Young Writers Society

This article definitely needs to be read by the whole world. I like both quotes you've mentioned. And yes, the 'beauty' theory is very true. The sad thing is, even when people KNOW what real beauty is, they still can't bring themselves to be nice to so called ''ugly'' people. :/

Anyway, good job! I would normally suggest being more creative in writing, but I like the simplicity of this article, so......

Keep it up.

Mysticalxx

Hey, Chips here with a review.

Well, what an inspiring essay you have here. It has a good message and portrays some issues that people face on daily base, concerning self-image and acceptance by society. However I do have some suggestions for this article, which may be of help to you.

I'll give specific details of areas of improvement then give a general overview on the article.

"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart."

-Kahlil Gibran

I like how your essay began with a quote, which was focused to the initial points to make. But this quote was not the main focus throughout your article, you tended to jump from idea to idea.


"Beauty is an illusion, a facade. It is a false impression imposed into our minds by our society.

What do you mean by beauty?

According to Oxford dictionary, it means-

Combination of qualities that delights the senses or an attractive feature or an advantage."

I liked how you used a dictionary definition for evidence. But due to the formatting and lack of paragraphs at the beginning, it is unclear where exactly your introduction begins and ends. Presentation of an article is equally as important.

"But we have our own rendition of beauty and people who we consider beautiful.

According to us, it means that someone who is pleasant to look at, or someone with the perfect looks in addition to a perfect figure.

WRONG."

Instead of, "rendition", I would have simply used the word *idea* it fit more. In your second line, "According to us" which "us" are you referring to? You need to generalize less and be specific about your audience, since not everyone may have the same opinion on the definition of what beautiful means to them. Articles should be less personal when its not the conclusion, if possible. I would also avoid using a word all in capital letters in an article it's informal and somewhat patronizing.

"This, is what we perceive beauty as, because this is what we've been taught by the society and its mediums."

I feel like I've probably read a line similar to this on numerous occasions. Perhaps changing up some of the words?

"You may be white black, brown or yellow, it doesn't matter. You all are beautiful. Yes, every single one of you, no matter which religion, caste, region or ethnicity you belong to."

Stating colors of people may not be appropriate to everyone so be aware with essays that you have a wide range of audiences. It began to sound almost like a motivation speech, keep the formality constant but it did have a nice message to it.

"You don’t have to be fair skinned to look good. You are beautiful just the way you are, and you don’t require any boys of face creams to tell you that."

Here, being "fair-skinned" to look good is a bit of a bias opinion as it varies, tan skin is more preferable in many places, so to avoid bias and personal opinions you could even state places and statistics of the complexion preferable to different places. The second line is fine. But I would remove the second half of it, "you don't require any boys *or* face creams to tell you that", its another bias statement as not everyone bases their beauty on that, if you want to keep it you could say who has this view mainly.

"It has created a misconception and put us under a false impression that beautiful women are those who are tall, pretty and fair-skinned, with a good complexion and a good body in addition to all this."

Here, it would be even better if you gave media examples; such as magazine pictures or articles relating to this, famous women on TV who may fall into this category etc..

"And when we look at these “beautiful women” we crave to be like them."

Here, you should be more specific when referencing "we", because I'm sure men don't exactly want to look like "beautiful women".

"And in a desperate attempt to fulfill our desires we blindly follow what we’re shown and unknowingly we are lured into a vicious trap."

This began to sound like a story as there is no evidence shown. Here, it would be even better if you gave examples or evidence of when the attempt to look, "beautiful", backfires on people e.g. disfigurements resulting in attempt to look like celebrities/ or desirable. You could have even shown how its detrimental to health and how it ruins a person's mind psychology and self-esteem.

"Remember guys that beneath these ounces and ounces of make-up and plastic surgery lies a woman just like you and me"

I would avoid informality in essays as highlighted in the beginning of your line, "Remember guys" Perhaps, *Take into account..* Something along those lines.

"Face covered with pimples, frizzy hair and a dis-proportionate body."

This again, is a bias and personal statement which does not apply to every woman, some women have naturally clear skin, straight hair and a proportionate body but may still have low self-esteem so consider that also.

"The society has made it a sin to be fat."

Which society are you referring to? The Young Writers Society? Just kidding.. but you need to be more specific for more clarity in essays. Also this sentence felt like you're starting a whole new concept, from beauty to weight.

As an overview, I think this essay could have been shorter since some sentences were more or less repetitions but differently phrased said already in some lines. You needed more paragraphs. This read more like a motivational speech as oppose to an essay, perhaps that is what you were going for? If an essay is what you intended you need to avoid being bias and personal throughout and give evidence or examples for each statement you make, also some statistics when appropriate.

I hope this review didn't seem to harsh, it had the best intentions to help you. Hope it helped. Keep writing! This has potential.

--Chippy.

Hi supernb! This is Pink for a review(:

This article is amazing! It really made me happy to see that not all people think in a different direction! What you wrote was true and beautiful! I love how you share to this world about real beauty. Your wording is great and your grammar didn't seem off! I'm glad that you wrote this article and super super happy!

In elemantry school, I was often bullied by the popular kids about being a different race and having pimples and being weird. So it was hard dealing with this, I'm glad you could express the meaning of beauty. You don't know how much I love it! I've probably repeated myself in this review many times... Oops! Sorry... Hehehe!

Your writing is great! I hope you can write more articles and such like this!

Best wishes and have a good day/night!

-Pink♥︎

Hi, supernb! Anabelle here for a review.

So, I cant argue with the fact that the topic you chose to write about is undoubtedly true and speaks to every single person out there. The only issue with that is that I didn't read anything I've never thought of before. We are now starting to realize that society has put their standards for the way we (women, in particular) should look and those standards are too high - they can never be met. Because of that, countless articles, essays, and speeches have been written to empower young people and tell them that our society should not dictate what you do and what you do not look like. I guess my point is that there was nothing original here. If you feel so strongly about this topic (which I believe you do) then just pour everything out. Don't be afraid to say something that has never been said before or to say something that might be controversial. You have a wonderful talent and I would just love to see more of you in this. Make it real, gritty, and raw. Get mad about this!

Other than that, this was a well done essay. Keep doing what you're doing.

XOXO
Anabelle

Hello! KatyaElefant here to review! Yesh! Something that I am good at! Articles and essays! Let's see what we have here...

I have to write articles and essays for school all the time, so I will try to help you with all the knowledge that I have. I feel like this article could be organized better. You should not organize your paragraphs by how many sentences they have in them. Rather, you should organize them with a main idea in mind. Some paragraphs should have 7 sentences and some should have 12. It really just depends on what you are trying to do there.
"This, is what we perceive beauty as, because this is what we’ve been taught by the society and its mediums. But what we really should have been taught is this-" You should never ever start a sentence with and, but or because. This is because these words are used to connect sentences and not start them. This is just grammatically incorrect. (Just something that I noticed randomly). I don't know how you organize your essays and articles, but I would like to suggest a way that might be helpful.

Sample Format for an Argumentative Essay:

Introduction:
First sentence: Hook
Second/Third/Four (ect) sentence: Moves on to thesis.
Last sentence: Thesis. (This includes 3-4 reasons and what you are claiming)

First/ Second/Third Body Paragraph:(with these body paragraphs, you must have these parts but you can and should expand on each of these.)
Introductory sentence: What is this paragraph about? (One of the reasons in the beginning)
2nd sentence: Definition (What is this)
3rd sentence: Example
4th sentence: Argument (Even though, beauty does show how healthy you are........)
5th sentence: Transitioning to next paragraph (This one you don't have to have)

Concluding Paragraph: conclude everything that you have stated into 5-8 sentences. For the last sentence, leave the reader thinking about something. (Are fashion models REALLY beautiful? )
Okay. So now I am done criticizing. Let me tell you that you have done a great job with stating your opinion. I can see that you were really interested and want everyone to know that this what you think. This makes the article a lot more interesting. You did a great job. Keep writing!