z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Changer

by Samachilles


Chapter 1

"Bwehhh!" I was standing over the toilet, my father standing behind me. "Wow, what did you eat?" he asked. I didn't reply. Well technically I couldn't - I was leaning over the toilet waiting to throw up some more. Nothing came out, so I stood up and brushed myself off.

"Go get some sleep Sam, you're going to need it." Dad walked off. I got up and stood in front of the sink and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked the same bright green eyes, light skin and black tousled hair, but I felt a whole lot different.

It was 2 o'clock in the morning, and I had school tomorrow. So dad was right - I had to sleep. But what I didn't know was that my life would never be the same.

Chapter 2

The next morning I slipped on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans, grabbed my bag, and walked to the bus stop. Dad was at work; he got a call last night about an accident and the survivor was lethally wounded,and mum? God knows where Mum is.

***

I walked through the school gate and everything went quiet. I could swear even the birds stopped whistling. I tried to ignore it and walked through the hallways. Every step I took was one step away from what life I knew.

I bumped into Connor at my locker. He was shorter than me but broader than me he had blonde hair, blue eyes. He was my best friend - well, he was my only friend. Yet he looked at me as if I was a murderer.

"What happened?" I asked Connor in a whisper. He ignored me, slammed his locker and stalked off.

I caught up to him in the hallway and asked him again. This time he turned around and spoke - well not spoke,more like yelled - "You see all these people here, someone killed all their family, Sam. Their mothers and fathers - all of them. He orphaned hundreds of kids. Not only the people here, but all their brothers and sisters. He killed my parents Sam. He stabbed them right before my eyes. But you're all right your family's still alive what are we supposed to think?"

"What you think I did it?!" Sam asked

"What would you think Sam if I was the only person with parents."

"I didn't! I was at home throwing up all night. I slept at 2 o'clock and chased the bus to school this morning. I would never, and could never, kill anyone," I replied in as soft as a tone as I had

Connor turned around and walked away. Everyone walked away.


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25 Reviews


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Reviews: 25

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Mon Feb 20, 2017 3:00 am
IrisNight wrote a review...



Okay so good job I will go on with the negative stuff first then the good stuff, well as for the grammatical mistakes, the last review covered that but my biggest issue with this was that everything seemed to rushed. Now I am not saying it's bad, but I think your chapters could use a lite work, I am no perfect writer and maybe I am wrong, but that's just me.

Now for the good stuff, I like how you explained everything and how you went into things it was okay I was not much for the beginning but you did pretty well, nice job.

Have a nice day and keep writing :)




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52 Reviews


Points: 308
Reviews: 52

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Sun Feb 19, 2017 11:50 pm
Sillia wrote a review...



Sillia here!

I do my reviews while I read so if something seems off thats why :P

Anyway onto the review!

First off, I appreciate that you didn't just put Chapter 1 by its self because of how short it is! Quick Question: The Closer is the name of the story right? Anyway;

I looked the same bright green eyes, light skin and black tousled hair, but I felt a whole lot different.


This part seems like it needs like a semicolon or a comma. So.. "I looked the same; bright green eyes, light skin and black tousled hair, but I felt a whole lot different."

So dad was right - I had to sleep.


"Dad"

The next morning I slipped on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans, grabbed my bag, and walked to the bus stop


So this part seems kinda blehh. Maybe get rid of the first and? So: "The next morning I slipped on a t-shit, a pair of jeans, grabbed my bad, and walked to the bus stop"

Dad was at work; he got a call last night about an accident and the survivor was lethally wounded,and mum?


"Mum" and I'm slightly confused by this. Why would he be at work if there was an accident and the survivor is lethally wounded? I don't know to me it seems like if my wife (or the mother of my child) was missing I'd be concerned and wondering where she was and probably wouldn't go into work if you know what I mean.

I walked through the school gate and everything went quiet. I could swear even the birds stopped whistling.


These sentences could probably be combined. So "I walked through the school gate and everything went quiet; I could swear that even the birds stopped whistling."

[quotes]He was shorter than me but broader than me he had blonde hair, blue eyes.[/quote]

"He was shorter and broader than me"

I slept at 2 o'clock and chased the bus to school this morning. I would never, and could never, kill anyone,


"I went to sleep at two o'clock and chased the bus to school this morning"

So I'm kind of confused again...If whoever it was killed all the kids parents and siblings wouldn't some kids at the school be dead too? Also if my parents were murdered before my eyes I wouldn't be at school...There are just a few things that I'm really confused by. And I doubt that the kids would be at school if their parents were dead...I dunno I'm just really confused. :P Some clarification would be nice. Otherwise I liked it.


Keep writing!

Sillia





akdsjfh you know that feeling where you start writing a scene but then you get bored with the scene so you move on and start writing a different scene and then you get bored with that scene so you move on to an entirely different WIP and then you get bored with that so you move on-
— AceassinOfTheMoon