CAMERON'S JOURNAL

CAMERON’S JOURNAL

11/15

Two days ago, when I was crossing the road to catch the school bus, I didn’t look both ways and this white pickup crashed into me. Apparently, I was unconscious after that. I woke up in a hospital bed four miles from where I got hit and Mom was waiting in the room outside. I told her to come in when I woke up and there she was. Also, I thought about asking Katy if she wanted to come and visit, but then I realized I broke up with her a few months ago. Silly me. If we were still together, I’d totally make out with her right now because this place is so boring! The food’s pretty sucky here but whatever. At least my broken legs and ribs and other stuff get me out of school. I hate school. It’s pretty boring though here too. And there’s no one to hang out with other than the people that visit me. No, who visit me. That’s like the only thing I remember from SAT class. Use who instead of that in that situation. Oh yeah, SATs in a few months. Maybe I’ll try to slip into a coma before then and get me back into this hospital. Actually, come to think of it, a coma wouldn’t be too bad here. I’d be dreaming about God knows what and I’d be able to be missing school, and I wouldn’t feel lonely. Dreaming and unconscious all day--there’s an interesting thought. Anyway, see you soon journal.

11/22

It’s really starting to get lonely here. How many reruns of reality TV shows can you watch without going absolutely crazy? And I’m surrounded by all of these ugly people. Yeah, these old, ugly people who don’t even talk to me. No one talks to me. I’m actually kind of looking forward to going back to school. At least it will give me something to do during the day. And homework. I don’t even care. I’ll do it. I’d rather do my homework than be cooped up here. This place sucks. I’ll write again in here when I’m out of this place, which will hopefully be by Friday. Oh yeah, today’s Tuesday.

11/27

Today’s Sunday. I thought I would be excited on this night--the night before I went back to school. It’s ironic because I’m really not too fond of school at all, but I’m actually looking forward to getting back into the swing of things. This hospital experience has been terrible. But I can’t lie--I’m nervous to go back. Also, for some reason, I can’t stop thinking that I saw the pickup before it hit me a couple of weeks ago. Like I almost feel like I saw the car and decided to cross the road anyway. And honestly, I wouldn’t be so surprised if I had a temporary moment of insanity and just decided to run out in the middle of the road toward the other side and hope not to get hit, or maybe even hope to get hit. I didn’t look, I know that. But did I see the pickup before I crossed? I think I might have. That’s really messed up now that I’m thinking about it. Oh my god is that messed up. Okay, see you soon.

11/30

School sucks. I thought it would be better being here and having something to do during the day but I guess not. I came back to the same realization I came to earlier in the year that the kids in this school aren’t my type of kids. I just barely or rarely, I should say, get along with anyone. And for some reason, I kind of miss the hospital. I don’t know. It really was lonely there but I kind of miss it. I’d rather be there than here right now. Okay, that’s all I have to say today.

12/10

I got into a fight with this kid named Stan today. He told me to shut up when I was telling this other kid a joke and I took his hand and just gripped as hard as I could. He told me to get off, but soon, his whole hand was all red and I wouldn’t let go. So he started trying to punch me in my wheelchair. Yeah, I’m still in a wheelchair, but my arms are fine. I don’t think I wrote about the wheelchair in here yet. It’s just this big, heavy, metal, cushioned chair on wheels. It’s actually kind of comfy. But I can’t say it’s pleasant rolling around in this thing all the time. Anyway, Stan tried to punch me, and I scratched his arm with my unclipped nails really hard and he started bleeding all over the place. Honestly, I didn’t feel bad at all. I’ve always hated Stan. But after I scratched him, I pulled his neck down and started choking him. I probably shouldn’t have done that, because when the janitors finally came to break up the fight, they walked me to this small room and made me sit by myself until Mom came to pick me up, so I just sat there and felt like I was back at the hospital. When Mom got there, the principle or dean or whoever told her what happened and she took me home. When I was in the car on the way home with her, I just started crying really hard and I couldn’t help it. I really couldn’t. Tears just started pouring out of my eyes and Mom seemed to feel bad for me. I told her that Sam told me to shut up, but I knew that she knew that that wasn’t close to enough to make me go that far with him. She probably knew at that moment that I’ve become seriously messed up in the head. But I really do hate Stan. He’s just such an ass. I don’t know how long I’ll be suspended but I hope it’s for a really long time. Also, I’ve been thinking even more about the white pickup thing and I’m almost positive I saw it right before I crossed. I didn’t look both ways but I remember knowing that it was there because I clearly remember seeing it out of the corner of my eye and crossing anyway. Weird. Anyway, I’m kind of happy at the moment because I’m going to get some time off of school again, but I’ll keep you posted journal. Okay, night night.

12/14

So my suspension is two weeks in total. It wouldn’t be so long if I didn’t choke Stan. He actually ended up going to the emergency room and getting some stitches my friend told me. I guess I really got his eye. I didn’t even write about that part of the fight in this damn journal. But yeah, when I pulled him down, I just took a really hard punch into his eye and my long nails got a piece of his eyelid and he started gushing blood. As long as he’s not dead, I really don’t care right now. I’ve got my own problems. Okay, next time I hope I’ll have something fun I did to write about. Bye.

12/16

I got into this really bad screaming match with Dad today. He just started letting me have it about everything, how I’m screwing up, how I’m this, how I’m that. Then I cursed him out and he got really angry and I went up to my room and hid in my closet until he calmed down. Then, I took a shower and thought about that scene from An Officer and A Gentleman when the main character’s friend hangs himself on the shower I think with a tie and I just started imagining doing that. I even had the image of the tie and everything. I couldn’t get that image out of my head. Anyway, I made the water really hot and just started basically scorching my skin with it. Now my skin hurts really bad. Also, it sucked being in there with the wheelchair because when I turned it really hot, my wheel chair got stuck, and I couldn’t make it colder for about a minute and the water just started totally burning me. I definitely didn’t want that to happen; I only wanted it to happen for a second. I can’t wait to get out of this wheelchair and out of this town. Bye bye.

12/20

Today I smoked pot for the first time with my neighbor from across the street. I knew he was a big pothead and he had the stuff so I went over to his house after school on my freaking wheelchair and asked if he wanted to smoke together. He looked at me kind of funny because I was in the chair, but said sure and I wheeled myself into his house. His parents were both out of town. My neighbor, his name’s Ben, went upstairs and grabbed a bag of it. It was really dark and kind of looked like stuff that comes out of the lawn mower. Then he took some rolling paper out of his pocket and placed it down on a coffee table and then took a little glass thing out of his other pocket and placed that down on the table. He asked me if it was my first time, and I lied and said no. I told him I smoked before with my friend in Cape Cod, even though I didn’t. In fact, the only time I went to Cape Cod was when I was three or four. I certainly wasn’t smoking pot then. But who knows, maybe my parents were. Anyway, Ben asked me what I’d prefer, and I said whatever he thought because he’s the pro, and he told me to hold on for a second, and went upstairs to get a bong from his room. I asked him if his parents knew he smoked, and he said no, but he was really good at hiding it, and he smoked nearly every day. After he set up the bong, he said we should go smoke outside in the backyard, so I wheeled myself outside with him and we started smoking. I took four big hits, and after about a minute, I thought I was going to die right there. I didn’t know that you’re supposed to go really easy the first time you smoke pot. Everything started spinning around and I threw up all over my chair. This was probably the worst day in Ben’s life, because after about ten minutes of this, he called one of his friends to help him tranquilize me. His friend came, and put me out of my misery and I fell asleep for a long while, and when I woke up, Ben told me he texted Mom with my phone, pretending it was me, saying that I was hanging out with Gilbert, my other neighbor (who’s far more straight laced than Ben) and that we were playing the new Halo game on Xbox. I won’t be smoking again any time soon.

12/21

I’ve been thinking a lot lately.

12/22

I think it’s going to be over soon.

12/23

For those of you who are reading this, you probably already have read my former journal entries, and know that I’m extremely messed up and need help. The problem is that I don’t want help. I just want it to be over. Over! I don’t want to write in this journal anymore, don’t want to pretend that everything is fine anymore, don’t want to be in this wheelchair anymore. Mom and Dad, thank you for everything you have done for me and I’m sorry I couldn’t make it work. Katy, please don’t feel guilty about this, because it’s really not your fault.

God, yes you, I know you’re not out there. May I rest in peace. Good bye everybody I know. Soon I’ll be at peace.

****

Later that day, Cameron intentionally maneuvered his wheelchair into the path of an oncoming vehicle and was killed instantly. He was only fifteen.