z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Tale of a Charmander (A Pokemon Story) Chapter 5; The Bonfire

by Charizard821


The sun had long set before I returned to Blast Castle. It wasn't that it had taken a long time to get there, but I hadn't left the Beach until ten minutes after the others. I had too much on my mind to add the idea of walking to the mix.

Why did she...

It was hard to describe. I had felt a slew of mixed emotions since the moment Blaze's soft lips had pecked my cheek, all the way to now. Bubbly, nervous, confused and worried were just a few words that could describe what I was feeling. My biggest emotion, however, was confusion. I hadn't the foggiest idea why she would have even thought of kissing me. I hadn't tried to charm her or hinted at wanting to kiss. I hadn't done anything to merit affection.

If anything, I was rude when she accidentally tripped over me.

We hadn't even known each other for more than a couple minutes, and yet, I liked Blaze. I wasn't sure to what extent, but I knew I had feelings for her. Perhaps it was just friendship I was feeling, or was it something more? I tried to shoo all thoughts of Blaze from my head, but I wished I hadn't, for when I wasn't thinking of Blaze, I was thinking of Will.

What's his problem, anyways?

I had been quite friendly toward him, but he had mocked me and glared until his gaze had felt like knives stabbing through my heart for the fun of it. Again, confusion was what I felt.

I was rude to Blaze, so she kissed me. I was nice to Will, so he mocked me.

There was something wrong with that picture. And then, what Will had said before he left;

"Stay away from Sapphire, you pathetic salamander, or you'll wish you'd never found this place."

What did he mean by that? Did he think I was going to hurt her? Or did he think I was on some kind of date with her?

A new emotion hit me. Guilt. For some strange reason, I felt guilty that Blaze had kissed me while I was supposed to be spending time with Sapphire. The emotion became even more painful when I realized I had let it happen. I didn't understand where the emotion had originated from though, as Sapphire and I were only friends.

What if she finds out? What if-

My train of thought was cut short as I realized I had been standing in front of the castle door, looking at my feet for the past five minutes. I entered the foyer and was immediately met by a Gardevoir who appeared to be waiting for me.

"You must be Char." she said.

"Yes?" I didn't intend to make it a question, it had simply taken the form of one in my mouth.

"I was told to wait here for you by Princess Sapphire. She told me to wait for a Charmander with sand in his toes."

I looked down at my toes and frowned. Now that I wasn't on the Beach, the gritty sand was bothering me.

"The Princess asked me to tell you that, should you inquire, you may find her out in the Town Square, at the fire pit directly in front of the town clock."

"Yes, I know the one. Thank you."

"I was also instructed by the King to show you to your temporary room. If you would please follow me?"

At this, she beckoned with a wave of her hand for me to follow. We climbed two floors and travelled through numerous hallways, until we finally stopped at a small wooden door. Expecting a cold stone floor when I walked in, I was quite surprised to find a room entirely crafted from oak wood on the other side. The floor, the ceiling, the bedframe, all of it was wooden.

"As you can see, we've renovated the castle rooms," said the Gardevoir, "They were too cold for the King's liking, odd as that may sound, considering he is a water type."

"I think it was a great choice!" I said enthusiastically.

"I'm glad you like it. Just be sure not to set fire to anything with that tail of yours. Wood is flammable, you know."

"Yeah, of course." I replied, instinctively looking at my tail.

As she turned to leave the room, she told me;

"The King says you're free to come and go from the castle as you please. However, you must abide by anything he requests in return for allowing you to stay. Should the King wish for you to join him for dinner, for example, you must join him. You are not permitted to explore the castle without an escort. You are solely allowed to visit your room when not accompanied by a caretaker of the castle or member of the royal family. If there's anything you need or would like to know, ask any of the caretakers, including myself. It's our job to provide assistance to our patrons and keep the castle orderly. Speaking of which, can I get you anything? Perhaps something to eat?"

I was about to refuse, when my stomach gave off a loud growl.

"Um, if it's no trouble, some food would be nice." I said.

"It's no trouble at all. It will be with you in ten minutes or less. In the meantime, may I suggest you clean yourself up a bit? King Blastoise does not like to have his castle sandy."

My head tilted to look at my feet again.

"Yeah, sure."

The Gardevoir smiled at me and closed the door. I looked around the room. There was a nice human-sized bed against the left wall and a fireplace in the far right corner. On the wall was a small window that offered little view of anything but the forest.

I guess when Sapphire said the forest was dense, she also meant tall. Those trees are larger than the castle!

There was an adjoining room to the left of the entrance that served as a bathroom. I walked inside and saw a large rectangular bowl with a small hole in the floor, a tap and two handles just above the rim. On the wall behind it, there were instructions on how to use it.

"To use the bathtub," I read, "place the stopper in the drain, and turn the handles to pour water into the tub. However far each handle is turned will determine the temperature of the water."

I searched for the stopper and found a small circular cork that just covered the diameter of the hole. I then tentatively pulled the handle that said; "Hot". A stream of scalding water shot out of the tap so loudly and suddenly that I jumped back. It began to fill the tub with its steamy liquid. I felt my heart accelerate at the site of all that sudden water. However, I calmed down when I dipped my finger in and felt it's comforting warmth. When the tub had enough water in it, I turned the handle to cut the flow and lied down in the tub. I made sure to drape my tail over the rim so as to not extinguish it. I relaxed and let the heat invade my body. I closed my eyes and lied there until I heard a knock on the door.

"Yes?" I called.

"Your food, Mr. Char." answered the voice from the other side of the door.

I recognised it as the Gardevoir. I was about to tell her to set the food on the bed, when I realised I hadn't closed the door to the bathroom. Sure, maybe I never wore anything anyways, but it still felt wrong to allow a stranger to walk in and see me bathing.

Maybe Sapphire's got a point.

"Just a minute!" I yelled.

I immediately began to scrub myself. I washed all the dirt and sand away, drained the tub, and dried myself with a nearby towel. I then opened the door and took the food out of the Gardevoir's hands, thanking her for the meal. When I sat down on the bed to eat it, I realized that I was holding a platter of Oran Berries. I loved Oran Berries, therefore I had no trouble stuffing my face with them two at a time, until I was too full too eat anymore. Letting out a low belch, I rested the platter on my bed sheets.

I sat on the bed for a moment, pondering what to do next.

The Gardevoir told me Sapphire was out in the Town Square, enjoying a fire.

Seeing as it would give me an opportunity to spend more time with Sapphire, I rose to my feet, exited the room and left the castle.

Besides, it doesn't take much persuasion for me to agree to sitting by a fire. I smirked at the thought.

The path to the Town was dark and difficult to navigate. Even though I knew it was a straight path, it felt as if I were zigzagging back and forth on the concrete walk. My only points reference were the ominous outline of the castle behind me, and the warm, orange glow of the fire ahead. Stepping into the dim, fire-lit circle, I observed the Pokémon around me. There were many I didn't recognize, such as a Volbeat and a Pidove, but I spotted Sapphire in their midst, sitting on the opposite side of the fire. There were already Pokémon around her, so I sat on a stump a couple seats away from her. A Charmander rose from their seat to sit beside me. It was only when their face was level with mine that I recognized them.

"Hi, Char." said Blaze softly.

I smiled and offered a greeting. I was still confused about her sudden kiss, but I ignored it and focused on enjoying her company.

"Char?" a voice asked curiously from my right.

I turned my head to see a familiar Pidgeotto sitting beside me. It took me a moment to remember her name.

"Penny?" I asked in return.

"Hey, I haven't seen you since this morning!" she exclaimed. "Did you find Sapphire?"

"Yeah, I did. Thanks for your help, by the way."

"Oh, it was nothing. If anything, you helped me. My friends can be a little... loud."

Laughing, I replied: "I noticed. What were they fighting about, anyways?"

"Oh, we're just always having these little competitions in our group. It's sort of our code of friendship, so to speak. Anyways, Joey, the Doduo you saw today, had been talking about how he was going to be the speediest Pokémon in the world, and how he could already outrun a Luxray. My other friend, Ed, the Exeggutor you met, wanted him to put his money where his beak was. So, he made me race him. I won, and then the two started yelling back and forth about how it was an unfair race, how Joey would never be the fastest Pokémon in the world, and so on and so forth. I frankly didn't care what they were arguing about. All I saw were the other Pokémon in the Square looking at us. And then you came."

"So, where are they now?"

"Joey and Ed? They're probably in their habitats, sleeping right now. They don't really like the nightly bonfires as much as I do."

"I see." Feeling the conversation wearing thin, I silently watched the crackling fire.

Eventually, all the chatter died down until only a Chatot was left speaking.

"Hello again, everyone!" he chirped welcomingly, "I hope you're enjoying tonight's fire, but before we continue with our conversations, it's time once again for our bonfire stories."

"Bonfire stories?" I asked to no one in particular.

Blaze leaned in and whispered: "Yeah, it's a tradition here. Basically, if you want to sit at the fire, you have to tell a story. It doesn't have to be special, just something the others will enjoy."

"So, who would like to go first?" continued the Chatot. "Perhaps our new face?"

As I observed the fire, I noticed the others around me looking my way. He meant me.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Char, and I don't really do stories."

"What do you mean you don't do stories?" asked an Electrike, "If you don't tell a story, you can't sit at the fire!"

"Give him a break, Charge." said Sapphire from my left, "This is his first night here. Let him get his feet wet, and if he likes it here, he can tell a story tomorrow night."

Charge began grumbling about not having that luxury when he arrived at the fire for the first time, but Sapphire shot him a warning glance to silence him.

"I'll go first!" exclaimed an eager Skitty from across the circle.

Jumping up, she immediately dived into her tale, which she had obviously been preparing specifically for tonight. I didn't listen to it though. I simply watched the fire. I felt its warmth creep up and down my skin, as well as the warmth from Blaze's body.

Did she move closer to me?

Glancing left, I saw that she had indeed scooted to the edge of her stump to be nearer to me. I pretended not to notice, though I was smiling discreetly at the ground.

The stories went on as the fire burned brightly. One Pokémon told a tale of the three Legendary bird Pokémon, while another told a story of a family that reunited with their child after years of separation. When Blaze's turn came, she softly told an emotional love story of two Poochyena that huddled together to stay warm in the tundra of the north. None of the tales really caught my attention, until Charge the Electrike finally took his turn.

"My story," he began, "is a tale of a Pokémon that you may or may not know of. A real Pokémon, whose name shook fear into the hearts of many, and whose legacy will live on for a very long time. This Pokémon's name was Emburn."

My head snapped up at the sound of that name. The sudden movement had caused Blaze to jump, but I didn't even look at her. My attention was on Charge now.

"Emburn was, as many of you may know, one of the greatest criminals to ever curse our world. Many underestimated him, as his cute Charmander form and fragile little tail did not deliver the impression that he was a criminal. But as we know today, evolution is not everything. Don't judge a book by it's cover they say. In this case, they did. And they judged wrong. While little is known about this Pokémon's past, his crimes will forever be burned into the memories of many generations of Pokémon to come. A master thief and pickpocket, Emburn travelled around the regions with his band of crime committers, pulling off massive heists and leaving no trace behind. He was practically a ghost, striking in the dead of night and escaping before anyone could figure out what had happened. Some of his crimes included massive robberies of human stores and raids on human restaurants. However, telling his tale like that doesn't do it justice, because there were thousands of criminals that did the same thing. No, what truly set Emburn apart from the rest of those do-badders was his famed Clean Sweep manoeuvre. Unlike any other past Pokémon, Emburn and his squad were able to rob entire stores and restaurants clean. They left nothing in their wake. Emptying entire shelves of goods, registers of cash and pantries of food. When they were finished, there would be nothing left. Nobody knew who he was under his black suit, except for his fellow thieves. They were the only ones that knew Emburn's true face. However, Emburn's success didn't last forever. One day, he came up with his so-called "ultimate plan". Him and his gang would enter a mine shaft, and steal the largest diamonds they could find. The plan may have worked, had it not been for Emburn's oversized ego. Being a criminal of his magnitude, he predicted that his gang could enter the mine shaft when it was full of humans, pull of the heist, and get out unscathed. How wrong he was. Though no one knows exactly what happened, it is widely believed that Emburn's posse entered the mine shaft, and as soon as they began digging, the mine started to crumble. The humans evacuated while the Pokémon continued to dig. In his greed, Emburn forgot to keep his partners safe, and the mine soon collapsed on all of them. And so it was the end of Emburn's reign of terror. Or was it? While the bodies of his fellow Pokémon were found, Emburn's corpse was never recovered from the wreckage. Many believe that Emburn died that day, but not me. I believe he's still alive somewhere, waiting to strike, and make his name a poison to all once more."

Everyone at the fire was speechless. They were all staring at Charge wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Even Sapphire appeared to be stunned by his story. But not me.

"You're wrong." I stated, not too loudly, but just so that everyone could hear. Now all eyes were on me.

"Oh really, newbie?" spat Charge, "Then let's hear you tell the story, huh? Or do you still not "do" stories?"

"Fine." I agreed, "I will. Much of what you said is true, I'll give you that. Emburn was a terrible criminal. A master thief, feared by many, Pokémon and human alike. His dreaded Clean Sweep tactic was a skill that only he had perfected. He was a legend but for all the wrong reasons. Yes, you did tell the story adequately, but there are a few details that you overlooked. The day that the plan for the mine heist was made, it had indeed been Emburn's idea, but not for the reason you may think. He had constructed the idea on a promise. Emburn had not been the leader of the group, much contrary to the belief of others. The leader had been another Pokémon by the name of Shade. Shade was a Zoroark, and a particularly nasty one. He enjoyed stealing for the mere joy of seeing his victims' expressions of panic and fear after they realized what had been done. He was the kind of Pokémon who you would put nothing past, including murder. Emburn was not like that. He was a master thief, yes, but he was not cruel. He worked for the Zoroark, and it just so happens that the promise he made was one to this Shade. He had promised Shade a score beyond his wildest dreams, something that would make the Legendaries tremble before his skill and cunning. And so, he found the mine, rumoured to be so full of diamond, that it could single-handedly make anyone the richest man or 'Mon on Earth. His plan was to sneak past the humans, get as much diamond as possible and sneak out. It likely would have worked too, but unfortunately for him, the Excadrill of the team hit a support beam while digging, and the entire mine began to collapse. The humans were evacuated safely. Emburn's group could have also escaped the trembling mine, if it hadn't been for Shade's greed. Shade refused to leave until he had at least one large diamond, and because of the stubbornness of his team, they all stuck with him until the mine came down. All the bodies were later recovered, all except for one; Emburn's. And while you may believe he's alive, I certainly do not. That mine shaft would have crushed his tiny Charmander body until he was a pancake. He was probably mangled so badly by the wreck, that even if his body had been found, it would be unrecognizable today. That is, if anyone living today knew what he looked like. That, is the story of Emburn."

Now I was receiving the wide eyes and equally wide mouths of the Pokémon around me. Even Charge looked impressed.

"How do you know so much about that Emburn, Char?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.

"I believe I've already told my story for the night," I replied, "but if you must know, I've heard many tales about him in my life. Enough to piece together the truth about Emburn."

Everyone seemed convinced. Everyone except Sapphire. She was stroking her chin, thoughtfully. Why didn't she believe me?

"Well, I do believe that wraps up our fire for the night." said the Chatot cheerily. "Sapphire, if you will,"

Understanding what the Chatot was trying to say, she let loose a Water Gun on the fire, drenching the coals until the flame was no more.

"I will see you all tomorrow!" exclaimed the Chatot with a wave of his wing.

As the Pokémon got up to leave, I noticed everyone glance at me at least once. Even Blaze looked curious.

"You really are something, Char." she said on her way past. "I can't wait to talk to you again."

 "Yeah." I responded in agreement, and I began walking back to Blast Castle alone.

As I trod, I noticed Sapphire watching me, penetrating through me with her deep, purple eyes.

---

A little ways away, the dark figure of a Pokémon observed the towering figure of Blast Castle. Smirking, the Pokémon muttered in a deep voice: "I've finally found you, E."


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Tue Jan 06, 2015 2:43 pm
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BrumalHunter wrote a review...





I’m still reeling from the shock. I’ll be with you as soon as I’ve recovered.



Salutations.

Wow, Charizard, that was… well, no adjective could do this chapter justice. I regret taking so long before finally getting to this, since it is, without a doubt, the best, most outstanding, absolutely superlative thing you have ever written! In fact, if I had to compare it with other plot twists I have read, I would compare it with these: Temeraire’s discovery that he was not a Chinese Imperial, as previously believed, but a Celestial, and the Seal Mage’s confession that he is Torak’s uncle.

These are each events out of books from my seven favourite series – in this case, the Temeraire Quintet and the Chronicles of Ancient Darkness – but many have not read them, so allow me to explain. A Celestial is the most powerful dragon in the world, not only because of its great size and ability to hover in midair, but also because of its capability to bring forth the Divine Wind – a roar so powerful, cliff sides crumble before it. The Seal Mage’s confession to being Torak’s uncle would not have been an immense shock was it not for two things: one, he was a Soul Eater, one of the seven most powerful and most feared mages alive, and two, he made his confession while he was preparing to rip his nephew’s heart out and eat it, all so he could absorb his power.

I think those examples illustrate exactly how much I think of your work. I shall get back to the plot twist later, as this is still a review, and reviews should discuss more than just the conclusion.

My Legend:
Red – correction
Orange – suggestion
Green – addition
Blue – removal


I had too much on my mind to add the idea of walking to the mix.

I understand you had meant Char was too preoccupied to walk with Sapphire and Co. to the castle, but the way you said it makes the sentence awkward. I suggest rewriting it so the sentence is a little clearer.


I had felt a slew of mixed emotions since the moment Blaze’s soft lips had pecked my cheek, all the way to the present.

Buggie was right, you have been extending your vocabulary; while my dictionary says “slew” is an informal noun, I don’t care, since it’s perfectly adequate in the context. That last word though… “now” and “this” are two words that don’t belong in the past tense, which further means it has no place outside dialogue. Hence my suggested replacement.


I hadn’t the foggiest idea why she would even have thought of kissing me.

Incorrect word order.


If anything, I was rude when she had accidentally tripped over me.

The past perfect tense should be used here; he wasn’t the rude the moment she tripped over him, he was rude because of it.


“You must be Char,” she said.

No! Full stops aren’t allowed to be in front of any “he said/she asked/it yelled” appendages.


“Yes?” I didn’t intend to make it a question, it had simply taken the form of one in my mouth.

In this case, a question would be perfectly understandable. If somebody said, “You must be Hunter,” then answering, “Yes?” would indicate that I confirmed their statement, but I am also enquiring as to why they made it.


At this, she beckoned with a wave of her hand for me to follow.

Circumlotion. You can paraphrase this sentence by simply removing the blue words, as one can only beckon with the hands or head.


We climbed two floors and proceeded through numerous hallways, until we finally stopped at a small wooden door.

When somebody tells me they are going travelling, it would make sense if they moved from one side of the country to the other, not a house, or even a castle (though some castles are so large, it could well feel like travelling). Simple saying they “walked” through the numerous hallways would have been enough, but I sense you wanted something different, so I suggested “proceeded.” Also, the comma is unnecessary.


Expecting a cold stone floor when I walked in, I was quite surprised to find a room entirely crafted from oak wood on the other side.

Paraphrasis, once again.


“I’m glad you like it.”

If the Gardevoir is a servant, why would [i]she be glad Char liked the renovation? I have nothing against servants, but they generally don’t care whether a guest/their masters like something, as long as they are satisfied. Still, I would have expected the servant to say, “He’ll be glad you like it.” After all, it was the king who ordered the renovation.


I was about to decline, when my stomach gave off a loud growl.

“Refuse” has a negative connotation, like refusing to obey someone, or refusing to surrender. I don’t think it’s ever respectful either, so “decline” would be a more suitable verb.


The Gardevoir smiled at me and closed the door.

Had there been someone else in the room, the blue text would have been necessary. Had she been smiling at herself, you would have said as much, so it is redundant.


How far each handle is turned will determine the temperature of the water.

While “however” has been used correctly here, I normally only use it as a conjunction, which is I recommend the change. However, you can still keep it the way it is. (Pun intended.)


However, I calmed down when I dipped my finger in and felt its comforting warmth.

I shall only explain the difference between the malapropisms “its” and “it’s” once, but once should be enough. The latter, “it’s” is the one you used. What confuses people is the apostrophe. They believe that the apostrophe and the following s indicates possession, which it does, but when used next to a noun. Look at the pronouns: he – his, she – her, it – its. As you can see, the former is the one you should use. “It’s” is a contraction meaning “it is.”


I made sure to drape my tail over the rim so as to not extinguish it.

Here, you have two choices: one, you can keep the “so as” and place the “to” after the “not,” or two, you can remove the “so as” completely and keep the “to” where it is. However, leaving it as it currently is, is incorrect.


I relaxed and let the heat spread through my body.

Is “invade” ever a positive verb?


I closed my eyes and lay there until I heard a knock on the door.

Oh no, not that one again. *rubs temples* (Relax, it’s a common error – my reaction is because of the time it takes to explain it.) Oh well, here goes (you might want to get something to drink and eat before you start reading this):

Spoiler! :
Three words that often confuse people are “lie,” “lie” and “lay.”
~ The first “lie” is the verb that means “to be dishonest” or “to tell an untruth.”
~ The second “lie” is the verb that means “to rest” or “to recline.” (“Lie” is a homonym, so I could have swapped these two bullets, had I wanted to. However, “lie” is an intransitive verb in both cases, meaning it has no direct object.)
~ “Lay” is the verb that means “to place” or “to put.” It is a transitive verb, which means it does have a direct object.

Now, to illustrate the difference in how these three are used, I shall use each in a different sentence, but also in different tenses. These tenses will be in the same order for each of the verbs, i.e. present simple, past simple, future simple, present continuous, and present perfect. (For past perfect, you need simply exchange “have” for “had.”)

Lie – “to be dishonest”
~ I lie to get myself out of trouble. (He/she/it lies.)
~ I lied to get myself out of trouble yesterday.
~ I shall lie to get myself out of trouble tomorrow. (Remember, I shall, we shall, all the others will.)
~ I am lying to get myself out of trouble right now.
~ I have lied to get myself out of trouble for years.

Lie – “to rest”
~ I lie on the beach. (He/she/it lies.)
~ I lay on the beach yesterday.
~ I shall lie on the beach tomorrow.
~ I am lying on the beach right now.
~ I have lain on the beach for years.

Lay – “to place”
~ I lay my arm on the table. (He/she/it lays his/her/its arm on the table. <-- Notice the direct object.)
~ I laid my arm on the table yesterday.
~ I shall lay my arm on the table tomorrow.
~ I am laying my arm on the table right now.
~ I have laid my arm on the table for years.

There are many reasons why people use these words incorrectly, but there are two that especially confuse people:
1. The past tense form of “lie” (“to rest”) is “lay,” which is spelled the same as “lay” (“to place”).
2. The past participles of “lie” (“to rest”) and “lay” (“to place”) – “lain” and “laid,” respectively – are very similar, and “lain” is an uncommon word to boot.

This is the shortened explanation of the difference between “lie” and “lay,” but you are more than welcome to look it up yourself, as there are various helpful articles on the topic. Nevertheless, I hope you can use this summary to discover exactly what is causing your misunderstanding. Feel free to copy and paste this elsewhere, should you feel the desire to do so.


If you’re wondering why I had not simply corrected you, then I must refer you to the old idiom of catching a person’s fish for them, as opposed to teaching them to fish on their own.


A Charmander rose from their seat to sit beside me. It was only when their face was level with mine that I recognized them.

There weren’t that many Charmanders around, the last time I checked.


Laughing, I replied, “I noticed.”

In my native language, we place a colon before the dialogue. In English, however, we use a comma.


“I hope you're enjoying tonight’s fire, but before we continue with our conversations, it’s time once again for our bonfire stories.”

I’ll be reminding you of this statement later in my review.


“Char, but I don’t really do stories.”

If you use the preposition “and,” it makes Char seem sarcastic and rude. “But” sounds like him making an excuse, which is exactly what he was doing.


Jumping up, she immediately dived into her tale, which she had obviously been preparing specifically for that night.

As far as I know, “tonight” refers to the night of this day in the present, so unless theirs is a parallel universe where the events in this story are currently playing out, it needs to be corrected.


“Emburn was, as many of you may know, one of the greatest criminals to ever curse our world. Many underestimated him, as his cute Charmander form and fragile little tail did not deliver the impression that he was a criminal. But as we know today, evolution is not everything. Don’t judge a book by its cover they say. In this case, they did. And they judged wrong. While little is known about this Pokémon’s past, his crimes will forever be burned into the memories of many generations of Pokémon to come.

A master thief and pickpocket, Emburn travelled around the regions with his band of criminals, pulling off massive heists and leaving no trace behind. He was practically a ghost, striking in the dead of night and escaping before anyone could figure out what had happened. Some of his crimes included massive robberies of human stores and raids on human restaurants. However, telling his tale like that doesn’t do it justice, because there were thousands of criminals that did the same thing. No, what truly set Emburn apart from the rest of those do-badders was his famed Clean Sweep manoeuvre.

“Unlike any other past Pokémon, Emburn and his squad were able to rob entire stores and restaurants clean. They left nothing in their wake. Emptying entire shelves of goods, registers of cash and pantries of food. When they were finished, there would be nothing left. Nobody knew who he was under his black suit, except for his fellow thieves. They were the only ones that knew Emburn’s true face. However, his success didn’t last forever. One day, he came up with his so-called “ultimate plan”.

He and his gang would enter a mine shaft, and steal the largest diamonds they could find. The plan may have worked, had it not been for Emburn’s oversized ego. Being a criminal of his magnitude, he predicted that his gang could enter the mineshaft when it was full of humans, pull of the heist, and get out unscathed. How wrong he was. Though no one knows exactly what happened, it is widely believed that Emburn’s posse entered the mineshaft, and as soon as they began digging, the mine started to crumble. The humans evacuated while the Pokémon continued to dig. In his greed, Emburn forgot to keep his partners safe, and the mine soon collapsed on all of them. And so it was the end of Emburn’s reign of terror. Or was it?

“While the bodies of his fellow Pokémon were found, Emburn’s corpse was never recovered from the wreckage. Many believe that Emburn died that day, but not me. I believe he’s still alive somewhere, waiting to strike, and make his name a poison to all once more.”

Buggie had mentioned that one did not necessarily have to keep all of a character’s dialogue in the same paragraph. This is an extremely useful technique, especially with stories or revelations, since it improves the flow of the text, and it doesn’t look as overwhelming. Above, I have showed you how I would have separated the paragraphs. (I also indicated the errors.)


Emburn had not been the leader of the group, much contrary to the belief of others.

There really is no reason for the “much.”


Shade was a Zoroark, and a particularly nasty one.

But I like Zoroarks… In fact, I shall show you their other side. Not now – you’ll know when. :twisted:


Emburn’s group could also have also escaped the trembling mine, if it hadn’t been for Shade’s greed.

The “also” should be placed earlier in the sentence.


Now I was receiving the wide eyes and equally wide mouths of the Pokémon around me.

You would be surprised how far italics can get you.


“I believe I’ve already told my story for the night,” I replied, “but if you must know, I’ve heard many tales about him in my life. Enough to piece together the truth about Emburn.”
Everyone seemed convinced. Everyone except Sapphire. She was stroking her chin, thoughtfully. Why didn’t she believe me?

For the same reason I never did. You don’t defend someone like that and have such detailed knowledge of their “demise.” Although, I had thought Emburn would be Char’s father.


“Well, I do believe that wraps up our fire for the night,” said the Chatot cheerily.

Again with a full stop! (Oh, and this is the part where I remind you of my earlier comment, about the Chatot saying the conversations can continue after the stories have been told.)


As I trodded, I noticed Sapphire watching me, penetrating through me with her penetrating, deep, purple eyes.

The description of Sapphire’s gaze needs a little improving, but how could you use a verb outright in the present tense? *is shocked*


A little ways away, the dark figure of a Pokémon observed the towering structure of Blast Castle.

If you were comparing the castle to a lone/ominous/resolute figure – or even called it a lone/ominous/resolute figure, thereby making it a metaphor – then “figure” would have been appropriate. Otherwise, you cannot call a structure a figure.


Smirking, the Pokémon muttered in a deep voice, “I’ve finally found you, E.”

And, at last, we reach the plot twist itself. This truly is ingenious, but, now that I have calmed down a little, I realise that you could have let it make an even larger shock. True, it would have been hard, since Shade is to play an essential role in the story, but if you think about it, plot twists and revelations made at the end of a story have a much greater impact than when they appear at the beginning or somewhere in the middle.


This is a phenomenal piece of literature (yes, your read right: I said literature), and it is something of which you can be extremely proud. The greatest Weavers of Fate are, in my opinion, Joanne Rowling and Brent Weeks, since the ends of the Harry Potter Series and Night Angel Trilogy were truly legendary, and while they may seem untouchable, one can still hope to one day become as great as they are.

“Doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will,” someone once said. Therefore, you must always have faith. However, it certainly helps if others have faith in you as well. Thus, I say this: I have faith.

In you.

This review courtesy of
Image




Charizard821 says...


ARE YOU KIDDING?? I never replied to this? Oh man, that's embarrassing. Well, as always, I've noted everything you said, and cannot express my gratitude enough. To be compared to such outstanding people is simply astounding. I can't believe you hold this tale of mine in such high regard. Despite the utter lack of people willing to read it, you should know that I am not abandoning this story. I even plan on making it the Charmander Trilogy. Yes, I said trilogy, as in three. So hold onto your hat, because the real adventure hasn't even begun yet. Oh? Don't tell me you haven't noticed the genre. Action/Adventure. There's a reason for that. Oh yes, there is. Even the best books start out slowly, (as evident in the Philossophers Stone, (probably spelt that wrong but oh well,)) but turn into masterpieces. So thank you and @Buggiedude2340 for having faith. Despite my love for writing it, you two are the only other reasons I'm continuing this series. Now, if only we could get @Tortwag reading the other chapters. XD

Hunter, I plan on releasing a short story soon. I think you'll like it. It's about the life of an average person, from birth to death, told in the form of journal entries from the perspectives of his right and left brains. I'm shooting for Literary Spotlight on this one. I think it'll deserve it. Can't wait for you to read it!



BrumalHunter says...


I am glad you found my review useful. :) Also, I look forward to reading your short story! And I promise, I shall get to your latest chapters on Sunday. (Tomorrow and Saturday, I have a provincial chess tournament, so I'll be gone the whole day for both.)

And you want to write a trilogy? O.o
At least it's more realistic than Wanderer and I planning four series (the second, which was the first, until recently :$ , consisting of ten books) ...

PS: *Philosopher's Stone XD



Charizard821 says...


GAH! I knew I spelt it wrong. Anyways, yes. The Charmander Trilogy

The Tale of a Charmander
The Legacy of a Charmander
The Legend of a Charmander

These will be the titles.



BrumalHunter says...


The names reminds me of the Tiger Saga by Colleen Houck and the Bourne Trilogy by Robert Ludlum.



Charizard821 says...


Also, I have not confirmed the identity of Char to anyone. Not even my girlfriend. I'll leave you to your assumptions.



starbean says...


That was an incredibly long review.



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Sun Jan 04, 2015 6:36 pm
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Heya! I'm back!

First, there is a little piece of information that no doubt you will be interested in knowing. When a character talks for a really long time, like, long enough that their speech could be broken into paragraphs, you actually can break their dialogue into paragraphs. I don't know the name for it, but I've seen authors utilize the technique before. What you do, is when you start a new paragraph within dialogue, just don't put quotations on the end of the prior paragraph and then keep them on the front of the new one so that everyone still knows it is speech. You don't need to put end quotations in until the character is completely done speaking, or someone else says something.

My other comment is that you have a lot of unnecessary commas. I know there are places where it looks right, or feels right, or maybe it just goes with how you would say it, but rules should be broken only on purpose. (In other words, dramatic effect is the only good place for rule-breaking.) Commas are meant for separation. Not everything is obvious (when you have an interjection like this, for instance, or when you are using a conjunction to separate independent clauses.) There are also other ways to separate words which bypass the comma like "that." I suggest looking up comma rules, because there are a lot.

In other news, your verbs are definitely getting better. I think you could stand to be a bit more dramatic, but I'm a sucker for the dramatic so...

I also like the story-telling element of this piece. Hyperbole, exaggeration, really weird similes, and other elements of folklore have long been my favorite things in writing, and I love seeing them put to use. The way Charge told his story was fabulous.

I'll get to chapter six next!
-Buggie




Charizard821 says...


Interesting. You have extremely helpful opinions Buggie. I can't wait to discuss all this with you soon.




Who, being loved, is poor?
— Oscar Wilde