z

Young Writers Society



Shadowsong: Chapter 1.2

by Featherstone


I lay, still, amidst eternal shadows. A flood of silence was all that could be heard. A loneliness ate a hole in my heart, my thoughts alone and without meaning.

Where was Darkness? Where was my bond? For now I was only half of my former self, chained away with all my magic taken and bound. The night was my friend, but even I tired of it, as one of the light would if trapped in eternal sun. When would they sleep? When would they rest? When would there be change?

I bowed my head, closing my multi-colored eyes. Three hundred years I had been there, trapped, chained, imprisoned in that oblivion, that chasm of abyss.

Why had I lost? What had I done wrong? Why hadn't Cornix come?

But he would soon come, to free me. Not Cornix, the Master of Lies, but the other one, the Harbinger of Light and his cursed magpie. The one who had put me here in the first place.

Darkness, where have you gone? Darkness, my friend, my soul, my heart, my mind, where are you now? Darkness, the one who is with me always, why did they take you away, leaving me alone?

Why couldn't they have just killed me, instead of leaving me to endure these endless years of solitude and despair? Why did they betray me, cast me away? What had I done? Why was I the one of shadow, the one who stood apart from all the rest, distrusted and despised?

Life was a labyrinth, was it? A web of fate? Or was it simply an endless loop of constant pain?

I didn't regret what I'd done. Not anymore. I had, once, the guilt gnawing at me. But the humans, the elves, the halflings and gnomes- they were nothing. Simply sheep, going with the herd, never making a difference. Lambs to the slaughter. I was simply the butcher, giving souls to the Grimm Reaper herself.

The single regret I did have was losing. Losing the battle against the traitorous angel that put me here. Losing time as I scrambled for guidance so many millennia ago. Losing trust. Losing faith. Losing half my spirit as she was yanked away from me, leaving me here.

The chains that bound me rattled as I shifted. Once, I had tried to fight them- trying to use magic, lockpicks, sheer force- but nothing had worked. Nor would it ever. The Lightwings, the angels, had spelled this cage specially for me, casting wards more powerful than anything else in that tower.

The flicker of torchlight pierced the darkness, a sword reaching its mark. A key clicked in the lock, and the ancient door opened for the first time in centuries.

A man in gold-washed full plate and a feathered cloak entered the cell, a longsword strapped to his back. A leucistic corvid perched on his shoulder, watching me acutely. I could feel the aura of light radiating from him, the same way I once radiated darkness before I'd been bound by those horrid chains.

"A tempest comes, a storm like never before," I rasped without looking up. "Tendrils of shadow reap the land, tongues of flame devouring in its wake. You must fight fire with fire." I never knew how I knew those things, and they were never very specific, always twisted, symbolistic, and unclear, in constant need of puzzling to unlock their secrets. Sometimes they came in visions. Other times, I simply knew.

"I wish to make a deal," he told me.

That was right. I had power- momentous power, unlike any other except Lyrel. He, however, was light- I was shadow in its purest form. So, naturally, when he couldn't fight the demons that came in waves, when city after city fell, he came to me. The best way to defeat an enemy is with one- and with that in mind, he freed me, I assumed against his better judgement.

"A deal is simply a twisted offer filled with deceptions and lies," I pointed out to my former mentor.

"An offer, then."

"Bring me Darkness, I will bring Luminescence," I told him.

"If we bring you Darkness, you will come with us and help us defeat Cornix." Cornix, my king, my lord, my master. Defeat him, the master of lies, with me, the seer of truth? He was the only one who had helped me so many years ago…

"Using truth against the utmost deceiver, defeating deception with the deceived."

"What does that mean?"

I shrugged. I saw, I didn't translate.

"So, we have a deal? We bring you your bond and you will help us destroy that demon?"

"Yes, Lyrel. We have a deal." I lied through my teeth. Ironic, wasn't it? The embodiment of truth lying? I would never betray my master. But this was an opportunity I couldn't deny- freedom, being reunited with the bird who's soul was entwined with mine, and a chance to backstab that traitorous angel?

He approached me, pulling a golden ring from his belt. He clasped around my wrist. I felt it glow, and winced at it's light. The bracelet dimmed, then went dark once more.

The paladin released me from my chains. "That will keep you from using your magic without my permission, so don't try anything."

I stood for the first time in many years, folding my wings ebony wings, then casted a glamour spell to make them appear as a cloak of raven feathers. Apparently, he had allowed me to use minor magic to cover my formerly angelic appearance.

I stepped outside of that oblivion for the first time in an eternity.

I am free, Darkness and I thought.

Shadows surrounded me once more. I flapped my wings, calling to my soul-bond. We were free, and soon, I was to be out! I bated against the binding abyss I'd resided in for so long, calling a single word: unity. Light flooded into my abode, and I flew out of it faster than the man could stop me.

The raven soared onto my shoulder, croaking. Finally we were reunited in more than just spirit.

Lyrel gestured for me to follow him out of that accursed prison. I could hear- no, feel- the demons within, each enraged at their entrapment. Some wished death, like I had. Others, who hadn't been in for very long, still fought. More awaited their time for vengeance. Most, however, had given up all hope of freedom or even death.

"You wish to destroy his soul, do you not?" I inquired, referring to Cornix, the Arcdemon.

"Yes."

"There is only one weapon that can do that, unless Carzul's minions have emerged." Carzul was the Elder Dragon of Evil. He had betrayed the other Elders, so they trapped him inside a volcano after a long and taxing war, for they were not powerful enough to kill him. The idea was he would never get out. As far as I knew, he probably would- those things had a tendency to happen.

"Yes."

"You are light, and you couldn't defeat him with that. You needed Darkness and I."

"Yes."

"Play with fire, and you just might get burned," I murmured.

There was a deafening clang as one of the demons slammed the door next to me. The sound echoed through the hallowed walls, filled with darkness.

"Irnae. Ērosin myrwl," I whispered to it in Shadowtongue. Patience. Freedom comes.

Lyrel gave me an odd look. He didn't know what I was saying- the angels didn't know Shadowtongue, after all- but naturally, he suspected me.

"Don't talk to them, Raven. I don't trust what you're saying."

I didn't answer. I didn't feel it needed one.

Like the rest of the tower, the hallways were dark and quiet. No guards patrolled the labyrinth of corridors as they would in other prisons. The creatures kept here didn't need food, and having people amongst the demons was begging for corruption and trouble. Despite the wards, they could still speak, and a demon's tongue could twist the purest of minds.

No torches flickered in empty sconces, no cries pierced the silence. It was a bottomless void of dejection, sorrow, and pain. And finally, I was free.

Finally, we reached the exit after an eternity of silence. The door was windowless, handless, and lockless. Just a slab of hinged stone.

Lyrel placed his hand on the rock and murmured something in Angelic I couldn't catch. The door swung open, flooding the corridor with light.

I winced and fell back, shielding myself with my wings as I dropped the glamour. Hissing, I summoned shadows around myself as armor against the blinding white. None came- Lyrel had bound my magic with that accursed bracelet. Darkness leapt off my shoulder and landed above the door, out of the light.

I heard something hit the floor in front of me. Squinting, I saw it was a hooded cloak. Hidden in the shadows, I drew it over my gaunt figure, protecting myself against the brightness.

I stepped outside, head down, hood low. There were seven more paladins waiting for us there, all in golden mail. Three had bows; three had large swords of some sort; one had a shield and longsword. That one had a necklace, too, a fiery red amulet. I could feel its magic- the trinket was strong.

Casting my glamour once more, I stepped back into the tower's shadow, awaiting instruction.

"We are going to Akaron," Lyrel told me. "Then we receive our orders on what you're supposed to do."

"From the Lion."

"From Bericus, yes."

"Lead the way, wylir-en," Judging from the looks I got from Lyrel's followers, none of them knew what wylir-en meant. He didn't, either.

"You need to learn the tongue of your enemies, Lightwing," I told him. Lightwings were the Angels; Shadewings were the Fallen, like myself.

"You well know we are not permitted to learn that language of darkness."

"Into darkness the world shall fall." The smile that came with my words was not a warm one.

"Blade of darkness, blade of light, pierce the shadows of the night." He repeated a verse of Angelic lore back to me.

"Blade of darkness, blade of light, return the shadows of the night, calling darkness so Chaos reigns, and unbalance shan't be slain." What I recited wasn't lore- it was prophecy, and not one that had been told before.

"You go directly against the Shadowsong," he pointed out.

"A spider's web, twisting, a labyrinth, so many destinations…all ending in death."

"Death isn't permanent."

"Yours is."

He almost engaged in that conversation, then dropped it. "We don't have all day to listen to your riddles, Raven. Can we go now?"

I shrugged and followed him. There were horses waiting. All were white except for a single black friesian. "Gyer," I murmured as I approached the stallion. I'd thought the creature dead.

"None of the other horses would have put up with you, but he won't put up with anyone else."

Gyer snorted and pawed the earth, eyeing me. "Irom elir. Isl irren lif mirri esq-mé." I told him. 'The Master returns. Let us return the night, Demon-beast.'

His eyes flared red for a moment, only visible in my illusion-neutralizing sight. I smiled.

The dark would rise on wings of night, the screams of the accursed piercing the smoke-filled air. I was back, and together, Cornix and I would destroy this world of light!


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
223 Reviews


Points: 282
Reviews: 223

Donate
Sun Jun 25, 2017 8:32 pm
Kelpies wrote a review...



Hello FalconryGirl9086,

I'm here. Again. I'm sorry if my reviews begin to get annoying, but I have decided to read and review at least this book today. I like the concept, and look forward to reading more! As always, the writing style is great, and fun to read. However, I do have some criticism for you so please bear with me.

folding my wings ebony wings,
I think this would make more sense if you got rid of the first 'wings'.

Shadows surrounded me once more. I flapped my wings, calling to my soul-bond. We were free, and soon, I was to be out! I bated against the binding abyss I'd resided in for so long, calling a single word: unity. Light flooded into my abode, and I flew out of it faster than the man could stop me.
This entire passage was italicized, indicating that it was all thought. However, some of the passage included actions- which I believe shouldn't be italicized. I'm not 100% sure on that, but it might make more sense to the everyday reader.

That's all for now! Looking forward to reading more!

~Kelpies




Featherstone says...


So the italicized was actually Darkness...maybe I should clear that up...hrmm...

Also yeah I forgot about that typo XD Thanks for dropping by!



User avatar
3821 Reviews


Points: 3891
Reviews: 3821

Donate
Mon Mar 27, 2017 12:29 am
Snoink wrote a review...



One thing that you might want to do that might make this pretty cool is to make Raven kind of sexy when doing this. She seems like she could totally pull of the sexy sorceress bit, where Lyrel is more of a solid dude who ignores this. I totally think this could work out.

So, questions that come to me while I read this...

1. How did Lyrel catch her in the first place? That seems odd. She seems to think that she is super powerful, and in many ways she is, and yet... she got caught? It seems almost if she has grand illusions about herself that are totally false. I almost feel as if we're going to see some "Till We Have Faces" sort of action in the first place.

2. Why don't they learn the language? That seems odd to me. My guess is that they're powerful without it, seeing as they've enslaved many demons plenty of times before this.

Anyway. I don't really trust the Raven because she seems like she's totally deluded and she thinks she has power when she really doesn't. In fact, she seems a bit insane to me. I don't see this ending well for her! :o But, maybe she'll win and destroy the light? :P

My guess is that she'll probably end up switching sides, or that her side of darkness is actually the better side (though then you would have to justify that she wants to destroy the world of light). That would make the story arc a little better, I think because it's a bit weird following someone that we don't like. Though, that admittedly would make it intriguing...

Interesting story! :o




Featherstone says...


Thanks! So to both of those questions: you aren't supposed to know, you'll find out. It's hard to avoid the info dump without leaving some things without clarification and those were the ones that I aren't necessary at the very beginning. Besides, bit of curiosity- can't hurt, can it? Thanks for taking the time to read and review!



Snoink says...


Dun, dun, dunnnn. Yeah, I just like asking questions for the novel since that stuff is going through my mind, and I think it's neat when people ask me questions for my own novels. :)



Featherstone says...


It's nice to hear thoughts as opposed to just pure analysis :) I appreciate it



User avatar
116 Reviews


Points: 5240
Reviews: 116

Donate
Sun Mar 26, 2017 4:26 pm
RoseTulipLily wrote a review...



Criticism:
"I lay, still, amidst eternal shadows." This is just my opinion and I apologize if it seemed nitpicky in the slightest, but I personally do not think there needs to be any commas in this sentence. Make of that what you will. That is my sole criticism here.

Your writing style is as solid and impressive as always. I greatly enjoy how you describe the way the narrator is feeling as well character interactions, keep writing!




Featherstone says...


Glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for taking the time to read and review!



Featherstone says...


Glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for taking the time to read and review!



Featherstone says...


Glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for taking the time to read and review!



Featherstone says...


Glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for taking the time to read and review!



Featherstone says...


Glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for taking the time to read and review!



Featherstone says...


Glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for taking the time to read and review!



Featherstone says...


Aaaannnndd that spammed....sorry........laggy internet does this sometimes...



User avatar
289 Reviews


Points: 304
Reviews: 289

Donate
Sun Feb 19, 2017 8:32 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



I'm reviewing as I'm reading so this might be a bit jumbled. But here we go!

- 'Life was a labyrinth, was it?' - I think this is supposed to be ',wasn't it?'

- 'Once, I had tried to fight them- trying to use magic,' - I thought their magic had been taken?

- 'The flicker of torchlight pierced the darkness, a sword reaching its mark. A key clicked in the lock, and the ancient door opened for the first time in centuries.' - I feel like there sound be a reaction here. Surely the prisoner is feeling something at this point? Even if this character doesn't have much emotion - being some sort of magical being - I think there should be at least some physical response. Maybe they had had their head bowed and their eyes shot up at the light?

- 'and with that in mind, he freed me, I assumed against his better judgement.' - again, the lack of emotion/action leaves this character being very dry. What chains were they bound by? Maybe the description of being unbound by them would be effective. How many chains? How long did it take for them to be freed? Have the shackles left marks? Are they in pain? Whoever you character is seems to be very powerful so it must have taken a lot to bound them yet all of this is brushed over.

- 'folding my wings ebony wings,' - remove the first 'wings'

Right! I've finished reading. Here are my thoughts overall:

I saw that you are 14 and I have to say, your vocabulary is amazing. All the riddles and things were very well thought out. And is that your own language Raven speaks?

I do think there was a bit too much going on in this first chapter when it comes to backstories. To be perfectly honest, right now, I can't remember most of it and I have literally just finished. All I can remember is that Cornix is an Arcdemon and someone was thrown in a volcano...?

I think the main thing to work on is description. I have a feeling that Raven is emotionless on purpose and if so, you need to add more actions and scenery descriptions to pull it off throughout a whole book otherwise I feel it might just come across as Raven talking at people.

The little description you have put it is really well done, like this: 'I winced and fell back, shielding myself with my wings as I dropped the glamour. Hissing, I summoned shadows around myself as armor against the blinding white.' It's simple but we get a little bit more of Raven here. We know she is very sensitive to light and the fact she 'hisses' makes her seem a bit animalistic.

Anyway, I think that's all I've got. I hope this helps!




Featherstone says...


Thanks for reviewing! Raven does get a bit more emotion as the story progresses. I'll try to cut down on backstory and info dump but then I run the risk of not telling enough. Hard balance to find. Yes, the language is original of my own making, and I used a thesaurus. Hope you enjoyed!



User avatar
23 Reviews


Points: 284
Reviews: 23

Donate
Fri Jan 20, 2017 9:56 pm
MeatBunCat wrote a review...



Hai! MeatBunCat with her 2nd of 3 planned reviews!

I really like how you are sticking to the mostly poetic phrasing, it sets a different tone then I am used to reading in most stories. The story gets a bit wordy in a few places such as:

Where was Darkness? Where was my bond? For now I was only half of my former self, chained away with all my magic taken and bound. The night was my friend, but even I tired of it, as one of the light would if trapped in eternal sun. When would they sleep? When would they rest? When would there be change?

Pretty, but it just leaves me confused on how much of this is metaphor and how much is meant to be taken seriously.

I didn't regret what I'd done. Not anymore. I had, once, the guilt gnawing at me. But the humans, the elves, the halflings and gnomes- they were nothing. Simply sheep, going with the herd, never making a difference. Lambs to the slaughter. I was simply the butcher, giving souls to the Grimm Reaper herself.


But otherwise it fits well and gives me a beautiful picture of how the protagonist thinks.

Also, just spotted a error:

folding my wings ebony wings

I think there is supposed to be a comma in here.

--------------

Thoughts: I really wanna know what it was like in that tower a bit more, plenty of poetic impressions, but you don't really get into how she was treated, fed, handled, just the impression that she was lonely and wanted to get out.




User avatar
264 Reviews


Points: 23295
Reviews: 264

Donate
Mon Dec 05, 2016 6:15 pm
Megrim wrote a review...



Hi! Onto ch1, which was a lot more fun and engaging than the prologue, and has a lot to love--but also a few of the confusion pitfalls we saw in the prologue as well.

I love the POVC. She's fascinating and seductive and pained and vengeful and determined. She has motives and powers and bindings that get in her way. I can't wait to see how her plans unfold, as people try to use her and manipulate her and she proves too wily and powerful to contain. I think the worldbuilding is quite cool. As tropey as light-dark stuff is, I do enjoy how atmospheric this piece is, and how much you wove the darkness into her characterization.

The biggest setback for me was that I really struggled to follow along with some of the worldbuilding and backstory. The protag has a lot of vague thoughts about past pains and injustices, which, coming into the story here, we know nothing about. So I can't share in her feelings, I can only observe that she *is* feeling them without really understanding why. There are a lot of worldbuilding concepts thrown at us without context, rules and ideas that are mentioned but not really explained. The longer the chapter went on, the more it got into its groove. Once the angel guard arrives, we have dialogue, we have stuff happening--we have a scene. Then I can get on board with the here and now (walking through the corridors, approaching the door, hatching her schemes), which is much more relateable than her introspection on things that we haven't seen or experienced. The beginning of the story almost made me feel like I'd missed all the good stuff--all that talk about betrayals and what have you, with names I don't know and not much concept of time and place.

I'd suggest going in one of two directions. One is to delve further into the past, and the other is to forget about it entirely.

What might actually make a really strong prologue is to show this betrayal and fight and imprisonment--show, in a scene, all the exciting action that she's reminiscing about here. Then we can be right there with her when she feels the pain of it so many years later.

Or, what I would probably do, is drop a good portion of the introspection and try to get the scene rolling as quickly as you can. Less pondering about her misery and her past, and START the chapter as the guard lets her out and she reacts to the light and the demons and all that. Then you could slip in her backstory here and there as it crops up and becomes relevant. This is basically what you already have, but with cutting down on the confusing out-of-context components that we're dropped into at the beginning. (As opposed to slowing down the narrative to explain all that stuff, which could get unwieldy)

Overall, though, you can definitely write and write well. I think you're getting a bit lost in metaphors and trying to be mysterious and enigmatic. I can't over-emphasize how powerful simple sentences and simple thoughts really can be. You have a "literary" flair to your narrative, and that seems to be natural for you so I don't think you need to worry about losing that; if you go for more clarity and straightforwardness, you'll *still* have your natural literary/metaphorical language coming through, but can gear yourself toward a better balance.




Featherstone says...


Thanks, 'grim. I did originally start the piece with Lyrel entering, but I wanted to impress upon the reader what it had been lik
e for the MC trapped in the darkness for 300 years. What do you think?



Megrim says...


A think a brief introduction would be fine. I just wouldn't wait more than 2-3 paragraphs before getting the scene rolling.



Featherstone says...


Alright, thanks!



Megrim says...


You can put some of that stuff in between action/dialogue, too. Like, spread it out, so the information is still there, but in smaller dollops.



Featherstone says...


I will. Thanks again, Megrim!



User avatar
624 Reviews


Points: 3571
Reviews: 624

Donate
Sun Nov 27, 2016 2:23 pm
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Firestone! Casanova here with a short review!

The first thing was a grammar issue-

I lay, still, amidst eternal shadows.


The correct form of,"Lay," here would be,"lie," and that's an easy enough mistake, and it's one several people make.
Overall I like your plot. It's interesting and keeps the reader on their toes. I do think, however, that you could break this up in two chapters and draw it out a bit more. There's a lot going on, and I feel like you're not putting everything out there. You're not giving the story justice, so to speak.
The next thing is your characters. I honestly think that you have strong, easy to relate to, dependable characters. They're really going with the story, and you can sense how they would actually go about the situations in the story. They seem dull at times, but I suppoose even the best of us seem dull from time to time.
The ending wasn't exactly the best. With the fast pace of the rest of the story I assumed you would leave it off at a cliffhanger, but it was lacking of a page turner.
Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one. I hope this has helped, even a little bit!

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.


Sincerely, Matthew Casanova Aaron




User avatar
1125 Reviews


Points: 53415
Reviews: 1125

Donate
Fri Nov 11, 2016 9:01 pm
View Likes
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Hey there Featherstone! Stella here to review!

So wow, there was a lot going on in this chapter - you've clearly spent a long time planning this story and it really shines through that you've done all your world building and plotting and that's very impressive, since a lot of first chapters I read the writer hasn't really thought much past the first few scenes.

I think my main issue with this piece is that it moves too fast, the pacing is about ten times as quick as I would make it. The first few paragraphs, about your MC living in darkness, could have been a whole section by themselves. It's hard to imagine eternal darkness when in the next paragraph, an angel pops in and frees them! Then there's a lot of exposition, which isn't always bad, but it can be really overwhelming in the first few chapters. We find out why the angel is there, whom they want to fight, we read a bit about history, we hear a bit about demon-slang, we are introduced to a new language and a horse and Cornix and to be honest it's all too much in the first chapter.

Exposition works at its best when it's done little by little on a need-to-know basis. For instance, we can find out why Lyel came to him, and a little about Cornix. We don't need the full on world building about the other creatures in their world. We don't even need the background on who Cornix is or the swords. It's information overload, and it's detracting from the story.

So here would be my advice:

1. Slow down. Sloooooow right down. Let each scene have its own time, let things happen at a more natural pace. That could mean expanding this single chapter into several, but that's okay! Just let the story unfold at a slower pace that your readers will be able to enjoy without being rushed.

2. With the slowed-down pace, allow your exposition to unfold as it happens. Don't mention every new concept all at once, do it a little bit at a time, build up our knowledge of your world. If we don't know everything until the end of Chapter Three, or Chapter Five, that's okay. You have a whole novel to fill us in, so let your start be the luxurious, literary experience that it should be.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x




Featherstone says...


Thanks for the review! I do have a tendency to go too fast out of my fear of no one understanding what is going on, so thanks for pointing it out. I'll go back and edit that when I get the chance. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review! Also, there is a prologue just FYI, if you're interested. Good luck writing!




If you run now, you will be running the rest of your life.
— Reborn