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Young Writers Society



FALL - Chapter Three - It Begins

by EverStorm


A woman who looked about twenty seven rushed to her side. Margaret was a friend of Avy’s from when she was training. “Avy, you landed wrong on your wrist. Can you move it?” Margaret asked as Avy lay still, staring at the ceiling. She didn’t want to move. She just wanted to give up. She had had a trainee for less than an hour and she was already a mess. Slowly she sat up and tried to roll her wrist around. She gritted her teeth when the pain emerged. Margaret began squeezing her hand and forearm, soon deciding that her wrist wasn’t broken, but definitely sprained. “You should go to the infirmary and get it wrapped.” Margaret said, “I’ll walk you down there just to make sure you go.”

“Thanks, Margaret.” Avy mumbled as she stood up. She walked with her friend to the elevator. “Can you believe this? I told Chief I didn’t need a partner. I got one and look what happened.” The girls laughed, but Avy partially meant it. As the elevator’s doors closed, she saw David pick up a grappling hook and stare at it for a moment before he started swinging it, like he had used it before.

“That was uncharacteristic of you, Avy. Why were you so distracted? You never would have let that happen if you had been on top of your game.” Margaret eyed Avy and she sighed as her shoulders sagged.

“It’s just stress, I think.” Avy lied. Margaret had no idea about Keagan, and she wouldn’t understand. “I might ask for a few days off after I’m done training Rookie.” Margaret nodded, satisfied with the answer.

“I used to love taking days off with Mark.” Mark was Margaret’s late husband. He had died a year ago, a mission had gone sour. “It would be good for you to take a break. You haven’t had one in a while.” Avy thought about Margaret’s loss. She didn’t want something like that to happen to her.

“I think I might.” Avy said. The conversation lulled for a moment.

“I’m sure Doctor Walters will be pleased to see you.” Margaret said as they left the elevator. “The star spy who’s never once been to the infirmary.” Avy laughed half-heartedly. She knew she could wrap the wrist herself perfectly fine, but arguing with Margaret was like arguing with a boulder. She would never budge. They walked into the room, which was mostly white. Doc Walters walked over to the two of them.

“Agent, I’m surprised to see you here.” He said as he grabbed Avy’s wrist. It had red marks from her holding it so tightly. “It looks sprained. Come over here and I’ll give you an x-ray.” Avy followed him to a machine and waited as it scanned her wrist. A few minutes later, the x-ray was developed. “It’s a severe Grade two. You’ll have to keep it in a brace or wrap it for the next six weeks. Which would you prefer?”

“I hate wearing a brace. Just wrap it.” Avy said. She sat on a bench while Doc Walters dug through the drawers under a counter.

“Which color do you want?” Doc teased. Avy laughed and rolled her eyes.

“I’m going to have another mission within the next six weeks. Make it black.” Doc began wrapping her wrist in black medical wrap. He finished up by clipping the edge to the bottom of the wrap.

“How are you so sure that you’ll have another mission?” Doc said.

Avy shrugged. “I just know I will.” She walked out of the office and down the hall. She walked into the brisk night. She walked down the street in the crowd. She enjoyed blending in with the regular people, and for a moment she wished she was one of them. She walked a few blocks, not minding the cold or the pain in her wrist. Down the street about three blocks was her apartment building. It looked run down, but inside it was nice. She walked into the lobby and made her way up the stairs. Three flights of stairs later, she arrived at her small apartment. She slid her key out of her pocket and slipped it in the lock. She turned the key a quarter of the way to the left, ¾ of a turn to the right and then all the way back around until it rested at the upright position. Her complex lock was something she had thought of when she got the apartment.

Avy opened the door and flipped on the lights. She flopped onto her black couch. Most of her furniture was black, with accents of hot pink and lime green. The gray walls were mostly bare, except for one picture. It was taken the week before Avy’s parents had died. Avy was standing in front of her parents, and holding Keagan’s hand. She studied it for a moment. Avy stood and pulled it off the wall. She stared at it as tears came to her eyes. Keagan. She hung it back up and wandered into the kitchen and opened the fridge. Nothing inside was worth eating. She flopped back onto the couch and lay there; face down until she fell asleep. She slept without dreams; it was simply black, empty, and cold.

She woke with a start when a knock on her door sounded. She ran her fingers through her hair and smoothed it down, letting it hang past her shoulders. She opened the door slowly.

“Hi, David.” She said. He smiled at her and she smiled back.


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624 Reviews


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Sun Nov 20, 2016 10:14 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Eevee! Casanova here to do another review! Since I'm at the end of the folder, after this one I'll take a break and then come back to it. You better stay asleep, I want to win this wager! Anyway, to the review!

.. .. .. .. WHERE'D THE LENGTH GO? The length of this one is perfect! That is seriously the first thing I noticed since I have my computer screen zoomed out. Anyway, thanks for that. Next thing!

One thing I would have to say- you've been shortening your paragraphs where they're supposed to be shortened. Props for that, thank you. It really is an improvement. There's only one thing I noticed that bugged me placement wise-

Avy was standing in front of her parents, and holding Keagan’s hand. She studied it for a moment. Avy stood and pulled it off the wall.She stared at it as tears came to her eyes. Keagan. She hung it back up and wandered into the kitchen and opened the fridge.


The studying it for a moment part seemed odd to me. If I was looking at something, then went to grab it, I would probably study it after I grabbed it, if you know what I mean? I think a rewrite could fix this. An example would be-
"Avy stood and took the picture off the wall, studying it for a moment before tears came to her eyes."
This would also let it lead into the crying and hanging it back up part, as well. I think that that rewrite would help it a lot, but it's just an example and you can do whatever. Your novel.

Anyway, I'm not going to say anything about the dialogue this time.

I hope this helped. Anyway, I'm on to the next one.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.

Your friend, Cassy




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Thu Feb 18, 2016 6:29 pm
HopelessAbandon wrote a review...



Hello! Here to review!
Sorry if I repeat anything said. I haven't read any of the previous chapters, so I'll be commenting mainly on grammar etc. instead of things like character development.

She walked out of the office and down the hall. She walked into the brisk night. She walked down the street in the crowd.

Don't keep repeating a verb unless its for dramatic effect. It just makes this section sound repetitive and awkward.

General comments:
You do a lot of telling, not showing. Give some description to the scene, let the reader know what the area they're in looks like, what Avy's wrist looks like because it's sprained, what exactly the apartment building looks like, even what it smells like. The little things make a world of difference. I always try to incorporate the five senses into each new setting.
Another thing I would work on is varying your sentence length. You seem to have a uniform short sentence working its way throughout most of this piece, and it can make it seem monotonous/choppy. I would try combining some sentences, or coming up with some longer more descriptive sentences to help with the flow of your work.

Alright, that's all! Hope this helps a little, if you have questions, just PM me!

~Abandon




EverStorm says...


Thanks :D I'll work on it!



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Thu Feb 18, 2016 4:31 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I'm back!

I don't have as much to say about this part as I did the last one - overall I liked it more and it was written better.

I thought the chapter ended in a bit of a strange place. It's a good length to be posted on here, maybe a little bit short, but in the book it would feel odd to me for the chapter to end here. Plus, chapters in books tend to be significantly longer than the 900ish words that is this chapter. But that's something that can be fixed in future drafts.

You still have a few dialogue punctuation and capitalization errors, but I'm not going to go into them here since they're basically the same as last time.

Something I noticed is that you didn't really mention the sprain feeling painful, except for the one time when she first fell. Now, I've never had a sprained arm, so I wouldn't know for sure, but I'm pretty sure that sprains are rather painful, and definitely something she would be thinking about and noticing consistently. The doctor would probably give her some painkillers as well to take.

He would also probably require her to not use her arm - that's kind of the point of the brace. I'm not sure exactly what you wouldn't be supposed to do with a sprained arm, but I'm sure you wouldn't just be able to keep training with no problems. I'd recommend researching that sort of thing to make sure you know what would happen.

A woman who looked about twenty seven rushed to her side. Margaret was a friend of Avy’s from when she was training.

The first sentence makes it seem like Avy doesn't know who Margaret is, but clearly she does. Just start out by saying "Margaret, who was about 27" or something similar.

¾ of a turn to the right

You would generally want to write this out. Also, I don't think the "complex lock" would actually be very useful for keeping people out, since if they don't have a key they wouldn't be able to get in either way. Unless it's to protect against losing the key.

Anyway, that's all I've got for you!





I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do.
— Leonardo da Vinci