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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

I see a world through broken glass

by ThereseCricket


A wailing cry vibrated through me and ripped through the glass,

Causing cracks and fissures to appear in the glowing creation.

A tormented mind tore through the wind,

Pushing against the hardened glass,

finally shattering with the final flaw.


I watched them fall,

as they caught the light from the sun’s morning rays.

Tinkling against each other,

they plunged swiftly down to the cold hard dirt at my feet.


I stared at the fragments and could see my reflection,

through the broken surface.

Wilted and lifeless,

Like the shards of glass that I was like.

I was now a piece of fragmentation.

Beaten into slivers by agony and suffering,

then crushed to dust and forced to wait.


For you.

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10 Reviews

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Sun Apr 26, 2015 4:09 pm
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TiernanW wrote a review...



Very interesting piece! :) I know its old, but you were kind to me, so I'm repaying that.

I love how you don't really know what has hurt the speaker until the very last line: "For you." This creates a nice dramatic effect which hits the reader. My interpretation is that is about someone who is in love, and it is so painful because they are not loved back or the other person deliberately hurts them. The pain is really described by how dramatic it is like "crushed to dust" and "Beaten". These are all powerful.

One line I do not like is "Like the shards of glass that I was like." It really breaks the rhythm and just sounds odd.






Hi! Thanks for reviewing my work!

Hmm, I totally see what you mean by 'Like the shards of glass that I was like'. Really just breaks the flow, and seems out of place. Thanks for pointing that out! I'll be sure to get that fixed up when I run it through an editing process.

Thank you so much for reviewing! <3



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Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:49 am
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Pompadour wrote a review...



Hey, Therese~ I don't think I've ever had the pleasure of reviewing any of your works, so I thought I'd drop by and leave a quick review on this one!

Happy Review Day!

Alright, so I really, really like the idea you've got going here, that you're comparing yourself to shards of glass and, indirectly, you're giving us this picture of humanity and how it's fragmented, shattered, because the world inflicts blows to its surface. Glass is fragile, but it also reflects what it sees, just as our faces and our actions reflect our experiences, and what the world flings our way. You've succeeded in setting off this chain reaction, and triggering off thoughts and emotions through poetry is always wonderful, since the purpose of poetry is to seek a reaction--any kind of reaction--from its readers. Kudos on that! Your poetry also has this kind of calmness, rather like people who are all serenity on the outside but going BOOM on the inside, which I liked.

Now, enough gushing. Let's get to image-building, word-choice and general critiquing. Before I do that, though, it looks like you had a formatting error which is pretty common in the Publishing Centre, so take a look-see at this: How to format your poetry on YWS

Alright, so one thing that I feel you could work on is the glass-related imagery, since I sensed a lot of repetition and usage of words like "shattering", "shards" and "glass." While glass-like, they're all pretty commonly used, so experiment! Instead of just saying glass, talk of the surface of the mirror like a surface of smoothest sheen, like iron, except it's splintered in a thousand places. Lemme see here ...

A wailing cry vibrated through me and ripped through the glass,


~ Ripped is a word that doesn't really create a hard, striking image in my mind, like the kind you grow to associate with glass. It reminded me of fabric, and it's a pretty weak verb to allude to, I feel.

A tormented mind tore through the wind,

Pushing against the hardened glass,

finally shattering with the final flaw.


Alright, so one thing I noticed as I read was that you've used a great deal of personification as you write. Personification is when you speak of inanimate objects as though they're living things, or have characteristics/carry out actions that are similar to those being carried out by an actual person. But you do it several times, and then it just ends up giving your verses this passive feel, instead of being strong. Instead of glass, it feels like cloth. I've marked those places in blue. So far, the ailment. Here's what I suggest: cut out the "A"s. Be direct with what you want to say. Being direct and being simplistic are two different things, though, so don't confuse the two. What I mean to say is that instead of saying: "A tormented mind", you could say "My tormented mind." That not only adds a personal touch and allows the reader to develop this connection with the writing, but it also removes the overall passiveness.

Besides that, I've marked "glass" in green, because I notice that you've repeated it twice. Glass is a lovely, heavy word, but synonyms are nice, yes? You've also repeated "finally" and "final" in close proximity, and since they're so similar-sounding, I'd advise you to switch things up here a bit, too.

Wilted and lifeless,

Like the shards of glass that I was like.


Wilted is another soft word, and it doesn't really fit since you compare yourself to glass in the line following right after. How is the glass "wilted"? How is it "lifeless"? Explore this area a bit. You talk of yourself being "fragmented," also, and that's a very lovely piece of imagery you've got there.

The key question to ask yourself, though, would be "how"?

How are you like glass? Are you shallow beyond the surface, but giving an appearance of depth? Are you filled with false trajectories, and do you reflect what you see? You can explore this in a less connected and abstract manner as well. Glass is so similar to sand. It is, in fact, made from around 70% of sand. I thought of sand when I read your last few lines, and I think you could make the sand-glass connection much, much stronger, so it's prevalent throughout the poem. That's just a suggestion, though.

Moving on, you've got a pretty great handle on imagery. I especially liked that second line in the first stanza, since it was so colourful and created all these bright, swirly images I could just picture being reflected off the glassy surface. Beautiful. <3 Just focus on correlating the images and establishing a constant; basically what you want to convey. Instead of gesturing around vaguely, be direct with what you want to say. There's a difference between saying: "My flaws were what caused my destruction" to saying:
"My lack of light, my hard-hearted glances
and my lack of determination
brought me to the dusty ground."

Create connections. Specify and elaborate. Go wild with what you want to say and make. Sure. You. Get. Your. Point. Across. That's it, really, and you're good to go! This was a lovely piece of poetry besides, and those last lines were very strong; they managed to strike a chord with me, and I really liked that.

So keep it up! Keep writing!

Hope this helped, and PM me if you have any questions~

~Pompadour

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*jaw drops* THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOUUUUU!!! Will work on everything youuu mentioned! :D



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Fri Jul 04, 2014 3:26 pm
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Cithara wrote a review...



Hi Therese! Thewriter13 here to give a review :D
I'm gonna go through nitpicks first and then I shall give praise. If I find something good Just kidding there's a lot of great things going on in this poem!

A wailing cry vibrated through me and ripped through the glass,


Well this first line already has some repetition in it; you use "through" twice and I feel it would make more sense if you changed the line to avoid. "A wailing cry vibrated through me..." through me? What about "inside of me?" that would make more sense to me and you can keep "ripped through the glass." Only my suggestions, so don't use them if you don't want to.

finally shattering with the final flaw.

I like how you've made every last line start without a capital letter. How come you made it this way? (Only curious :D)

they plunged swiftly down to the cold hard dirt at my feet.

I'm not sure why, but I don't think "plunged" is the right word here. When I read plunge, I think of someone jumping into the water (the cliches are getting to me) and I understand where you're coming from...but plunged just doesn't fit the feeling. You go from "tinkling" (a light word) to "plunged", which, as Hannah said, is a strong word. You can probably keep it and just do what Hannah said.

I stared at the fragments and could see my reflection,

through the broken surface.

I don't think you need the comma for a break here. The emotion is strong, but then the comma comes and breaks it. Perhaps taking out the comma for a smoother flow.

What I LOVED about this poem
Okay, basically your word choice was excellent because your imagery is excellent. I loved the metaphor you used here and was able to appreciate the words you used. The last line was good with the italics. I just think you overall did an excellent job with make the reader feel something. I certainly felt pain and I felt sorry for the speaker.
8.5/10 BRAVO!
Keep writing! :D






Thanks Writer13! Will get to work on it!



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Fri Jul 04, 2014 2:16 pm
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Hannah wrote a review...



My good Squire Therese! I am here at your service and the service of the Knights of the Green Room, but mostly you. ;)

My first instinct upon seeing this poem was to tell you to take out absolutely EVERY SINGLE adjective and see what it looks like then. It felt like, as I was reading it, everything was qualified by some kind of description and as I continued reading the rhythm of those continuous adjectives grating on me. Words have power all on their own, but when you constantly butter them up with other words, it sometimes turns into a soupy mess.

example:

they plunged swiftly down to the cold hard dirt at my feet.

I stared at the fragments and could see my reflection,

through the broken surface.

Wilted and lifeless,

Like the shards of glass that I was like.


>>>

they plunged down to the dirt at my feet.
I stared at the fragments and could see my reflection
through the surface,
like the shards of glass that I was like.

Look especially at that first line. PLUNGED is such a strong word! It is specific and brings with it a tone, an emotion. Let it work on its own. And when you strip away "cold" and "hard", you are just left with "dirt", but guess what? When we think of just the word dirt, especially dirt under our feet, we automatically think of something hard and gritty. You don't need to train us! You don't need to describe what we already think, is what I mean.

Also by stripping away the adjectives, you can see a weakness in the poem as well. I stared at the piece of class. I started at my reflection. My reflection through the surface. The surface was like shards of glass? My reflection was like shards of glass? I was like the surface? I was like the reflection? Somewhere in there it gets mixed up what you're talking about, and that weakens the poem, obviously, if we can't follow it along.

Strip it down! See what a more simple poem can communicate. I don't mean for you to throw this version away, but just try a different version and see what you learn from both.

I hope these thoughts are helpful to you~
PM or reply to this review if you have any questions~
Good luck and keep writing, love!

This review courtesy of
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Ohh thanks for the review Hannah! I'll work on it!




Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think.
— Niels Bohr