z

Young Writers Society



Foxglove: Chapter One

by Dracula


I stand on the edge of the dock. I ignore the crowd of sadistic watchers and look down into the water; the ocean is only metres away from me. The chains which bind my body are heavy as I feel his hands grab onto them. Foxglove," he hisses. "You are charged with treason and sentenced to death." The crowds of onlookers begin clapping in anticipation and then he pushes the chains, and my body, into the water.

The green waves engulf me as I land awkwardly on my stomach, the splash causing shouts of victory from those on the dock. Forgetting all else, I do my best to hold my breath to protect the life that is in me. Yet the water seeps its way through my lips. I try to move my body like an eel but the chains restrict me and pull me down towards to the bottom of the ocean. I have to be brave. I have to survive until it's time. Even as I feel death reaching out to me, I know that this is only the beginning.

21 Days Earlier

Domonic rests his elbow on the counter, leaning towards me as I wait to be served. "Have you thought about my offer?" he asks, raising his eyebrows.

I fold my arms, "I told you. There's no way in hell that I'm ever marrying you." The register attendant walks into the room and I clear my throat to get his attention. Sarcastically I say, "I need to state my existence."

Domonic sighs and shrugs, "I'll see you next month. You better have changed your mind by then." He walks away from the counter as the attendant approaches.

The man pulls out a log book and begins flicking the pages. "Foxglove Drenner, right?" the attendant smiles at me. I roll my eyes at him for using Domonic's last name. "He talks about you all the time, says he's going to marry you."

"Yeah. In his dreams." I pull my ID card out of my bag and pass it over to him. "And it's Foxglove Prince."

"Okay then, Prince of the foxes, gimme a sec." The attendant turns to the P page and begins filling out my details.

Every month I have to make the trip to town so I can register myself and clarify that I'm actually still alive. Everyone has to do it but I'm the only one that it's actually necessary for. The whole population of Eldelvin (except me) lives within five hundred metres of the Town Square and are unnaturally sociable. They'd be missed in a day if something happened to them. But me? I live a kilometre away on a hill beside a forest and I only ever come down once a month. If I didn't register myself, I could be dead for all they knew.

Five minutes later he hands back my ID card and says I'm all done for the month. I reach into my bag and pull out a yellow woven hat. I place it on my wavy red hair and walk outside into the sun.

One of the townsfolk who's name I don't know walks past me. "Hello, Foxglove." she says with disgust. The corner of her mouth rises into the smallest of grins and she shoves past, pushing me towards the grocery store. The scene doesn't faze me; I was heading here anyway. I'm also used to being hated by almost everyone here; it's because girls are supposed to get married at sixteen. I'm months past that and still single.

I push open the grocery store door and enter. When I say grocery store, I don't mean a shop. I mean a storeroom. All our food is kept here and we take what we need.

The bell on the door jingles and a man looks up from his newspaper. "Hello," I nod at him. "I've just come for my weekly rations... times four."

He nods his head back at me and goes back to reading about the boring stuff that happens here. I take that as a yes and make my way to the shelves. I shove a heap of food into my bag: vegetables, flour, milk, cheese, sugar and a box of homemade brownies. The old ladies who cooked those brownies would probably be furious if they ever found out that of all people, I'd taken them.

Having collected enough food for the month, I zip up my bag and haul it over my shoulder. Ignoring the man reading the newspaper, I hurry out the door and back onto the street. I can finally go back home now.

I'm stopped by a burly looking man in a hunting outfit. He looks surprised to see me. "Foxglove!" He bellows. Everyone around here knows me, it's something I've gotten used to. Gossip about the girl who won't marry gets around fast. "You can't go home tonight; we're hunting in ten minutes."

I force myself to look angry. And I am angry, very much. Except I'd rather stay here for a night than be shot by a hunter. "And where am I meant to stay?"

The hunter looks towards the town hall where all the council members live. "I'm sure Domonic will have you." He puts his hands on his belly, roaring with laughter, then trudges away.

I clench my fist and walk in the opposite direction of the town hall, there's no way I am going to Domonic. I would rather commit suicide. Instead I walk to the graveyard; I'll sleep with my parents tonight.


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Mon Dec 08, 2014 10:37 pm
megsug wrote a review...



Hey Jazzy!
Because I made you wait so long, I'm going to review the whole shebang because, really, I need to make it up to you somehow xP

I did not read the first thing you had since your author's note said it was the whole story crammed into one post. I'd rather read it chapter by chapter since that would probably do you more good in the long run.

Alright, to start out, you've got a nice hook though I have to agree with ancientforever. There could be a little more feeling there.

Onto Foxglove herself: isolated, hated by almost everyone, and orphaned. This is screaming cliche and author's favorite. I always get suspicious when a character is hated by everyone because... well... that's just not realistic.

The registering every month is fascinating, but the why is missing. I mean, yes, they want to make sure everyone is alive, but why does that matter? She has to come in for food anyway. Why are they so anal about their record keeping?

And is she really the only one who doesn't live close to the town? That's too far-fetched. If she is, why do they even accept her as a inhabitant of the town at all? Why isn't she just by herself?

What's her disgust at getting married when it's obviously a regularly practiced social convention?

I force myself to look angry. And I am angry

If she's actually angry, why is she having to force it?

I'd rather stay here for a night than be shot by a hunter

...What? Doesn't she have a house? This reasoning for her not to go home doesn't make sense.

Okay, so you've got some holes to fill and a few aspects of the society and Foxglove to expand on, but I'm sure I'll see that in the following chapters.

That being said, I'll be intrigued to see how Foxglove gets herself in the situation you opened with and where you take this intriguing setting.

Onto chapter 2
Megs~




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Sun Nov 30, 2014 12:52 am
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Vervain wrote a review...



Hello, love! Going to review this just because.

To start with, your prose in the beginning -- you'd think it would be exciting, considering she's being tossed, chained, into a body of water, but it's dry and practically emotionless. I'm not interested by it, except by what's happening, and most importantly, you're in first-person present tense. No one in their right mind is going to be standing there dryly cataloguing everything happening around them when they're chained and tossed into an ocean. I think what's causing this is that most of your sentences are very much standard, subject-verb-object. "I stand", "I ignore", "The green waves engulf"—you're going to lose a reader quick, because those get boring and repetitive. Change up the sentence length and the form.

I fold my arms, "I told you.
That is not a dialogue tag. A key to remembering dialogue tags: if it's something that's making the noise. Folding your arms does not create the words "I told you", but speaking does. One way to fix this:
I fold my arms and spit, "I told you.
Another would be simply having a period instead of a comma after "arms".

Domonic sighs and shrugs, "I'll see you next month.
Still not a dialogue tag.

Everyone has to do it but I'm the only one that it's actually necessary for. The whole population of Eldelvin (except me) lives within five hundred metres of the Town Square and are unnaturally sociable.
I have a problem with the whole section you start like this. There's a better way to put this—this is just a giant infodump that'll bore the reader again in a heartbeat. It's interesting, but you could fit it better into the narration.

Five minutes later he hands back my ID card and says I'm all done for the month. I reach into my bag and pull out a yellow woven hat. I place it on my wavy red hair and walk outside into the sun.
Boring. This is probably where I would actually stop reading if I weren't reviewing this. If this was a book, I would close it, set it down, and say "too bad, it actually looked interesting". The narration is choppy, and the punctuation is incorrect. You need a comma after "later". You have two short and similarly-structured sentences in a row, and they're just... boring.

Also: why is it such a big deal that Foxglove won't marry? And why does Foxglove have this name (and no, "because it's cool" is not a reason) when Domonic has a more common human name and the name of the place is Eldelvin (which sounds more wizardy than flower-fairy-ish?)?

As far as it goes, I'm not a fan of the writing style (overly simplistic, boring, and emotionless), and I'm not a fan of the characters. You could probably pull off me not being a fan of the characters, because that could increase my appreciation of their character development throughout the book, but the writing style is absolutely unforgivable. Try varying sentence forms, having sentences that are fragments or interjections, and especially because this is first-person present, it doesn't necessarily have to be entirely grammatically correct. Some narrators have grammatically-incorrect voices.

Keep writing!




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Tue Oct 07, 2014 6:51 am
Ehtaniel wrote a review...



The two first paragraph are ready good. You've just use a classic, but very efficient way of starting a story : putting your character in a deadly situation, then stop it, giving suspense, and rewinding to know how we get there. :-)

You introduced the situation with Domonic in a quick way, no long talk to explain the situation, you just give enough to let the reader understand by himself.

[bothering mode]A little 'irrealistic' point, just try to put in a bag month for a person for one month and you'll see it's actually quite heavy and big, but it's just for the sack of argument ;-) [/bothering mode]

The last paragraph is also a good way to "introduce" her parents. Nicely done.

I felt some rules of that town quite strange, and not really the sort I like, but I guess part of it will be explained later. :-)

A good starting point, not too long and you give some informations quite efficiently.




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Mon Oct 06, 2014 3:37 pm
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birk wrote a review...



Hey Dracula!

So, I'm skipping the first part of your story because it's very short and I don't have too much to say about it. I'll include some parts of it here though, and it obviously ties together with your second chapter (or rather your first one).

Which ultimately brings me to the first thing I noticed as I read through this part. The previous part was a prologue. It did not read like one, nor does it need to be one. I'd definitely remove it. In fact, you could just change the titles of your works apropriately and everything would be fine. There's nothing in the first part that needs to be changed; it reads fine as a first chapter. Just rework the titles.

Next up, I see you again used pretty much the same intro as the previous part. This is completely redundant. We already know this. Tell us how she got there. What I'd advise you to do is cut everything above and including the '21 Days Earlier'. After your initial introduction with her apparent execution, just tell the story as you recount the days up until her execution and how she got there. You could perhaps keep the days counting down as a header above your chapters, as in '20 Days Earlier' and '19 Days Earlier' etc. That might be a good way to keep track. Up to you.

As for your story, I guess it has some interesting aspects to it, though I'm mostly wondering what is going on. And mainly, what kind of world this is.

Because I am unsure about the setting you have. Your previous part started with a public execution, along with mentions to both abandoned ships and sailboats. As well as the Banished, which seems like some sort of supernatural or almost mythical being, in addition to the fact that every father is legally obligated to marry their daughters away when they're sixteen. All of this leads to a heavily implied fantasy setting, which you did tag your previous part, yet not this one.

I bring up the setting because in contrast to all of the above, you now introduce stuff like ID cards, grocery stores, newspapers and quite a wide variety of groceries. Including milk, which would be hard to keep fresh for long within a fantasy storeroom.

Just make the setting more clear. ;)

I'm also hoping to see some more backstory on Foxglove herself, as I'd at least like to know how she was brought up and survived after her remaining parent died when she was two. How did she come to own this house for herself? How does she support herself? How does she so clearly remember a specific thing her father told her when she was only two? Especially seeing as she herself confides that she didn't know him that well.

Alright, that aside, I don't really have too much to say about the rest of your writing. You write very well, I found little to no grammatical errors. There's a few places you could have changed up the punctuation, but that's no problem. Your dialogue is decent and I like your narration.

Lastly:

I would rather commit suicide. Instead I walk to the graveyard; I'll sleep with my parents tonight.
Whoa, that's pretty grim. ;)

Alright, that's pretty much all I've got to comment on. I'm liking the story okay so far. I want to figure out how she ended up about to be executed in front of everyone. I'd still want a more clear setting though.

I'll try to get to the following chapters as soon as I can. See you in those.

Keep it up, Dracula!




Cheers
Birkhoff




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Fri Oct 03, 2014 6:54 pm
Tealessence wrote a review...



I really like how you're revealing Foxglove's character. It's very intriguing and keeps me interested in her as a character. The workings of this society are also very interesting... very original. Aside from a couple grammatical errors, awesome job. They are as follows:

"The scene doesn't faze me, I was heading here anyway." This is a comma splice; that comma should either be a semicolon or a period.

"And where am I meant to stay." There should be a question mark where the period is. If your intent was to make her voice sound like she was making a statement rather than asking a question, you can indicate that by describing it in a dialogue tag.

I particularly enjoyed how you ended this chapter: "I'll sleep with my parents tonight." It really wraps the scene up very well.

Well done! I'm really looking forward to reading more!




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Thu Oct 02, 2014 11:14 am
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EscaSkye wrote a review...



Hi! I'm back with another review.

At first, I honestly thought the first part before the "21 Days Earlier" line was the same one as the prologue's (or is that chapter totally different from this one? Just in case, I'll mention as little of it as I can here. Sorry if I replied to the review below wrong!). Silly me. Good thing I took a look at it! I like how I can see Foxglove's relationships with the people around town. It adds more to the general feeling of isolation this character gets, living by herself on a hill and all. I wonder if she secretly feels lonely though... At her age, I don't think I can imagine anyone as truly emotionally stable in a sense that she would be fine whether or not anyone cared for her. That's probably just my perspective though.

That aside, here are a few things I spotted while reading this, minus those that have already been mentioned below.

I'll see you next month, you better have changed your mind.

It was a bit awkward to read. I might phrase this as, "I'll see you next month. You better have changed your mind by then." This is up to you though!

I shove a heap of food into my bag; vegetables, flour, milk, cheese, sugar and a box of homemade brownies.

From what I know, that semicolon should be a colon. You could also put a comma between "sugar" and "and" if you wish.

And where am I meant to stay.

The period should be replaced by a question mark.

That's all from me on that aspect!

It's still as interesting as it was before, and honestly, I think you'll be seeing more reviews from me soon. Good job!




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Mon Sep 29, 2014 8:46 pm
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erilea wrote a review...



jazzydracula! Hello, nice day to you! I am here to review, so let's get on with it!

First, in the beginning paragraph, you have this sentence. This is all very well, but you either need to separate this sentence into two, or replace that comma with a semicolon.

"I ignore the crowd of sadistic watchers and look down into the water, the ocean is only metres away from me."

You also forgot the quotation mark before "Foxglove". What is that anyway?

"The chains which bind my body are heavy as I feel his hands grab onto them. Foxglove,""

"Myself" is when you do something to your own body. That word should be "me", in this case.

"The crowds of onlookers begin clapping in anticipation and then he pushes the chains, and myself, into the water."

At the end. Whose parents live in a graveyard? Sure, maybe a zombie's, but Foxglove's? And why is it a rule to get married when here, you're supposed to just be learning how to drive? This is a weird place, but I like it. Keep doing this!

-wisegirl22




EscaSkye says...


Hey there. I'm not jazzy, but I'd like to answer your last question as well as what "Foxglove" is. In the prologue, Foxglove mentioned her parents are both dead, hence she said she'd be sleeping with her parents at the graveyard. As for "Foxglove", it's a type of plant. Flowers, I think.



erilea says...


I see.



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Mon Sep 29, 2014 12:32 pm
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GrapeNerd wrote a review...



Hey, I like your story!

So first, this really isn't going to be much of a review seeing as this was pretty well written! I really like your character's name, very interesting! Foxglove has a nice ring to it. Honestly though, I thought that this was set in the Victorian ages or something. Mostly because my mom and I are watching Sense and Sensibility right now.

Anyway, I really think this was well written and I couldn't find any error in it! Well done! I'm looking forward to reading the next chapter. By the way, I suggest you make your summary a bit more specific, it helps if the reader knows what exactly the story is about. It's not really necessary, just a suggestion.

Can't wait to read the next chapter! Till then,

Keep writing!

GrapeNerd





Maybe our favorite quotations say more about us than about the stories and people we're quoting.
— John Green