Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
She attacks me. Wraps her freshly shaven legs around my waist and grabs my shoulders. Rubs my back and licks my cheek. Sucks my tongue and removes her skirt. Removes her underwear. So do I. We’re each naked.
She reaches into a box underneath her bed. Opens it. A shoebox. Pulls out a box within the box that says Trojan. Attacks the box. I watch and wait. Touch myself and try to ready. Reaches into Mr. Trojan and I hear a tear. Off goes little Trojan. Another tear. Out comes a soggy balloon-looking ring of rotten jelly rubber. Hands it to me. I try to put it on. It goes on. I roll it down. The little bubble is on the wrong side. Damn it. Reverse it. But nope, can’t use it now. It could have just touched some little fishies who want to find an egg. Reach into the box to grab another dead jellyfish. By the time I remove it and tear open the packet, I’ve lost my umph.
I throw out each of the two pieces of old, smelly saran wrap dipped in olive oil. Put my boxers back on. Get under the covers and put my head on the pillow. She comes up from behind and puts a hand on my chest. Rests a bare foot on mine. It feels warm. Maybe my foot’s just cold.
“It’s okay Baby,” she half-whispers.
I’m embarrassed. My eyes close and I replay the scene in my mind. Almost, almost, almost, but no. This is the third time that it’s happened. I feel ashamed. Another whisper from her.
“When we do it, it’s gonna feel so good.” She begins to kiss me. I don’t feel like kissing, but I don’t have much of a choice. Lay below her naked body. Continue to be attacked.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
'We’re each naked.' - I think 'each' should be 'both'.
'Touch myself and try to ready' - there should be a 'get' between 'to' and 'ready'.
'“It’s okay Baby,”' - there should be a comma before 'Baby' and usually terms of endearment like that don't have capitals.
Other than that, I loved the short sentences. It all happened really stammeringly which helped the reader get a sense of how the guy was feeling. Everything was happening so suddenly and fast that he doesn't have time to describe it properly. Just as one thing happens, something else happens which conveyed the feeling of drowning really well.
I can't relate to this at all, but that's not your fault, so I won't say anything about the subject matter. Hannah's done that already anyway.
I just really wanted to let you know that your sentence structure brought your point across really well.
I would suggest maybe a little more about why the boy is with the girl. Does he actually like her? Did she pressure him into the relationship? Stuff like that. I can see she's pressuring him into sex but I'd like to know how he feels about her romantically.
Well done
Thanks a lot for the feedback:)) If you want to read a short story about a troubled adolescent, check out the new story I posted called Cameron's Journal.
Okay, this it not a review yet, but I am so glad that you shared this piece. I remember struggling a lot with being able to have sex for the first time, so to be able to see that described in a piece of writing by another person is affirming and I bet a bunch of young writers would love to see and relate to the emotion in this piece. I'll be back later for a review, but for now: thank you!
Since you liked this one, check out the new story I posted when you get a chance Cameron's Journal. I think you and the rest of the commenters on this piece might like it:))
Hey there! Scarlet here to review.
Yeah, yeah I know. Review day is over but I just can't help myself!
Nitpicks first...
- Short sentences that could be extended, also a few issues with punctuation.
When I saw the title, I thought... 'Well, this looks innocent enough' wrong!
I found It rather humorous and It made me laugh a whole lot.
He seems to have a little trouble with.. Mr. Trojan. *clears throat*
Besides that, this was funny and I kind of pitied the poor guy.
You did a wonderful job and I really hope to read more! ( Errm, sounded wrong but you know what I mean. )
High five! Or not...
Sincerely, Scarlet; Reader, Writer, and Reviewer
Thanks for the feedback:) When you get a chance, check out the new one I posted called Cameron's Journal:)