Virgin Sex on the Beach?

VIRGIN SEX ON THE BEACH?

I don’t know why the hell I can’t fall asleep. I don’t know why the hell my underwear feels kind of sticky. Is it from sweat? I couldn’t have had a wet dream because I never fell asleep. It’s not even that late. Well, I might as well tell you what happened tonight. I mean, nothing really special happened. But, that’s okay. I think you’ll hate it anyway, because I can’t write for shit. Maybe it’s because I don’t read enough.

(Mom always tells me I should read more and I tell her that she should too. I know how to read a freaking book; don’t act like I don’t. But I’ve been reading more lately. This one night a few weeks ago, Mom gave me this hard time about buying a book from the bookstore with the money she gave me to spend at the mall. She said, “you shouldn’t be buying any more…” I was pissed the hell off “…books. How ‘bout reading the ones you’ve already made me buy?” I was so sick of this bullshit card she played over and over and over and over again. So I went upstairs, cried for five minutes, went into the bathroom telling myself to stop being a pussy, and started reading the book I’d bought with Mom’s money.

I stayed up late that night, reading and reading and reading and reading, and I planned to finish that sucker all in one shot. I’d show her. But after about a hundred pages or so, I started feeling tired and so I rested the book down on my desk and crawled into bed. Yeah, I just wrote crawled into bed. Shoot me. Sometimes, even pathetic guys like me can enjoy a nice cozy bed in the wintertime. It felt good to get under the covers, because my room was cold as a goddamn igloo. No, actually igloos are warm, aren’t they? I don’t know and I don’t really care. All I’m saying is it was cold in my room. But under my blanket, it was nice and warm. But instead of just enjoying the nice warmth my blanket provided me, I decided I’d jerk it to some internet porn and give myself a nice little night sweat. Damn was it a freaking work out. I mean, yeah, it felt good, but why did I have to ruin that nice warmth and turn it into an oven. When I finished off, I reached out my arm slowly to remove a tissue from the box and found that there were no more tissues left. I already knew that from that afternoon when I was jerking off and had the same dilemma. So I got up, walked over to the garbage pale and removed a tissue hardened from a prior jerk off session. Oh and I meant pail, not pale. But if I hadn’t caught that stupid spelling error it wouldn’t have made much of a difference, right? I mean, seriously. Why is it important that I spell pail the right way? So you’d know what the hell I was talking about? No, you could freaking tell what I was talking about. You knew what I meant when I spelled it pale. The only thing spelling it right does is show the reader that the writing has been edited and all. And that the writer knows how to spell. Basically, so you know the writer isn’t a freaking idiot. But here’s the thing about this: I have already shown you that I’m a damn idiot. So who gives a crap about spelling right? I’ll tell you who. Me. I care about the goddamn spelling. Because I am an idiot. I am.

Anyway, when I woke up the morning after all that crap, I jerked off again and took a shower. And when I came into my room, I took my towel off and started doing push ups on the floor. Yeah, I was doing naked push ups. And for no good reason. Just, I guess, because I was so bored that I felt like doing push ups naked. And when I was finished with that, I started reading more of that book again. It was Cat’s Cradle. I barely knew what the hell was going on for most of the book, but it made me realize how crazy and random some classics are. That’s why I’m writing like this by the way. Because there’s always room for more crap in the toilet called literature. Completely kidding by the way. This is not literature and never will be. But you know what I’m saying. So I was actually kind of enjoying the book and about twenty minutes went by before I heard a knock on the door. It was Mom. Shit, now what the hell do I do? I yelled out, “I’m not dressed,” and she said “What do you mean? I heard you come out of the bathroom a half hour ago.” What the hell was she grilling me for? I could have been jerking it. That wouldn’t have been such a crime. In fact it’s pretty normal after showers for horny teens like me. Horny teenage boys like me who just want to have a grand old time and be the best boys they can be. No, that’s stupid. Then again, a lot of the time, everything down there just kind of shrinks and hardens and doesn’t feel in the mood after a nice hot shower. But Mom’s never had a dick and balls so she wouldn’t know that. So, she shouldn’t be asking me what I’ve been doing for the past thirty minutes in my room. I just answered, “yeah, but I started reading the book and just never put any clothes on.” She was probably thinking yeah, sure. I know what you were doing. You were probably masturbating and staining your blanket and making it all embarrassing when we have company over because your blanket gets all gross and everyone knows what you were doing to make it that way. But I didn’t even care at that point. “Okay,” she said. “Well hurry up and get dressed. We’re leaving soon for brunch.” Oh, I guess I’m holding the whole family up from brunch. I guess I should probably get dressed nice and speedy so no one will be mad at me. What the hell is the big freaking deal? I don’t know. But I got dressed mighty fast).

I won’t drag this stupid story on. All I brought it up for was to tell you how I got back into reading. So anyway, I was going to tell what happened tonight. And point out things that were stupid or funny or sad or weird or whatever. We went to Temple Ahkov for Friday night service. This kid Dale is having his Bar Mitzvah tomorrow. Or actually he’s being Bar Mitzvahed tomorrow. I don’t think Mitzvahed’s a word. Anyway, he’s having a big party tomorrow to celebrate his “becoming a man.” What a load of crap. My family’s ‘friends’ with his, what horse shit, and we’re goin to the party tomorrow. I had my big day a few years ago. It was actually more fun than I expected. I wish funner was a word. But this whole “becoming a man” thing is so stupid. And even though Mom sides with me on how religion is bullshit, she still buys into this whole “becoming a man” business. Like she’ll say stuff like this: “It just made me feel good when you made your speech and read your torah portion. It just…made me feel good, you know? And I can’t really explain that. It really just felt like you were making a transformation that day. I don’t know how else to explain it.” I’ll show you how much of a man I am when I tell you to shut the fuck up because that’s stupid as hell. But I didn’t tell her to shut the fuck up. I just nodded and acted like I kind of saw what she was saying. I hate bullshit. But I must admit: I’m full of it myself. Anyway, this’s what happened tonight. And I’m going to write in the present tense because I like it better. I know I just told you that whole little anecdote in the past tense. Or mostly in the past tense. But I don’t really give a shit. Present it will be.

Dad pulls into a spot between two black cars. They are each big SUVs. Why the hell are SUVs so popular these days? We drive an SUV too. We step out and I realize that my pants fly is open. I zip it up and I see Marissa, my older sister, looking at me as I do it. What are you looking at Marissa? Mind your own manners for god’s sake. Because God’s a good man and he loves us all. And I love God too. I love how everyone loves him and we can unite together as one and worship god together. Oh, wait, we all believe in different freaking gods so that’s never going to happen. I’ll tell you what god I believe in: the god that puts a spell on a bunch of assholes and makes them truly believe that he/she/he-she/it actually exists. I don’t know, maybe I’m missing something. The only reason I went off about the whole God thing is because I said god’s sake, then wondered if it was supposed to be god-sake or godsake, then realized that’s stupid and then wrote a little about God. God damn it, I keep losing my train of thought.

So my zipper’s up, and we’re walking toward the temple. Dad’s wearing this lavender button down and he actually looks kind of nice. Mom’s wearing this shiny black thing. Marissa’s wearing this long purple dress. But not light purple like Dad’s. A darker purple. So I give Dad a little pat on the back and say, “I like your shirt Man. You look sexy,” and I look at him and give him a wink. He looks at me all like you’re crazy but then he thanks me in this goofy voice. I’m just like “Sure, sure.” Mom thinks my comment’s funny. She starts laughing and all then Marissa just rolls her eyes. God you can’t just laugh too Marissa. You have to roll those freaking eyes covered in all your make up and mascara and whatever. I guess eye shadow pretty much.

As we walk onto the sidewalk which surrounds the too-extravagant looking temple Ahkov, these two fat guys are holding these papers. I guess they’re for the congregation. And one of the guy’s looks pretty normal and all, but he has this earing, looks like a real diamond stud in his left ear. Or in the ear on my right. So yeah. That’s his left. And he just winks at me as my eyes meet his. What a weirdo. Dad just smiles at him and in an instant, we’re all smiling very wide like we’re all so happy to see each other...even though this is the first damn time we met these weirdoes. It’s just so great to see them. It’s just a magical moment because that’s what life’s all about. No. I don’t think so. I think not. I think it’s all just stupid as hell really. Why the hell should I act all happy to see these two fat guys who hold papers? Why the hell? Why are they happy? And why am I happy? And honestly, I enjoy the whole smiling thing. I do. Just think it’s stupid as all holy hell is all. Doesn’t mean I don’t like doing it.