z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Secret Service section #6

by cvandoren1


The next two days, I stay in bed, only getting up to go to the bathroom. Liam told me the less I use my leg, the faster it would heal. At first, I protested, insisting that we go to my family immediately. But deep down, I knew that I would be extremely difficult for me. So I soon agreed to stay in bed.

I still couldn’t fathom the fact that, in return for stealing his money and injuring his arm, Liam offered to give that money to my family and get me a job. A real job that paid handsomely. I had only done him harm and he has only done me kindness. I am so bewildered, for I have seen nothing but anger and greed all my life. Now I might actually have a chance to live a good life, all thanks to a boy who works for the Royal Guard.

***

I am limping a bit, but almost all the pain has disappeared from the wound on my left leg. Liam, who was walking a bit ahead of me, notices and asks how I am doing.

I can’t help but smile at him. I have been watching him. He walks so tall and with such confidence, like nothing he came across could stop him. “I am doing much better than I have in a long time.”

He turns around to look at me, walking backwards. He has a twinkle in his eye. “You deserve so much better. Living in a town like this . . . I can’t even imagine.”

“It’s not so bad,” I reply, even though that was the exact opposite of how I feel about Redreef. I am just trying to shrug off my embarrassment. A boy has never cared about me before. Well, besides one long ago.

“Back in Sorington, everything can be very . . . peaceful. Sure, there are crimes committed, but nothing too awful. Nothing like this,” Liam says, gesturing to the tiny houses with boarded windows and worn-down cobblestone streets. “Nobody even knows towns like these exist. The king hides it from them. I suppose he doesn’t even care really, though he should. I am one of the few who know because of my mother. And even I didn’t know it had gotten this bad. Being part of the Royal Guard keeps you in Sorington all the time. I came back here to visit my mother. I haven’t seen her in three years. It took a while for the king to let me go.”

“You haven’t seen your mother in three years?” I ask, shocked.

Liam nods solemnly. “The king needed me. Things have been . . . troubled lately. Sorington needs all the security that is available.”

“I thought you just said that there wasn’t a lot of crime in Sorington?”

“There isn’t a much crime in Sorington,” Liam answers, his expression troubled. “It’s what lurks outside the border that is the problem.”

“What do you mean what lurks outside the border?” I inquire.

“I’m not talking about monster or anything, Keri,” he says, his laugh containing a breathless note that I am already finding familiar.

“I wasn’t saying I thought there were monsters out there!” I exclaimed, an edge of defense in my tone. But what I was really thinking about was that he had given me a nickname. He had called me Keri!

He laughed again. “You will learn the details soon enough.”

I waited for him to go on, but he didn’t. I desperately wanted to know, but Liam was right. I would know soon. I was going to be part of Sorington’s Secret Service! Just two days ago, I would have imagined myself anywhere but. The only bad thing would be leaving me family. But at least I would be leaving them plenty of money in return.

We approach a house at the end of the street, identical to every other one. But this was my home. “This is it.”

I step in front of Liam, up to the door. I make a fist and knock twice, pause and then three more times rapidly. There is a moment of silence before I hear soft footsteps. The door creaks open and Mother peeks her head out, to confirm it is me. The second she sees me, the worry in her eyes is replaced with relief. She lays a hand on my arm and ushers me in. She stops when she sees Liam.

“Mother, let him in. He has helped me,” I assure her.

She looks back at me, unsure. She whispers urgently, “Are you sure, sweetie? He could be dangerous. Look at how big he is!”

“Don’t worry ma’am. I’m here to help,” Liam speaks up.

She looks up at him and her face softens a little. I allow myself a little smile. He seems to have that effect on people. Even me?

I grab his arm (which I notice is very strong and muscular) and try to pull him inside, but the end result is me using him for support. Liam looks down at me, a look of concern on his face.

“Are you okay, Keri? Are you feeling alright? How is your leg?” he asked, firing question after question at me.

Mother looked startled. “What happened to your leg, Keri?”

I motioned for Liam to help me sit down. My leg was feeling a little sore after that long walk. As soon as I was lying on the couch, I quickly debated how to tell me mother everything that had happened in the last 24 hours.

“Mother, would you mind setting up a place for Liam to rest?”

“Honey, you haven’t answered my question!”

“Mother, please. Can you just put him in my room and then I will explain everything to you,” I promised, exasperated.

Liam tosses me the pouch of coins. They land noisily in my hands, the money clinking. Mother looks confused, but only casts me a glance instead of another question.

I lay back on the couch and closed my eyes, sighing. So much had happened so fast! And how will I explain to Mother that I was leaving her? She obviously didn’t want to trust Liam, so why would she want to send off her oldest daughter with him?

I slowly open my eyes when I hear Mother returning.

She sits down on the arm rest of the couch and strokes my hair. I close my eyes again, wanting to stay here forever.

“What happened to your leg?”

“Liam shot me,” I answered simply, not opening my eyes.

Her hand stills. “What?!”

“Mother, it’s okay!” I cry, frantically trying to think of a way to calm her down. And then I hand her the pouch of money.

It lands noisily in her hands. “What is this?”

I open my eyes and sit up. I look straight at Mother, knowing how much this will mean to her. “This enough money to get you by easily for at least a year. Now more scrounging for food. Mother, you can buy bread at the bakery and you, Amelia and Sarah can all buy new dresses!”

Tears come to Mother’s eyes and her hands start shaking. “How . . . how is this possible? How did you get this money?”

“Liam gave it to me,” I reply, smiling. Maybe she will see the good in him now. Besides the fact he shot me in the leg!

Her eyes widen. “He just gave it to you? Why?”

I took a deep breath. “I was at the tavern and I tried to take the money from him, but he chased me down the street and then he asked for his money back and I said I would give it to him. But instead I cut his arm and start running away and then he shoots me in my leg to stop me. Liam took me to his mother’s house, not far from here, and I rest for the day I have been gone. He says we can give this money to you and he offered me a job in Sorington!”

Mother is silent and I can see the wheels turning in her head. “You want to go to Sorington?”

I nod.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. You just met this boy. He could be lying to you and take you somewhere far from Sorington and you would never even know it! Honey, you haven’t even been outside of Redreef before!”

“Mother, we need this! I am tired of watching you and my sisters going hungry because I cannot earn enough money to feed you. You all deserve better. I deserve better. And I am going to make everything better by getting a high-paying job in Sorington. Liam said I could be part of the Secret Service. Do you have any idea how much that would help us?” I ask, all my emotions bubbling inside me.

Mother takes both my hands gingerly in hers and looks at her feet, unsure of how to put what she wants to say. “Keri . . . you have gone through so much these past couple years. First with Isaac and then with your father. I loved that man, but I have to say I hate him now. Your father was selfish for leaving us here like this. For forcing you to have to steal so we can survive and putting that burden on you. But I want to let you know that I am so grateful for all you have done for this family. You have grown up to be such a strong girl, such a brave one. I think that is why that boy Liam believes that you would be an asset to the Secret Service.”

I smile up at her, tears in my eyes. I let out a shaky breath before replying. “So are you okay with this?”

“Well, how long will you be there and where will you live?”

“I’m not sure of the details,” I respond, shaking my head. “I will be there for probably one year, maybe two. As for where I will live, I think anyone that works for the castle will live in the castle.”

Mother sighs. “You trust that boy?”

“Yes,” I say simply, knowing deep down that I really do.

“Ok,” she whispers, the skin around her eyes crinkling as she gives me a small smile. “Keri?”

“Yes?”

“He’s rather handsome, don’t you think?” she asks.

That was a question I was not expecting. I grin and shrug.


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1417 Reviews


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Sun Aug 31, 2014 12:02 pm
Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!

I really like how we get to really understand Liam in this chapter. Yes, we've met him before, but now we're getting to see how he really is: kind, caring. It's interesting to see. And of course, it's always important to get inside your characters' heads and lives and really show us who they are.

This conversation that Keri has with her mother is quite interesting. Honestly, I was expecting her mother to be overprotective and now let her go. But she isn't like that at all. She's understanding and finally agrees to let Keri go. I was pleasantly surprised by that and it makes me like her mother a lot even though we just met her.

You've done a good job really explaining the setting to us in this part. Sure, Keri has gone around telling us about how terrible and run down the town she lives in is, but we haven't gotten to really see it until now. I like the way we get to see it and truly understand what it's like. I also like that you used Liam's experiences to describe the town as well. He compared it to where he lives, which really shows the contrast and focuses on how bad off Keri's town really is.

I apologize for the short review, but this part is really great and I didn't have too much to say. Nothing but praise here! I'll get to the next part soon!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




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Sun Aug 24, 2014 4:30 am
Ventomology wrote a review...



Hello there! I hope you don't mind that I haven't read the other parts, but I'm liking how this bit played out, so I'll try to read them.

Anyways, since most of the things I spotted are recurring, I'll just leave it to you to find + fix them.

First: you tend to mix up your verb tenses. That's a pretty common mistake in present-tense writing, but a read-through (either very slowly in your head, or out loud) should highlight those.

Second: Dialogue. It's probably a mixture of un-contracted contractions and a lack of fillers that makes your characters' speech sound stiff. When we talk, we only leave contractions in their full, two-word forms if we're trying to accent one of the words within the contraction. Also, people tend to use fillers like 'uh', and so forth. And on a different note, we like to detract from some adjectives and verbs (i.e: the phrase 'kind of') if we're feeling guilty, or don't want to anger someone. Especially in Keri's long bit about how she met Liam, you might want to use a detracting phrase.

Third: You don't offer much variety in sentence structure. Given the style, and how much of Keri's personal thoughts we see, it's not obvious, but most of the action follows the subject-verb structure. I'm not saying it's bad, but it's good to start off with a dependent clause every so often.

And my last piece of advice: try to add a little more detail about the character's surroundings. I know you've probably already described Keri's home before, but there are easy ways to slip in little reminders. Showing how the setting affects your characters is probably the best way to do this. (i.e: if the home is messy, that would affect how Keri moves around inside. If the floor is wood, maybe it creaks, and so on.)

In terms of plot, I actually really like the story about how Keri and Liam met! I bet she was pretty confused about the whole ordeal, and it's not a bad way to start a story. I feel like Keri's current attraction to Liam, if you intend for it to be followed through, should not have started so soon. Nor should it be so strongly hinted by this point. But hey, if he's deceiving her, you've done a god job setting it up!

Well, that's it from me!
-Bug



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cvandoren1 says...


Thank you for the review! I will try and do my best to fix what you have mentioned. I am glad to have you point of view because no has ever mentioned those things before (except for my tenses of course!). I really hope that you read the other parts! Thanks again!:)




Maybe I should say something quote-worthy, like, I dunno... "You can only be happy if you decide to be happy?"
— Necromancer14