E - Everyone

A Time Before Time

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Hey there I’m Sam Achilles and this is my story. You might get confused but this is my recount of what happened, this is how I see the world. 

Chapter 1

"Bwehhh!" I was standing over the toilet, my father standing behind me.

"Wow, what did you eat?" he asked. I didn't reply. Well technically I couldn't - I was leaning over the toilet waiting to throw up some more. Nothing came out, so I stood up and brushed myself off.

"Go get some sleep Sam, you're going to need it." Dad walked off. I got up and stood in front of the sink and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked the same bright green eyes, light skin and black tousled hair, but I felt a whole lot different. Not on the outside but on the inside it was as if I lost part of myself. Maybe it was because I threw up, but I knew that wasn't it.

It was 2 o'clock in the morning, and I had school tomorrow. So dad was right - I had to sleep. But what I didn't know was that my life would never be the same.

Chapter 2

The next morning I slipped on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans, grabbed my bag, and walked to the bus stop. Dad was at work; he got a call last night about an accident and the survivor was lethally wounded,and mum? God knows where Mum is.

***

I walked through the school gate and everything went quiet. I could swear even the birds stopped whistling. I tried to ignore it and walked through the hallways. Every step I took was one step away from what life I knew.

I bumped into Connor at my locker. He was shorter than me but broader than me he had blonde hair, blue eyes. He was my best friend - well, he was my only friend. Yet he looked at me as if I was a murderer.

"What happened?" I asked Connor in a whisper. He ignored me, slammed his locker and stalked off.

I caught up to him in the hallway and asked him again. This time he turned around and spoke - well not spoke,more like yelled - "You see all these people here, someone killed all their family, Sam. Their mothers and fathers - all of them. He orphaned hundreds of kids. Not only the people here, but all their brothers and sisters. He killed my parents Sam. He stabbed them right before my eyes. But you're all right your family's still alive what are we supposed to think?"

"What you think I did it?!" Sam asked

"What would you think Sam if I was the only person with parents."

"I didn't! I was at home throwing up all night. I slept at 2 o'clock and chased the bus to school this morning. I would never, and could never, kill anyone," I replied in as soft as a tone as I had

Connor turned around and walked away. Everyone walked away.

Chapter 3

School went normal. Well, normal for today. Everybody yelling at me just because I couldn't retaliate on school grounds, 'school rules.' Speaking of school, why the hell was everybody at school when their parents just died? Something was wrong. The principal.

I sprinted down the hallway, bumping into people and jumping over people leaning into their lockers. I saw Connor leaning into his locker and pulled the back of his shirt. I stopped behind him. When he turned around, it looked like I scared the life out of him.

"You need to follow me. Something bad is going to happen," I urged.

"How do you know?"

"I feel it. Ok look, I don't care if you come or not, but you'll know who killed your parents."

"Stop making up stupid excuses, everyone knows you killed them and right now you want me to believe you." Connor replied.

“Why would I do that?”

“I don’t know why would you kill my parents?”

“I didn’t, just follow me or don’t just hurry up.”

I took off with Connor right at my heels. We took a left turn, then a right, and ended up in front of the administration office. I stopped Connor ran straight into me, we both crashed through the doors, smashing them off their hinges.

"Why'd you stop dude?" Connor angrily asked me. He looked up and then figured it out. Standing in front of the desk was Sadie Jones, a girl from my maths class. She had shoulder length black hair. Dark blue eyes and was about an inch shorter than me. But to answer his question I stopped because there was someone here when something extremely dangerous was about to go down and another reason but you don’t need to know. It took me a few seconds to figure out why we were here. I jumped over the administration desk followed by Connor. There was no one there. I went to find out where the office ladies were and then I saw him. Holding the principals neck against the wall, lifting him a few feet above the ground. The man was carrying a half black, half red sword.

The man stabbed the sword right into his heart. The principal didn't crumple in a pool of blood or turn into dust - he just disappeared without a sound. But that wasn't the scariest part. That part was when the killer ripped his sword out from the wall and he turned around. He was wearing a mask and armour that like his sword was half black and half red. His green eyes locked with mine and then we started to flicker. Our whole bodies started to disappear, then we stopped flickering and our bodies reappeared.

"Hello Sam," he said. Then he disappeared.

Chapter 4

Ok what the hell just happened

"So you believe me now?" I asked Connor.

"I guess."

We walked out of the office, this time using the door. Sadie was still standing behind the desk, and by the look on her face it meant she had watched everything that happened.

“Sooo, how much of that did you see…”

"Enough to know the truth," She replied. Connor turned around and walked through the empty hole in the wall that used to be a pair of doors. I followed him and Sadie walked out behind us-what she was doing-I don't know. We stopped half way down the hall, all of us thinking the same thing, what on earth just happened. Personally I thought I hit my head when I woke up and I was hallucinating to the point of insanity.

“So is this the same guy who killed your parents?" I asked. But all Connor did was nod. I turned to Sadie and she looked exactly like Connor did they both looked like stone. "Ok I know seeing your parents killer..." I tried to say but Sadie cut me off, "It's not about that, it's the fact that you flickered, that's not possible, and it was scary you just disappeared."

"Yeah I thought you were going to disappear like the principal," Connor said.

"How does he know you?" Sadie asked

"I don't know about that, but if he killed all of those people then we have to tell someone." I say

"If he carries a sword that makes people disappear and wears a mask what can the police do. The only thing we can do is chase him down." Connor said

"What are you thinking Connor there's nothing 'we' can do, but if we do anything count me in." Sadie replied

"No, we're not going to do anything," Sam answered

"But he killed..." Connor said but I cut him off

"And you're parents wouldn't want you to die because you thought it was a good idea to get into a fight with this guy."

"You don't know what you're talking about Sam your dad isn't dead and neither is your mum." Sadie said. I looked at her and see that her facial expression had changed from stone scared to angry. I stared into her blue eyes and said, "My mum is neither alive or dead she's gone and that's ten times worse than knowing if she's dead for sure."

"Oh..."

"We go home and we act like we saw nothing until tomorrow morning on our free period. Alright." I wasn't asking. Ending the conversation I stepped back and looked at both of them expecting them to refuse but they said nothing-which was technically a good thing right. We continued to walk towards the gates when I remembered. "Why are you two at school. Shouldn't you be at home mourning or something?" I asked

"The foster care teacher said there was no point mourning when it wasn't going to bring them back." Sadie said

"Really?"

"Yeah,"

Well that was messed up and I knew that but part of me knew it was true getting sad didn't bring Mum back. Mum...What did she look like-she had my eyes but I couldn't remember her face. I couldn't remember her laugh her smile. She used laugh a lot right. What is wrong with me.

MUM

It's alright kid

Then I saw her face smiling down on me. I almost fell on my face in the real world

Mum?

Mum!?

But nobody answered. Then I hit my head into something. I opened my eyes and saw that walked into the gate. Sadie and Connor laughed a noise I hadn't heard all day. It was a great noise in my opinion. I couldn't help but smile, then I heard something drop onto the ground. "Laughter. Why create such a sound when all it does is fill a place with noise." The voice said

I spun my head around and saw him again I saw the man with the sword I pushed myself in front of Connor and Sadie and looked at him in his eyes. "What do you want from us?"

"Me? Well I don't want anything except to tell you the truth." He took off his mask simultaneously his armour disappeared and I saw myself 5 years older the same eyes same face but a few scars marked along his cheeks and long black hair. "I am you, Sam."

"Why are you so old, and don't say what I think you're gonna say." Sadie said

"I am from the future. A sad lost future."

"What happens?" Connor asked

"There was a group of people led by the principal of your school. This group of people mainly your parents." He said looking at Sadie and Connor. "That wanted what I had so they trapped me and ran tests on me. I ran away after months of testing and hid at a temple off in Mexico, I met a warrior there who gave me this sword and my mask. "He gestured to his hip and face."Then the principal found me and he heard from somewhere that he had to kill me to take my powers so they tried to but couldn't so after years of searching they found another another inhabitable planet and moved their family there that's where they destroyed the planet I stopped the explosions around me and made it but everyone else was dead I was the only person alive on the only piece of earth left that survived the explosion. That's when I went back through time to kill the principal and everybody that was apart of the group before any of the killing started."

"What did you. I mean me, I have that they didn't." I asked

"You have powers or you get the power to do things that humans could never dream of and you are incredibly fast and you're stronger than any person alive your senses are enhanced once you master the four elements you can create anything you can imagine and you can control time."

Connor whistled,"Damn you can do all of that, why've you been holding out on me,"

"No. I can't"

"Oh, but you will." The man said

"Then why haven't you left." Sam asked

"Because there's still one more person that has to die, he has to die because I can't risk someone else taking on in the principal's footsteps. My job is done here all that's left is for you to die." 

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
artybirdy
Review

Hello, I’m here to review!

First, let’s start with the improvements you can make.

"Bwehhh!" I was standing over the toilet, my father standing behind me. "Wow, what did you eat?" he asked

Here, you have put the father’s dialogue on the same line as Sam’s, and that can be confusing. Remember, every time a new character speaks, another paragraph should be started.

I looked the same bright green eyes, light skin and black tousled hair, but I felt a whole lot different.

I felt as if you brushed over the details here. Perhaps, you could add his thoughts about how he feels he’s different and, maybe, give us hints about what changed him.

I found it unrealistic that all parents and siblings were killed at once. How did Conner know Sam’s parents were alive? I also thought Sam and Conner’s conversation kicked off too quickly. Maybe, you could build up the mystery and suspense of why Sam was being ignored by his peers.

I don't understand why you left the massive space after the last sentence. It's an inconsistent format and looks unprofessional. Great cliff-hanger though! It has certainly caught my interest. Please let me know when you post the next chapter. Thank you.

Overall, this has a lot of potential. You need to proof read your work before posting it. I liked the descriptions you provided in the last paragraph, but I’d still advise you to draw out each scene to create a tense atmosphere. This is to engage your readers and make them eager to read ahead.

Well done, and keep writing!

Thanks for the review

posted my next chapter

No problem! I'll check it out.

User avatar
Tarakona Review

Greetings Samachilles,

This is a rather interesting piece, however there are parts about which I was a bit confused.

One part is this at the start of the text: ""Bwehhh," I was standing over the toilet, his father was standing behind him..."
This part starts with I, but then says "his father was standing behind him..." It seems that you are jumping from first to third person, and back again. Is this on purpose? Or perhaps a simple error? I was just a bit confused about this.

In Chapter 2: "...the survivor was lethally wounded, he had to save the patient..."
To me, a "lethally wounded" patient, unfortunately, wouldn't be able to be saved. Perhaps "mortally" or "severely" wounded may work better?

Other than this and a few grammatical bits and pieces, this is a very interesting piece, and I look forward to reading more.

Kindest regards,
Tarakona

Thanks for the review Tarakona I'll go through and edit it.

I shall have to review the next chapter at a later time, as I am rather busy at this moment in time. I should be able to review later today, or perhaps tomorrow.

Woah. *is speechless*
Hey, Samachilles!! Great story you've got here! I hope I'm not being blunt, but there are a few things I wanted to try and help with. I'll put different sections and then the critiques in spoilers. May seem weird, but it's my way of reviewing, :)

Typos/Odd Sentences

Spoiler
"Bwehhh," I was standing over the toilet, his father was standing behind him

I dunno, this just seems confusing. I feel like maybe you started out writing the story in one point of view, then switched and forgot to edit this part. I may be way off, though. But here's a suggestion on a way to switch/fix it.
"Blegh." I was standing over the toilet, my father standing behind me.

"Wow what did you eat," he asked.

I'd switch it to "Wow. What did you eat?" My father asked.

^^with both of those nit-picks, ignore the switching of "he" to "father" if there is someone else in the room (friend, maybe) and the friends father. I may have completely misread/interpreted things.

I didn't reply, well technically I couldn't I was leaning over the toilet waiting to throw up some more but nothing came so I stood up brushed myself off.

This sentence is extremely long, I'd try breaking it up. Here's a suggestion:
"I didn't reply, as I really couldn't. I was leaning over the toilet, waiting to throw up some more. But nothing came so I stood up and brushed myself off."

"Go get some sleep Sam you're going to need it,"

I'd switch the comma for a period.

The next morning I slipped on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans grabbed my bag and walked to the bus stop, dad was at work, he got a call last night about an accident and the survivor was lethally wounded, he had to save the patient, and mum was God knows where.

Again, really long. Here's a suggestion to replace/fix it~
The next morning I slipped on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans, grabbed my bag and walked to the bus stop. Dad was at work, he got a call last night about an accident and the survivor was lethally wounded, so he had to go save the patient. And mum was God knows where.

I walked through the school gate and everything went quiet, I could swear even the birds stopped whistling, I tried to ignore them and walked through the hallways every step I took was one step away from what life I knew.

Once again, really long. Try~
I walked through the school gate and everything went quiet. I could swear even the birds stopped whistling. I tried to ignore them and walked through the hallways. Every step I took was one step away from the life I knew.

I bumped into Connor at my locker my best friend, well he was my only friend he looked at me as if I was a murderer, "What happened?" I ask Connor in a whisper. He ignored me and slammed his locker and stalked off.

This is just a bit confusing. Try~
I bumped into Connor, my best friend, and only friend at my locker. He looked at me as if I was a murderer.

"What happened?" I ask Connor in a whisper. He ignored me and slammed his locker and stomped off.

I catch up to him in the hallway and ask him again. This time he turned around and spoke, well not spoke as much as yelled, "You see all these people here, You killed all their parents, mothers and fathers all of them, you orphaned hundreds of kids not only the people here but all their brothers and sisters, you killed my parents Sam, you stabbed them right before my eyes."

Long. Try~
I catch up to him in the hallway and ask him again. This time he turned around and spoke, well not spoke as much as yelled.

"You see all these people here, You killed all their parents, you orphaned hundreds of kids. Not only the people here but all their brothers and sisters. You killed my parents Sam, you stabbed them right before my eyes."



"What no I didn't I was at home throwing up all night I slept at 2 o'clock and chased the bus to school this morning, I would never, could never kill anyone." I replied in as soft as a tone as I had.

Just a bit confusing. Try~
"What? No I didn't, I was at home throwing up all night. I finally slept at 2 o'clock, and then chased the bus to school this morning. I could never kill anyone." I replied in as soft as a tone as I had

Connor turned around and walked away. Everyone walked away.

Just a bit repetitive. Try~
Connor turned around and walked away, with everyone following.

You seem to have a problem with really long sentences. Don't feel bad, I had this problem too. I fixed it by just keeping length in mind, and thinking about how many words I wanted, etc.


Plot
Spoiler
The plot is really intriguing! I really have no problems with it. I'm excited to get to know more about your characters etc.


Overall this story is great and I can't wait to read more of your work. I really hope I wasn't horribly blunt ! :)

Thanks for the review I'm going to post my revised version later



"The trouble with Borrowing another mind was, you always felt out of place when you got back to your own body, and Granny was the first person ever to read the mind of a building. Now she was feeling big and gritty and full of passages. 'Are you all right?' Granny nodded, and opened her windows. She extended her east and west wings and tried to concentrate on the tiny cup held in her pillars."
— Terry Pratchett, Discworld: Equal Rites