Why hello there! I have just returned from a very hot day in Wonderland. There's no air-conditioning there, but the Mad Hatter poured me some lovely tea. I was almost curious to ask him what kind it was, but who knows what is used in Wonderland.
Enough about me, how about you? Shall we start?
Jason lunged for his brother, tackling him around the middle and throwing him to the floor. Nathan groaned with pain and rolled onto his stomach, trying to push himself to his feet. His knee caved from beneath him, sending him reeling into the hard floor. He lay on the floor at Gillion’s feet, blood flooding once more from his nose. Gillion pulled free a slick black sword from his belt, raising it above his head. Fear struck through Anica as her eyes darted to where Jason and Miles struggled a few feet away. Nathan get up! Her mind screamed. There was nothing she could do; she’d just get in the way. Mystic began to race towards them, her dark eyes full of rage. Nathan’s eyes flew open as Gillion brought his weapon down, rolling to the side and narrowly missing him. An arrow flew through the air, striking the older man in the knee. He howled with pain and fell to the floor, holding his leg as blood spurted from it.
Well, I don't want to make a review too long, so I'll keep this short as I can, which probably won't be. This first paragraph is very nice, so I just have a few nitpicks on it. First, Jason is tackling the middle of his brother, but even though I can assume that it would be around the stomach area, tell us where it is, be more specific. Also, a person is more likely to lunge at person than for them, in a sense that they are fighting. So, in other words, 'Jason lunged at his brother. He tackled him around his stomach and threw him on the floor.'
Then, when Nathan groans and rolls to his stomach, he is more likely to do it at the same time. Yes? I am thinking so at least. So, 'As Nathan groaned with pain, he rolled onto his stomach. With one hand clutching his stomach, the other tried to push him to his feet through its trembles.' See how it can fit like that?
Then with the same theme (or something) going on, the rest would be like so... 'But his knees cave beneath him and send him reeling into the hard floor once more. He lied on the floor at Gillion’s feet and blood flooded again from his nose. Gillion pulled free a slick, black sword from his belt and raised it high above his head. Anica's eyes widened and her breath fell short with fear as her gaze darted to where Jason and Miles struggled a few feet from her. Nathan get up! (<---Italicize that) Her mind screamed. There was nothing she could do; she’d just get in the way. Mystic began to race toward them, her dark eyes blind with rage. Nathan’s eyes flew open as Gillion brought his weapon down. He rolled to the side and the sword narrowly missed him. An arrow flew through the air. It stuck the elder man in the knee. He howled with pain and fell to the floor, holding his leg as blood spurted from it.'
Kind of like that. That's how I would change it. It keeps tenses together and shows more of what the people are doing, rather then just telling us.
Anica gasped with surprise and she turned to where Will stood, a bulky recurve bow in his hands.
You can show imagery so well, especially in the parts of just action and no dialogue. So show the reader how Anica gasps in surprise, a basic few words that show us her facial expression. Sure, you can tell us some things, so that the story progresses, but right here, just after all that imagery, it would be nice if it would go down slowly, instead of abruptly.
Gillion’s eyes went dark with fury.
Gillion's eyes darken with fury.
Will drew his lips back in a furious sneer. “No. What I shouldn’t have done was give you that girl in the first place.”
Will drew back his lips. He sneered loudly. "No. I shouldn't have given you that girl. That was my only mistake."
Will held Gillion in place, his eyes a sinister brown.
You often mention the change in the eyes, which isn't necessarily bad, but sometimes it seems overused. It's like you limit the changes a person does to what's on their face. I'm sure, even though they're injured that you can put in fury, sinister actions, (these are just the ones that you used that first came to mind, not quite saying that these specifically need changing) and all the like that you've used to hand movements, like fists or a step that a person could take. I.E. you could make one of your characters, for example Will (only because I saw his name first) could take a step, warding Gillion to stay away. Of course that doesn't fit with the current situation between the two, but I think you get what I mean.
Also, you often mention eye color after the adjective. To put details like that in the middle of a tense scene, it draws the reader away from the situation. It's honestly not that relevant, sorry. That is, unless it's a new character that's just appearing. For my novel that I have up, I mention little details like that even though a fight scene is coming up because he is a new character. On the other hand, even if the character is new, if he/she is going to come back relatively soon, then I can mention it then instead of in the fight scene. I haven't quite published that part on YWS, but I think it's in the next chapter or the one after that if you want to take a look.
In other words, I guess I'm saying this in the long way, is that things like eye color, which means little fact, should be put in in a nonchalant way. That way it will keep the reader reading full on without pulling them back. I know that it's only one word, but you have a repetitive streak of it, so I thought I'd mention it.
And if you want to get help on adding these things, it might help to look at my first chapter. I'll tell you when the one chapter that's similar to yours I was telling you about not that long ago gets put on YWS, so you can see how I put in eye color and such with a tense situation, without overdoing it.
Anyway, I've said probably way too much for one small sentence, so let's move on!
She knelt beside Nathan, wrapping her arm underneath his underarm, pulling him up, pain shooting through her as her arm was jolted.
You have a long sentence here, with lots of commas, so you can split this in two. 'She knelt beside Nathan, wrapping her arm around his underarm. As she pulled him up, pain shot through her when her arm was jolted.'
Together, she and Alice dragged Nathan backwards, their breath coming out in loud gasps.
'Together, while she and Alice dragged Nathan backward, their breaths gasped loudly.'
Gillion’s eyes followed them, dark with aggravation and rage.
With all the mention of how practically everyone's eyes were dark with something, you can just take it out right here and put it as, 'Gillion's eyes followed them.' If you want to continue using that theme of dark with something, then try using a synonym for dark, you seem to use the word a lot.
They stopped once they were safely out of range of Gillion’s weapon, laying Nathan down gently. Alice dropped to the ground beside him while Anica’s dark gray eyes traveled to where Jason and Miles still struggled, the two brothers identical in the shadowed light.
'They stopped when they were outside Gillion's range, and gently lied Nathan down. Alice dropped to the ground beside him while Anica's eyes traveled to Jason and Miles struggled. The two brothers shined identically in the shadowed light.'
Maybe you're starting to get the idea of what I'm saying, and I don't want the review end up too long, mainly for your sake, so I'll just say two more things.
One, you have at least one instance in which you have a you're as your. It's not big deal, but I just glanced back at it.
Two, (this is what I really wanted to say, it was originally only going to be one more thing I'd mention) when you use things like eyes, the way the mouth is, and such, you tend to have a extremely repetitive thing going on. There's a lot of eyes look at him *with* fury, mouth curves *with* hatred, and stuff. Okay, you may not have those quite exact sentences in there, but what I'm getting at is that you use a lot of "<body part (eyes, nose,mouth)><what body part does(glance, stare, look)><person> *with* <adjective(fury, hatred, benevolence)>" Of course, in this chapter there really isn't all that much in benevolence, but it's one of the first adjectives that came to mind. See, you can have the ~body part, what it does, person, adjective~ things, it's actually quite general, but the way you use with so many times is very repetitive. Though, I think I kind of rambled the point off, so I hope you got it.
Look forward to you next chapter!
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Reviews: 13
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