Young Writers Society

Hi,

This is a terrific poem. The imagery is relatively outstanding and you seem to use language quite purposefully and beautifully. I don't think I will bother with a long, drawn-out analysis or commentary on the poem, but I think that as a poet you should, if not already, get into the habit of analyzing and picking apart your own work. Don't keep things all in your head and then spew them out on paper! Take time in your thinking and consideration of themes, etc.

There are some problems with word choice which very much detract from the sophistication and beauty of the poem. In line 5, you say "penance". This doesn't quite make much sense in my interpretation. Penance is (or at least has a connotation of) a self-inflicted absolution of sin or atonement. It seems to me that one cannot be in terror of penance per se.

Line 10 seems messy and ill-conceived; it doesn't sound as well as the others. I would replace the word "boom". It would break your rhyme scheme but at least it won't seem as though you just randomly added "boom" to have the assonance with "looms".

Suggestions: you could go a few steps further with your characterization of time as a menacing figure that constantly looms behind us. You've used some pretty words, but the entire poem is still just this: "time is a menacing figure who constantly follows us". It seems rather flat and one-dimensional. You should consider adding more meaning to your poem, which might require lengthening it.

Lemons

At the beginning of the poem, there's only one little typo (if it is one)that I saw. The word 'matt' is supposed to be a 'matted'. When I saw that, I had to read it twice to see what you mean. Once I got to the middle, I started to figure out that "he" wasn't human, I like how you did that. He sounds scary and time really is a scary thing. The way you worded it was a cool and new way to view time. All your rhyming was well placed and thought out. Please tell me when you write more. I loved it! Happy writing!

Hi. Hello.

I'm never good at opening these things.

Right. Overall, I quite like it. You create a vivid and menacing presence in the character of Time, and you describe death (the theme, I think?) in a new and interesting way. Your rhymes are perfect (except for 'looms'-'boom', which is very close), and the whole poem flows well when read out loud.

However, there are some things that could be changed, specifically:

"that sly smile"

"As he watches from the shadows all the while"

"His victims rush in terror of the penance,

Of his ceaseless and impervious presence."

"With ‘ticks' and 'tocks' that tumble down from the tip of his tongue"

"Creeping from behind, slowly, menacingly,"

Hello car1y23! Gymnsat2801 here with a review!

Long thick matt hair hangs down his back.

His face is branded with that sly smile,

Once merely a whisper, but now, with age, a more resounding boom.