Young Writers Society

This is a sweet story but do have some corrections

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"I think he'll listen to you." Should have who is saying it and how they say it.

"When has he ever listened to me?" I asked her. "And what about Mum?" I asked is repetitive here and maybe "I protested" or along the lines of that. Describe how they say it. As a command? Are they whining?

"Oh, OK. I'll have a go but I can't promise anything." The oh, okay should be separate from I'll have a go. A thought should be interjected there.

You have a tendency to say "said" a lot. There are several times and you can find them when you look it over.

"I can see a woman struggling along with bags full of shopping and with two little girls in tow, a policeman booking a motorist(,)and just what are those teenagers up to?" The comma is in parentheses that you need to enter.

"He gets out of his hospital bed and looks down to where I'm pointing. The little girl is still playing up, she's making a good show of it." How does he get up? Is he in pain? Did he shuffle over? And what does playing up mean? I suggest rephrasing that.

"We can't hear what she's saying but(,) it's not hard to imagine the sort of tactics she'll be using"

"Eventually(,) the child moves forward, painfully slowly at first and obviously begrudging every single step."

""She is(,) isn't she? Don't you want to see her grow up?"

You need to use the Oxford comma. You contiously neglect it.

"No invasive incisions, no pain(,),and the whole thing was done in ten minutes. Now(,) he has a tiny tube in an artery and he feels like a new man"

Your tenses are askew.

"I'm a little girl again(,) only now my daddy isn't invincible anymore(.) He's mortal and I'm going to lose him long before I'm ready."

"I can understand why he was stubborn and reluctant to face up to reality(.) He has to change his whole lifestyle and after so many years it will take some getting used to, but he can still live a full life." It was a run on sentence.

"I've no idea(.) Hundreds, thousands I should think."

"One things for sure, between the five of us we'll give him a whole lot more than broken down washing machines to help out with." Things should be thing's because it is a conjunction of thing and is.

I absolutely adore the paragraph "I rest my head....where I got that trait from." It really captures the emotion of the daughter without being overly sappy. The ending is wonderful as well, so glad it ends happily! I like the simplicity of the story, not an overly complex problem, yet conveys great emotion. Great story!!

Aww, such a sweet story. I'm so glad it came to a happy conclusion! The story flows really, really well, and I'm happy you posted it on the website to let me read it! Haha. Thank you very much for such a touching story. It's so simple, in a way, but it gives me a nice touchy-feely feeling inside. Y'know, all gooey and stuff? It's an awesome story, and you should be proud of yourself for being able to write something so emotional! Good job! ^_^

This nearly brought a tear to my eye, and I almost never cry at books. They way you tell the story, and paint the pictures of the characters so clearly is incredibly heart warming; I also love the significance of the washing machine fixer needing to be fixed, and him having his job almost taken away from him, in the same way that his heart also experienced the same thing.
I am really trying hard to find something wrong with this story, and I honestly -hands on heart- can't wait to see more from you.
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