12+ Language Violence

The Two Brothers (part 2)

The sun welcomed them from the east; the sky painted a gentle, pale blue. One would not expect a day to arrive so perfectly to a night ridden with death, but so it did.

The events of the night before were still playing through Albern's head. He could see the symbols glowing bright orange, the dead bodies lying on the floor of the Inn. He was still trying to make sense of it all.

"How are your hands feeling?" Aurol asked, riding closely beside him.

Albern held them out in front of him, the sight made his empty stomach squirm.

"Sore." He answered

"Uncle Woodley will be able to fix them up." Said Aurol, his voice was gentle.

Albern went to touch his sword, hesitant at first, but the coolness of steel greeted him. Soothing the burns.

"I did not wish for this to happen," whispered Albern softly to himself, though not softly enough.

"Nor I, brother." said Aurol, "But we must do, what we must do. For the Gods have given us a different path. One we must take, as rocky as it may be."

Aurol looked over at his brother, he saw how burnt his hands still looked. "I must wrap up your hands again, Albern." He said, looking at the saggy piece cloth hanging around the horse’s neck.

Albern grunted in agreeance, stopping his horse.

"We must eat, too." said Albern, his attempt at getting off his horse was pitiful.

"Let me help you, brother," said Aurol, getting off his horse with the swiftness one would expect from a wizard. He walked to his brother's side, helping him down. "You really are going to be quite useless with those burnt hands, aren't you?" said Aurol, his smile was kind.

"Not as useless as you," said Albern, pointing behind his brother. "You might be needing that horse."

Aurol turned in panic. His horse had wandered half way down the dirt track, an old man was patting its head. "C0me back here!" yelled Aurol, running off after it.

Albern chuckled to himself as he gave his horse an apple. It was considerably hard to do considering he had two burnt hands, yet he managed.

"You're a good horse, aren't you?" said Albern softly, stroking its mane with the back of his hand. “Good horses deserve a name.”

He noticed two large scars running down each of its back legs, nearly the shape of a crescent moon. 'What happened to you here', he thought, drawing the outline of it with his finger.

"How about Moon?" he said to the horse, it continued to chew on its apple. ‘Yes, Moon.’ Thinking about the name. Moon was a nice name; nice name for a nice horse. “I shall call you moon." Said Albern finally, noticing his brother's return.

"Stupid horse," complained Aurol, walking back to where Albern stood. "Dumb old man gave it an apple, she refused to leave his side."

Aurol tied the horse to the nearest fence, cursing after it and the old man as he did. "Stupid, dumb man, damn horse." He muttered to himself.

"Never been one with animals, have you?" said Albern, staring at Aurol's hand as he walked back. "What's that in your hand?" he asked sceptically.

"Huh? Oh this," answered Aurol casually, showing numerous pieces of torn up paper. "It’s nothing, just scraps from my journal."

"Since when have you kept a journal?" asked Albern, laughter influencing his voice.

"Since when I decided to keep one," said Aurol, looking at his brother. "It’s not a problem I keep one, is it?"

Aurol's face had turned a shade of red.

Albern stared at his brother, stunned by his reaction. "I was simply curious, Aurol," said Albern, feeling unnerved. "That is all."

"Curiosity has gotten men killed," replied Aurol, putting his hand into his pocket. The pieces fell. "We must all be careful where we stick our noses."

The silence that followed was quick. The two brothers stared at each other. Albern looked his brother up and down, noticing his empty hand.

"We must keep moving." said Aurol, walking over Albern’s horse. "I have warned Uncle Woodley of our arrival and path we're taking to get to Cape Melen by thought transfer. In case we get lost or run into any form of trouble."

Aurol helped Albern back onto his horse and untied his own.

"We haven't eaten," said Albern bitterly, staring at his brother. "Nor have you wrapped my hands up."

"You had time to eat," said Aurol, his voice wasn't kind. "Yet you didn't, nor did you remind me to wrap up your hand, so I forgot. You will have to wait until Uncle Woodley's."

Aurol gave a high pitch whistle. His horse began to trot down the track. The sound of hooves vanishing as he took off out of sight.

Albern was staring at the ground. A single piece of scroll lay motionless. It looked as if it belonged to a much larger piece.

Albern continued to stare at it. Though it wasn't much to look at, it was barely the size of a silver coin.

Albern whistled for his horse to start moving, directing it over to the nearest fence.

"We will catch up soon, Moon," said Albern, using the fence to help him off his horse. "Just wait here."

Albern walked over to where the piece of scroll lay. He touched his sword's handle as he did, for his hands were beginning to hurt badly.

He stood over the top of it, kneeling down. Its edges had been ripped; almost taking the shape of bite marks, and where it had been burnt looked much worse from up close.

'What happened to you?' He thought, touching it with the tips of his fingers.

"Albern!" shouted Aurol, his voice echoing through the trees. "Are you coming or what?"

Albern ignored his brother's call. Still looking down at the single piece of scroll.

'You're surprisingly beautiful,’ he thought, noticing four faded symbols on the other side of it. 'What do we have here?'

"Wait! NO! Don't turn it over". The desperate cry went straight through Albern's ears. His hand went to turn it over, possessing a mind of their own.

"Don't do it, Albern!” the voice cried, the sound of galloping hooves becoming louder and louder. “stop!"

Albern lost control of his body. His burnt hands hurt no more. He began turning the piece over, his sword becoming hotter and hotter.

"Put it down, Albern!" the cry becoming more and more desperate. "It will kill you!"

Albern's sword unsheathed itself. Its markings glowing bright orange. It flew itself at Aurol.

Aurol unsheathed his dagger, muttering words not from the known language. His dagger formed into a staff, a blue crystal glowing out the top of it. He waved it through the air. The blue crystal turning a blood red, it produced a shield like force, blocking the swords attack.

Albern's eyes were melting, yet there was no pain. He felt at peace with what was happening. He could hear his brother muttering words from a distance, he felt the emptiness of his scabbard. He felt free.

"Close your eyes, Albern!" shouted Aurol, still battling the unmanned sword. "Please!"

Albern could hear the desperation in his brother's voice, he felt sorry for him. Yet he didn't. Anger was swelling up inside him. Unwanted memories entering his head. He could see their Mother. Her final breaths being taken. A little baby being given to their uncle.

"What do you want to call him?" he said, tears rolling down his cheeks.

'Make it stop.' Albern thought desperately. 'Make it stop!'

He could still hear his brother fighting.

"Aurol," said his Mother with her final dying breath. "Name him, Aurol."

Albern couldn't take it anymore. He closed his eyes. "Make it stop!" he yelled. "Make it stop!

He could feel the pain returning, it was unbearable. "Make it stop!" he begged, yet it didn't.

He could feel his eyes regaining their form, moulding to fit his eye sockets.

He kept his eyes closed. They wanted to open, to feel the symbols against them. Albern didn't give them what they wanted; fighting the pain, feeling it weaken.

Albern stretched out his hand, feeling for the piece of scroll. Yet only dirt greeted him.

He heard hooves against the ground, becoming fainter and fainter. "Aurol!" he yelled, unable to hear his brother. "Where are you?"

He left me, feared Albern, scared of opening his eyes to see if he was there. He wouldn't have left me.

The though raced through Albern's mind. He felt helpless. He wouldn't have left me, trying to convince himself.

Tears began forming in his eyes. Memories of the night before flooding back, kneeling down in the darkness, no way to defend himself.

"What is happening?" begging for someone to answer. He tasted his tear, their saltiness cleansing his mouth. "What is the meaning of this?"

Albern laid down on the dirt track; feeling the stones press up against his back. He closed his eyes even tighter. Wishing for it all to be over.

The sound of wood on cobblestone woke him. It was a harsh awakening. Certainly not one he expected. Albern shot his head upright, his neck making him regret it. "Ouch!" he yelped, rubbing his neck with his hands.

"Sorry about the rude awakening," said a male voice, coming from somewhere in front of him. The voice sounded old. "Whoever made this road several blue moons ago, clearly had no idea what they were doing." The voice broke into a deadly cough.

Albern realised, after many seconds of confusion, he was on a carriage. He sat bolt upright, trying to see who was controlling it. He couldn't see anyone. He looked down the side of the carriage, noticing the amount of people everywhere. He then looked at the horse pulling it. There was something oddly familiar about it.

'Moon?' thought Albern, thinking how it was possible.

The horse took a left turn, revealing its whole body. A crescent like scar showed itself on its back leg.

"Moon!" said Albern out loud, his worries vanishing.

"Who?" said a voice behind him. Causing Albern to swing around in fright. "Who is this Moon you speak of?"

"Uncle Woodley?" said Albern, looking at the man’s old, frail face.

"I'm glad you remember me." He replied smiling, leading into a throaty cough. "And you're lucky I remembered who you were, too. Found you lying, dead like on the path leading to Saint Melen, so close to making it. Long night was it?"

"You could say that." replied Albern, still surprised by his uncle’s presence.

"Also," he said quickly. "Your brother left a note. Lucky I found that, too. Something about dealing with important business. Didn't say when he'd be back, nor where he was going."

Albern felt where his sword would usually be. It was empty.

"He didn't leave you a sword, did he? asked Albern without hesitation, hoping for the answer he wanted.

"He did not, was he meant to? Replied Uncle Woodley, looking concerned.

"No, not specifically" answered Albern slowly, concerned of his brother’s safety.

"He also said to wrap your hands up. You burnt them?

Albern looked down at his hands. The redness had gone, and so had the pain. "They're no longer burnt?" he questioned.

"The beauty of the Curealleaz flower," replied his uncle proudly. "Cures all burns, rashes and poisons. People pay an awful lot to get their hands on it, too. Unless you have them growing in your backyard, of course." He smirked.

"How much have you got growing?" asked Albern, curiosity influencing his question.

"You will soon see, my dear lad," replied his uncle. "For we are nearly there."

Albern looked up. Three great castle towers looked down upon him. Never had he ever seen anything quite like it.

"Ah yes," said his uncle, his face lighting up. "The kingdom of Saint Melen. Beautiful, isn't it?"

"Quite." answered Albern, noticing banners with a single dagger printed onto them, drooping down the many balcony edges.

Comments & reviews · 4
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
occymay
Review
occymay wrote a review · Sun Nov 13, 2016 5:51 pm

Hello again!

Another great chapter, you were able to capture my attention once again.

Positives-
In this chapter, you created even more mystery that grabs at the writer's attention and makes them want to continue reading, I was no exception. I liked how you still continued to make Aurol a very mysterious character and Albern an open book. This creates a really interesting mix of characters. You also carried on with the brother's sibling banter which is really relatable for many with siblings. It makes me laugh every time.

Improvements-
I found in this chapter there was a lot of speech, but I feel that everything you said was necessary to furthering the story. However, when there is a lot of speech continuously for a big period of time it can get a bit much. Don't worry though because I noticed that there isn't a lot of description either. Therefore you can add small sections of description, whether that be the characters or the environment, whenever you feel there is too much speech. This will help to break down these sections and make them more interesting. There were a few minor errors within this piece but if you were to read this out loud I'm sure you would be able to find them :)

Overall, really great chapter and I'll see when I have the time to read the next chapter. Keep writing :)

User avatar
writerkitty
Review

Hello there Haiimthomas!
Writerkitty's here with another review for ya! :D



First off, I'll mention everything great about this chapter, then I'll be getting to meaty part of the review. ^_^


This chapter is just as intriguing as the previous one, and I must say, your world-building skills are awesome! :D

Your dialogue reflects your character's personality pretty well. Aurol and Albern are really interesting characters with very different personalities.
While Albern is kind-hearted,caring and conspicuous, his brother Aurol is mysterious, rigid and dark....not in a bad way, but whenever I read his dialogue, I just get the feeling that this fella's dark and kinda creepy, and lacks a friendly attitude. :) I think you've done a really good job with your characters.

It's nice to see that your story's moving with a steady pace and nothing seems to be rushed. Even at the part where Albern turns the paper and the whole scary flashback and creepy situation happened, you described everything clearly without putting the reader in a total dark hole.

Oh, and it's also super awesome to meet a new character. :( But it kind of made me sad that Aurol left. I was really enjoying the two brothers conversations and adventures. But hey, ^_^ I really can't wait to see where this is heading. So far, your story's really amazing and hooks the reader to it fro the start to the end, so I'm sure that the next chapters would be just as intriguing.

I can't wait to discover what these weird symbols are and what's the deal with Aurol. What is he hiding? Can't he tell it to his own brother? Oh well, guess I'll just have to wait to find it out!


Okay, now let's get to the meaty part of the review. ^^

Nitpicks

Albern held them out in front of him, his flesh redder then a rose.

I think you should write 'than' instead of 'then'


he said, looking at the saggy cloth hanging around the horsesneck.


It appears that the noun horses should use the possessive form because you're talking about one horse.

"Not as useless as you." replied Albern, pointing behind his brother. "You might be needing that horse."


You have used a period in the middle of a sentence, I think it'd be better if you replaced it with a comma.

"Damn old man gave it an apple, dumb horse didn't want to leave his side."


I think it'd be better if you could place the determiner 'the' before the the noun phrase 'dumb horse'


"Its nothing, just scraps from my journal."

"Its not a problem I keep one, is it?"


The possessive pronoun 'its' should be a contraction instead. (It's)


It's edges had been ripped; almost taking the shape of bite marks, and where it had been burnt looked much worse from up close.


The contraction used here should be a possessive pronoun instead

Albern couldn't take it no more. He closed his eyes. "Make it stop!" he yelled. "Make it stop!


Your sentence appears to include a double negative with the inclusion of both couldn't and no. Therefore, try writing ' could take is no more or 'couldn't take it anymore ' instead.

The thought raced around Albern's mind.


I think it would be better if you write 'raced through' instead of 'around', because it doesn't seem like the best proposition for this sentence.

Albern shot his head dead up right, his neck making him regret it.


'upright' is one word.


"No, not specifically" said Albern slowly, concerned of his brothers safety.


Place a comma after specifically and I think 'brothers' should be written in possessive form.


Well, that's about it for this review. ^_^ My only suggestion for this chapter is, watch out in those places where you have to make the nouns possessive.



:D This is a super awesome chapter and I really can't wait to read more!
Never stop writing and have an awesome day!
writerkitty. :)

Thankyou for this! Really appreciate it and ill be sure to make those changes :)

Thomas

i might ask just one question, sorry. Would you recommend changing anything about the writing itself? It could always be better but is there anything obvious, or anything that could make it more interesting? Thanks! :D

You're welcome!! :)
Hmm, I think your writing style is pretty good and I didn't see anything that you should change regarding it. I mean your writing really suits the overall theme and setting of your story. So, according to my opinion, your writing style is already pretty good and I think it's better if you use the same writing style for the other chapters as well.

:) Oh, and if you have any more questions, never hesitate to ask! :D

P.S. Let me know when you post the next chapter.

writerkitty

User avatar
Dracula
Review
Dracula wrote a review · Sat Sep 10, 2016 9:59 am

Hey again, Haiimthomas. :) I read part one so of course, I have to come and read part two!

One would not expect a day to arrive so perfectly to a night ridden with death, but so it did. I really liked this description. It's beautiful and fits the formal, fantasy mood of your story. If you're looking for suggestions of things you could add, I would suggest adding more descriptions like this one.

"You're a good horse, aren't you?" said Albern softly, stroking its mane with the back of his hand. "Good horses deserve a name, don't they?"

Albern thought as he looked at the horse. He noticed two large scars running down each of its back legs, nearly the shape of a crescent moon.

It's great to see how much of a relationship Albern has with his horse, it helps reveal his personality. I've included these two mini paragraphs in my review because they should be joined, or, at least, split in different places. 'Albern thought...' needs to come directly after his thoughts, without the split in between.

"Aurol," said his Mother with her final, dying breath. "Name him, Aurol."
I could tell without a doubt that this was part of the flashback, but other readers might have some difficulty. I suggest you put the flashback parts in italics, or somehow make it obvious to tell between past and present.

"Aurol!" he yelled, he couldn't hear him no more. "Where are you?"
Couldn't hear him any more is the correct term.

"The beauty of the Curealleaz flower," replied his uncle proudly.
I actually googled that flower because I wanted to see if it was real. Of course, nothing came up except this story on Yewis. Well done on creating your own plant species! It shows excellent world-building skills, and the fact that I even considered it could be real proves you did a great job in making it believable.

Good job on another great chapter! :D

Thankyou very much! I will be sure to make those fixes :)

Thomas

User avatar
Haiimthomas
Comment

Thank you for reading! This is only the first draft of it, so any tips/criticisms would be greatly appreciated (or anything i did right, too!)

Thanks :)

Thomas



If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.
— Woodrow Wilson