Young Writers Society

      I gazed at the gymnasium's ceiling that hovered over us, and asked her, "Any ideas?"

      She followed my line of vision and shook her head.

      We were attending a summer training program and it was gym class right now. Today we were having rope-access lessons.

      I glanced to my left where our coach was standing. He was busy loosening the ropes from my classmate who had failed to reach the top.

      "So... who wants to go first?" he asked. Sakura and I were the only ones that had not tried yet.

      The rays from the sun shone through the huge windows into the gymnasium onto her face, tinting brushes of orange onto her pale complexion.

      It was as if time had frozen. We looked at each other. The coach, our classmates playing basketball at the other corner, and the shuttlecocks that littered around us disappeared. Only the ever so welcoming sun, the trees outside the gymnasium, and the reservoir remained in our little sphere of presence.

      I knew she wanted to say so much. Her eyes told it all as she studied my features, also shaded with amber rays from the sun.

      "Err... perhaps I could go first?" I broke the silence to avoid any suspicion from the coach.

      "Alright. Have a go, Kenneth."

      He clanged the metal locks into my harness, and I was ready to challenge the 10m climb, merely aided by a rope. 

      "Ready?" The coach asked. Sakura smiled at me.

      I nodded, and I grabbed the rope.

      As I climbed higher and higher I could not stop thinking about Sakura and what she did yesterday.

                                                                        ---

      We were supposed to talk about a trait of our personal leaders during the speaking session.

      "Phew." Carrying my stack of note cards, I trekked back to my seat. I disliked speaking in front of people.

      "Drum rolls, please!" The teacher Miss Avery called as she picked a folded sheet from the box. "Sakura! It's your turn."

      Sakura, sitting next to me then, had smiled at me during my whole speech. Yet as the teacher announced her name she grimaced. She bit her lips, took her own set of cards which she had refused to let me read, and walked out to the front. She inhaled, and exhaled.

      Her eyes reddened.

      Miss Avery was a huge person, but she had a sweet and motherly character. She asked Sakura if she needed more time to gather her thoughts. She shook her head and tried again.

      "This trait of him that I... I ad...admired..."

      It seemed odd but I kind of guessed what she would say next. I had a peculiar feeling that a particular type of emotion, so deeply buried into my heart since long ago, was about to erupt.

      No. You are in control of yourself. It must not happen.

      "Last winter on the Internet he admitted to the world that he is... is..."

      Sakura wept and took a deep breath, struggling to continue. Her eyes were even redder than before.

      "He is a homosexual."

      She covered her face and cried even harder. "And here I want to say, for the first time ever in my life, with a courage borrowed from him, that I am one too."

      Bingo.

      Behind my nose a painful sensation burnt. Some sort of hot fluid stopped on my tip of the nose.

      I found my feelings towards people of different gender a bit odd since eight. I didn't feel particularly attracted to pretty girls, but more towards cute boys.

      I wasn't particularly aware of it until fourteen when puberty started for a year or two, and everyone around started talking about it. Every time I walked on a street alone I could not help as my head turned around to steal glances of boys or men around, like magnets. If I happened to be with my friends or family, I obscured it by taking excess glimpses of girls. This was just an act though. To fool them, and to fool myself.

      Studying in a single sex school everyone talked about girls of the schools nearby and discussed about whether they were worth dating, but I had a crush on my classmate. Every time I looked at him my heart thumped. A certain part of me reacted as well.

      I started taking screenshots of my crush's photos on facebook and instagram. Guilt swelled every time from my gut as if committing a crime. I knew I was being ridiculous, but my desire to own at least something of him was too great to be overcome.

      "Everyone around me claimed homosexuality a crime. Whenever a celebrity came out my mum screams at the TV." Sakura paused as she wiped her face with a tissue given by the teacher.

      Please! Stop that!

      All of that struck too hard into my heart. It ached. I brushed my hand over my face, not surprised to find it wet. Hastily I wiped them all away and sneezed silently, giving an excuse for me to cover my nose in hope that no one noticed me.

      "I was so scared. I thought no one would accept me if I told anyone that I am lesbian. Then he came out through his video."

      I wondered if any homosexual had not been through this. To admit equaled to have the whole life in front of me collapse. My family, for instance, hated homosexuals. Like Sakura's parents they roar in anger, their ears scarlet, with unreasonable perspectives to criticize homosexuality. In most occasions, I had to nod and mutter agreement. Sometimes they would even have me vow never to be a homosexual, as if I could choose. If I tried coming out to my friends, I doubt I could ever be taken as normal ever again. They didn't seem to know very well the fine line of being supportive and being overly nosy and sympathetic.

      Sometimes I wanted to have one to actually understand me and my struggle. I wanted so badly to hold my crush. But most of the time I opted to hide.

      Both sides torn me apart.

      I became so confused and conflicted that thoughts about committing suicide popped up, but at the end I decided to just put all these thoughts into a little package, and to squeeze it so hard that it was only a tiny byte in my mind's closet, wishfully thinking that it could never threaten to come out. As for me, never falling in love and just solely taking comfort in owning related digital images and videos should have worked.

      They should have, but they didn't.

      Holding all these was too terrible to bear. I pretended to be absorbed in listening to my friends' comments about girls, but during lessons I kept stealing wistful glimpses of my crush during lessons. Then at home, when I was alone, I would shatter apart.

      I remembered an afternoon when I caught myself, with a shirt half taken off, touching the mirror, looking into the reflection and questioning what a mess and what a piece of junk I was.

      It all became worse later as on some day my crush had changed his facebook profile picture. I enlarged and prepared to capture it.

      My heart stopped.

      There were two people on the picture. My crush, and him kissing a girl. It was not surprising, given his good looks and great personality, but still. It certainly didn't help when my parents pointed at their phones and screamed at the singer who came out just then.

      "His courage inspired me. For a moment I realized that homosexuality is not a crime. It is just another characteristic of a human being. I am who I am. There is nothing to be afraid of, or be ashamed of."

      I made no further attempt to conceal the fact that I was crying so hard.

      The class gasped, but Sakura ignored them all. She looked straight at me.

      She knew it. She knew what I am feeling too well.

      Miss Avery was hugging her.

      "Well done! You have done a great job. Look: Noel is crying. And Kenneth is crying too. Here is a hug you deserve."

      That's when I realized that everyone had noticed me crying. I pushed my glasses and sneezed.

      "Dude, are you okay?" Matt, sitting nearby, asked.

      I am who I am. It was ringing in my fragile mind.

      "Yeah." Please. I plead silently. Do not discover that I have been observing you ever since the program started.

      Sakura was released from the bear hug by Miss Avery. The traces of tears on her face had a warm welcoming orange glow as the sun outside shone on her. A few of her neck-length hair flowed in the air. Some light passing through the window was refracted so that little rainbows appeared on the ceiling.

      And despite with her puffy eyes she smiled. Straight at me.

      Just like now, as I was still in mid-air.

      "Enough!" I called out to the coach. He slowly reeled me back on the ground.

      "Your turn, Sakura." He told her.

      "Is it okay?" Sakura asked me.

      I had a feeling that she wasn't just simply relating to the ropes.

      "Yeah." I replied.

      Wasting no time, Sakura attempted to conquer the ropes. Slowly she reached for the top.

      "Well done." The coach awed, and turned to me. "Why don't you take photos for her? She did so for you."

      I searched my bags for my phone, as the coach told Sakura, "Good girl! Tell your mama that you did well. She will be proud of you."

      Sakura stopped. I thought she would show signs of discomfort, possibly imagining how her mother may treat her if she disclosed her homosexuality.

      But mostly she just smiled. At me.

      She did it. Why couldn't I?

      She answered with her smile. There is no reason, she seemed to say, because you can. You can do it.

      The little box of my secret was destroyed. Well... not destroyed. It was just cut neatly into six boards. Along with the complex feelings and memories originally in the box, they were orgainized into orderly stacks in my brain.

      I am who I am.

      I exhaled and smiled as a reply. We thanked the coach, and headed outside of the gymnasium. In the background of the gorgeous reservoir with yellow sparks glistening on the calm blue surface like sapphire, we walked back to our classroom for once again the speaking class.

Note: Which of the following two, 'Two Spectrums' and 'Two Spectra of Colours' is more suitable as the title of this story? (In case you haven't realized, 'spectrum' here refers to a rainbow.) Please tell me what you think!