Young Writers Society

Hey there, Amber! Here as requested.

I turn around to see who it was,

I start to scream and fight.

I don't know who it was,

Try to find a better way to describe her immediate fear. She obviously doesn't recognize the man, which should be a straight-away feeling of "I don't know you, who are you, go away" feeling, so the screaming should be prompt. However, I feel that there's a better way you could've described this.

I start to try and untie myself,

All it does is get tighter.

I feel my cell phone under my head,

I figure out how to get it.

You're skipping a big part of the story here. She's tied up. You say her struggling only makes the restrains tighter. So how does she manage to get free to get her cell phone? Explain these things.

Also, when you plan on breaking into a house to tie a woman up and do whatever it is you plan on doing to her (raping/killing/etc.), you don't leave things that she can use to escape lying around, like her cellphone. That only happens in badly-rated movies.

Your name is the first to pop up.

I texts you and tell you everything that just happens,

I'm sorry, I know you're going for a romantic and cheesy feel to this poem, but no. If your house has been broken into and you manage to break free and get ahold of a phone, you're gonna call the cops. Not text your lover. Maybe if it was inconvenient for you to call, then you would text, but for the most part, you call the cops.

I also tell you that I need your help.

Cut this out. It's self-explanatory that she needs his help. You aren't gonna text someone and say "hello, I've just had my house be broken into by a strange man who knocked me out and tied me up! I managed to break free of these restrains and get this cellphone to text you, but don't worry about me, I'm fine."

I tell him I know and your bleeding.

He tells me that your going to pay for that,

You're*



Okay, so.. Amber, I will be honest with you. This is lacking a lot of stuff. Important stuff. It has the potential to be good. Cheesy, but good. And it is good. It's just not great. Not something I would buy in the bookstore, you feel me?

One thing: imagery. Imagery, imagery, imagery. You're telling me evvverryytthing. And it is sooooo boring. Step by step, I feel like this is a cooking book. Don't tell me; show me. I want you to paint the scene with intense imagery, beautiful descriptions, unique synonyms, all that jazz. Begin with the description of the main character and what she's doing, when the man barges in. Yes, I said barges. You've been using simple words; spice it up. He breaks down the door, he knocks and immediately assaults her when she opens the door, etc. Something other than "he walks in".

Talk about her emotions. How does she feel? How is she handling all of this?

Like I said before, keep this as realistic as possible. No boyfriend is gonna read a text that says "I've been attacked and there's a strange man in my house, please help me!" and ignore it. What's more is he isn't gonna text you back to question you. People are jerks and they do trick people, but you never know. He should've been there instantly, regardless of the potential of a prank or not. And... exactly why did he not call the cops? Honestly, that's the first thing you do when you get a text from your girlfriend, saying she's been attacked.

Another thing, slow down a little. You blew by everything so fast, that it was hard for the reader to absorb and retain information. BAM. She's attacked. BAM. She's knocked out. BAM. She's awake. BAM. She finds phone. Etc. Slow. Down.

Finally, while the proposal at the end of the story was cute, I think it was a bit too much. Personally, I don't like it and would've waited until maybe a part two of the poem to take it that far. It's pretty cheesy. But if you like it, keep it.

Overall, like I said, good poem. Interesting concept, the way she handled this when the man broke in. I don't think I would've texted my boyfriend at the first chance; I would've called the cops, but maybe there's a good reason why she went to him instead. She must have some close connection to him, enough that she believed he would save her faster than the police, right? Who knows? Regardless, it was cute.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions.

~Iggy

Hey, Amber. I'll spare you the introduction since you already know who I am. I noticed the poem isn't split up or anything like that and that makes it a little hard to read so I'm going to have to split it up myself. I'll go ahead and put it in a spoiler as well as my review and I'll just review under each verse.

Sorry about having to copy and paste everything. There were several things that needed to be edited so I went ahead and took the time to edit them, as well as review it and I thought it would just be easier to review it this way instead. I put my thoughts around and underneath each verse.

Overall: I think it was decent. I think that you should make this a story rather then a poem because that's more of what it was. Other then that, with a few more details I think that you could make this a lot better. It seemed slightly rushed, judging by the misspellings and such.

Keep writing!
- Nonny