Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
Game OnLevel 1.3
Resse and Kern walked speedily ahead of me. At times I had to jog in order to keep up with their long legs.
Godamit! We’re only five one! Little Alison huffed.
Abruptly, Resse stopped at a metal door. The door slid open at Resse’s motion and he indicated for us to go inside. The room was greyishly bare. A single window and two neatly made beds were the only things occupying the chamber.
“This shall be your room for the duration of this journey: room three-oh-eight, floor six. Remember it,” commanded Resse.
“Six, three-zero-eight,” I mumbled to myself.
“We should be heading back to Ourium by tomorrow night.” Resse was half way out the door. “I’ll have someone bring you refreshments.”
The door shut behind him with a whoosh. Sitting on the bed to the right, I let out the biggest sigh my lungs could handle. Kern stood still, his arms crossed.
“What do you think happened to the others?” he asked.
The question surprised me. “You don’t think they’re still-”
Kern cut me off. “No, if they were here we would’ve found them by now,” he rubbed his chin in annoyance. “Maybe there in this Ourium place,” he suggested.
“Wherever they are…I hope they’re okay.” I crossed my legs and hugged my shoulders.
Unexpectedly, Kern burst into a fit of manic laughter. I looked up at him with a face of misunderstanding.
“We’re actually in a game.”
He put his hands over his face. “Yet we’re sulking around as if-”
“As if we were ripped from our homes!” I put my hands over my mouth. I was supposed to say that, it was supposed to come from the unheard mouth of Little Alison.
My bad. Little Alison stuck her tongue out and smirked.
Kern stared at me, surprised at my outburst. “You…you’re right.”
He flopped down on the bed beside me. “How…how are we gonna get home, Ally?”
“W-why are you asking me?” I stammered, worried I would get my own and Little Alison’s words mixed up.
“You’re the expert this on game. Do you have some idea?”
Up until then I hadn’t given it any thought. Going home was the last on my list of worries. I then started to wonder how long we were unconscious. The white void seemed to last only a few minutes but it could have been weeks, months, years-
Don’t think like that! Little Alison scolded me. At the most we were knocked out for an hour!
Thoughts of a panicked Mum filled my thoughts. No doubt, she would have called me a thousand times.
“Ally?” Kern snapped me away from my woes. “You do that a lot.”
“Do what?” I asked, coming back to reality.
“Space out.” He sat up and rubbed his head.
“I like to daydream,” I lied.
Pfft, scoffed Little Alison. Daydream. Ha. You just convers with a figment – a figment that mocks you.
I elbowed her in an attempt to quiet her. She wouldn’t stay quiet for long, she never did.
“About what?”
“Eh?”
“What do you daydream about?” Kern asked, rolling his shoulders.
Looking towards the window, I tried to avoid Kern’s eyes. “Nothing in particular.”
Kern got the hint that I didn’t want to talk about it and swiftly changed topics. “I hope you daydream about a way outta here.”
It was then a light bulb clicked on in my mind. There really was apparentily one way out of here.
“The boss!” I stood up, excited that I had made myself useful. “When you finish the last boss battle then the games over. That must be how we get out of here.”
“How will we know what is the last boss though?” questioned Kern.
I looked down as my excitement faded. “I…I dunno.”
The door to our small room slid open and a tall dogwomen stepped in. Her features were hardened into an uncaring look, she seemed more intimidating than Axile.
Do these dogpeople only have one emotion: hate?
The women carried a reflecting platter which held a jug and food packets. As if we didn’t exist, she walked right past us and set the tray on the small table by the window. When she turned to leave Little Alison pointed to her stomach. I raised an eyebrow at her.
You don’t see it? Of course you don’t. She’s pregnant!
Little Alison was right, I couldn’t see it. Her stomach was flatter than my own. In fact, she was envyingly lean. There was no peeking bulge at her belly which showed any signs of a child growing.
You really don’t see it?
I mentally told Little Alison we’d talk later when we were both alone.
“The prince requests your presence in the throne room.” Her voice was gruff and rigid. “Head there after you’re done.”
She left without even looking at us.
What a bitch.
Kern went to the tray and opened up one of the food packets. A creamy paste oozed out of the tare and onto his fingers. He cursed as he tried to stop the paste from going onto his sleeve.
“Ah, crap!”
He slapped down the packet and brushed off the paste. The both of us were stunned when Kern rolled back his sleeve exposing his arm. There were two pale scare like lines down his arm.
“Wha…what the fuck are these!” he said, in a panic. “I wasn’t hurt at all! Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.”
I grabbed his arm. “Clam down Kern,” I said with a steady voice.
I touched one of the lines – they were definitely scars. They stood out proudly pink against his dark hairy arm.
“What happened?” he asked me, rubbing at his arms as if they would just wash away.
Check your own arms, Ally. Little Alison informed me. See if you have them.
I rolled up both of my sleeves; they were smooth like butter.
“You really have no idea how you got those?” I asked, pushing down my sleeves.
“Jeez, you’d think I’d remember something like having two slash marks on my arm!” Kern barked, causing me to flinch. “Sorry…I didn’t mean-”
“You’re scared…I get it.”
They’re not new scars anyway; whatever did that did it a long time ago.
“You’re right,” I said without thinking.
“Right about what?” asked Kern.
Immediately, my face flushed scarlet with embarrassment. “Eh…about remembering something like that.”
Nice save, Little Alison scoffed.
“What if…” Kern sighed. “What do you remember? I mean after that blackout?”
I stuck my thumb in my mouth and bit at the nail. “A white void. At first I thought I was just floating…then…then I started to plummet downwards. You?”
“The same thing…kinda. I didn’t fall, I just stayed mid-air.” He sat back down on the bed and picked up the packet. “I remember hearing someone.”
“A voice?”
“Yeah.” He squeezed out some of the paste into his mouth. “Stuff taste like piss. Ugh.”
Kern made a face of disgust and I poured him some water to rid the taste. He gulped the water down and let out a relief filled sigh.
“I don’t remember what it said…it was something important…damn it.” He pushed the glass to his forehead.
“T-that’s not important right now,” I said. “We’ll figure this out later, right now we just need to play along.”
Nice pun, Ally, Little Alison chuckled.
Ignoring her I pour some water for myself. “Let’s just head back to the throne room and talk to the prince…Ashi…whatever.”
Gently, I put the glass to my lips and let the water run down into my throat. My mouth was relieved to finally become moist again.
“Good idea,” Kern snapped up to his feet and headed for the door.
After setting down my glass on the platter, I scurried to follow Kern as he strolled out of the room and into the hallway. Kern said he knew the way back to the throne room but the fact that I had to ask for directions twice, made me reconsider if he really did. Eventually, we made it into the throne room. Axile stood at the door impatiently waiting for us. He unfolded his arms and stood straight when we approached.
“I take it you got lost?” he said, not hiding the irritation in his voice. “Did Conie not give you directions?”
“Conie? The women who gave us the water?” Kern said, before shaking his head. ”No, she just gave us a tray, told us to come here then left.”
Axile sighed. “Damn women.” While he did hiss out his words in frustration, there was a smile creeping onto his mouth – at least I thought it was a smile.
Axile opened the door and walked inside with us following him. Ashi stood at the throne again, his eyes seemed to be searching for something.
“Ah,” he looked up at us. “Thank you, Axile. You may return to your post.”
Axile nodded and quietly left the room. Ashi then stepped down from the throne and strolled around the room, with his hands clasped behind his back.
“In Ourium – my home world – we have a tradition, or so to speak,” he looked up at a painting. “Every one hundred years three people are chosen. No one can predict who these people are, fate has randomly selected them – whether they like it or not.” Moving onto look at another painting, he sighed the last part. “Since this tradition began they have simply been called ‘The Three Threes’,” he turned to face us am smirked. “Not the brightest of bunch but the name has stuck.”
Is this guy on some kinda crack? Little Alison asked, with a raised eyebrow.
“It has been almost hundred and one years since the choosing of the previous Three Threes. The First Third has been chosen…but the others…they remain hidden.”
He stood in front of us, his eyes flipping between myself and Kern.
“You think we’re the others?” Kern asked.
“I have a suspicion, but please let me finish,” he turned on his heel and continued his stroll.
He wasn’t done with his speech?
“Each of the Three have their own unique ability. The First: incredible speed and agility. The Second: strength which could rally a thousand bulls. And the Third...” He stopped and had a look of puzzlement on his face. “The Third is strange. Each decade the power changes. There’s no way of telling what the Third will be able to do.” He stood in front of the throne. “I am the First.”
I felt as if we were supposed to gasp in amazement but Kern and I merely stood and coughed awkwardly. Sensing that we weren’t as amazed as he hoped, Ashi smiled at us.
“To answer your question: yes. Each century there is a new ‘way’ to tell who part of the Three is.” Ashi bent down and lifted up his right trouser leg. Underneath the tight leather was a single scar, which traced from his ankle all the way up towards his thigh.“This is the way. A scar, branding your number.”
Kern couldn’t pull up his sleeve fast enough to show Ashi. “It’s me! I’m the Second.”
Oh, good for you! Little Alison said, cynically.
Ashi let go of his trousers and rushed over to Kern’s arm. He took two of his fingers and traced them down the pink lines. They glowed. The scars brightened, at Ashi touch, into a happy orange colour. Once Ashi dropped Kern’s arm the glow diminished.
Ashi looked at Kern with wide blissful eyes. He grabbed Kern into a big hug before yelling, “Axile! Axile! Get in here!”
At the prince’s command, Axile entered the throne room. “Yes, mi’lord?”
“We have our Second! We must speak to Resse. Where is he?” Ashi struggled to get the words out quick enough.
“Last I saw him he was going to check on things at the bridge; you should find him there,” Axile informed.
Ashi turned Kern around and hooked his arm around his shoulders. “Then we’ll head there. Resse should know of this news.”
Kern looked back at me nervously. Shrugging my shoulders, I tried to give him a reassuring look.
“Alison!” Ashi looked at me. “Wait here, we’ll return shortly.”
Ashi left with Kern hooked into his arms.
I stood alone in the throne room – well, not totally alone.
Well that was crazy.
“You can say that again,” I mumbled into the room.
How could you not see that woman…what was her name? Conie! How could you not see that baby? Little Alison asked, franticly.
“How should I know,” I snapped, a headache brewing at my temples. “The better question is how could you see it?”
Little Alison was silent for a moment. I don’t know. But she is pregnant…that I’m sure of.
“You’re making a strange observation, the woman was thin,” I said, walking towards the small step which held the throne. “When I’m pregnant I hope I looked that good.” I sat down on the step and pushed my chin into my palm.
Without other people the room seemed even larger than I first thought. As I sat there alone but thoughts drifted. At first it was to my mother. I prayed she’d be okay and not too panicky about my disappearance. Then it shifted to Kern who looked so startled as Ashi pulled him away. Finally, my thoughts went to Jason.
Oh, please. Little Alison scoffed. You’re a hormonal mess, y’know that? Thinking about boys, pfft.
“Shut up,” I barked. “It’s not like that at all…it’s just a stupid crush; it’ll go away soon.”
Hopefully sooner rather than la-
Little Alison was cut off as I heard a commotion coming from outside the throne room. Snapping to my feet, I strained my ears trying to listen. It sounded like voices. They came from the mouths of boys who were just going through puberty. They grew louder and louder until three boys exploded into the throne room. Swiftly, I scurried to hide behind the throne. They didn’t notice me at all.
There were three boys, two of them were twins. The twins looked perhaps around the ages of seventeen. They had blond straw-like hair which sat on their shoulders. I was surprised that they could even see through their sharp bangs. They were chasing the other young boy.
“You can’t just get away with it!” one of them yelled.
“Would you just calm down,” said the other twin, trying to calm down his brother.
The youngest of the three raced towards the throne and I feared he would find me. Trying to better conceal myself, I pushed my back against the hard throne.
“Calm down, did you see what that little brat did!”
“I-it…it w-was an a-accident,” stammered the youngest.
“Accident or not, that was my best tunic, you’ll pay for it you little-”
An sense of urgency swelled throughout my being. I didn’t know what possessed me to do it but I did. I stepped away from my hiding place and begged Little Alison to give me an ounce of her confidence.
“Hey!” I called. “Leave the kid alone!”
The kid being chased spun around and looked right at me. In that instant my breath was taken from me. He was so young, so fragile, so weak, so…
Like lookin’ into a mirror, huh?
He had a smooth baby face. The type of face you wanted to smother with kisses and cuddles. His dark hair looked like coal and was in a desperate need of a trim. He looked up at me, his ‘saviour’, with optimistic blue diamond eyes.
“Thank you,” he mouthed as he sprinted behind me.
The angry one of the twins took a step forward and I stretched out my arm, shielding the baby faced boy.
“Who the hell do you think you are?” he hissed.
“For goodness’ sake, Alon!” His calmer brother stepped in front of him. “Just let this go. I’m sure Bal will find a way to make this better.” He looked at the baby face. “Won’t you, Bal?”
The boy sheepishly nodded behind me.
“See. Now will you just let this go,” the calm brother said.
A little less infuriated, the angry brother looked from me to his brother. “Fine,” he sighed. “But that little bitch better apologise for her tone.”
The way he snapped at me caused all my borrowed confidence to fade. My strong stance began to quiver. The boy behind me noticed this and put a hand on my arm. I looked at him and his warm sun like smile erased my nervousness.
“Why should I?” I said, with every piece of strength I could muster. “You were threating him; I had to do something.”
“She has a point, Alon.” The calm twin grabbed his brother’s wrist.
“Get off, Roi!” snapped the angry twin, pulling away his arm. “Just who the hell are you anyway?”
“My names Alison Amell. Prince Ashi took me in.”
Both boys looked taken aback by my statement. The calmer twin looked at me and gave an honest smile.
“I’m Roi Coras. And that hot-head over there is Alon – just ignore him” He said the last part behind his hand.
“Oh, shut up!” Alon hissed, before turning on his heel. “C’mon, Roi. I wanna get away from these kids.”
Roi waved at us as he smiled. “We’ll see you later.” He turned and followed his twin brother out of the room.
The door closed with a whoosh and I was left with the boy. Slowly, as if creeping on a deer, I turned around to face the boy. I opened my mouth to say something but I was silenced by the boy. “Thank you!” he yelled. “I thought they were gonna kill me!”
The scent of cherry rose up from the boy’s hair and into my lungs. The sweet fragrance reminded me of Mum’s perfume. He looked up at me with a twinkle in his eyes.
“Did Ashi really pick you up?” he asked.
I nodded. “Me and my friend, we…we were on that desert place.”
“How did you get there?” he questioned, stepping on the platform.
“We-” I stopped, remembering the amnesia story Kern had lied about. “We can’t remember. We don’t remember much from before then.”
“Really?” he playfully swung his arms from side to side. “Alison, that’s a pretty name. Are you related to Cordela?”
“Cordela? No, I don’t know any Cordela,” I said, with an eyebrow raised.
The boy shrugged his shoulders. “You have the same family name: Amell.”
“Your name is Bal, right?” I asked, remembering what the twins had called the boy.
“Bal is my nickname – everyone calls me it. My real name is Baliroius Aslanto.”
Aslanto. The second name rang a familiar bell in my head. It took me a moment before I finally placed where I had heard the name before.
“Are you Ashi’s son?”
The boy did have a resemblance to Ashi. They shared the same deep blue eyes and dark hair.
At my question the boy stifled a giggle. “He’s my uncle.”
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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All right. TOday I will not be playing the part of Grammar Nazi, porcupinestrongwill has that covered. Listen to her advice, most of it is good. Today I can actually talk about the story.
Some questions first.
1) Is Alison a physical person or does she only exist in Ally's mind, a second alison? I just can't tell.
2) Are they in a video game? Or a tournament of some kind? That was not explained.
3) Are they on earth? Are they even humans or another race like the dog people?
Now for some ideas.
If they're in a video game then it would be cool to incorporate some digital or programming elements into it (I'll wait for you to confirm it is a video game before sharing further ideas.)
If they arn't in a video but hteir own world then pelase PLEASE expand on it. SHow us their religions, their beliefs. Show us where the magic comes from and who gave the three three's their powers.
As far as villains go you should have somebody try to capture three of the three three's and try to duplicate their abilities for either militaristic or criminal intentions (I'll leave you to decide what those means are, because I don't know what else is going on in this world. factions, territories, resources, objects of desire etc.
That's all I got for now. I'll be following you kiddo.
hullo, Niraco. i've noticed that your work has been up for a few days but still doesn't have a review, so here i am to do just that.
#008000 ">technical errors
i believe rather than italicized, the line should be in quotation marks. Little Alison "huffed" the words after all; she didn't not think them. but if there is a legit reason for this, then so be it. (UPDATE) so Allison only communicates in telepathy. cool.
there could be a pause there.
it's better if you repeat who's talking. especially since he's not the only guy present.
be very careful with dialogue tags when there are a bunch of characters who may potentially join a conversation. it's easy to confuse readers.you may add "I said" here, but indicating the POV holder is surprised and promptly releasing a dialogue, it should be assumed that the narrator is talking.
i've noticed you like using the "dramatic" pause for sentences starting off with adverbs. maybe you already know this, but i'd still like to mention it: not all sentences starting with adverbs needs a comma after the adverb. in fact, using a comma (in a strict sense) are only for "introductory words/phrases." but, of course, your usage is acceptable-- using a comma unnecessarily after an adverb in the start of the sentence adds a dramatic effect. just take note that it can end up annoying to readers, so i suggest use sparingly.
i think "I took a seat on the bed to the right and let out the biggest sigh my lungs could handle" would be better. if you indicate motion directly instead of squeezing it into an introductory participle (that's a participle, right? or i'm sleepy?) would be better.
"He put his hands over his face" is not a dialogue tag. don't connect it to the previous direct quotation.
i see no reason for the italicization. why not add motion instead of emphasis, like, "I said through my gritted teeth."
maybe "turned on" would be better.
wait, the third what?
commas are really unnecessary, but if you insist fine.
if Ashi has some kind of Asian accent and "wi-ther" is how he pronounces "whether" then put a hyphen or something.
mouthed or not, this should be in double quotation marks, like the ones you use in normal dialogue.
#008000 ">thoughts
i didn't like this: the POV is first-person-- unless s/he's an omniscient witch or is looking in the mirror, s/he wouldn't see herself/himself. try to express how it feels like to throw a "face of misunderstanding" instead, like "i squinted at him, feeling the middle of my forehead scrunch (i know, my examples are awful, but i hope i'm communicating." plus, it's a vague statement. what does a face of misunderstanding looks like? it's different for each people. some are impassive looking, some still might gape, and so on.
nice one.
lol
haha. i enjoy Little Allison's punch lines.
the characterization was a bit bland for the protagonist. Alison doesn't have a steady character. like, she's so unpredictable in a way that she'd do things randomly - not a good thing. but i like Little Alison. she's so witty, and her character makes sense (though i'm still confused as to what/who she is).
at first i thought i was reading a short story; then i realized there was no complete plot, so i checked the category and found out this is a novel. what chapter is this? sadly, because i haven't read anything prior to this, i can't really elaborate on the plot on a whole. all i can say is the story is interesting, but you have to work on your narration.
keep writing,
porcey xoxo