Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
Chapter 1 : Break-up
The moment I said yes I knew I would regret this. Maybe because I was still not sure if I was ready for him to make love to me. It was Friday night. We were suppose to head out clubbing like usual.
But this ended up on a wrong note. I stepped out of my bathroom with just a thin comfy long top on. I crashed directly into something more like someone’s chest. How can I forget that skinny chest. The way he smelt was safe. Home.
Kissing my lips and dragging me towards bed I knew where this was going..
“ Stop thinking so much honey..
“how can I not..”
He shut me up with his lips. He kissed me softly at first. And the it turned out steamy and intense. His tongue was begging to enter while I was still thinking should I give it. It make more intense I gave up. The way he kissed made me feel good.But isin’t it suppose to be like skipping heart beat like we read in novels and watch on tv?
Well I didn’t have anyone to compare as I never kissed anyone but good.
He dragged me to bed as I hardly was able to walk. Ripped my top open and pushed me flat on bed.
He started kissing me.mouth.neck.hands moving . I could feel him hard through his jean. I didn’t knew whether I wanted to explore anymore. Suddenly I was having second thoughts if this was all right. Because he knew I was a virgin and I didn’t wanted to lose my virginity to a person I was not 100% sure about. I had a choice. So I made one.
“ No wait ..
“ What now? I’ve been patiently waiting for you to accept me in all ways
possible. I want to be deep inside you! Hard big thickly deep inside you so you
could feel me in every fucking way possible. I.Want.You.
“ No its not that.. I Just cant do this. Move now. I have a lot in my mind
going on right now. “
“ohh no you don’t.”
“yes. I do. Are u going to rape me ? Is this the man I think I loved. I can’t believe it!”
“do you seriously think I would do that? Rape you? Is that what you want to get fucked real hard and fast by my big john uhh?!”
Ya he calls his dick John. I loved John Abraham and his body. And now I hate the name so much. He knew I would surely get turned on with this sex talk. Honestly I did get turned on but I needed to think rationally at this point because I didn’t want to get knocked up with a baby as he believed he would pull out his “big” john before he came. Which I truly did not believe. And I never need to take any pills till this point. He started pulling his pants down. I could feel him real hard. I knew as soon as he pulled his pants down there was no way.
“ I pushed him back hard on floor”
“ what honey!? You do not want me mad! Do you?”
“I do not want to do this. Its early for us. Its only been a few months we started dating..”
(8 months to be exact)
“I’ve had enough of this bitch. Enough.”
He pulled my long hair and his hand was around my neck pushing me down . what a dickhead. He seriously thought I would give him a bj.this time I pushed him hard. And then I didn’t knew where it came from. *smack* directly on cheek. I felt like I couldn’t hear for a moment. And then it stung. Terrible pain shot up my cheek and there were already tears on my face.I summed all my energy up. Wiped my tear. I am rhea. I take not shit from people like him! I jumped on him and took him by his face digging in my long nails. He yelled out soo loud. Suddently I realized my nails where full with his blood.
He shook me so hard that I fell on the ground and hit my ass so bad. Oh god. It was gonna have bruise soon.
He grabbed all his stuffs and said “You are a big cock block! I wonder if your even Straight!”
(oh crap! Ladies and gentlemen this is how new rumors are made up!)
This isin’t over yet rhea. I will come back.
He walked out of my room such when I heard my room mates came back from a frat party.They were always big into going to frat parties and meeting new people. I heard them rushing to my room.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hello, Tia. Wolf here for a review.
First things first, I notice a lot of grammar issues in this. For instance, sometimes the spacing after punctuation is a little iffy, and what I mean by that is sometimes there is a space before the punctuation , like so, or there is no space at all between the period and the next sentence.That can make it slightly hard to read, or just distracting in general. Another thing, is occasionally you'll forget punctuation, like a quotation mark missing here and there or commas missing, etc.
So, you have a good opening sentence. Though that is a common one, it's still effective. Usually a sentence like that makes the reader question what is it that the narrator is going to do. What is it they are going to regret. However, usually an strong opening sentence is not enough to keep a reader's interest. A strong paragraph should follow that and then usually the reader is hooked. That is kind of what was lacked. Especially the last two sentences felt a little choppy and out of place.
I kind of feel like most of this was really rushed into, as Arctic mentioned, and if they were really dating for eight months, I doubt the guy would try to rape her. It's possible, I agree, but if he were going to do it, it's more probable that he would try to do it earlier in their relationship, like one or two months at the latest.
Lastly, as Arctic also mentioned, try to develop your characters a little bit more so we can be drawn more into th scene. If we identify with one character, then it makes everything much more intense and enjoyable for the reader. It will also make them more relatable and realistic. For example, the man that tried to rape the MC doesn't really seem to have a good motive for trying to do so. I don't even really recall seeing one, so I assume it's because he's fed up with her refusing. Back to the time frame, if he's willing to wait eight months, I'm pretty sure he can wait another day. Just an observation.
I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, but I'm just trying to help. Don't be discouraged, since I see you have potential and you have plenty of room to improve. Keep Writing,
~Wolfare~
Hiya, Tia! Here to review~
Okay, so I'll start off with what I liked about this piece. The fact that it showed a strong kind of girl was good, and already from just a little piece I can already tell quite a bit about Rhia's character, not so much of the man, though.
As for improvements, firstly, a few specifics:
This sentence doesn't really make sense, I'm assuming the 'but' is meant to be an 'as'.
Never use chatspeak in your writing, unless you're trying to show texts or something like that.
Same this with the chatspeak.
I really don't think 'dickhead' is the right word to use here, I mean he is being abusive and close to raping her, I think that's a bit of an inappropriate word. I reckon she'd be more scared than anything, perhaps hurt that the man she loves is being so cruel to her.
This needs speech marks as it's the man talking, and don't forget capital letters for names!
Other things to mention is the fact that I feel the whole scene just escalated very quickly. I mean, that is kind of what you what in a story, but here it's all a bit confusing because we know nothing about the characters. It sort of just jumps right into the sex scene, which is really weird to read- she clearly doesn't want to have sex, but she doesn't seem that fussed at him forcing her. I think you need to show her being more hurt, distraught etc.
Also, there were no real descriptions of anything, I barely know what the characters looked like or the place they were looked like. Not that you have to reveal everything straight away, this is the first chapter, but there needs to be something so that the reader has more of an idea what is going on.
This chapter is called 'Break-up', but I don't think it shows them really breaking up- unless her refusing to have sex with him is the break up. Basically, I feel no empathy towards either of the characters right now, I can't tell why Rhea loved/loves this man because all I am seeing is an abusive side to him, this needs to be explained more.
Overall, I think this has loads of potential, but try and focus on describing things more, and adding more dimensions to your characters. I hope this review helped, feel free to ask me any questions, or if you'd like another review on anything- and let me know if you post another chapter up!
Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
First of all i love your name!
thank u soo much ! it was very insighful! really needed that!Wll make some changes!
i want to publish it some day so this review really helps! also if i could contact you somewhere where i can send u the rest would be nice to hear your take over it. i really need some help. so far 10pages i've written. i write when i can because i am in middle of choosing a profession. So its hard for me to keep. my friends are really very supportive as they motivate me alot at times of need! So ya. i dont hav that many points to publish more.