I’m going to read this as a script since it’s written in such a format. So with that, here comes a crash course on scriptwriting:
First, a general note about style. In your descriptions you cannot state how a character feels or say something abstract like “lies asleep in the hospital bed fighting for her life.” You need to be direct. Remember if this is a script, the actor will be reading and acting it out, and they need exact action, not actions left to interpretations. You can't have them going like "um how does one fight for her life against leukemia?" in the middle of the scene. You need to give them the actions to... well act out. I know it sounds dumb and literalistic, but it’s just how acting directions are written.
Or another example: “Her body seems weak and lifeless, entirely dependent on the IV tubes embedded in her skin.” Will have to be turned to: “She is thin and her skin is pale with IV tubes embedded in her arm.” You know, very literal, very visible, so the people working with your script (actors, make-up artists, lighting specialists, etc.) know what to do, and exactly what to do, and how to set up the scene.
Or this: “Sesame Street to distract Daniel from his mother but the beeping sounds of the heart monitors are the only sounds that he can hear.” You just say the TV shows sesame street.” And then you describe the actions. (and this comes in caps because you haven’t mentioned him before and caps show the actors when they are to enter the scene)
“DANIEL isn’t looking at the screen, his eyes are cast on the floor as he listens to the machine beep.”
Another reason you can't say it is because "to distract." It's a verb, but who is the actor doing this? Sesame Street is not a person so it cant act out distraction. Are you starting to see how directions work? You have the agent (usually actor), the action, and its result as a core in the text.
“The monitor rings in his ear as loud as the sirens on a passing fire truck.” You can’t say this either, unless he’s actually having a flashback or imagining a scene with a truck that will be shown on the screen.
Just think about it this way, every single word in a script will have to be shown on the screen, so you need to write it in a way that it can be shown. It’s very literal, very direct language with no fancy literary devices, metaphors or allegories. It’s an instruction manual so to say.
((what starts out as muffled cries turn into uncontrollable sobs) you just put crying in brackets right under the name, then the dialogue on the next line.
I will overlook the particular formatting issues since the editor isn’t too kind to those, but generally the names need to be justified in the middle. Same for bracketed emotes. They also have to be separated from the dialogue.
(he asks with saddened eyes.) To (sadly) under his name and before the line.
In scripts, emotes are not tags, they are just the mood/appearance the actor needs to emulate while speaking the lines.
“It’s obvious that she is fading away.” How is it obvious? Again, you need to be very visual. Describe exactly what is happening to her, she breathes heavier, her skin turns even paler, the beep of the machine slows, etc.
After scene two title tag you have another one that doesn’t really make sense. It's already stated that it's interior (also you need to put the time of day, like day or night or even the hour if that is relevant). Or do you skip a scene there?
Read your dialogue out-loud, make sure it sounds natural.
“Then something miraculous happened.” Again. No. This can’t be interpreted in visuals or actions.
Now before the actual script you have a few lists of general plot and character descriptions, there you’re free to write in any style you want as long as the story comes across.
Scripts are very different stylistically and language wise than novels. In novels, you need prettier, more subtle prose, and what you have, would have fitted a novel. To turn it into a script, however, you need more work. You have to simplify it a lot, throw out all the pretty lines, and make the action very clear and very direct.
It’s all about the perspective. Imagine you are telling people how to show your story to other people. You need to be very clear, very simple, which is hard, but is how scripts work.
So keep up the good work, you already seem to have the basics of formatting and language, you just need to get used to the style.
Here's an exercise. Walk into a room or a cafe or a restaurant or any place with people, sit down and write out exactly and I mean exactly what the place looks like, what the people are doing, saying, etc. For an actual script this might be a bit too much, but as an exercise is the best you can do to practice your skill.
Points: 11451
Reviews: 131
Donate