Young Writers Society

Heya, Fiendy! I don't have the time for an in-depth review, so I'll try to make this quick.

Honestly speaking, I know almost next to nothing about critiquing lyrics, so I'll be looking at this like I'd look at a poem. Also, forgive me for any typos/errors I might make; I'm typing this out on a phone.

Righto; nitpicks--

When where you ever there for me?

~ 'where' should be 'were'.

I looked for love in your distain

~ I think you mean 'disdain'?

Okay, so about verse one: you're obviously addressing someone you possessed strong feelings for once upon a time and this person's behaviour to you has affected you rather severely. That's what you managed to convey to me, at least, from these lines. Now, even when I listen to lyrics, I think the formation of images--or emotions, whatever suits your drift--is very important. I'm just reading this at the mo'; maybe if I was part of the music and the way the song is sung, I'd be more affected. Buuut, the point is that even in lyrics, image-formation is imperative. I found the images in verse one to be a bit bland and (since I assume you're trying to evoke strong feelings within your reader/listener) I think they're not as powerful as they could be. When you mentioned that the person you're addressing 'threw you in the sand', I envisioned a slight push rather than abandonment. That was the feeling that spoke through to me. So far, ze ailment. My suggestions:

1] Remove the 'my' before God. Don't look too deeply into this. All I'm saying is, that if the narrator's God is real to him, he won't say 'my'. It shows that belief is still present, I guess? Although I'm only saying this since it'Il even out the rhythm in the first and second lines.

2] 'Once you'd thrown me in the sand' is a very meh image. I know all the lines need to rhyme, but I'd still suggest playing around with this. Maybe try something like: 'I landed face-first in the sand', or: 'You buried me in burning sand'?

3] Another suggestion I have is for you to establish a constant. This is one recurring image that knits everything you're conveying together. Since you used words like 'grave' and 'carvings', I thought of solid structures, like abandoned buildings, decrepit and with crumbling pillars. Maybe try inserting imagery of that sort as you write? Also, instead of having scattered images, if you merely stick to talking about how whoever-you're-addressing caused your foundation to crumble and turned your world to shambles yadda yadda--it'd make it easier for the reader/listener to form connections. It also gives your lyrics more weight.

Hrm, I think I'll talk about the piece in general here. The tone was't very consistent, I think, and there were several places where you said some pretty heavy things only to follow up with something that causes the whole idea to ... disbalance. Like over here, when you say:

You broke my heart and broke my wrist.

What bugged me about this was that: A) The statement feels very lacklustre and insincere, and B) It's pretty cliche. I think you were trying to twist the whole breaking of hearts into teens tiny shards cliche into something new, but it hasn't worked out that well. Since the narrator mentioned wrists and hearts together, it also seems as is he/she is focussing on how he/she's been physically affected by the ordeal; and it doesn't allow a clear picture to settle in the readers' minds either. This is because it feels incomplete.

Overall, I think this was pretty good and would sound positively splendiferous were you to put it to music; from a writerly viewpoint, some improvement could be made, though. Two things that could use working on is the ambiguity of the piece, since you're obviously talking about heartbreak, but it's not clear whether the narrator was in an abusive relationship. Many vague statements were made, too. Say it concisely, yeah, but make sure you don't leave a ton of stray threads hanging about the place. Oh! Also, try making it seem less rigid. I know lyrics mostly rhyme, but it feels very forced in places and doesn't flow as well as it could. There were some powerful verses in this piece which I really liked, mostly because though they were concrete they conveyed your message beautifully and flowed very well! So I'm sorry if I seemed kinda harsh in this review, but just work on that chorus and some of the lines that don't flow so well. You'll be fine. [I'm talking about the chorus, verses 1 and 4 here, especially. Verse 2 is just plain awesome. <3]

Keep writing! Keep up the splendiferous work!

PM me if you needst anything.

~Pompadour