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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The Wayfaring: Chapter 6: Into the Storm (Revised)

by Sillia


Chapter 6: Into the Storm

Dragons and legends...It would have been difficult for any man not to want to fight beside a dragon.” Patricia Briggs

Jason lunged for his brother, tackling him around the middle and throwing him to the floor. Nathan groaned with pain as he rolled onto his stomach, trying to push himself to his feet. His knee caved from beneath him, sending him reeling into the hard floor. He lay on the floor at Gillion’s feet, blood flooding once more from his nose. Gillion pulled free a slick black sword from his belt, raising it above his head. Fear struck through Anica as her eyes darted to where Jason and Miles struggled a few feet away. Nathan get up! Her mind screamed. There was nothing she could do; she’d just get in the way. Mystic began to race towards them, her dark eyes full of rage. Nathan’s eyes flew open as Gillion brought his weapon down, rolling to the side and narrowly missing him. An arrow flew through the air, striking the older man in the knee. He howled with pain and fell to the floor, holding his leg as blood spurted from it.

Anica gasped with surprise and she turned to where Will stood, a bulky recurve bow in his hands. Her face was tight with astonishment, her gray eyes wide and her mouth a dark 'o.'

“I wronged them once. I’m not goin’ to stand here and let you kill that boy.” His voice shook with guilt and anger.

Gillion’s eyes went dark with fury. “Shouldn’t have done that.” He growled.

Will drew his lips back in a furious sneer. “No. What I shouldn’t have done was give you that girl in the first place.”

Will held Gillion in place, his eyes a sinister brown. Anica raced forward, Alice at her side. She knelt beside Nathan, wrapping her arm underneath his underarm, pulling him up, pain shooting through her as her arm was jolted. Alice threw his other arm over his shoulder as he staggered to his feet, leaning heavily on Anica. Terror shot through Anica as he went limp against her side, his shaggy brown- now caked with blood- falling forward to cover his face. Together, she and Alice dragged Nathan backwards, their breath coming out in loud gasps. Gillion’s eyes followed them, dark with aggravation and rage. They stopped once they were safely out of range of Gillion’s weapon, laying Nathan down gently. Alice dropped to the ground beside him while Anica’s dark gray eyes traveled to where Jason and Miles still struggled, the two brothers identical in the shadowed light.

Jason grunted with fury as Miles dug his knee into his stomach, pain shooting throughout his body. He grabbed a fistful of his brother’s black hair, jerking it backwards. Miles howled with pain as he reached for his belt, his hand fastening on a dirk that he kept hidden beneath the waistband of his trousers. It flashed as a ray of sunlight filtered in through the doorway, blinding them all momentarily. Jason’s scream of pain filled the air as their vision came back. Anica’s eyes darted to him instantly, trepidation striking through her. Alice covered her mouth, a stifled squeal slipping between her fingers.

Jason was straddling his brother’s chest, blood pouring from a gash in his upper arm. Miles struggled beneath him, Jason’s bloody hands pinning his arms to the ground. Dark blood streamed down his arm, staining Mile’s dark clothing with shadowed blotches. Rage filled Jason’s blue eyes, and for an instant, Anica could see a flash of Miles in him. The dirk lay a few feet from them, the bloody blade dark as it sat in the shadows. Jason’s mouth was a hard, thin line, his rage tight with barley controlled anger.

“If you ever,” Jason spat every word, his body trembling. “Even think about hurting them again, I swear on the Goddess Miles, I will not hesitate to kill you.”

Miles’s eyes went wide with fear. “You’d kill your own brother?” He breathed.

Jason grabbed him by his shirt, pulling him up to him, their faces inches apart. “You’re no brother of mine.”

He threw Miles to the ground, standing and picking up the dirk, walking slowly to where Griffin still lay, holding his wounded arm. Mystic growled at Gillion, her ears flat and her body tense. Gillion’s dark blue eyes danced with anger, his hand twitching for his sword. He fixed his eyes on Will’s angry and terrified face, pointing a slightly withered pale finger at him.

“You will regret this.” He rasped. “My Lord will take vengeance on you for getting in my way.” His eyes traveled to Anica and Nathan. “Don't think your safe girl. He will come for you as well.”

A shiver ran down Anica’s spine. Griffin’s eyes fluttered open, his skin sickly and pale. “J­- Jace?” He coughed, crying aloud with pain as a spasm over took his body.

Jason stood in front of Griffin, his eyes locked with Miles’s as the boy pushed himself shakily from the floor. Betrayal shone for the first time in his eyes. “You care more about him then you ever did about me.” His voice slipped past gritted teeth.

His words startled Jason. “Miles?”

Hatred began to brew inside Miles, his eyes locked on his brother’s. “Him.” He gestured to where Griffin lay behind them. “You’ve never tried to protect me. Never. You always say you didn’t want this life for me, but you never tried to take me away.” Pain rang through his voice, filling the room and taking Jason’s breath away. “Every kill that I made- and make, is on your hands Jason. You care more about people you just met then your own kin.”

Shock filled Jason’s face. “Yeah,” he agreed, “Especially when my ‘own kin’ tried to kill me!” He took a step towards his brother, lowering the dirk slightly. “Miles I asked you to come with us! Back in Griffin’s barn! You denied me. I’ve done nothing wrong.”

Miles shook his head, sadness filling his voice. “You’re my brother Jason. My twin. I- I was scared.” Vulnerability shined in his voice, and for a moment everything disappeared around them. “You still left me. Whatever I become now is because of you.”

Jason said nothing, his arm throbbing beneath his hand. “Get outta my house.” Will’s gruff voice broke the silence.

Gillion grabbed Miles under his arm, ignoring the boy as he tried to jerk away. “Come Miles. There’s nothing of value here.” Pain slithered through his voice as he leaned heavily on the younger boy, limping out of the barn.

Will did not lower his bow until they were out of shooting range, sweat appearing along his brow. Alice ran to him, throwing her arm around his middle and crying into his chest. Anica dropped under Nathan’s weight, crying out slightly. She cradled his head against her chest, his blood caking her hands.

“Nathan.” She said softly. “Hey Nate, come on. You gotta wake up.” Her voice broke slightly.

Nathan’s eyes fluttered open weakly, “Anica?”

Her eyes shone slightly with tears as she looked up at Jason, “He’s okay.”

Jason nodded, slight relief spilling threw him. He turned and fell to his knees, pressing his hand to Griffin’s forehead. “Now you’re turn Griffin.” He said softly. “Nathan’s okay. You gotta be too.”

Griffin tried to shove him away weakly. “I’m okay.” He coughed again, pain shinning in his eyes.

Will pushed Alice away from him gently, starting to make his way to Jason and Griffin. “He has a fever. Let me see ‘im.”

Mystic’s black head whipped around, her white muzzle pulled back in a snarl. “The dog speaks for me.” Said Jason as he slowly stood, pointed the bloodied dirk at the Stable Master. “I appreciate what you did for us, but if not for you we wouldn’t have been in this mess. I don’t know ‘bout them,” he gestured towards Anica and Nathan. “But we’re out of here. I can take care of Griffin.”

Will’s eyes darkened slightly. “Never said you couldn’t.”

Anica looked between them, Alice cutting her off as she opened her mouth to speak. “Anica, Jason, please. Stay. Nathan and Griffin,” She paused, running a hand through her thick brown hair. “They need care. You cannot care from them on if you always looking over your shoulder. That man- Gillion, he’ll expect you to leave. So why don’t you stay? We could hide you here.”

“No.” Anica’s voice was flat. “It’s not your fault Alice.” She added quickly as the girl’s voice fell. “It’s your father’s. I told Nathan we shouldn’t have stayed here and I was right. We’re leaving with Jason. Don’t try to stop us.”

A few hours later they were on their way, Anica’s arm in a sling and Jason’s wrapped tightly with a starched white fabric. Nathan’s face has been cleared of blood, though his nose was still a dark purple, as was his knee. His hazel eyes were a little more alert, though his mind was somewhere else as he clutched Dusk’s reins. Griffin sat shakily in his saddle, his face pale and his eyes clouded. His bright red hair was slick with sweat, his hands woven deep into Spirit’s mane. Jason helped Anica mount her steed before walking to River¸ bending down a wrapping his arms around Mystic’s middle, lifting the wriggling dog onto the mare. River trotted forward nervously, shaking her mane in a silent protest.

“She’s not used to Mystic.” Griffin said weakly.

“Shut up will you.” Jason muttered.

Griffin gave him a small smile as he mounted River, sitting tall in the saddle. Spirit whined and paced forward a few steps, his dark body equipped with a new black leather saddle. Alice and Will stood beside them, regret shinning in Will’s brown eyes. Nathan shook his head, brining himself out of his revere. He looked down on Will, his face carefully blank.

“We’ll be seein’ ya.” Will said, offering his hand to Nathan.

His eyes went cold. “I’m afraid you won’t.” He turned to Alice, dipping his head to the girl.

She gave him a small smile. “Be safe, all of you.”

Nathan nodded and looked eyes with Anica. She gave him a small smile and he slapped his reins against Dusk, spurring the horse forward gently. Anica followed beside him, Jason and Griffin behind him. Jason’s blue eyes were carefully pinned on Griffin, worry shooting through him for the injured boy. For the first time, he noticed the gently pointed ears that poked out from beneath Griffin’s hair. He narrowed his eyes slightly but said nothing, turning his head reluctantly back to the back of Anica’s head. Anica had changed into borrowed clothes from Alice, now wearing a dark green tunic and black pants. Her cloak was fastened to her shoulders, bellowing out behind her as she rode. The horse’s hooves clattered against the cobble as they rode towards the gates, lush storm clouds gathering above them. The rolled in quickly from the south, covering what was once a clear blue sky. Anica frowned slightly but shook her head, her blond hair falling free of her green ribbon. Dusk held his head high, his white body standing out against the wooden buildings. Rusted iron lamps stood along their path, street signs directing people to various parts of the city. The guards nodded to them as they rode from the city, their armor dull in the gloomy light. A plain grass field stretched out before them, the road turning from cobble to dust beneath them.

“Jason.” Nathan called back.

Jason cast a worried look at Griffin before he rode forward, falling into place beside Nathan. “Yes?”

“I hope you won’t be offended if we part here.” He pulled his horse in.

“What?” Jason spluttered.

Nathan’s eyes were hard as ice. “We have nothing against either of you, but Anica is right. We shouldn’t have stayed. We must get home as soon as possible.”

“Nathan,” Anica began.

He shook his head, his shaggy brown hair falling into his eyes. “Don’t Anica.”

Jason sighed slightly, slouching in his saddle. “I understand.” He said softly.

Nathan nodded, “This is good-bye then.” He offered Jason his hand. “Good luck.”

“And to you too.” Jason replied, shaking his hand.

Rumbling filled the air as they drew apart, rain falling down onto them. “It’s raining” Anica said, her voice yielding.

A shadow fell over them, the rumbling growing to a roar around their ears. The horses whined and Dawn reared, her hooves flashing with a burst of lighting. Anica yelped with surprise, wrapping an arm around her mare’s neck.

“Nathan we have to get out of this storm!” She yelled as the rumbling increased. “The thunder’s spooking the horses!”

Nathan began to nod as Griffin spoke, his hauntingly quiet voice breaking through the rumble. “That’s not thunder.” His eyes were fixed on the sky.

They followed his gaze to where a black shape was circling the sky around them, jets of fire breaking through the clouds. A ghost of a smile tugged at Jason’s lips. “It’s a dragon.”


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Mon Jul 21, 2014 10:17 pm
AliceWonderland wrote a review...



Why hello there! I have just returned from a very hot day in Wonderland. There's no air-conditioning there, but the Mad Hatter poured me some lovely tea. I was almost curious to ask him what kind it was, but who knows what is used in Wonderland.

Enough about me, how about you? Shall we start?

Jason lunged for his brother, tackling him around the middle and throwing him to the floor. Nathan groaned with pain and rolled onto his stomach, trying to push himself to his feet. His knee caved from beneath him, sending him reeling into the hard floor. He lay on the floor at Gillion’s feet, blood flooding once more from his nose. Gillion pulled free a slick black sword from his belt, raising it above his head. Fear struck through Anica as her eyes darted to where Jason and Miles struggled a few feet away. Nathan get up! Her mind screamed. There was nothing she could do; she’d just get in the way. Mystic began to race towards them, her dark eyes full of rage. Nathan’s eyes flew open as Gillion brought his weapon down, rolling to the side and narrowly missing him. An arrow flew through the air, striking the older man in the knee. He howled with pain and fell to the floor, holding his leg as blood spurted from it.


Well, I don't want to make a review too long, so I'll keep this short as I can, which probably won't be. This first paragraph is very nice, so I just have a few nitpicks on it. First, Jason is tackling the middle of his brother, but even though I can assume that it would be around the stomach area, tell us where it is, be more specific. Also, a person is more likely to lunge at person than for them, in a sense that they are fighting. So, in other words, 'Jason lunged at his brother. He tackled him around his stomach and threw him on the floor.'

Then, when Nathan groans and rolls to his stomach, he is more likely to do it at the same time. Yes? I am thinking so at least. So, 'As Nathan groaned with pain, he rolled onto his stomach. With one hand clutching his stomach, the other tried to push him to his feet through its trembles.' See how it can fit like that?

Then with the same theme (or something) going on, the rest would be like so... 'But his knees cave beneath him and send him reeling into the hard floor once more. He lied on the floor at Gillion’s feet and blood flooded again from his nose. Gillion pulled free a slick, black sword from his belt and raised it high above his head. Anica's eyes widened and her breath fell short with fear as her gaze darted to where Jason and Miles struggled a few feet from her. Nathan get up! (<---Italicize that) Her mind screamed. There was nothing she could do; she’d just get in the way. Mystic began to race toward them, her dark eyes blind with rage. Nathan’s eyes flew open as Gillion brought his weapon down. He rolled to the side and the sword narrowly missed him. An arrow flew through the air. It stuck the elder man in the knee. He howled with pain and fell to the floor, holding his leg as blood spurted from it.'

Kind of like that. That's how I would change it. It keeps tenses together and shows more of what the people are doing, rather then just telling us.

Anica gasped with surprise and she turned to where Will stood, a bulky recurve bow in his hands.


You can show imagery so well, especially in the parts of just action and no dialogue. So show the reader how Anica gasps in surprise, a basic few words that show us her facial expression. Sure, you can tell us some things, so that the story progresses, but right here, just after all that imagery, it would be nice if it would go down slowly, instead of abruptly.

Gillion’s eyes went dark with fury.


Gillion's eyes darken with fury.

Will drew his lips back in a furious sneer. “No. What I shouldn’t have done was give you that girl in the first place.”


Will drew back his lips. He sneered loudly. "No. I shouldn't have given you that girl. That was my only mistake."

Will held Gillion in place, his eyes a sinister brown.


You often mention the change in the eyes, which isn't necessarily bad, but sometimes it seems overused. It's like you limit the changes a person does to what's on their face. I'm sure, even though they're injured that you can put in fury, sinister actions, (these are just the ones that you used that first came to mind, not quite saying that these specifically need changing) and all the like that you've used to hand movements, like fists or a step that a person could take. I.E. you could make one of your characters, for example Will (only because I saw his name first) could take a step, warding Gillion to stay away. Of course that doesn't fit with the current situation between the two, but I think you get what I mean.

Also, you often mention eye color after the adjective. To put details like that in the middle of a tense scene, it draws the reader away from the situation. It's honestly not that relevant, sorry. That is, unless it's a new character that's just appearing. For my novel that I have up, I mention little details like that even though a fight scene is coming up because he is a new character. On the other hand, even if the character is new, if he/she is going to come back relatively soon, then I can mention it then instead of in the fight scene. I haven't quite published that part on YWS, but I think it's in the next chapter or the one after that if you want to take a look.

In other words, I guess I'm saying this in the long way, is that things like eye color, which means little fact, should be put in in a nonchalant way. That way it will keep the reader reading full on without pulling them back. I know that it's only one word, but you have a repetitive streak of it, so I thought I'd mention it.

And if you want to get help on adding these things, it might help to look at my first chapter. I'll tell you when the one chapter that's similar to yours I was telling you about not that long ago gets put on YWS, so you can see how I put in eye color and such with a tense situation, without overdoing it.

Anyway, I've said probably way too much for one small sentence, so let's move on!

She knelt beside Nathan, wrapping her arm underneath his underarm, pulling him up, pain shooting through her as her arm was jolted.


You have a long sentence here, with lots of commas, so you can split this in two. 'She knelt beside Nathan, wrapping her arm around his underarm. As she pulled him up, pain shot through her when her arm was jolted.'


Together, she and Alice dragged Nathan backwards, their breath coming out in loud gasps.


'Together, while she and Alice dragged Nathan backward, their breaths gasped loudly.'

Gillion’s eyes followed them, dark with aggravation and rage.


With all the mention of how practically everyone's eyes were dark with something, you can just take it out right here and put it as, 'Gillion's eyes followed them.' If you want to continue using that theme of dark with something, then try using a synonym for dark, you seem to use the word a lot.

They stopped once they were safely out of range of Gillion’s weapon, laying Nathan down gently. Alice dropped to the ground beside him while Anica’s dark gray eyes traveled to where Jason and Miles still struggled, the two brothers identical in the shadowed light.


'They stopped when they were outside Gillion's range, and gently lied Nathan down. Alice dropped to the ground beside him while Anica's eyes traveled to Jason and Miles struggled. The two brothers shined identically in the shadowed light.'

Maybe you're starting to get the idea of what I'm saying, and I don't want the review end up too long, mainly for your sake, so I'll just say two more things.

One, you have at least one instance in which you have a you're as your. It's not big deal, but I just glanced back at it.

Two, (this is what I really wanted to say, it was originally only going to be one more thing I'd mention) when you use things like eyes, the way the mouth is, and such, you tend to have a extremely repetitive thing going on. There's a lot of eyes look at him *with* fury, mouth curves *with* hatred, and stuff. Okay, you may not have those quite exact sentences in there, but what I'm getting at is that you use a lot of "<body part (eyes, nose,mouth)><what body part does(glance, stare, look)><person> *with* <adjective(fury, hatred, benevolence)>" Of course, in this chapter there really isn't all that much in benevolence, but it's one of the first adjectives that came to mind. See, you can have the ~body part, what it does, person, adjective~ things, it's actually quite general, but the way you use with so many times is very repetitive. Though, I think I kind of rambled the point off, so I hope you got it.

Look forward to you next chapter!




Sillia says...


Thanks for the review!



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Mon Jul 21, 2014 10:08 pm
r4p17 wrote a review...



Knight r4 here for yet another review, Sillia. It took you a while to post this. :P. But then again your chapters are normally longer than most. I certainly hope this helps you! I can't wait to see what happens in this chapter. Just to let you know, you should label this for violence.

wrapping her uninjured arm underneath his underarm,
I would recommend not using so many words with the "un" prefix in the same phrase.

Jason grunted with fury as Miles dug his knee into his stomach, pain shooting throughout his body. He grabbed a fistful of his brother’s black hair, jerking it backwards.
Hehehhe. That is an unconventional tactic, though I guess it works. In the following sentence though, I think I would change Miles' apparel from shorts to trousers or leggings because in medieval times people wouldn't really wear shorts. :D

“Do not think yourself girl
I think you meant to say "Do not think you're safe girl." I would also change Do not to don't.

Hatered began to brew inside Miles,
You made a minor Typo here.

You cannot care from them on the run.
I suggest that you reword this sentence and add some diversity into it.

I am confused. I thought that Jason was wounded! But later on in the chapter he seems okay.

Overall I liked this chapter and look forward to reading more. Happy writing!!! :D




Sillia says...


Thanks for the review! and no Jason was the only one not wounded at the begging of the chapter xD




"I never expected that I should be a queen so soon."
— Alice's Adventures in Wonderland