so tall and solid, never moving, higher than it was last time I looked at it." you could rewrite as "Seeing the horror and the pity on their faces. I watched that wall, so tall and solid, never moving, higher than it was last time I looked at it." Just removing the word make the sentence both flow better and makes it stronger.
Your writing is fantastic with lots of beautiful language, it just needs a couple revisions.
I think the no naming of the character was intentional it's more of a metaphorical reading.
As for the words you suggested they avoid in the future, I think they add emphasis on certain aspects...That's just my opinion.
~Mem
Hi! I get your point on the emphasis thing, but the not starting a sentence with and or but is more of a grammar literally rule. The things with suddenly and immediately often sound underdeveloped. They are okay placeholders, but you can always be more discriptive. It's also a common thing in the older more published writing community not to use these words. Better to just get out of habit now.
Not naming the character is fine, just seems odd for a piece of writing like this. Odd doesn't necessarily mean bad.
I appreciate your review, although this isn't supposed to be an actual ... Story. It's supposed to be metaphors and describing the emotions of the narrator. There aren't supposed to be characters. I wrote it this way because it's also based on a young person's thoughts, so I tried to make it seem more like Thoughts and speech than formal text. I do know how to write formally and I don't actually start my sentences with 'and' and 'but' in my novels. The vagueness your mentioned is also deliberate, because as I said, there are no characters, it's simply about the narrator. And the 'settings' are more to emphasise the dialogue, which are really more quotes than anything. As for the emotion, I'm sorry it doesn't really do it for you. I did put a lot of emotion into it, and this piece is based off someone's experiences in life, so I'm sorry if I sound a bit sensitive on the matter of the emotions, it's just because this piece is very close to home.
I hope this helps to understand it more, because it isn't a story, more metaphors and a youth's thought process.
Thank you very much for your review ^^
Hello, Basil!
I'm here reviewing for RED, and I sincerely hope you're doing great.
1st Thoughts
I found this a remarkable, touching story. It was so beautiful and inspiring, and okay, I'll admit it *sucks in breath & tries not to cry* I really, really really loved this!
But... I am here for a review... and some questions... (if that's alright)... so if you'll excuse me... lets get to business here.
The protagonist in here is revealed to be a strong, warrior-like girl - actually, you know what? You never did say if this is a girl or a boy, but, considering the circumstances, I'd definitely say this is not a guy. (Perhaps you should clarify that). But anyway, this certain person has apparently been through a lot, no one knows how she did it, they nickname her Warrior, etc., etc. My question is: Why? Why do they call her Warrior? What did she do? What happened to her?
Your story ends:
When I first read this, I was all "awwwwweee!" because its so stinkin' sweet, but then I went "Wait-what?!" Mr. Him is not quite defined here. Once more I'm assuming, assuming that he is a boyfriend or something like that. And also assuming he's that guy in the second paragraph, where she's sitting on his bed. I really don't like to assume, so I think it'd be best if you kind of cleared this up. [Note: In that first sentence you separate the two statements by commas. I'm a-thinkin' a period would be better]
Grammar Stuff
Your usage of sentences beginning with And is effective in many cases, but I think you may have over-used that here. Honestly, in some instances I don't see why you began with an And. I won't go over EVERY SINGLE example but here's one for you:
You'll recognize this as a part of your Grand Finale. This is purely my own opinion but I suggest editing that And out and maybe beginning the sentence with "He is always there..." But you totally do NOT have to do that. This is your story, after all!
I feel rather silly pointing this one out... gosh, I'll do it anyhow.
This is the ONLY spelling error that caught my eyes; no, it did not escape them. Ahem, ahem. " eascaping" should be "escaping." I know! I'm sorry. I can't help myself sometimes.
Overall
This was just so, so Gorgeous! I loved every detail of it, the comparisons, the people, Miss Warrior Girl herself. It was written so marvelously and really touched my heart. Also: It totally reminded me of someone I know and I LOVE when stories do that (don't ask me why because I have no idea). The narrator is hurting, damaged, leaving you just aching to comfort her. It truly was realistic. Anyway, enough of my gushing.
Have a great day Basil and
May all your works be a success.
-TheKid
Aww thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed this!! I'd been figuring out how to write this for a while, so I'm glad that I've done a good job!!
To answer your questions :3
They call her Warrior because she's had a rough life. She's gone through a lot. I don't want to go into great detail for a few reasons (mainly because I don't know what would be too brutal or what would be okay for people to read). Although when she was talking to her friends, it does say she was left on the side of the road. I was hoping that was enough, hopefully not too much. She's just had a rough life, and everyone calls her Warrior because she appears to have overcome it all and is always smiling and happy.
The Him is indeed a significant person to the warrior girl (I like that you assumed she could have been a guy ^^). Boyfriend probably is the correct term, but I want it to run deeper than that. I will try and find a way to make him a little more defined so it doesn't leave too many people wondering ^^
I did try not to have 'And' at the beginning of sentences too many times. I'll go and fix that up ^^ Make it flow more. As for that spelling mistake ... grr. I did write it on my phone (I have Word on my phone, it's where I write most of my novels) so that little error would have been hidden away in the words. I shall change that so it's the correct spelling. Thank you for pointing it out for me!!
I'm so very glad that you enjoyed this! It makes me happy to know that I have stirred the heart of the reader :3 I am kind of curious to know who this reminds you of ^^ It's none of my business, of course, if you don't want to share.
Thank you very much, again
You're welcome, Basil! I'm so glad my review appeared to be somewhat helpful. Ah, the narrator reminds me of someone in my family... similar struggles and all. Thanks for answering my questions, though!
Cheers!
Hey there, this is really amazing and super powerful.
First the boring stuff Grammatical Etc. errors:
This is slightly confusing and I think you meant to say I because you then explain how the narrator is holding back tears.
This has a lot of meaning packed into it and without saying much you really make it strong. I love your use of a wall and the waves that occasionally crash over. You don't name anyone in your piece, but there are many different people and I can easily tell each one apart from the others. without much description I can feel the personality of the narrator both inside and what they present outside. You are also able to jump around many times, but you connect each different part well enough that it doesn't become confusing.
You use many technics that are hard in writing with causing the reader to become extremely confused, but you are able to perfect each of these and I never was confused. Amazing job!!
Sláinte -Junel
Thank you so very much!! Although I was meant to say hoping she wouldn't cry, so maybe I'll add something to it so it makes sense ^^ the reason the narrator isn't crying is because she is holding back the tears and emotions with the wall. But thank you so very much