Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Horror

18+ Language Violence

CHapter 5- The Fiery Angel and Blinding Lion

by GeoCha


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

Midday eyes widened as she became amazed. "Just who the hell are you?" Midday questioned the girl as her eyes squinted. The girl then responded in her young sweet, high voice."I'm Galgaliela, the righteous little girl of fire and I'm going to burn you all like the pieces of ash you guys are."

Xezbeth's face began to fill with sweat as he said,"It's getting hot in here too, why am I burning up." Mara and Midday began to sweat as well. 

"Midday, get away from her, I think she is raising the temperature in this room by a great deal, we have to stop her," Mara screamed as he puffed up his shirt hoping to cool down. Midday looked back at Mara and Xezbeth, and then to the girl and said,

"Imma kill you, you little witch." The little girl smiled and replied, "Get in line whore." The girl then waved her hand to the side that sent Midday flying, with flames engulfing her arms. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, get this fire off of me, ahhh," Midday said as her pain raged on, and she ran from side to side, flames engulfing her arm and blood leaking.

"I'm too young for this, I really didn't sign up for this shit," Xezbeth said as he attempted to run at the door.

"Oh no, you won't get away now," Galgaliela said as she waved her hand, causing the door to close with flames engulfing around it. "I will kill you all now, you guys have been a pest for too long," Galgaliela said as her eyes became fire, and her arms became engulfed in flames. "Let the fun begin," Galgaliela finished as she brought both her hands down to the floor, engulfing the inside of the house in flames in just a matter of seconds that made the house a fiery red terrain.

"Crap, I'm going to have to reach her face," Mara said quietly to himself. Mara then proceeded to run at Galgaliela only to be disrupted when he was close by a whirl of fire that kept him captive.

"Ha, you condemned fools are weaker than I thought, it's disappointing you guys killed Michael," Galgaliela said with a faint smile. In the background you could hear Midday scream in agony as just her arms stayed on fire. Xezbeth noticed this and thought it was weird.

"You could control fire completely, even preventing it from spreading right?" Xezbeth questioned Galgaliela. She looked at him with her fiery red eyes and replied,

"Yes, I'm the master of fire, not that that info matters because soon I'll kill you all," she said with her high pitched voice.

She then proceeded to breathe out a smoke of fire that engulfed around her and took the shape of a fire angel with a sword on its hand. Mara was still engulfed in his fire prison, silent and vulnerable, while Midday screamed and eventually fainted from the pain. "It's time for your death now, starting with you," Galgaliela said as she pointed her en-flamed sword at Xezbeth.

"Well, I'm guessing my powers won't work on you, so yeah, this is where I die," Xezbeth said as he proceeded and went on his knees, face facing the ground.

Galgaliela then proceeded to say the words, "Ignis de caelum." A huge flame then proceeded to fall from the sky and everything became red before Xezbeth eyes.

"It's over," Xezbeth said, but before his life vanished before his eyes, he heard the roar of from appeared to be a lion that was followed by a flash of light that blinded Xezbeth and ultimately ended all the flames around him. "Ugh, what's going on, damn it, my eyes." Xezbeth quickly got up and witnessed a man, about six feet with a brown complexion, toned body with two inches of hair on his hair. He was covered in a toga and began to speak.

"Galgaliela, you know the orders were not to kill them but bring them in for Rafael, they are to be subdued."

Galgaliela frowned and replied, "Fine, but we could of gotten another trio, we didn't need these guys specifically, you always ruin my fun Ariel." Galgaliela said this as she stomped her feet on the ground, leaving the house. To Xezbeth's suprise, the house didn't appear burnt or damaged anymore wiht no signs of arson, and Midday and Mara appeared fine but were unconscious.

"You guys are powerful," Xezbeth said.

"Yes, yes we are, my name is Ariel by the way, named after the lion angel, I cleared the house and your friend's wounds, you could thank me by coming with me safely and sound." Xezbeth knew he stood no chance and decided to give in.

"Ok, I'm all yours," Xezbeth declared. Ariel smiled and replied "good," as he flashed his hand in Xezbeth's direction, causing a ray of light that blinded and knocked Xezbeth cold.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
200 Reviews


Points: 240
Reviews: 200

Donate
Thu Jul 10, 2014 9:19 am
EmeraldEyes wrote a review...



Hi.

So this was a nice short piece.
Some of the character names were a bit complicated for me to pronounce in my head, so I just shortened it to "Beth" when I was reading.
The main problem with this is that the new lines of dialogue aren't on new lines, they're just melded in with the description and it wouldn't be like that with a professional novel so I would suggest changing that and spacing it.
Also, you will be surprised at how much longer the work will become when you do that. XD
Here for instance, is an example of where everything is bunched up.

"Oh no, you won't get away now," Galgaliela said as she waved her hand, causing the door to close with flames engulfing around it. "I will kill you all now, you guys have been a pest for too long," Galgaliela said as her eyes became fire, and her arms became engulfed in flames. "Let the fun begin," Galgaliela finished as she brought both her hands down to the floor, engulfing the inside of the house in flames in just a matter of seconds that made the house a fiery red terrain.


It just wouldn't be formatted like that in a book.

Also, I know swearing and whatever adds character, but I wasn't sure how necessary it was in this work. XD
I would maybe consider taking some of the bad words out. Up to you.

Keep writing!




User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 275
Reviews: 6

Donate
Tue Jul 08, 2014 12:35 am
FantasyWriterGirl15 wrote a review...



The last sentence of the first paragraph should go along with the second paragraph, [The girl then responded in her young, high sweet voice. “I’m Galgaliela, the ….] it just makes it flow better. Same with the others like this. You want the dialogue tag to go along with the actual dialogue, otherwise it’s not right.

You shouldn’t use the asterisk when you curse. Either use the actual curse word, or don’t. Don’t try to sensor it like that, as it isn’t professional. You drop the word ‘said’ too much. We understand that they’re speaking, but you should change it up a bit, to prevent repeating yourself as much, and to add extra spice to your writing.

In the fifth paragraph, the ending of your last sentence doesn’t make sense. […flames engulfing her arm and blood leaking.] Blood leaking from what? An injury? You need to be more specific here.

Otherwise, I thought it was pretty good. Good luck with your story!





Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.
— Albert Einstein