…
I’m still reeling from the shock. I’ll be with you as soon as I’ve recovered.
…
Salutations.
Wow, Charizard, that was… well, no adjective could do this chapter justice. I regret taking so long before finally getting to this, since it is, without a doubt, the best, most outstanding, absolutely superlative thing you have ever written! In fact, if I had to compare it with other plot twists I have read, I would compare it with these: Temeraire’s discovery that he was not a Chinese Imperial, as previously believed, but a Celestial, and the Seal Mage’s confession that he is Torak’s uncle.
These are each events out of books from my seven favourite series – in this case, the Temeraire Quintet and the Chronicles of Ancient Darkness – but many have not read them, so allow me to explain. A Celestial is the most powerful dragon in the world, not only because of its great size and ability to hover in midair, but also because of its capability to bring forth the Divine Wind – a roar so powerful, cliff sides crumble before it. The Seal Mage’s confession to being Torak’s uncle would not have been an immense shock was it not for two things: one, he was a Soul Eater, one of the seven most powerful and most feared mages alive, and two, he made his confession while he was preparing to rip his nephew’s heart out and eat it, all so he could absorb his power.
I think those examples illustrate exactly how much I think of your work. I shall get back to the plot twist later, as this is still a review, and reviews should discuss more than just the conclusion.
My Legend:
Red – correction
Orange – suggestion
Green – addition
Blue – removal
I had too much on my mind to add the idea of walking to the mix.
I understand you had meant Char was too preoccupied to walk with Sapphire and Co. to the castle, but the way you said it makes the sentence awkward. I suggest rewriting it so the sentence is a little clearer.
I had felt a slew of mixed emotions since the moment Blaze’s soft lips had pecked my cheek, all the way to the present.
Buggie was right, you have been extending your vocabulary; while my dictionary says “slew” is an informal noun, I don’t care, since it’s perfectly adequate in the context. That last word though… “now” and “this” are two words that don’t belong in the past tense, which further means it has no place outside dialogue. Hence my suggested replacement.
I hadn’t the foggiest idea why she would even have thought of kissing me.
Incorrect word order.
If anything, I was rude when she had accidentally tripped over me.
The past perfect tense should be used here; he wasn’t the rude the moment she tripped over him, he was rude because of it.
“You must be Char,” she said.
No! Full stops aren’t allowed to be in front of any “he said/she asked/it yelled” appendages.
“Yes?” I didn’t intend to make it a question, it had simply taken the form of one in my mouth.
In this case, a question would be perfectly understandable. If somebody said, “You must be Hunter,” then answering, “Yes?” would indicate that I confirmed their statement, but I am also enquiring as to why they made it.
At this, she beckoned with a wave of her hand for me to follow.
Circumlotion. You can paraphrase this sentence by simply removing the blue words, as one can only beckon with the hands or head.
We climbed two floors and proceeded through numerous hallways, until we finally stopped at a small wooden door.
When somebody tells me they are going travelling, it would make sense if they moved from one side of the country to the other, not a house, or even a castle (though some castles are so large, it could well feel like travelling). Simple saying they “walked” through the numerous hallways would have been enough, but I sense you wanted something different, so I suggested “proceeded.” Also, the comma is unnecessary.
Expecting a cold stone floor when I walked in, I was quite surprised to find a room entirely crafted from oak wood on the other side.
Paraphrasis, once again.
“I’m glad you like it.”
If the Gardevoir is a servant, why would [i]she be glad Char liked the renovation? I have nothing against servants, but they generally don’t care whether a guest/their masters like something, as long as they are satisfied. Still, I would have expected the servant to say, “He’ll be glad you like it.” After all, it was the king who ordered the renovation.
I was about to decline, when my stomach gave off a loud growl.
“Refuse” has a negative connotation, like refusing to obey someone, or refusing to surrender. I don’t think it’s ever respectful either, so “decline” would be a more suitable verb.
The Gardevoir smiled at me and closed the door.
Had there been someone else in the room, the blue text would have been necessary. Had she been smiling at herself, you would have said as much, so it is redundant.
How far each handle is turned will determine the temperature of the water.
While “however” has been used correctly here, I normally only use it as a conjunction, which is I recommend the change. However, you can still keep it the way it is. (Pun intended.)
However, I calmed down when I dipped my finger in and felt its comforting warmth.
I shall only explain the difference between the malapropisms “its” and “it’s” once, but once should be enough. The latter, “it’s” is the one you used. What confuses people is the apostrophe. They believe that the apostrophe and the following s indicates possession, which it does, but when used next to a noun. Look at the pronouns: he – his, she – her, it – its. As you can see, the former is the one you should use. “It’s” is a contraction meaning “it is.”
I made sure to drape my tail over the rim so as to not extinguish it.
Here, you have two choices: one, you can keep the “so as” and place the “to” after the “not,” or two, you can remove the “so as” completely and keep the “to” where it is. However, leaving it as it currently is, is incorrect.
I relaxed and let the heat spread through my body.
Is “invade” ever a positive verb?
I closed my eyes and lay there until I heard a knock on the door.
Oh no, not that one again. *rubs temples* (Relax, it’s a common error – my reaction is because of the time it takes to explain it.) Oh well, here goes (you might want to get something to drink and eat before you start reading this):
If you’re wondering why I had not simply corrected you, then I must refer you to the old idiom of catching a person’s fish for them, as opposed to teaching them to fish on their own.
A Charmander rose from their seat to sit beside me. It was only when their face was level with mine that I recognized them.
There weren’t that many Charmanders around, the last time I checked.
Laughing, I replied, “I noticed.”
In my native language, we place a colon before the dialogue. In English, however, we use a comma.
“I hope you're enjoying tonight’s fire, but before we continue with our conversations, it’s time once again for our bonfire stories.”
I’ll be reminding you of this statement later in my review.
“Char, but I don’t really do stories.”
If you use the preposition “and,” it makes Char seem sarcastic and rude. “But” sounds like him making an excuse, which is exactly what he was doing.
Jumping up, she immediately dived into her tale, which she had obviously been preparing specifically for that night.
As far as I know, “tonight” refers to the night of this day in the present, so unless theirs is a parallel universe where the events in this story are currently playing out, it needs to be corrected.
“Emburn was, as many of you may know, one of the greatest criminals to ever curse our world. Many underestimated him, as his cute Charmander form and fragile little tail did not deliver the impression that he was a criminal. But as we know today, evolution is not everything. Don’t judge a book by its cover they say. In this case, they did. And they judged wrong. While little is known about this Pokémon’s past, his crimes will forever be burned into the memories of many generations of Pokémon to come.
A master thief and pickpocket, Emburn travelled around the regions with his band of criminals, pulling off massive heists and leaving no trace behind. He was practically a ghost, striking in the dead of night and escaping before anyone could figure out what had happened. Some of his crimes included massive robberies of human stores and raids on human restaurants. However, telling his tale like that doesn’t do it justice, because there were thousands of criminals that did the same thing. No, what truly set Emburn apart from the rest of those do-badders was his famed Clean Sweep manoeuvre.
“Unlike any other past Pokémon, Emburn and his squad were able to rob entire stores and restaurants clean. They left nothing in their wake. Emptying entire shelves of goods, registers of cash and pantries of food. When they were finished, there would be nothing left. Nobody knew who he was under his black suit, except for his fellow thieves. They were the only ones that knew Emburn’s true face. However, his success didn’t last forever. One day, he came up with his so-called “ultimate plan”.
“He and his gang would enter a mine shaft, and steal the largest diamonds they could find. The plan may have worked, had it not been for Emburn’s oversized ego. Being a criminal of his magnitude, he predicted that his gang could enter the mineshaft when it was full of humans, pull of the heist, and get out unscathed. How wrong he was. Though no one knows exactly what happened, it is widely believed that Emburn’s posse entered the mineshaft, and as soon as they began digging, the mine started to crumble. The humans evacuated while the Pokémon continued to dig. In his greed, Emburn forgot to keep his partners safe, and the mine soon collapsed on all of them. And so it was the end of Emburn’s reign of terror. Or was it?
“While the bodies of his fellow Pokémon were found, Emburn’s corpse was never recovered from the wreckage. Many believe that Emburn died that day, but not me. I believe he’s still alive somewhere, waiting to strike, and make his name a poison to all once more.”
Buggie had mentioned that one did not necessarily have to keep all of a character’s dialogue in the same paragraph. This is an extremely useful technique, especially with stories or revelations, since it improves the flow of the text, and it doesn’t look as overwhelming. Above, I have showed you how I would have separated the paragraphs. (I also indicated the errors.)
Emburn had not been the leader of the group, much contrary to the belief of others.
There really is no reason for the “much.”
Shade was a Zoroark, and a particularly nasty one.
But I like Zoroarks… In fact, I shall show you their other side. Not now – you’ll know when.
Emburn’s group could also have also escaped the trembling mine, if it hadn’t been for Shade’s greed.
The “also” should be placed earlier in the sentence.
Now I was receiving the wide eyes and equally wide mouths of the Pokémon around me.
You would be surprised how far italics can get you.
“I believe I’ve already told my story for the night,” I replied, “but if you must know, I’ve heard many tales about him in my life. Enough to piece together the truth about Emburn.”
Everyone seemed convinced. Everyone except Sapphire. She was stroking her chin, thoughtfully. Why didn’t she believe me?
For the same reason I never did. You don’t defend someone like that and have such detailed knowledge of their “demise.” Although, I had thought Emburn would be Char’s father.
“Well, I do believe that wraps up our fire for the night,” said the Chatot cheerily.
Again with a full stop! (Oh, and this is the part where I remind you of my earlier comment, about the Chatot saying the conversations can continue after the stories have been told.)
As I trodded, I noticed Sapphire watching me, penetrating through me with her penetrating, deep, purple eyes.
The description of Sapphire’s gaze needs a little improving, but how could you use a verb outright in the present tense? *is shocked*
A little ways away, the dark figure of a Pokémon observed the towering structure of Blast Castle.
If you were comparing the castle to a lone/ominous/resolute figure – or even called it a lone/ominous/resolute figure, thereby making it a metaphor – then “figure” would have been appropriate. Otherwise, you cannot call a structure a figure.
Smirking, the Pokémon muttered in a deep voice, “I’ve finally found you, E.”
And, at last, we reach the plot twist itself. This truly is ingenious, but, now that I have calmed down a little, I realise that you could have let it make an even larger shock. True, it would have been hard, since Shade is to play an essential role in the story, but if you think about it, plot twists and revelations made at the end of a story have a much greater impact than when they appear at the beginning or somewhere in the middle.
This is a phenomenal piece of literature (yes, your read right: I said literature), and it is something of which you can be extremely proud. The greatest Weavers of Fate are, in my opinion, Joanne Rowling and Brent Weeks, since the ends of the Harry Potter Series and Night Angel Trilogy were truly legendary, and while they may seem untouchable, one can still hope to one day become as great as they are.
“Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will,” someone once said. Therefore, you must always have faith. However, it certainly helps if others have faith in you as well. Thus, I say this: I have faith.
In you.
Points: 17344
Reviews: 293
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