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Young Writers Society



Sanguinem III

by tigeraye


In an islanded nation not so far off from the coast of Asia, lies Sanguinem, known as the "Capital of assassins". For generations, murder has been an art conducted by only highly skilled individuals belonging to one of several organizations. Each assassin lives by a sacred rule – to refuse a kill is the ultimate sin; a sin that can only be repaid with the death of the assassin in question. When the assassins refused to murder six-year-old Kyle Christiansen, they were forced to begin entirely new lives on the run.

Michel let out a loud grunt, firing his pistol once towards the pale assassin. Daisel smiled as the bullet landed safely in his fingers.

“I guess you’re still new to the White Mask Society, Michel?” Daisel asked, cuffing the bullet between his fingers. “You don’t really know just who I am, do you?”

Suddenly, a thunderous rumbling sound went off as blood spewed from Daisel’s entire body, splattering all over the cave as he fell to the ground with a thud, dead.

Out of the darkness, a buff, young man with short auburn hair stepped forward into the cave, dressed in a golden cloak, the hood pulled over his head. “Hey there kids," the man said, waving his midnight assault rifle in his hands. "Best we get out of here huh? Don't want you three to get killed. Names Thodo, by the way."

“Is that a threat?” Michel asked, sweat on the top of his head beginning to unfasten his cornrows.

“What choice do we have?” Selene said, rising to her feet. “Come on. I’m not waiting around here for someone else from the White Mask Society to come and murder us.”

“Daisel is one of the best they have!” the old, wise Bishop exclaimed. “They wouldn’t send him after us unless they were sure he’d get the job done. Nobody else is coming.”

“For now,” Selene rebutted. “But as soon as they learn that idiot didn’t get the job done, someone else will be here. Probably Cytops. The moment he gets on us, we’re done, that’s it. We’ll all have more holes in us than Swiss cheese by tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I’m coming with Mr. Goldy-Robes,” Michel said, rising to his feet. “Come on, Old Ironman. Swallow some pride.”

Bishop rolled his eyes and shrugged. “Well, someone help me up,” he said.

***

Three Days Later

“Boss,” Marthin, one of Venus’s trusted lackeys said, fidgeting nervously as he approached the leader of the White Mask Society on her balcony. “Daisel’s dead.”

Venus’s red eyes swirled shut as she took a sigh, trying her best to stay composed. “I pretty much figured that would happen.”

“So, what now?”

“Marthin!” Venus exclaimed, her dark red eyes bursting open. “You say that as if you don’t believe in me at all. As if I wouldn’t have a backup plan in case Daisel didn’t get the job done.”

“No! No! That’s not it!” Marthin shrieked, mortified of his very life as the blood stains of Venus’s trusted servant Cale sat underneath his shoes. “Wh-what’s our next move, is all?”

Venus shook her head. A part of her wanted nothing more than to pull her pistol out of her waistband and end Marthin’s meager existence. But another part of her told her she already killed one good servant that week, to kill another would be quite a loss. “I think it’s time,” Venus simply said with a sly, venomous smirk.

“Are we going after Selene’s child?” Marthin asked. “Jeremy?”

“I wish we could,” Venus said. “Selene’s mother already got concerned over her dear daughter’s disappearance. The child is with her mother, under constant police protection. The last thing we all need right now is an all-out battle with law enforcement. That comes later. Make preparations for assassinating a completely different target.”

“Completely different target? Who?”

Venus’s smile widened. “Kyle Christiansen.”

***

“You understand what Venus is trying to do, don’t you?” Thodo asked. “You understand, Bishop. You have to understand.”

“Yes, I know,” Bishop said, as the four continued to wander through the forest, tiredly hobbling over to the seemingly unreachable clearing, as the strong winds pushed them ever backwards. “There’s always been some sort of legality with assassins in Sanguinem. There’s always been some sort of code of standards. Children, the police, other assassins, they’ve all been off limit.”

“But Venus wants that gone,” Selene said. “She wants to put anyone on the table.”

“It’s more than that,” Thodo argued. “She wants to turn the White Mask Society into a governmental entity. She wants to rule all of Sanguinem. She's got to be stopped.”

The four assassins stopped at a large porthole in the forest, hidden amongst several large trees. “So, are you ready?” Thodo asked.

"How can we be ready?" Michel asked. "We still don't know where you're taking us."

"I'm taking you to the sanctuary for the Golden Robe Society," Thodo said. "My home. I thought you three would recognize the second in command."

"Golden Robe Society, huh?" Selene said. "Yeah, should've figured as much. Hopefully, that mohawked maniac Cytops doesn't already follow us there."

***

A buff, mohawked man wearing a black tank top and black cargo plants stepped up to the front desk of the medical facility, politely waving at the blonde receptionist. "Evening," he greeted her. "I'm here to visit a relative."

"Ah, yes," the receptionist said, reaching for an empty name tag. "Name?"

"Cytops," the man said casually in his snarling, deep voice.

The receptionist looked at the mohawked man with wide eyes, shaking her head and giggling. "Like the legendary assassin? Please, tell me you're joking."

"Yeah, I'm kidding," the man replied. "My name is actually Selene. S-E-L-E-N-E."

"Selene," the woman said scribbling the name on the tag, before writing some information on a sign-in sheet. "Here you go," she said, handing the man the paper.

"Thank you very much," the man responded, taking the nickname into his hands.

"What is your relati-" the woman asked, stopping mid-sentence when the man began to wander off. "Sir? Sir?"

The buff man took the elevator to the fourth floor, crumbling up the name tag and chucking it behind him. He stepped into the hall, breathing in the putrid hospital air. His boots clashed loudly against the floor as he walked across the hallway, tapping a nurse on the back to get her attention.

"Excuse me," the man politely said. "I need to use the restroom."

"I'm sorry, you need to have your name tag on you at all times if you're a visitor," the nurse responded, carefully adjusting her glasses over her eyes.

The man frowned, quickly glancing over his muscular chest, and then back at the nurse. "Hm. Must have fallen off. I'll go ask the receptionist for a new one in a minute. In the meantime, may I-"

"Yes. Right that way," the nurse said, pointing to a closed door on the opposite side of the hall.

"Thank you very much," the man responded.

He headed towards the restroom and pulled up his shirt, revealing an orange sticky bomb, ticking constantly, causing a tickling, vibrating sensation throughout his entire body.

***

"Cytops! You bastard!" Selene shouted, now dressed in golden robes, the three assassins looking up upon the large television monitor showing the evening news in the depths of the dark, dank underground sanctuary.

"Five hundred people," Michel said, also wearing a golden robe that was far too large for him. "I get sending a message, but blowing up a hospital? Killing five hundred sick and injured people?"

“Hey there, you three rapscallions don't look too busy,” Thodo said, approaching the trio of assassins. “I know you all are being hunted down, by that psycho lady, but the Golden Robe Society is still a tribe of assassins. And considering, you all are now officially members…the boss has a job for you."

“Can’t it wait, Thodo?” Bishop pleaded. “Seeing that on the news has got me a bit nauseous. And this golden robe I have to wear is hot. It isn’t helping out.”

All of a sudden, the large television turned to static. Then, an attractive young brunette appeared on screen, her bright red eyes glowing with a glaring venom in them.

“Venus!” the four assassins yelled in unison.

“Ha-ha, so that moron trying to hack your TV feed was right!” the leader of the White Mask Society responded, amusement in her evil eyes. “Come on, why the hostility? Didn’t you see the news? All that blood!”

“Five hundred people!” Bishop yelled. “All for what? Sending a message? You blew up an entire hospital!”

“No I didn’t,” Venus said, her mouth wide open in surprise. “Cytops did! And I’m tired of you three acting like you have the right to judge my morals. You’ve killed more people than that, Bishop. It might not have all been at once, but you’ve killed thousands of people for nothing more than money. And not even for anyone else, but for yourself, you selfish pig. I never did like any of you three. Ever since my mother passed away, you three have spited me from the start. Always trying to get rid of me. Talking about me behind my back. And now you pay.”

"Let's be honest," Selene said. "We know you murdered your own mother to take over the White Mask Society."

"How dare you!" Venus said, visibly shaking in sheer, unadulterated anger. "Yo-you! You have no right to even suggest such a thing! I never...that's it! You all will spill blood for what you did to me!"

The four assassins as well as the others in the golden robes all raised their weapons, anxiously readied to fire at any intruders in their sanctuary.

“Easy there!” Venus said. “Weapons are dangerous. Wouldn’t want anybody to be hurt by some sort of…you know…traitor.”

“You treacherous weasel!” Thodo said. “I’ll, I’ll shoot you through that screen!”

Venus giggled. “Relax. There aren’t any traitors in your organization! At least for now. You all are boring. I’m going to see what Cytops is up to right about now. Oh, that’s right. He’s headed off for some sort of…what was it, an orphanage? Bye now!”

The three assassins all looked at each other, before fleeing the sanctuary as fast they could.


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1220 Reviews


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Sun Jan 31, 2016 12:39 am
Kale wrote a review...



Hello again. It seems I just keep running into your works here in the Green Room.

Again, I haven't read the other parts, and if you'd like a more detailed review, just let me know after Review Day is over.

I did appreciate the summary at the start, though a more plot-relevant summary would have helped. What you have there now would work for maybe the second part, but without a bit more context, the significance of events in this part were hard to follow.

Again, like in the other story I reviewed, there was a lot of focus on actions without a lot of description to support it, and as a result, this also felt very rushed. It also didn't help that much of what we know about Venus is straight-up told through dialogue, and she really feels over-the-top as a designated villain.

I also spotted a number of misused words ("mortified" was particularly egregious), and the characters don't always act in reasonable ways, such as the nurse just believing that a guy's name was Selene after he first gave the name of a famous assassin. A more believable reaction would be for her to treat him as a joker and ask him what his name really was, for example.

The characterization is easily the weakest aspect of this.




tigeraye says...


Thanks for your review, I appreciate the criticism!



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Sat Oct 24, 2015 7:56 am
felistia wrote a review...



It is a little difficult to picture where the characters are in the story, like in the sentence ( “Yes, I know,” Bishop said, as the four continued to wander through the forest, tiredly hobbling over to the seemingly unreachable clearing.) It would be nice to know what they are hearing like is the wind blowing or is the leaf litter dry and making crunching sounds as they walk. What are they smelling? Does the forest smell damp and earth. I am picking on the description, because I like a lot of it.

The dialogue for my characters in my stories are terrible and your characters dialogue is excellent and carries the story well
The story concept is very good and I like stories about assassins and ninjas' so this one caught my eye.




tigeraye says...


thanks friend. I added some words to try to make it clearer where the characters are at.




Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
— Albert Einstein