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Angel tears- Chapter 2

by EPICnumber1

Hi book, I've been dreading today; Monday. The thought hurts like when dad broke my arm. You better be glad you're only a book and not a fifteen year old girl with my kind of problems. I'd give anything to be...Normal. Write later. 

Gemma Rose Fisherman.

My black bag hangs from my shoulder and is thumping on my hip. I smooth down my skirt that seems to blowing up in the soft breeze. I smooth my hand over my hair which is tied back in a messy ponytail but some rebellious strands of chocolate brown hair seem to be dancing round my face. My new school shoes click on the concrete path like someone clicking their fingers to a beat. Clip, clop, clip, clop. 

My adrenaline fuelled heart beats effortlessly against my pounding chest and a tingling feeling is sitting in the pit of my stomach. The school is a few streets away from the apartment block so I have to trudge alone. Suddenly I hear a shout.

"Hey you, come here" I swivel my head round to put a face to the voice but no one's there just a dark alley between two old looking houses that looks like their sick of their existence and would just collapse in on them selves. I know the voice that's just behind the wall of darkness and I know from school talks and mother to daughter talks that I should ignore the voice and just walk on but curiosity tells me otherwise. "Fisherman?" That's it I'm going to school this voice knows my name, but something breaks in me when I hear the soft tone laced with confusion. The femininity in that tone tells me that its a girl about the same age as me. One name pops into my mind along with the maze of thoughts surging through my mind like an angry storm. Kali. I know it's her, very few people know my name. 

"Kali?" I whisper. A silhouette steps out form the shadows and I am greeted by my friend again. Her glossy blonde hair bounces around her shoulders and her black boots thud against the concrete.

"Hello Fishy" She says as that was my nickname back in bath: Fishy. Her thick accent reminds me of that house, the biggest one yet.

"So what brings you to London?" I ask casually.

"Well, my family moved because there was a terrorist attack back at home and then I got kicked out of school so my mom thinks we should make 'a new start' in the big city so here I am, here to annoy you for all eternity...again" I realise she is drinking a coke from the McDonalds down the street and has started slurping noisily trying to get the remains of her drink out. She must have seen me looking because she then says. "It's a diet coke not a normal coke" She has started thumping the straw loudly on the bottom of her cup.

"Huh?" I ask suddenly looking up with a guilty expression pinned to my face.

"Nothing" she mutters and turns round to head back in to the alley. "Well aren't you coming?" She asks when I just stand there and stare.


"Follow me" I don't know if it was curiosity or fear but I followed her, self conscious that I was late for school. "Let me introduce you to the gang" She said with a smile on her face.

"Look I am really surprised to see you can't we just sit and talk and catch up?" I ask in a whisper.

"No, not much has changed since Bath" We both went silent after that. We carried on walking at a steady pace until we came out in a clearing. It was cloaked in overgrown grass with patches of mud and dog mess, there was a short fence that lined it and loads of discarded wrappers. The whole place looked abandoned and alone and the patches of mud suddenly looked like the scars that decorate my neck, chest and hands. This clearing was like me. There were four others altogether (Not counting the stray dogs) two of them were playing a thumb war over a pile of bricks and another was judging, the fourth was a young man about my age sitting on a rock sharpening a branch with a knife. When I walked in, everyone looked up from what they were doing except for the boy at the far end of the clearing who just glanced up and then carried on with his cutting.

"Kali, who's that?" The judge of the thumb war asked.

"This is Gemma, she' old friend of mine"

"I call dibs". One of the thumb war players shouted.

"You can't call dibs! I saw her first" The other said

"This is like Ruby Lewis all over again" The judge shouted.

"Ruby Lewis is so fit" The other player mumbled.

I could feel Kali's eyes roll sarcastically behind me

"Saw that Hale" Another player shouted to Kali.

"Shut up Malcom lets have another game and the winner gets the chic" The judge shouted. Blood suddenly rushed to my cheeks and my fists were now clenched. Anger was blooming inside of me as it took root. Impatience tickled the back of my neck

"Shut up! I am a living human being with feelings and emotions not just some money you can bet on!" I shouted and even the traffic seemed to die down.  I guess I have been wanting to let off a little steam from the move here. Sudden silence. I noticed the boy in the far side of the clearing has even looked up with a sly grin on his face.

"Well Gem!" Kali's face has lit up, Looks like nothing much happens round here then.

"Sorry I mutter"

"Whatever, let me introduce everyone then" And her face falls back into it's usual line. But lights up again as if she were enjoying this. "That's Malcom and Saleem" She said pointing at the two thumb war players. Saleem was an Indian boy about my age he had short black hair and dark skin, he had cheek bones that seriously didn't match the rest of his face. Malcom was a blonde and towered over Saleem but you couldn't really tell from that angle because he had his back hunched over.

"...and that's Christian" pointing at the judge who was really short with ginger hair and his nose seemed to curl up at the end like curled ribbon. "Over there's Blake but I wouldn't expect much of him"  Blake had long black hair and was fairly tall and unlike the others his face had no flaws except for maybe that permanent scowl that seems to dominate his face.

I sat down next to Christian and silently watched the thumb war and Malcom and Saleem shouting at each other. I looked at my watch: ten past nine. I'd been here for almost an hour, I was late for school, who must be calling my mom but the pang in my stomach when I usually do something wrong wasn't there so I just forgot about it.

"So, Christian..." I said after the empty silence but he interrupted.

"Shut up I'm trying to concentrate, SALEEM YOU CANNOT, AND I REPEAT CANNOT, USE YOUR OTHER HAND!" I give up, I wander back over to Kali, who was checking her Facebook page on her phone. Her soft velvet like blonde hair was shimmering around her shoulders.

"Hey" I said.

"Blake" She spat the word like he was poison in her mouth. "He is such an idiot, who the hell puts where the alley is on Facebook, we're going to have to move" She mumbled. "Blake get over here!" She shouted to the boy who was still sitting on the ledge. Blake stood up and stomped over to us like a moody eight year old. He obviously didn't like being disturbed.

"What!" He asked in disgust. Kali just shoved her phone in his face.  Blake's facial expression suddenly had a dramatic change; from the usual thin line set on his lips it's gone to a guilty, forced smile.  He just starred at it for a while like he forgot what he wrote and he wanted to check it. "Oh that, that's for the girl" He said with a smirk dancing across his face.

"What girl?" Kali asked with anger laced in her voice.

"That girl" He said with his thumb pointed to his left. To me.

"Me?" I asked with confusion.

"Well now we have to move location or the cops will be on us because if you didn't notice this is PRIVITE PROPERTY!" She shouted in his face.

"Well I don't care, just one more 'incident' wouldn't make my case any better, I don't care if I go to bloomin' prison"

"Don't make us pity your pathetic life Blake" Kali said. "I don't care what you got in to when you were a kid or whatever just get us out of this mess!" She shouted again before turning back to her phone. I watch Blake stride over to his ledge and pick the branch back up and carry on sharpening it. Suddenly my legs were moving as if they didn't belong to me. They were carrying me to him, I willed them to stop but they wouldn't. Before I knew it I was looming above him, casting a dark shadow on his face. He sighed as soon he knew I was there. When he looked up I noticed his eyes were a dark shade of chocolate brown and his wispy long dark hair curled around his chin which was broad while his lips formed a pink line in the middle of his face. A ring of metal pierced his bottom lip and another through his nose, I noticed he took his jet black jacket off, probably because of the blazing sun that seems to be hotter now than it was before. I glanced at his arms; they were decorated with black ink and not a single patch of his pink skin was showing at all.

"What?" He said after the awkward silence I created.

"Mind if I sit?" I asked.

"Whatever" He replied and carried on skimming his knife over the wooden branch which made a sickening screech like someone dragging their nails across a black board.

"Why did you put that thing on Facebook?" I ask after an awkward silence. However another awkward silence followed when he didn't stop sharpening the branch even though it looked as though you could kill someone by touching the point that Blake had created.

"Cause you're pretty and I don't like pretty girls who are dumb" He muttered. I don't know what was more surprising that he actually spoke or that he told me I'm pretty. I gasped.

"You're kidding right?" I shouted. Not knowing what else to say. "You've just met me"

"I tell loads of girls they're pretty, so what?" He muttered with a squeaky voice and something seemed to have broke inside. He didn't reply though he just kept starring at the dark green grass that was curling round his ankles.

I wander back over to Kali, leaving Blake to his deadly weapons. She was standing on the overgrown grass and checking her phone again.

"Alright it's official, thanks to that freak over there we are going to have to move" She said.

"Hello to you too" I said with a smirk. All I got for a reply was a weird look from her.

"Whatever, lets go" As if on queue, you could faintly hear police sirens and car engines that seemed just on the entrance to the alley. I panicked. I've heard loads of police sirens before and I've been questioned, mom was questioned and even ten year old Joey was questioned... about my dad. The police have never been after me, so I panicked, I ran, I leapt over the fence like a force was propelling me forwards and all I could hear were Blake's pounding feet threatening to catch me up but I knew he couldn't. I just kept running and running from anything that reminded me of my dad... and Joey.

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416 Reviews

Points: 11899
Reviews: 416

Mon Feb 16, 2015 6:46 pm
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Nate wrote a review...

I really, really like the bit about Kali drinking a diet coke. In just a few lines, you managed to convey a lot about the scene and about Kali's character. For one, she has a body image problem as she feels the need to quickly correct Gemma about what she's drinking ("It's a diet coke not a normal coke"). Yet at the same time, she tries to act as if she doesn't care what people think -- an action that's conveyed by how she slurps her diet coke at the end. So she comes off as someone who plays tough but is struggling with some issues. It's a really well done bit of character development.

The rest of the characters though seesaw back and forth. Geema goes from seeming shy to seeming like she has an anger management problem when she yells, "Shut up! I am a living human being with feelings and emotions not just some money you can bet on!". This is the first thing she says to the new group of people, and it's a far cry from the girl whose heart was pounding just a few moments earlier because she had to walk just a few blocks to school.

Then there's Blake who goes from seeming confident ('"Oh that, that's for the girl" He said with a smirk dancing across his face.') to coming off as intensely shy ('He muttered with a squeaky voice and something seemed to have broke inside.'). One moment he's a fairly confident teenage boy, and then in the next he's a dark, brooding teenager more comfortable with sharpening weapons than talking to people.

Overall, you have some nice characterization bits, and some bits that need improvement. That's perfectly okay, and I think you're on the right track here. What I'd suggest doing next is writing up some outlines for each of your characters just so that you have a better grasp of what they're like. A character outline is like a bio, and it can include stuff like their favorite food, favorite color, most hated band, what they normally dress like, what movies they watch, etc.

After you come up with your character outlines, I think you'll have a better grasp of how each character would react in any given situation. Always remember, let the character write themselves -- you're just controlling what happens to them.

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25 Reviews

Points: 502
Reviews: 25

Sat Feb 07, 2015 9:54 pm
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Shadowolf765 wrote a review...

Shadowolf here :D

This is a very interesting story you have here, so lets get right into it.

"My adrenaline fuelled heart beats effortlessly against my pounding chest" I would have to suggest that either you remove the word pounding, or reword the entire sentence. Such as [My adrenaline fueled heart beat effortlessly inside of my chest.] or something like that anyways.

Also, I noted that you like to add 's' on the end of your words in areas that it doesn't fit such as in the third paragraph "looks".

"Her thick accent reminds me of that house, the biggest one yet." This sentence confused me as I couldn't figure out what you were trying to say or compare her accent too.

"No, not much has changed since Bath" This would do to have a bit more explaining. I am someone who think of a bathtub when you mention a place called bath.

" "Shut up! I am a living human being with feelings and emotions not just some money you can bet on!" I shouted" This sudden outburst of anger has no precursor to it while the boys fight over her, and feels out of place. Adding somewhere before this outburst a sign of emotion such as burning checks, clenching fists, even simply 'the anger tickled the back of my mind at there possessive banter' or something simpler

"Sorry I mutter" The quotation needs to be moved. Other than this I have to say congrats on your story. It hints and whispers of an amazing story, now its just up to you to flesh it out a little more and make it come to life. You had plenty of great moments of detail such as "He didn't reply though he just kept starring at the dark green grass that was curling round his ankles." This story has a little bit of work needed to it. But I do hope you continue, the ending was great if a little off. Great work and I do hope that your keep on keeping on :D

Seeing is believing, but feeling is the truth.
— Thomas Fuller