Tragedy

It is hard to know the extent of an internal problem when the problem can only be viewed on the surface. Like a doctor, I can just prescribe remedies after seeing symptoms instead of the ailment. I hope that you keep this in mind as you read my story, but I know that if I were reading this, I would not.

I woke up in a panic. My dream was dull, with a range of cool dark colors mainly consisting of purple and blue. They were very desaturated, almost to the point where I couldn't make out the bear from the surrounding shrubbery. She was a little black bear, well, not little; she was a bear. She wasn't a grizzly, just a black bear, weak on her legs and thin from a long winter. She was also my mother, and I loved her dearly though I know if I approached her in the dream, she'd freak out and scold me eternally when I woke up, so I stayed back. I hid in a thicket not too far away, but out of her immediate sight.

The wind blew and scratched me with the thicket I hid behind as the new leaves were pulled from the tree. She was sitting back in the clearing, and crying loudly, a low bellowing moan from her flapping jowls. There were blueberry bushes all around us, full of fruit and sustenance, but she sat too depressed to eat, just crying in front of this little vine. It was the most saturated thing in the forest, with little red berries trailing up the bush.

I could only watch as she reached out for them, and the vine crawled around a bush, which changed into my father. He padded forward and stood on my mother's thick black legs, a little wolf, and nuzzled against her chest, wanting to give her comfort. The barriers hung around him like a cloak.

How could I just sit there and watch. My father was dead. The gray wolf was just a figment of her thoughts, begging for him to be with her. My butt hit the ground before I knew I was sitting, and I felt the dream around me failing.

"Ma," I whispered. Darkness took the scene; my eyes shut.When I opened them again, I was floating in the sky. My mother was there still. Her short, curly, brown hair kept getting in her eyes as she reached up for Dad's flushed hand. He smiled down at her, and pulled his hand away as we fell. We hit water before there was an ocean below us, and tried desperately to swim, but there was nothing for it. I swam over to her now, and wrapped my jaws around her red blouse, pawing hard to the surface, and kicking with all my might.

She threw her arms around wildly, kicking herself and grabbing at my mane. We breached as she pulled on my ear and I was thrown away. Her heel connected with my chest as she screamed in fear. The water felt like acid on my flesh, prickling and ripping.

I woke up.

Rolling over I reached for my phone, not seeing the time on the alarm clock. My hand connected with the smooth leather case, and I dragged it closer to my face, flipping it open. Thumbs smacking against the smooth surface like it was an old acquaintance, I sat up pawing for my glasses. The leg stubbed itself against the bone around my eye before sliding behind my ear. The far leg got caught on the phone and I had to readjust.

It rang for hours. I kicked my legs over the side and got up, pacing.

It wasn't my mother who answered the phone. I hung up and pressed again to call searching for pants. I ended up in a sweater with some mistletoe and a pair of jeans that had salt caked onto the cuffs. Tugging on a jacket, and shoving my feet in some shoes, I was out of the house before the phone could hang up on me again. She never did set up her voice mail. I'd have to do that for her tomorrow.

Down the long cold sidewalk, nearly slipping on the ice, and I made it to the suburbs, somehow. All I remember was hanging up and calling again, and again, praying she would pick up. As I rounded the third corner into the subdivision, the ringing stopped, silence.

"Mm, Hello?" Her breath was thick in her tone. She spoke quietly, muffled and dull.

"Ma?" I asked, and re-doubled my pace, breaking into a jog.

"Lyinal? What are you calling me about? Are you alright?"

"Yeah," I laughed a little and tears sprang from my eyes. Cold crawled down my cheeks instead as I sniffed. My snot was frozen.

"What's the matter Honey?" she asked with great effort.

"Ma, I just want you to know that I'm here, alright? I'm here too."

Silence. I could hear her thinking as her breath quickened slightly and she thought about what to say. I wrapped my arms around myself, the thin jacket didn't do much for below zero. My feet were freezing without socks and my whole body shivered. I clung to the phone like it was warmth.

"Have you been lucid dreaming again Lyinal?" she demanded. "I told you not to do that. (heh Ma) It's not good for you. (yeah Ma) You always work yourself up over nothing."

I couldn't suppress myself. I laughed and wiped away my tears on my sleeve, glancing around. Slowly, I started back to my apartment. "No, Ma. I wasn't lucid dreaming. (uh huh.) That means you've got control of the dream. I didn't have control."

"Have you been taking your sleeping medication?" She asked quietly.

"No, Ma. I don't need it any more. The doctors said I was good to get off it."

"Well the doctors don't know about my son," She scolded me.

I smiled, soothed by the familiar condemnation. "Ma," I whispered back. "You alright?" I asked as I sniffed again.

"For god's sake blow your nose child!" she scolded. I smiled.

"But are you alright?" I pressed.

"I'm fine Lyinal. I'm fine."

"If you wasn't,"

"Weren't." she corrected.

"you'd call me right?" I had to ask. I had to.

"Boy if you are out there freezing your butt off just because you thought some petty dream about drowning is going to overcome me-(Ma), then you had best get your butt back to your apartment. I expect you to work tomorrow and stop this nonsense. Do you understand me young man?"

"Yes, Ma." I was calling tomorrow off.

"If I see you before you're supposed to be out of work, I swear I will lock the doors and change the bolts." I could hear her get up, checking outside. Thank god I wasn't that close or I would really get a hounding.

"Yes, Ma." Walking home was going to take a while. I'd run most of the half an hour and the chill was setting in fast.

"Now then, why did you call me this late? It's nearly three."

I smiled, I couldn't help myself. Shivering as I was, and barely able to make it around the corners, I picked up my pace. "Well I was worried about you. I had this bad dream about Dad and I just wanted to make sure you were alright, you know?"

"No. Dreams are dreams. Don't assume anything because of dreams. They're dreams." If only she were right. I took a deep breath, and coughed as the cold air got to me. Pulling my jacket closer, I didn't see the cars I could hear.

"I just wanted to talk."

"Boy, I had twelve missed calls."

"I'm sorry Ma. I might have over-reacted." It was a begrudgingly obvious lie, still. I had to say it.

"Mm hmm." She didn't believe me. "You might have over-reacted just a bit. Now hang up and let me get some sleep. I have work tomorrow too or did you forget that I still have a job even though your father died?"

"I'm sorry Ma. Call me later?"

"No Boy. You're a grown man. You don't have to come running home to mommy every time you have a nightmare. Now I love you, do you know that?"

"Of course I know that Ma."

"Good." She hesitated, I could practically feel it through the phone. "You know I'd never do nothing to harm you, right?" She didn't want to hang up. She didn't want to let go, but she had to. I had to. Her words were quiet, slurry, and I was freezing. The hand on the phone hurt like termites were digging into it.

"Yeah, Ma. I know." I did my best to keep my voice even, but I'd woken up in a cold sweat, and run into the cold.

"Good. Now tell me you love me too and I'll get back to sleep."

"Night Ma, I love you."

"Goodnight Lyinal." She hung up.

Just like that I was left in the cold on the sidewalk, shivering like I was a leaf. All the way home I argued with myself about if the dream was real or not.

As much as she could be right, I had dreams that weren't lucid dreams, that weren't normal either. I had dreams with other people. It wasn't a new occurrence, and she seemed to recognize that it was one of them considering she cited a dream we had together. Still, drowning could mean a lot right? What if she was just overwhelmed right now? What if she was just getting sick and her body was trying to tell her that?

Dream theory was complicated and I still didn't have all the answers even if I had a lot of dreams to analyze that were not my own. These musings dragged me back to the apartment. When I got inside, I couldn't see from my glasses fogging up. I rubbed my hands together frantically and crawled back under my blankets. They felt warm comparatively.

***

My phone rang as I shut the door. "Hello?" I didn't have the number.

"Hello this is Daisy from Michelle's work. I got her number off her file here. She didn't come in to work today and she didn't call off. Do you know where she is?"

"Uh, no, but I can head over to her place to check on her before I get to work myself."

"Alright. Tell her to give me a call when she can."

If she didn't show up to work, and she didn't call in, what made this woman think she was going to do that? Still, I amused her. "Will do." I hung up and started through my numbers.

"Hey Jo, I'm going to be a bit late today. Something's going on with my mom."

"Yeah, take your time. No hurry, just get here before five."

"Will do." I hung up again and set out at a jog.

Knocking on my childhood door, I could only wait impatiently. The tree in the yard creaked and groaned as the snow was melting. The infrequent cars splashed it everywhere. Shivering, I turned around facing out towards the street, watching the cars drive by. Her car was in the driveway still, so she had to be here. Ma didn't walk that far.

I knocked again, but still I couldn't hear any movement inside. Picking out my phone from my pocket I saw the time before I called her number. No one answered.

Hopping off the porch, I trudged through the thick snow in my work pants until I came around to the fence. I couldn't pull it open from the snow on either side, but I could hop it, so I did, nearly falling flat on my face.

Coming around to the back door I tugged at the handle. It gave and I was in. I hung up. "Ma!" I called out looking around the dark living room.

I flicked on light switch as I toed off my shoes. The cold pants against my socks made me shiver. Another few light switches and I knew she wasn't downstairs. I pulled open the drapes tying them back like Dad would do.

"Ma!" I called again.

Plodding upstairs, my legs burned in anger at the stimulation, and I stopped to rub them at the top of the steps. "Ma!" I was getting frustrated now. Why wasn't she answering?

Going to her bedroom, I shivered to touch the handle. I hadn't dreamed with her last night. I hadn't dreamed at all. Frowning, I swallowed nervously and pushed open the door. "Ma, work called and they said you didn't call 'em to let them know you weren't coming in today." Peels of light filtered into the room. With the sun through the curtains, and the light from the hallway. I could see her laying on the bed. I flicked on the light switch and headed for the drapes.

"Ma, you're always telling me not to miss work and here you are sleeping on the job. What'd you do, take my sleeping meds? Come on, wake up."

My stomach churned as I turned back to the bed. She still hadn't moved. Her curly hair teased her eyelids as she lay on her side with her hands tucked beneath the pillow. Her wide hips and the way she lay beneath the brown sheets made her look like a bear. I rounded the bed, coming up behind her back and saw the thick dark brown bottle on the night stand. Frowning, I capped it and reached for her shoulder.

"Ma, it's the middle of the day. You know how to time the medication, what's going on?" I asked, more myself than her. She was out cold to the world. My cold hand didn't find warmth when it lay on her shoulder. Tears sprang from my eyes as I stepped back and fumbled for my phone.