Hello, Tay01! I'm here to rescue this chapter from the dreadful state of having no reviews thanks to the auspices of The YWS Cup II.
I haven't read any of the earlier parts as far as I can recall, so if I bring up something that was already addressed in an earlier chapter, feel free to disregard it.
The biggest issue with this is how you jump around between characters and events. Switching between characters is okay every once in a while, but switching often can be very confusing, especially if there's no transition between the scenes or character viewpoints.
Near the end of the chapter, there were no transitions, and you switched between Larry and Robin without warning, which was quite confusing. What I would recommend is spending a bit more time with each character and then switching scenes instead of trying to show what both characters are doing at the same time, at the same time. Stories don't have to be told in the exact order that the events occur, and it's something you can take advantage of to build suspense and make following events much easier.
Basically, I would suggest having the first half of the chapter be from Robin's point of view, up until he gets captured, then you can begin a new scene from Larry's point of view, as he begins searching for Robin. You could probably end the chapter there and move Johnny's reveal to the next chapter, or you could end Robin's point of view scene at Johnny's reveal.
In any case, keeping each characters' actions together in a single scene and then switching scenes makes it much less confusing for the readers.
Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220
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