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The Adventures of Robin Brawl: Chapter 5

by Tay01


Chapter 5: What a Shock!

The two boys left the shop. “So, are we off now?” Robin asked.

“Shut up,” Larry prompted. “Don’t make me hit you! This is the worst nightmare ever.”

“Well, we could see if we could find anybody that knows English. But is that even possible?” A sudden thought came to Robin’s mind.

“I know! We could simply look at the notes currency.” Robin grabbed Larry’s hand. He then dragged Larry to the previous shopkeeper.

“Are you sure this will work?” Larry questioned Robin. He pulled his hand back.

“Well of course, silly!” Robin boasted. “I have a lot of knowledge about nearly thirty-six different currencies.”

Larry shrugged. He hated to hear Robin’s stupid story-telling and boasting.

“So you see, there is a good chance that we might be able to find out where we are! I even told my father about…”

“Shut up!” Larry said at last. “Let’s just go.”

“Alright.” Robin dragged his heels slowly. Although he knew all about currencies, he did not have any confidence to speak to the shopkeeper. Plus, he did not know where to start. He could not just ask for the shopkeeper’s money, because that will make him look like a thief. And he wanted to end up on an adventure. Not at prison. So, he ran back to the beach where they left their boat. The beach was still clear.

And for Larry? Well he was too busy looking at the antique clocks that he totally forgotten about Robin, the shopkeeper and the country that they were in.

Back to Robin at the beach, he lay down in the boat. He begin picturing himself on a mountain alone, without Larry.

He pictured him climbing up the cold steep mountain. He pictured himself escaping from a polar bear. He pictured himself breaking ice and collecting them to build an igloo. He set up a fire. He ate fats of whales. He drank the coldest water he had ever drank in his life.

“If only this was real…” Robin said in his heart. “I wonder what’s next.”

He then closed his eyes and started imagining again. But this time, he was on a stranded island. He made a small fortress, he killed deers and wore goat skin as clothes.

Suddenly, someone covered his mouth and pulled him away!

(Not part of the imagination)

“Robin! Robin! Where are you?” Larry yelled. He could not find his buddy anywhere. “Probably he’s at the boat, back at the beach.”

Larry ran to the boat. No sign of Robin. Then where was he?

Robin felt the ground move. Then he heard the sound of iron bars clashing. Then, a key locking a padlock.

What’s all this?” Robin wondered. He opened his eyes and found himself…

IN A CAGE!

A person squatted in front of him. The person was masked.

“Get me out of here, or I will kill you!” Robin demanded.

“Oh no, you won’t!” said the masked man. He was about the age of Robin and he was quite short to be a man. So it was a boy in front of him!

“Who are you? I command you to let me out!” Robin said, angrily.

“Haha! I’d like to see you try.” The masked boy took off his mask and WHAT A SHOCK!

This was no ordinary kidnapper or boy! It was Johnny!


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Thu Mar 12, 2015 4:32 am
Kale wrote a review...



Hello, Tay01! I'm here to rescue this chapter from the dreadful state of having no reviews thanks to the auspices of The YWS Cup II.

I haven't read any of the earlier parts as far as I can recall, so if I bring up something that was already addressed in an earlier chapter, feel free to disregard it.

The biggest issue with this is how you jump around between characters and events. Switching between characters is okay every once in a while, but switching often can be very confusing, especially if there's no transition between the scenes or character viewpoints.

Near the end of the chapter, there were no transitions, and you switched between Larry and Robin without warning, which was quite confusing. What I would recommend is spending a bit more time with each character and then switching scenes instead of trying to show what both characters are doing at the same time, at the same time. Stories don't have to be told in the exact order that the events occur, and it's something you can take advantage of to build suspense and make following events much easier.

Basically, I would suggest having the first half of the chapter be from Robin's point of view, up until he gets captured, then you can begin a new scene from Larry's point of view, as he begins searching for Robin. You could probably end the chapter there and move Johnny's reveal to the next chapter, or you could end Robin's point of view scene at Johnny's reveal.

In any case, keeping each characters' actions together in a single scene and then switching scenes makes it much less confusing for the readers.




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Mon Mar 09, 2015 8:03 pm
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TheGirlNextDoor wrote a review...



Great dialogue. Each of your characters have their own unique voice that really come across well when reading. At the same time, all your chapter seems to be is dialogue. Your writing could really benefit from some descriptors, of both the characters and the setting. Some additional action could also give your chapter that extra little "pizzazz" and spice. Also, try to limit how often you use exclamation points. Overuse of them takes the excitement out of your writing.
Overall, I think you have a great start here and can't wait to see what your produce next in "The Adventures of Robin Brawl". :)





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