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Hello! (I'm going to apologize right upfront for any disconnectedness in this review because the TV's on and distracting me)

So I really liked the imagery of this. I could picture it all.

Something that I think could be helped, though, is that at the end of this, you just throw this suicidal thing at us, and I just wasn't feeling anything for it. I mean, you connected us to this character just a smidge by the Power Ranger and xbox thing, but other than that, I know nothing about him (or her).
And it's not good that the audience doesn't feel anything for your character. It makes them read your poem, and just go "huh. Too bad. Oh well."

Also, the ending is really kind of anti-climactic. All this beautiful imagery leading up to... it's time to die. Really rather depressing. In a not a good, constructive way.

Something to think about: what is the point of this poem?

It just seems a little too personal for me to connect with. I just read Rosey's review and saw that's exactly what they said, but I would like to reiterate.

Also it might be nice to give a title to this, so that it can focus the poem to achieve a kind of singular effect, and do all the cool little things that titles do.

So I know you just drempt about it, and you're still thinking about it. That's good! Think about it some more. The imagery is really solid, and I think you could do a lot to make this better. Keep thinking about it~

Great job, keep writing!
-fortis

Hey Eli.

First things first: your rhyme scheme, or lack thereof. Air/chair rhymes, then you have absolutely nothing else that rhymes within the poem. When it comes to poems, you generally have to keep some sort of consistent pattern when it comes to whether or not you rhyme. People get into the rhythm of a poem, and having an inconsistent pattern really throws off that rhythm.

Past that, nearly each line of the poem is self contained, with ideas finishing once you hit the line break and a new idea picking up immediately after. A key component of poetry is ideas cascading onto other lines— it helps with the flow I mentioned previously. Fiddling with line breaks and making the whole thing more cohesive.

All in all, I think this poem is a tad too personal for it to be a really good poem. There's a certain art to poetry: you write from the heart but hide yourself in the folds, making the poem effectively about everything but yourself. When you put too much of yourself in the poem, people lose the ability to relate to it because you're at the forefront instead of the words. When you're at the forefront, people have to know about the situation before they can really understand it. When you hide yourself, people can at the very least appreciate a lovely poem, even if they know nothing about you (knowing about you becomes an extra addition that makes the poem richer, instead of comprehensible).

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

Hi, darling. Let's jam.


The beginning isn't a hook. It's blatantly prosaic. In fact, the entire poem is prosaic. That not necessarily a bad thing, but it can get in the way of the poem growing into what it could be. Like the beginning, for instance. There's no hook. It doesn't make me want to read it. The sunlight metaphor is weak and cliche. The past tense makes the poem feel disjointed and separates the reader from the narrator/character. The use of second person POV makes it even worse, because it's trying to get personal without even feeling personal. It's very cold and unfeeling. It's like a robot. You're telling me I do this and then that but I don't BELIEVE you.

"Did you realize that all of it had gone too far?" What had gone too far? Perfect opportunity for you to give us a little more about the story, yet you just leave it all up to chance and imagination. And to some degree, that's a good thing. But in this case, you give us nothing. And because it's in second person, it feels like you're giving me nothing about myself, which makes me feel very alienated. What does power rangers and xbox have to do with anything? I feel like you're trying to represent innocence lost, but I don't associate xbox especially with innocence. Grown men and teenagers play xbox. There are mature games. I don't think oh this is about a little boy. Why not try something more childlike? Stick swords in yards, catching lightning bugs, super man capes? Why is the hope gone from the character's eyes? What happened to make them this say? And last question, why are they commiting suicide at a pool?

My biggest problem with this poem is there's nothing it that makes it a POEM. It's so very prosaic, that you could format it like a paragraph and it'd probably work better. There's no metaphor, there's no imagery, there's nothing that makes me want to know more. The only thing that hooked me was the ray bans and the rubber of the chair. Expand Expand Expand. Don't be afraid of imagery. Experiment and learn what works for your poem. You'll figure it out, I promise! You've got an interesting plot here, you just need to make it poemish.

Sparkles