Young Writers Society

Hey there, I liked the way you've framed this poem, but isn't it more of a song? I don't know why but it's missing the poetic stuff.

Anways.

" Her throat chocked of suppressed cries," Isn't this grammatically incorrect? It doesn't fit in. And it is choked, not chocked.

"She heaved a warm breadth, shut her dry eyes" Same mistake, incorrect somehow. It is breath, not breadth in this context.

Please use more of content here, this was extremely shallow. Work on spellings and stanza formations.

"With crystalline tears pricking her eyes." crystalline doesn't fit here.

I didn't get the line on which you were going, it was haywire. Why did he want to push her away? What happened, not the entire thing, but a brief idea should be there.

Anyways, keep writing and stay blessed. Good try.

hi rituparnabhowmik.your poem is very nice. when every part ends you wrote the lines:

[ Please call me back] then, [Let me cry my heart out] and [Hate me darling i am not worthy for you...]

these line makes me emotional. every line of the poem is so much touching and also loving.
i like the last part:

"The boy lay on his bed,

His vision hazy from the stream coursing down.

In that hazy mist, he half-hoped his beloved to appear,

However, he would have to again push her away… much to his disappointment."
the total poem is very beautiful. so keep writing like this..........

Now this, is more like it. A fine number if I do say so myself. Let us begin.

The beginning was a perfect way to set the scene of modern tragedy. The youthful teen crying her heart out over the mourning of lost love. The laments of not knowing what to do from all you've already tried. It is a mockery, tragic and mockingly so. My only critique here is to lose the 'but' , it gives for a more professional viewpoint, as well as letting that verse gain a little of its own strength. My English professor once gave me a wonderful piece of advice.

"Anything after a but, stinks." to put it formally haha. The word itself is fine at times, though should be used sparingly.

Not that the second verse is not good. But I wish to come back to it. Again, with the last stanza it paints the framework of your picture beautifully. You don't guide us onto the journey rather, give each sex their own pedestal to remember their own anguish and decisions. It is a lovely way of writing.

Now, back to the second stanza and what I believe to be the importance of it. Especially in a poem such as this. Here, you have a decent poem. Girls feelings, her feelings again, boys standpoint. It is a decent poem. A nice read. However, though boys may be from mars and girls from Jupiter, we are still the same. I think the second verse should be more intertwined to them both. Not to say it is not also good as it stands. On the contrary it is very good. But in this instance, both parties experience this remorse you speak here. Both in different ways.

Girls could read this piece from top to bottom and boys bottom to top and you will get two different viewpoints with the same meaning.

What I mean to suggest is, if the middle was unisexual, then it would bring this piece from a decent read to, I would like to show this to my friend as well because it was really good. Maybe even to a couple who I know is feeling the same way, instead of "I know how the feels."

All in all, a good poem and I believe you are on the right track to finding that niche I spoke is in your last piece. Please take my suggestion into polite thought, and do with it as you will. I enjoyed this.