z

Young Writers Society


16+

Savior of the World

by idelliza


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

SAVIOR OF THE WORLD

Sound of insects and wind banging the window didn't let me sleep long. Lazily I woke up and locked the window to avoid the same disturbance. it was dark, in fact very dark. I don't know how but did manage to do the job without help of light. That's how visually impaired people work, maybe. I realized now I needed to go to the bathroom. Well, this time too i tried to go without using light but ouch I got hit with my study table. I laughed at myself for my silly thinking although I know I am silly.

I looked at my bed after switching the light on and that was when I realized my cousin not to be there. She must have gone to the bathroom, I thought. So I again lied down on the bed listening to music waiting for her. Oh, it was pretty long time but she didn't arrive. I went near the bathroom door and knocked it. The lights were on "Hey! Do come fast" i said but she didn't reply. I was amazed not hearing her sing. "Cindy?" I called. "Now, if you don't want me to open the door, please speak something." No, not any reply again. As the door wasn't locked from inside. I opened it slowly. Not seeing her inside made my heart beat faster.

Now, unusual things came to my mind. It was night, about 2 am and at that point of time where could she have gone? To meet her boyfriend? No, he had gone out of the valley the day before and I had gone with Cindy to meet him.

I am not that kind of girl, really. But I do think situation change people, that I started thinking my cousin to be a ghost, as they happen in movies. It's all nonsense, i tried to console myself. I don't know whether it was my heart or brain saying all i was thinking was nothing but an imagination. But the other was sure for it to be true.

What if my cousin was in trouble? If she's been kidnapped? Well, one can't be sure.Or maybe she's a drug addict or something, as I said one cant be sure.

I thought it to be wise enough not to wake my parents- it'd cause commotion. But I had to find about Cindy without making late. So I went downstairs with a torch light. I searched around the garden. Then,I looked through the bushes. Yes ,there was she. Hey,she seemed to be sleeping in the garden. Maybe she loved to watch stars like I do. I looked around the sky but the clouds covered stars."Cindy",I called. But she didn't listen.She was wearing her brown fury jacket."Cindy. Don't say you are asleep here.",I was saying when i realized it not to be her at all.I woke up not Cindy but someone else.After realizing it,I ran towards the door and Jasper barked at me. Cindy's stupid dog!Yes, I was happy of Cindy's arrival but her dog..... Let me remind you, I have dog-o-phobia.Thank god. If i was in other side of the garden I could have got an heart attack.

I realized it not to be safe outside. But from where could I search her? Phone? Yes, I could call her cell. Her phone which beeped on my own room made me angry. But more worried. I went to the balcony hoping to see her from there. But it was so dark.

I semed to hear voices from upstairs. The upper floor- no one sleeps there and i was the one who bolted te door that night. Was it a thief? So many tensions! I tried to listen more carefully and managed to hear "Now I've come to the end of my mission and i hope you won't back up at the end. Then I'll be the ruler. Everything will be mine." Who could it be? I ran upstairs. I was trembling with fear.

I could hear the same voice ''You say yourself to be a devil but why are you scared?" "No master I ain't scared." That seemed like Cindy but I wasn't sure. "Then say boldly whats your next step?" "Master I'll help you to take control in this world." It was Cindy speaking.Then I could hear them laugh, an evil laugh. The other voice was familiar but I couldn't figure it out. I couldn't see them because of dark. But hearing the conversation I knew I, my family, in fact the whole world was in trouble. As I had seen recently in a movie I thought God had sent me to save everyone. As I had no time to waste I had to do something quickly. Now , I wasn't hearing them. I looked. I could see a blur vision of a single person. Realizing there to be only one person I could catch that person, or whoever it is, not to make their plan success.

I walked towards the person, caught by the hands and twitched them. "Ouch. have you gone insane? LEAVE ME" It was no alien but Cindy. "It's now time to tell me everything. Now I've caught you Cindy. You can't harm anyone." I said.

But she didn't say anything. Was she going to attack me back? "Cindy, surrender" But all she did was gave a big yawn and say "Hey, I thought I was sleeping. How did I come here?And who are you speaking to ?"

"Again you act.Now that I've known about your plan- " She didn't let me finish and walked downstairs.Through their conversation I knew without Cindy,their plan wouldn't be success. So,I waked up whole night keeping an eye on her.But I was scared of her and her partners to do anything behind my back.

It was in the morning I felt relieved to see everyone well and protected.Cindy acted pretty well as if nothing had happened. I prepared myself to talk about Cindy and last night with my family. Before I could speak anything my Dad came laughing into the kitchen. He looked so red as if blood would burst out from his cheeks. "Dad, are you all right?" I asked thinking Cindy to have done something. After Dad had controlled himself, he told us a story, good enough to kill me.

Actually Cindy had a habit of sleepwalking which Dad had realized few days ago. So he had kept camera on the top. Last night he got the video made. Although he had intention to make Cindy's video, it had me too. Well, it had nothing to do with him because all he wanted to do was to make fun and instead of Cindy, I was the target. And what more, the video was shown to everyone. Now', I was blushing with embarrassment, more than Dad was. Thanks to Cindy's sleepwalking my family has got another reason to make fun of me. Nowadays they all call me "Savior of the world".


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Points: 522
Reviews: 12

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Sun Apr 05, 2015 1:24 pm
silversky says...



Great story, room for improvement though. You definitely want to go over your grammar, But I''m not in a position to judge. you should also look at your word choice, as in some parts it could be a bit simpler while in others its a little to simple. Also a few parts didn't make since, like "as they happen in movies". That sentence just sound a little weird. But it was over all a nice story, and I really liked the ending.




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Points: 522
Reviews: 12

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Sun Apr 05, 2015 1:08 pm
silversky says...



Great story, room for improvement though. You definitely want to go over your grammar, But I''m not in a position to judge. you should also look at your word choice, as in some parts it could be a bit simpler while in others its a little to simple. Also a few parts didn't make since, like "as they happen in movies". That sentence just sound a little weird. But it was over all a nice story, and I really liked the ending.




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Points: 522
Reviews: 12

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Sun Apr 05, 2015 1:08 pm
silversky wrote a review...



Great story, room for improvement though. You definitely want to go over your grammar, But I''m not in a position to judge. you should also look at your word choice, as in some parts it could be a bit simpler while in others its a little to simple. Also a few parts didn't make since, like "as they happen in movies". That sentence just sound a little weird. But it was over all a nice story, and I really liked the ending.




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Tue Mar 31, 2015 6:58 pm
pendr wrote a review...



Hi! I'm Pendr, and I'm really excited to read and review this! Let's get started, shall we? (By the way, welcome to YWS! You'll love it here!)

"Sound of insects and wind banging the window didn't let me sleep long." Put 'the' at the beginning of this. Maybe you could change 'banging' to 'rattling' since the wind is moving the window, not hitting it.

"Lazily I woke up and locked the window to avoid the same disturbance." You need a comma after 'lazily'

"it was dark, in fact very dark." Capitalize 'it' and put a comma after 'in fact'

"I don't know how but did manage to do the job without help of light." comma after 'how' and change 'did manage' to 'I managed'

"I realized now I needed to go to the bathroom." take out now

"Well, this time too i tried to go without using light but ouch I got hit with my study table. I laughed at myself for my silly thinking although I know I am silly." I would recommend proofreading this story for capitalization errors seeing as this is your second. Also, you need commas around 'too.' Take out 'ouch' because it's really unprofessional there. This might be better without the last sentence, but definitely take out the 'although I know I am silly.' It makes it a run-on, and you use silly twice in a row.

"I looked at my bed after switching the light on and that was when I realized my cousin not to be there." take out 'that was when' and put a comma before 'and.' Also, make the last part 'my cousin was not there'

"So I again lied down on the bed listening to music waiting for her." put a comma after 'listening' and 'music'

"Oh, it was pretty long time but she didn't arrive." comma before 'but' because it's a compound sentence

"I went near the bathroom door and knocked it." near should be 'to' and you need an 'on' after 'knocked'

" The lights were on "Hey! Do come fast" i said but she didn't reply. I was amazed not hearing her sing." put a period after 'on.' Also, start a new paragraph at "hey" You need a comma after 'fast' and after 'said'

Um. Okay, I really don't want to be mean, but there are so many punctuation, capitalization, and grammar mistakes that I can't make it through this. I'm sorry, and I hope I helped and can help more in the future, but I really think this could use a proof read by you. Look through it thoroughly, fix fragments and places that don't make sense, and correct any conventions you notice. That will make it better and easier to read.
I am really interested in reading more of this, but please look through it yourself. Thanks! Good luck, and good job!
-Pendr



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idelliza says...


Thank you. That was my first try and thanks for pointing out my mistakes. I hope I'll be able to improve.




Pain is filtered in a poem so that it becomes finally, in the end, pleasure.
— Mark Strand