Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well, this is off to quite a start here...things certainly showcasing a lot of complex relationships here between the characters in here and there certainly appears to be something happening here under the surface...well it definitely got my attention here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

I sat by the window of my tiny apartment, staring out into the outside world like I always do. Cars zoomed by. People walked up and down the streets. Children played on the sidewalk with chalk. I never understood why it always transfixed me, but it did. The door cracked open and my sister, Lanna walked into the room. A small needle was in her hand.

"Z, it's time for your medicine." She informed me. I got up and took the needle from her. I injected the liquid into my arm feeling a slight sensation when I did.

"Thanks Lanna." I said quietly, handing the needle back to her. She looked at me with a worried expression.

"Are you alright?" She questioned, resting her hand on my cheek.

"Yeah, I'm fine…" I replied. Suddenly, I heard the front door burst open.

"Yo Lanny! I'm home!" A familiar jerky voice barked. Lanna sighed and walked into the living room, as did I. That right there, was my sister's boyfriend Daniel. The thirty-year-old tattooed man flopped down on the couch and put his feet up on the coffee table.

"Hey Danny! How was work?" Lanna chirped, with a endearing smile on her face.

"Get me a beer." He demanded, in a cold almost soul-less tone. She was almost shocked by the answer but still kept a smile on her face.

"Oh… alright." She walked into the kitchen and opened the freezer. "Oh no… Sorry Danny, we don't have-" She was interrupted by the stomping of feet. Daniel charged into the room and picked her up by her collar.

"THEN GO AND GET ME SOME!!!!" He boomed, throwing her onto the floor. This got me enraged, but, she looked over at me and shook her head.

"Okay then. Z, stay in your room till I'm gone." She directed me. I scoffed but did as told. Lanna quickly scurried out the doorway and down the street.

Hi!
I always suck at thesis sentences, etc, so i'm just going to dive right in, k? k.
You (the narrator) describes people walking down the street, children playing, but you don't really tell...how they do it. I mean, it's not like they ALL play/walk the same way, but it would be nice to have a little bit of description.
whenever there is a completely new train of thought, remember to skip a line.
like this.
You use a lot of noisy tag lines that DO NOT need to be there. For example, you say, "get me a beer," he demanded'. I know from the dialogue that he was demanding it, so the tag, 'demanded' is completely pointless. earlier in the story, Z 'thank[s] Lanna quietly,' And I don't think 'quietly' was the right word, because you say that Lanna looks worried at the quietness, even though it seems that Z is a more soft-spoken, contemplative person as it is, what with the staring out windows at people.
You often don't need tags at all. 'said' works fine unless something needs to be explained. For example, if a kid runs into a room where everybody is talking, and he SHOUTS that they're being attacked, or whatever, than it's okay, because you wouldn't know he was shouting without the tag.
I like your setting, but I want to see more of it than that it was 'tiny'.
Daniel's rage is a little uncalled for. ok, a lot uncalled for. just because he is drunk and has anger issues doesn't mean he's a complete asshole - I mean, would Lanna date him if he was a complete, utter monster?

ok, that's all I can say about this now. Happy writing! Persevere! chop-chop! GO!
~Satira

Hey there! Here are just some of my thoughts.
I am intrigued first most. I am asking myself a lot of questions in regards to who the characters are, the world they live in and the plot. I want to know what is going on.
This is probably also to do with the shortness of the chapter which had a abrupt ending.
I suggest extending the scene with the two sisters (is the main character a girl?) so that we get to know them more at first. I think you skipped over something that could add value to the chapter.
You already had me rooting for the protagonist and her sister, and loathing this Daniel bloke. That is great because you are getting a emotional response from your reader already in such a short space. I liked how she took care of the main character.
I think if you go through it again you will find some simple mistakes to edit. Like how there is nothing wrong with just writing s/he said.

Yo Lanny! I'm home!" A familiar jerky voice barked. Lanna sighed and walked into the living room, as did I. That right there, was my sister's boyfriend Daniel. The thirty-year-old tattooed man flopped down on the couch and put his feet up on the coffee table.

I think you should take out 'jerky' because instead of telling us he is, you have already showed us that further down in the paragraph with his behaviour.

Instead of writing that Lanna went into the living room, and "as did I", you can write something like, I followed behind.
The sentence "That right there..." should come after you have described who you are referring to.

Overall this is a good start. I really liked it actually. Keep writing!

Hi, steampowered here for a review!

I’m not sure if this chapter is finished or not but it seemed to end a little abruptly, with Lanna leaving the apartment. It could be rounded off more smoothly by having some kind of tension – perhaps by making something of the fact that Z and Daniel have been left alone in the apartment together and they clearly hate one another?

I was intrigued by the fact that the main character is obviously ill in some way, it’s added a bit of mystery as well as given them a weakness. The only fault I’ve found with the character is that I can’t tell whether they’re male or female – maybe you could give the reader some kind of clue?

One of the errors I noticed is that you tend to treat the dialogue and the “he said” “she said” etc. as separate sentences. For example:

“Z, it’s time for your medicine.” She informed me.

As the “she informed me” is a continuation of the dialogue, it should be written like this:

“Z, it’s time for your medicine,” she informed me.

Another thing I noticed was the slight overload of description in this paragraph:

That right there, was my sister's boyfriend Daniel. The thirty-year-old tattooed man flopped down on the couch and put his feet up on the coffee table.

Do you need to say he’s thirty years old AND tattooed in that one introductory sentence? Would it be better to make some reference to his tattoos later on? I also don’t think it’s really necessary to say he’s thirty years old; unless you wanted to mention it more subtly in one of the character’s dialogue I would probably leave it out. You don’t even necessarily need to mention the fact that Daniel is Lanna’s boyfriend; you could make it obvious through the way they interact. Perhaps Lanna has an affectionate name for him?

Another point: would the beer be in the freezer? Wouldn’t it be more likely to be stored in the refrigerator?

“Soul-less” could also be changed to “soulless”

“THEN GO AND GET ME SOME!!!!” The capitalisation, the bold font and the multiple exclamation marks all feel a bit unnecessary. The bold font probably wouldn’t be used in a published book, and you don’t need to have so many exclamation marks to convey the idea that he’s angry, and shouting. Just one exclamation mark while leaving the text in all caps would have as much impact, without drawing the reader’s attention away from the rest of the story.

“I scoffed but did as told.” Maybe it would be better if it was “did as I WAS told?” The original sentence isn’t actually incorrect, but the added “I was” makes it read more smoothly.

Apart from that I found it an interesting opening, particularly with Z’s illness. The chapter was a little shorter than I was expecting, but it was a manageable length to read and review and helped me go into more detail. I’m not completely sure where the story’s going, but hopefully all will soon be revealed! Thanks for uploading!