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I Fell For Him Again

by nishthabawa2896

I fell in love with him that day

I could feel a change in the rhythm of my heartbeat

It was his presence that wake me

I was on the 9th cloud at the very moment

He had something in his eyes

His eyes called me out loudly

They attached a string which connected me with him

It was his appearance that held by breath

The droplet of sweat on his forehead was like a pearl

I could listen his raised heartbeat

I was far, but still could feel, that if was standing next to him

The utterance of words from his lips, were like sacred prayers

His first glimpse was imprinted on my mind

Every detail keeps revolving in my head day and night

The way he gave me a look, was really special

That day I realized that what was love at first sight

His presence still gives me sensations

His touch gives me butterflies

He has a soul of a water, transparent and pure

It’s his heart that pulls me towards him

After getting his eternal love, I see myself from his eyes

For me he is a prince charming with a chariot of dreams

and the one who gave me wings to fly high

I found the path to his heart where I can be lost and hide

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1080 Reviews

Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Sun Oct 30, 2016 12:12 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Kaos here for a review!

One of the first things I noticed was the choice of repetition in the poem and I don't think that it did anything to benefit it. It made the lines feel less connected and made each stanza feel same-y in what it was doing. Having all of your lines start with the same thing isn't always something that benefits the poem, and it doesn't work here. It just feels repetitive and rather lazy to the reader and I'd like to see some variety. It would make the lines stronger and more connected rather than them all feeling singular.

My main problem with this is that it didn't really add anything to the love poem genre. The reader has heard it all before, and it's all just backwash of what other people have said. I'm not saying to abandon it, it's just generic and I suggest trying to invent new ways of thinking about it or new images to imbue into the minds of the readers. Butterflies and heartbeats and finding a path to his heart, we've heard it, but if you expand on it, you can make it your own. Maybe those butterflies in your stomach are scratching against your insides trying to get out.

Talk about the rhythm of your heartbeat, is it fast, is it slow, what kind of tempo is it, what does it sound like, all of these are good questions and good things to try and add in. Apply your senses when you're able to, but when it's appropriate. Sometimes there are multiple things you can do, it depends on the subject. I'm not saying you can't do some senses for some things, but they might not mix as well. For example, you might talk about the smell of fire, but you won't really talk about the smell of your heart. It would be unusual but interesting if that did happen, though.

Overall, I felt that this didn't really do anything new, and I don't really think it was trying to be, but you should if you're going to take this route with the poem, then I think you should strengthen the images and connect them better. You're talking about prince charming at one point and then cloud nine and then having wings, connect your images or use something to make them more knit together. The whole "love at first sight" part was something that I didn't personally like, but it's your choice in what you want to convey. If you're going to write a poem with the theme of love, my main suggestion is to make it based off experiences rather than being all metaphorical.

You can use actual experiences of what happened to make it more personal rather than creating it all through image, it also makes it less anonymous. What I mean by anonymous is that the poem feels generic and doesn't have anything to make it distinct from other love poems at the moment. Say you add in a small thing, for example, say I had a partner and they always brought me violets or there's some sort of small thing that makes the relationship special, that's good to add to make it different. Right now, I didn't really enjoy the poem, but I feel there's potential for this to be turn into something better than it is now.

I hope this helped and have a great day!

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117 Reviews

Points: 11345
Reviews: 117

Sun Oct 30, 2016 12:11 am
Astronomer wrote a review...

Hello there, nishthabawa2896!

This is Moonwatcher here with my first review for review day! ^-^

The formatting is odd. I see the large indent per every other stanza, which makes it easier to read than having the poem clumped up together, but I personally think maybe a space in between each stanza would be nice (if YWS formatting allows you to do that).

I feel as if this love poem doesn't really stand out in the vast ocean of other love poems. It's really hard to convey love in poetry nowadays, because it's hard to find something original and everything else has been done to death. I suggest making this poem your own. Don't think of any other love poems and what makes them so good, think about yourself. What is something only you feel, and word it in a way you feel as if nobody else can word the same way. Make the poem your very own, make it different, and unique.

I agree with the previous reviewer, whom said that you should try to rid your poem of all the clutter that masks or gets in the way of your true emotions. Make the entire poem strong, whether that means turning every line into something more powerful or removing some. Don't worry about editing getting in the way of the format you've given it. Poetry is allowed to change.

This is all I have to say about this poem. I hope this review helps, and keep on writing! :D

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23 Reviews

Points: 52
Reviews: 23

Thu Oct 27, 2016 9:25 pm
gema11 wrote a review...

I can relate to the emotion. I can really feel the emotion.
Some of the main problems are grammar and weird wording.
First thing- I notice you have no periods at the end of the sentences. This is poetry and we don't need to closely follow grammar rules, but they only should be broken for a reason, and I do not see any reason why you should leave out the periods. It does not seem to add much to the poem, but rather takes away and distracts from the message.
Now let's go to the wording.
"It was his presence that wake me

I was on the 9th cloud at the very moment"
You're clearly missing some words from this line. Maybe, "It was his presence that woke me/ At that moment I was on the9th cloud" if you want to keep the line, but it still seems very awkward.

"He had something in his eyes

His eyes called me out loudly

They attached a string which connected me with him

It was his appearance that held by breath"

The repetition of he/his is a bit awkward. Once again the wording is awkward, especially in
"They attached a string which connected me with him

It was his appearance that held by breath" I'm not sure what the last line means.

"I could listen [add "to"] his raised heartbeat

I was far, but still could feel, that [replace "that" with with "as" and add "I" after "if"] if was standing next to him

The utterance of words from his lips, [delete this comma] were like sacred prayers"

Maybe instead of "the utterance of words", just say "the words"

"The way he gave me a look, was really special

That day I realized that what was love at first sight"

Maybe say "The look he gave me was very special
That day I realized the meaning of love at first sight"

"His presence still gives me sensations"
The use of sensations here does not make sense.

Gwendolyn Brooks said, "Poetry is life distilled"
Remember this. Get rid of useless words that clutter up the poem. Distill is down to its strongest emotions.

To succeed, you need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you.
— Tony Dorsett