A Song Named Alice Chapter 1 ~updating~

by AliceWonderland

Published July 2, 2014

E - Everyone

In A Song Named Alice

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Chapter 1

A toll clicks on the bell tower in the silent town. Near it, something lurks in the shadows of an alley. A figure appears, gliding into an empty street, where street lamps are his only light. He leans against a wall and brushes his hair from his eyes. As he reaches his hands into his pockets, the wind pushes him to the wall. Another breeze whisks by, playfully his hair into his eyes again so that he has to trouble himself to push it back once more. He shivers as the wind seeps to his bones, right through his clothes, but in his left pocket his hand strokes the silvery brass metal of his broken treasure. From his pocket he pulls out an old-fashioned pocket watch, worn more than its genuine age. He lets his lip crack while a memory comes to him.

With the bright, full moon lighting up the streets, the man could have seen for miles if not for the overbearing buildings. The sidewalks glisten wetly as the old streetlamps light up the mist-covered road. Near one of the streetlamps, the man once more pulls the pocket watch up to his gaze under the soft glow. The rusted silvery metal of the watch shines like fire in the light, every tiny hand-engraved hammer given its own glory, especially Thor's large hammer in the center. The man flicks up the cover with his thumb and looks deeply into the face of the clock. Small scratches cover the edges of the clear glass face, hinting at its many experiences.

The man shivers again. He turns his head to look up at the dark and gloomy sky. Giant gray clouds are scattered everywhere, hiding the stars, yet avoiding the moon. The trees reach barren limbs toward the sky in the cold winter. Winter is coming, and so is snow.

Squinting down at his watch, the man looks for any movement in the little hands. For seven years the watch hasn’t ticked a second, but it still had use, some bittersweet feelings lingered, imprinting an importance to it. 11:59 59. The same time displayed for the past seven years, always a single second before midnight.

Closing the cover of the watch, he puts it back into his left pocket, the chain dangling by his side. Looking around him, searching for anyone else who might be awake along the dark, forbidding road, his instincts flare. The city can be dangerous at night; it’s the time when thieves stalk down the streets and pickpockets run amok. Yet even though there could be danger, he walks further down the empty road without hesitation.

From behind him, he hears a sneeze. Wheeling around with incredible speed, he scans the area, his entire body tensing as he realizes what danger could actually be out in this city. His eyes look for any shadows, any sign of someone around him. Then, a window clatters above and the curtains hang out on the catch of the wind. That must have been the source of the sneeze, he thinks.

The clock tower in the distance strikes midnight; the rolling chimes echoing through the town like a flood. Each chime a deep, low tone, rumbling over the land. The great hands of the clock shake with every toll. However, the sound fails to waken even a mouse, and the town sleeps deeply in their beds. Only those who are awake can hear the tower’s song. A pitter-patter of their feet drumming along with the large brass bells. Then the twelfth chime rings at last and the clock tower falls silent once more.

Another man wearing thin, dark clothes appears from inside a small alley. His hair is unkempt, but his two bright eyes, clear as the daylight, glint with purpose. He walks near the edge of the street, hiding in the shadows until he reaches the larger alley the black clothed man was in not long ago. After taking a good long look at the man in the street, he goes back deeper into the alley.

This second man pulls his sleeve back where from underneath, a silver watch glows. Bringing the watch up to his dry mouth, he presses the small silver switch on its side. A thin tube-like piece extends from under the switch. After he wets his lips, the man begins speaking into the tube as if someone is listening from the other end. His voice, low and husky from the cold, calmly states: “He has the silver pocket watch and the time is still safe. I await further orders, Odin.” Then he waits, listening to the clock on his watch tick at every second.

When the clock tower strikes 12:01, a moderately deep voice, yet higher than he expected, responds from the tube. “Good, good. You’re doing well. That must mean that Loki hasn’t noticed you yet. Heimdall, I want you to keep monitoring him; notify me if there are any changes in his behavior. I will send the three Fate Sisters soon to try to convince him to hand over the pocket watch peacefully. I would rather not have to resort to violence, it’s unnecessary and wastes time." Odin, Father of the Norse gods, paused to breath and relax his tensing voice.

"However, I still want you to observe Loki’s movements even after the Fate Sisters make their entrance. Once the pocket watch has been retrieved, watch him with the utmost precision. Even the tiniest of signs could imply dissatisfaction with the agreement that we will make with him, no matter how much it may favor him.”

Odin's breaths gasped multiple times. Then he sneezed. Once his steady breaths returned, Odin spoke again. “We cannot allow Loki to find out what that pocket watch really is. We must get it before the watch strikes midnight or else all the work we’ve done up until now will fall into ruin. I expect you to keep up the good work. Also, I must remind you, use these code names without fail. Wonderland cannot find out what our plans are for the pocket watch. Remind Forseti when you switch off with him.”

Heimdall presses the tiny switch again and the tube slowly retreats. Pulling his sleeve down over the watch, he let his arm hang loosely by his side. His eyes follow up the clock tower in the middle of the city. The stone clock tower could be seen throughout the town, soaring higher than any other building, even in the neighboring towns that are miles and miles away.

It strikes 12:02. Heimdall slips his eyelids down, whispering a promise to himself with the beat of his heart. “I will not fail the name Asgard. I will make it great, far greater than Wonderland. Neither will I fail you Odin, for you helped me when I was in need of a place to belong. I will make sure that Loki’s pocket watch lands in our hands. I swear it.”

The wind gently brushed against Heimdall’s frozen self. He returns his concentration to his mission, eyes flickering open. The street lights shine dimly, forcing Heimdall trust that the footsteps far in front of him are Loki’s. When he loses the sound of Loki’s feet a few times, he glances around him for anyone else that might be nearby. Then footsteps came from behind him. A man barely taller than Heimdall, dressed in warm clothing, approached from behind and slowly, but casually, joined his pace.

Heimdall lashes his head toward him abruptly, shooting a harsh glare while displeasure emanates from his clenched fists. “What are you doing here, Frey? What do you want?”

Frey and Heimdall walk down the barely seen sidewalk for nearly a block before Frey stops, faces Heimdall, and says, “I’ve already switched off with my partner; he’s keeping an eye on the Midgard Serpent and Thor right now. However, I don’t intend to mess anything up. You really shouldn’t worry. I am here to see how you’re doing with your work. My main reason is because Odin wanted me to make sure that you’re healthy. Your light dressing worries him, so take care of yourself and change into something warmer from now on. Can I take it that you’re going to keep yourself from getting sick?”

Heimdall sneezed in the nick of time. “Don’t get it wrong, this isn’t the start of a cold. The mist tonight is providing too much humidity!”

Frey rolled his eyes. There’s been a high humidity for the past few weeks, it’s nothing new. “You’re such a bad liar.”

Heimdall retaliated. “I am not; but let me tell you this: I won’t get sick! I’m fine, I can handle a little cold, chilly air like this. And you may have switched off already, but I don’t think that you should relax so much. Loki’s two most trusted friends may cause trouble for us in the future, but if you get careless about your duties and we lose everything because of you…” He gasped in quickly, but holds in the sneeze. He changed his gaze to the moon. “Just make sure to not let that happen.” Heimdall’s eyes nervously peek at Frey. He frowns at Frey’s shrewd smirk. “If you have time to spare, go bother people elsewhere. Unlike you, I’m still supposed to be monitoring Loki right now, and I won’t be able to if you keep bothering me.” Heimdall huffed.

Groaning, Frey walled himself between Heimdall and his mission, crossing his arms. “Heimdall," Loki's footsteps started to hurriedly come toward them. "Wait, let's move before we continue this. He's going to hear us."

Behind the nearest building Frey and Heimdall watch Loki's suspicions arise. Loki fretfully peeks in between the buildings near him, approaching Frey and Heimdall’s alley. When Loki reaches their alley, Frey and Heimdall aren't there. Loki gave up trying to find the person to the voice and continues his walk home.

Frey and Heimdall come out of hiding, trailing farther behind Loki. "That was too close." Frey says. "Now look here, since I don’t want you to blow our cover, I’ll leave. Make sure to mask your every step until your partner comes, too.” Frey crosses the street, slinking into the shadows.

Heimdall didn’t wait and changes his movement patterns. He pillows his feet like he's grazing on the softest silk. Moving with little sound, the night becomes quiet again, and every now and then Heimdall peeks into an alley for unwanted visitors. Wonderland is as wary of the pocket watch as Asgard. They’ve gathered up as much information about their prey as possible to guarantee success. Heimdall wouldn’t be surprised if anyone followed him even now.


When Heimdall’s rid of Loki’s suspicions, the clock strikes 12:05. Right as it strikes 12:10 Heimdall is tapped on the shoulder. Whirling around, he finds a man dressed in blue jeans, black classy shoes, and a dark blue jacket zipped up three quarters of the way. “Finally, you’re here.”

A delightful smile spreads on his face. “It’s a shame your personality is like this. If it weren’t for your grumpy attitude, people would have a much easier time getting along with you.” He sighs. “I heard from Frey that your temper is as short as always. Do try to get along with him, even the tiniest bit. You’re going to have to work with him for a long time.”

Heimdall averts his eyes to the dark sky, groaning while crossing his arms. “I really don’t care what he says as long as he doesn’t get in my way. Besides, what does it matter to you Forseti?”

While his smile grows, Forseti’s walk develops a happy jig. “It doesn’t, but Frey is the one who gets after me for enjoying your bickering and misery.”


Heimdall's eyes flare with anger. His pillowed feet feel much heavier until he nearly stomps, then he remembers Frey's advice. “Oh shut up, Forseti. For once I agree with Frey, you can be quite annoying sometimes.” Heimdall switches his sight to the clock tower. 12:11. He shakes his head, bemoaning the time he’s wasting. Home is so close, yet so far.


Distracting Heimdall’s comforting thought, Forseti quickens his pace. It encourages Heimdall to do the same. “Well, fix your attitude. In my opinion though, putting on a coat and taking most of your time off to sleep, you might cure half of your problems.”

“I never said I wanted your opinion. Whatever, my shift is over anyway. I’m leaving.” He gaits back in the opposite direction of Loki for a while, but sighs, and turns around. “By the way, the Fate Sisters might turn up sometime to distract Loki in order for us to get the pocket watch.”

“Why are the Fate Sisters getting involved? This watch must sure be something if those three are joining us in the action. Normally Odin would send Valkyries." Forseti pauses. He lets his thoughts spin to possible answers. Then a thought stuck him. He licks his lips as he lets his small smile slip from its mask and grow. "Not to mention that it has been years since all of Asgard worked together on a plan that also required the assistance of the Fate Sisters. What does Odin see in that pocket watch that we don’t? How will it profit Asgard?”

While Forseti stops his trail on Loki, Heimdall stops at the intriguing thought. When the street light begins to flicker, Heimdall blinks hard. He pushes his words to quicken so that Forseti would go back to his mission. “You got me Forseti, I’m not sure either; but I’ll agree with you on one thing, I want to know the reasoning of all this as well. Why is he engaging the plan like this?" He wets his lips from the hurried progression of his words. "It’s as if he’s in a rush to get the pocket watch. Yet he’s staying extremely calm, letting us take our time. It makes no sense. The meeting tomorrow might answer most of these questions, I hope.”

This time, Heimdall leaves without waiting for Forseti to speak again. When the clock tower strikes 12:13, Heimdall disappears from Forseti’s line of sight. Then Forseti resumes the pursuit, all the way to Loki's apartment.

When Loki arrives sluggishly, he appears to be in a great need of a long rest. The apartment building is located near the abandoned outskirts of town. Forseti squeezes in between two planks that are bolted against the jagged door frame. He holds his fingers on door hinges that used to hold a door as he stretches his legs far apart to get the last one through.

All around the forbidding house, Forseti tests each of his steps for loose boards. When he gets to the stairs, they creak loudly and echo throughout the house. However, as soon as he gets to the second floor, the first board cracks and breaks apart, falling to the floor below. Forseti’s steps become even more careful. Around the corner in the nearest room, he finds a window in the right direction.

Forseti takes out the binoculars from inside his coat and zooms in into Loki’s room. At this point Loki’s asleep in his bed.

The bed is fairly small, a twin sized bed, but it’s hard to see through the window from this far away. On the other hand, the dresser is near the window, making it easy access if he ever wanted to open the window and get in. The tree near the window, though bare, is tall and sturdy enough to get inside.

From this far, Forseti can’t hear Loki either, but he had a plan in case he should need to hear from within the apartment. Inside the pocket watch he planted a few bugs that would let him hear just what he needed to; he’d put them there a few days earlier when Loki was away from it. Odin had told everyone in Asgard not to get a hold of the pocket watch if Wonderland hasn't acted yet, but Forseti had other plans. He knew of a better use for the pocket watch that wouldn't even require him to take it.

The night passed away slowly and the night of the full moon fades away to let the sunrise of a new day come. The clouds from a few hours ago are nowhere to be seen, floating off to cover the next town, and now a big empty sky blankly stares at the world with a few streams of mare’s tails here and there.

A feather falls on Forseti’s head as he hears a sudden burst of flapping wings. Two ravens perch on the plank sticking out on top of the open window. The tattered curtains brush away in the wind. The ravens move to the bottom of the window, resting on either side of Forseti’s elbows. Attached to one of the raven’s legs is a note in a small, black carrying case. Gently grabbing the tube, Forseti opens the clasp on the case, reading the note in miniscule writing inscribed on the piece of paper. When he finishes, he puts the note back in the case and closes the clasp with a click.

Taking out an equally small piece of paper and a pen from his pocket, Forseti replies to the message. While he puts the note in the case on the other raven’s leg, he whispers softly to the birds. “Hugin and Munin, you may go now. I have received the message.” The two ravens fly away due south to report back from where they came.

Forseti takes one last look at the room to see if Loki has woken up yet. As Loki continues his deep slumber, Forseti tip-toes out of the condemned building. He strolls down the empty street that leads to the apartment. However, he continues on and walks away from it, partially obeying the note that Odin sent him.

Standing on the corner, he looks at the watch on his left wrist. When he sees the time, he knows for sure that it would be too early for Loki to wake up yet. So, he pulls his sleeve back over his watch. Forseti brushes his hair away from his eyes and tilts his head up at the blank, blue sky, taunting at the world’s worries.

“It’s not raining today either, winter must be only a few weeks away. If Odin doesn’t find a way to get the plan working faster, we’re going to have to work through winter. We don’t have time for such an obstacle.”

Forseti breathes into his hands to warm them up. His breath makes small clouds, dispersing and evaporating quickly in the chilly air. Sticking his hands into his pocket, Forseti shivers, waiting for his chance to leave. “Hurry and wake up, Loki. It’s cold out.”

Across the street, Forseti spots a small coat shop. He watches a cold couple walk into it. Tourists never remember it is cold in northern America during the winter. Taking his left hand out of his pocket, he checks the time again. Several minutes later the couple walk out of the shop in really bushy coats. Again, tourists. The two there must have been from the south, ignorant of how cold winter can be in the north. He smiles at the unaware tourists. “No, winter must already be here.”

Leaning against the wall, facing toward the apartment, Forseti burls himself in his coat. While waiting for Loki to wake up, he shivers. Forseti checks the time on his watch again.

To give himself some fun he brings his watch closer, feeling for a different switch. When he presses that switch, Forseti looks for a small red light to turn on from right below. Once the light sparks up, he waits a few seconds for the light to become steady. It records his voice and will play back only on his watch. Odin or any other member of Asgard won't be able to find out what he's about to say.

He whispers, “Let’s play a game, shall we? A game of cards sounds appropriate with the objective. In this game, there can be as many winners as possible, as long as the rules are followed. The rules are simple: keep yours cards alive and your hope burning within you, or there will be no chance for you to win. So basically, if the player wins, they get their wish."

Forseti takes a breath. He pauses in thought again, but soon comes to an idea. "But if a player loses this game, they’ll lose all hope that their wish will ever be granted, possibly even their life. Hmm, yes. And the more cards a player has, the likelier it will be for them to get their wish. This game won’t be easy, but it’s not like any of my players have a choice as to whether they want to play or not. The cards are reusable since this is a game of live cards that live freely and make their own decisions. It will be like a Wonderland fantasy game.”

He looks around for a bench to sit on, but when he doesn’t find one, he sighs. He leans back further into the wall. So he wets his lips to continue. “The objective of the game is to try to take and keep the pocket watch while you try to make your wish come true. The players shall be Wonderland, Asgard, Loki, Alice, the Gods, and myself. We all have wishes grander than the rest, so of course we get to be the players. Everyone else shall be the cards in their hands. Simple. However, this is not a game that Wonderland and Asgard made, this is my game. For I was the one who made the rules, haven’t I?”

Forseti presses the switch again and the red light turns off. He smirks at his plan fabricated for the coming days. Before putting his sleeve back over his watch, he checks the time once more. Then, bored of standing around in the frigid weather, he walks back toward the apartment, ignoring Odin's orders.

Upon reaching a corner only a block away, he finds a bench, sits down, and wraps his arms across his chest. As he tries to warm up while he waits, Forseti mutters to himself about how to modify his game so that he’ll win. After a moment he smiles and laughs softly.

Well, I do have the upper hand which makes my part easy, so surprise me Loki. This won’t be an easy task, but you’re not a cowardly man. So, let’s see how well you can play my game.

I know everything about you, Loki. All of your past, present and even what future you may have. But I couldn’t very well tell you that I know, no, it wouldn’t be a game if I did. I shall keep it a secret until my wish comes true.

Forseti ponders about his last few words. But what is my wish?

He wonders for a while longer. He knows that he has a wish, he must have. But what? What could that wish possibly be? Then it comes to him. Yes, it would have to be that. I want to find the truth to a secret. However, in order to do that, I must first learn of who holds the information I need. Loki’s greatest secret; what a wonder it would be to grasp it in my hands. I already have an idea what it might be, but if I am correct, then his secret is one that even he does not know. Now I have my motivation to win, perfect.

Forseti goes into his left pocket and pulls out a deck of cards. He opens the deck and pulls out two randomly selected cards. He flips them over and notices the Knave of Hearts on one and the Queen of Diamonds on the other. Forseti puts the two cards back and closes the deck. He slides the deck back into his left pocket and smiles, expecting those two cards to appear.

So, these are the cards that will build the game and this entire story to its climax while ending its rising action with a sweet bang. Then that long awaited, painful and bitter time will be set into motion. What a game this is going to be, what a story I will make, and the cards turned out to be exactly who I thought they’d be. Though only one of these two cards is the key winning. Do you know who it is Loki? Will you figure it out in time?


Forseti peers down to glimpse the time on his watch, smiling widely in the greatest of pleasure, looking forward to dealing the cards out. Tapping his pocket that contains the deck of cards, he envisions the cards neatly laid out and the first player making their move. Now, let us start our simple game of cards.

A/N *If you think I should post more of this, please tell me. I'd really like it if someone helps me make this better.*

Comments & reviews · 4
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crossroads
Review
crossroads wrote a review Review · Jul 3, 2014

Hey there!
Welcome to YWS~

Firstly, before I begin, two quick things.

Spoiler
One, your note at the end confused me for a second, as it wasn't different from the rest of the story - I suggest you separate it by a line of some sort, or put in italics and/or parenthesis with "A/N" to tell us it's the author's note and not a part of the story. That said, of course you should post more! Here is a great place to seek and get feedback and constructive criticism =)
The second quick thing concerns the words - if you look carefully, you'll see some of them have turned into links, which, when clicked, lead to this same page. It's not very uncommon for it to happen, and they won't harm people who happen to click on them, but they're a sign that you have some malware called i.txtsrving.info, which inserts links randomly like that. I won't make this any longer, but look here for more info. I can edit those links out for you if you wish (I won't touch anything else in the original work), but I figured to let you know anyway.


Okay, that was longer than expected. Onto the actual review, now.
Firstly, I'm quite fond of the mix you have here, it looks very original and I hope you post more of it. I also adore nordic mythology, which is why I hope you did your research. Sure there are recent adaptations which tell the tales of some of the characters - Marvel's comics and movies come to mind - but for the sake of this novel-to-be, please don't rely just on those. I'm not sure since I haven't seen anything further than this chapter, but if you wish to do some research and need assistance with that, I can link you to places (and people) which I found really helpful.

An unfamiliar toll clicks on the rusting bell tower in the silent town. Near it, something lurks in the shadows of the alleys. A figure appears from an alley, gliding into an empty paved street, where street lamps are his only light. He leans against a cold stone wall and pulls his jet-black hair from his deep blue eyes while smoothing the crests of his overworked hair. Then he reaches his chilled hands into his denim pockets, breezed by the wintery air.


I like your beginning, and how it sets the atmosphere, and I have no issues with your flow or style. However, all the words I bolded are attributes/adjectives, and as you see, there's really a lot of them for such a short paragraph. You don't use as many all the time, which I can understand - in the first paragraph, we often strive to get the reader as hooked and engulfed as possible, and it sometimes leads to overuse of specific word types, very often just these. General way to get rid of this problem is to reread the text without them, and only add them back where they're absolutely needed. In this example from your text, you could get rid of quite a few of them and still have a very well written paragraph. Say, your character's appearance. It's important, yes, especially if he's going to be a major character in the story, but do we really need to know all those details right now, before the story even started?

By the way, you use the word "hair" twice in the same sentence, very close to each other, and it feels redundant. Speaking of that sentence, you might consider rewording it a bit. For one, try replacing "pull" with a softer verb, such as "brush" or alike - "pulls his hair from his eyes" sounds like a strong movement, and I imagine him, well, pulling the hair, as if it got stuck in his eyes, which is a bit of a strange picture.

Another thing, I'm not sure I understand "unfamiliar toll". Did you mean that the bell doesn't normally make a sound? Might just be that I'm not familiar with the way those words can be used in this context, but if that wasn't what you meant, it seems a bit strangely worded to me too.

Your descriptions are lovely from the very beginning, I must say. I like the image of the watch, and it's not only because I'm a clockwork freak :mrgreen: I'm curious to know what the engravings are, though. Maybe add in something like "every hand-engraved rabbit and flamingo (or whatever you imagine the design being)..."?

But despite the bitter cold temperature, it’s still fall, though the weather is getting colder by the day. Very soon it could be cold enough for snow.


You don't really need that "but" there, especially since you have the "though" later. Removing the but wouldn't disrupt the point, but would help the flow.

The man squints down at his watch, looking for any movement in the little arrows.


Of the little arrows? It seems like a bit of a strange word. It's true that a clock's hands often resemble arrows, but when you say "arrows" it makes me think it's a watch without actual hands and with somehow differently moving arrows showing time (that might be just me, though). Maybe try "looking for any movement of its little arrowed hands"? Here the extra adjective wouldn't be too much, as you don't use that many in this paragraph.

For seven years the watch hasn’t ticked a second, but the watch still had use, some bittersweet feelings linger and imprint an importance to it.


At first glance, it seems like a slightly awkward tense switching, but I get what you meant now. It still reads a bit strangely - if you're saying that it had use, during the years in which it hasn't ticket a second, the present tense of "linger and imprint" simply doesn't flow right. You might want to reword it, but I'd suggest you simply adding -ing to both of those verbs, as well as replacing the second "watch" with a pronoun, for lack of redundancy again:

For seven years the watch hasn’t ticked a second, but it still had use, some bittersweet feelings lingering and imprinting an importance to it.

This way there is continuity to it, and it flows more nicely without jumping from one tense to another.

He closes the cover of the watch and puts it back into his left pocket, the chain dangling by his side. He looks about him, searching for anyone else who might be awake along the dark, forbidding road. The city could be dangerous at night, it’s the time when thieves stalk down the streets and pickpockets ran amok. Yet even though there could be danger, he walks further down the empty road without a single hesitation.


Okay, more nitpicks!
About would work better changed to around, as this way it's pretty confusing. I'd expect to read something like "He looks about twenty years old, in his brown suit and bla bla" - in other words, that word in this context takes the reader's mind in the wrong direction automatically.
Could, I believe, should be can - its present tense - to fit with the rest of the sentence.
a single hesitation reads just as strangely as it is. It's true that "hesitation" is a noun, but it marks an action, and as such isn't exactly countable. You can have two hesitations, not even a bucket of them - you either hesitate or you don't. Just cut out the "a single", staying with "without hesitation", and you're good.

Suddenly, from behind him, he hears a sneeze. Wheeling around with incredible speed he scans the area, his entire body tenses, realizing what danger could actually be out in this city. He finds nothing in spite of his worry, so he relaxes and continues to walk.


In general, I'd say "suddenly" here isn't really necessary, as something suddenly happening in the story will be sudden enough without saying it happened suddenly, if that makes sense. It doesn't disturb the story here, though, in my opinion, so I'll leave it be. I'd reword the rest a bit, though:

Wheeling around with incredible speed, he scans the area, his entire body tensing as he realises what danger could actually be out in this city.

That's just me, though, with my love for commas and such sentence constructions - but I think it flows more naturally this way.

The last sentence of this paragraph just confused me. He finds nothing and just continues like nothing happened, but someone just sneezed behind him. It's not like he heard a faint thud that could've been a sound of footsteps as well as a random sack on the side of a road falling to its side, or anything vague like that. He heard someone sneezing, and if he has to calm down and discard it as nothing, you should at least have him see something he could explain it to himself with. An opened window, maybe, through which the sound could've been carried to the street?

Only those who are awake hear the tower’s song, a pitter-patter of their feet against the large brass bells.


I assume by this you mean that they hear the sound of their own footsteps interwinding with the sound of the bell? It's a really nice image - in fact, this whole paragraph is quite lovely - but it kind of reads like they hear the pitter-patter of their feet as they walk over the large brass bells. Which is again a strange picture, but I can't say I quite know how to change that.

As much as I saw from previous reviews, the POV-switching is strange for some. I actually found it to be quite an easy transition, though. For now, at least, I like the omnipresent narrator setting the scene for us, even if it means jumping from one character to another.

Odin's orders sound about right to me - not too long, not too vague, not too revealing when it comes to keeping the story mysterious. Nice job there. It could use another pause somewhere in between of what he says in his first paragraph, though - something as trivial as stopping to take a breath, or Heimdall hearing him wetting his lips at some point or alike would do, simply so it seems more natural.

Through the device, you could hear unsteady breathing.


You? So far, you haven't broken the fourth wall (interracted with the reader) in such way, and I don't think you should start. I assume it's Heimdall who hears the unsteady breathing, so why not just simply putting it like that? ;)

Smoothly introduced Wonderland. I like that, as well as the overall way of introducing snippets of the story and important information without resolving to long infodumps. You don't seem to have the problem of characters over-explaining either, which is good. In other words, it seems believable Odin would talk the way he talks, mentioning important info but in a way which shows that he knows what he's talking about and doesn't feel the need to explain (to the readers) what he wouldn't normally need to explain to Heimdall. I honestly hope that made sense said that way xD

The clock tower strikes 12:02 and Heimdall turns away from the clock tower


You can freely replace the second "clock tower" with "it", we'll know what it refers to.

Hm. The name Asgard? It.. it's not that it doesn't make sense, but it makes me think of a family rather than a realm, and that then makes me wonder if I'm reading about the actual Nordic gods and actual Wonderland, or a whole different kind of interpretation of both.

Heimdall walks faster to find Loki. The street lights don’t shine brightly enough for Heimdall to see Loki, he’s too far behind. After a minute though, he spots Loki and dashes quietly to the sidewalk, looking for anyone else that might be nearby. From where he strolls Heimdall could see Loki’s every move. Then a man barely taller than Heimdall, dressed in thick and warm clothing made for the cold weather, approaches from behind and begins to walk next to him.


This whole paragraph is kind of strangely written. I was under the impression that Loki walked in a pretty much straight line, down the street, so the whole concept of Heimdall needing to find him reads a bit wrong. Also, maybe consider rewording the beginning and connecting the sentences. Adding in Heimdall's introspection (saying something like "he walks faster, hoping to find Loki under the dim light of the streetlamps" or alike) could help you figure that out.

It's also a bit strange that he suddenly can see Loki's every move, if just a moment ago it was too dark to see him at all. He caught up, okay, but still. Besides, isn't it risky? If he's close enough to see Loki's every move, doesn't it mean Loki can see him too if he just turns around?

The last sentence of this paragraph just seems somewhat rushed, and "and begins to walk next to him" reads strangely as well. Maybe "and silently joins Heimdall by his side", or a similar structure? It would be clear enough that they haven't stopped walking.

The whole walking part is a bit strangely written, actually. I don't mean it as an insult or anything, but it's just weird to keep reading "He walks/they walk/begins to walk/keeps walking etc." There are synonims if you must use them, but it's also pretty clear that they're walking all the time if they're trailing Loki. It's enough to just mention it a couple of times (=

Nice to see Frey! He isn't one of the gods who's very often presented recently, as much as I keep track of newer adaptations of mythology tales.

Heimdall tenses up and retaliates. “I am not; but let me tell you this: I won’t get sick! I’m fine, I can handle a little cold, chilly air like this. And you may have switched off already, but I don’t think that you should relax so much. The Midgard Serpent and Thor are Loki’s two most trusted friends. They may cause trouble for Asgard in the future. Luckily, we have the foresight not to let that happen. But if you get careless about your duties and we lose everything because of you… just make sure to not let that happen.” Heimdall turns his head away in a huff.


Switched off? That makes me think they're getting sick unless they do something (go somewhere?) in time. But I'll wait silently and see :mrgreen:
Be careful, though. What I said before about snippets of information is starting to change here, and it's nearly too much info to be believable and not seem forced.

Another thing, all your dialogue follows the same format;
[Something the person does] ["The things person says"]
{Something the other person does} {"The things that person says"}
[Something else the first person does] and so on and so forth.

Try experimenting and changing it a little. Break the lines of dialogue here and there, add the actions in between, mention the change of voice or a facial expression. It will make it seem more realistic, and not read monotonously.

On a different note, I'm quite curious as to how can Loki not hear them xD Are they hidden somehow? Because they don't seem exactly quiet to me, and he had heard a sneeze before. I understand they're not right behind him, but when everything is empty and asleep, especially in the dark, sounds travel far and easily, and he'd have to have hearing problems to not notice them.

Why was 12:06 important? Was it when Forseti was meant to come, or some other deadline was met? Or was it just a random observation that 12:06 was near when the clock struck 12:05? Because if that's the case, it's pretty obvious without pointing it out too =p

Ooh, so Forseti doesn't know what the whole story is about, and even Heimdall isn't sure of the plan. I'm growing quite fond of Forseti as a character, by the way, and I must say your characterisation in general is pretty good. I have a feeling I know how these characters might react in some situations, and seeing how early in the story this is, that's a very good sign. You also show quite a bit and don't tell much, which is another good sign. Keep that up!

When the clock tower strikes 12:13, Heimdall disappears from Forseti’s line of sight. Then he begins his pursuit for Loki, all the way to his apartment.


I'm assuming it's Forseti who begins his pursuit for Loki, but right now it reads like the "he" is Heimdall. You could add some action at the beginning of that sentence (my suggestion) an use Forseti's name. Maybe something like:

With a sigh, Forseti locks his eyes on Loki's back, ready to begin his pursuit, and follows him all the way to his apartment.

Hm?

Also, how does he know it's Loki's apartment or, for that matter, which is Loki's window? Has he been there before? Can he be sure Loki isn't visiting someone or even trying to steal something from a random other person's place?

About the bugs Forseti managed to put into the watch, it doesn't seem too believable. If Loki was away from the watch, but they already knew they'd need it and Loki shouldn't have it, why didn't Forseti just take the watch and take it to Odin or someone else?

I'm curious about what both messages were - I hope I'll find out at some point later :3

Forseti checks the time on his watch again, beginning to feel impatient.


Judging on his constant checking of the watch, and mutterings about Loki waking up at last, he's been impatient for quite a while now already ;) It's not even really needed to tell us he's impatient - we can see it from the way he acts.

I'm a bit confused about this whole game deal, although it sounds promising. Whom did he tell it to? What will end up happening, what will the consequences be? The way Forseti speaks, it makes me think of him as a villain, or at least one of those characters whose intentions the read is never sure about - both of which I like.

These last paragraphs are still quite confusing, though, and their continuity seems a bit strange. He walks around, buys coat, thinks of the game, it all stands, but it sort of seems like you're now taking the story in a whole different direction all of a sudden. What if Loki wakes up and leaves the apartment? And where are the other people? In these paragraphs, you're losing a bit of that lovely descriptive atmosphere you set up before. I'd suggest you to add some more to the descriptions, perhaps (but watch for the excessive adjectives, haha), and slow down the pace of this part of the story.
Also, just a suggestion, but since everything in those paragraphs is really Forseti's thoughts, maybe consider putting them in italics instead of dialogue marks, since it's somewhat strange to imagine him actually talking to himself out loud. Then again, it makes for some extra characterisation, so if you keep that up as his thing, it will probably be a good thing.

With that, I've reached the end of the chapter and hence the end of the review as well. All in all, I quite liked this, it sounds like a really original mashup and I'm looking forward to reading more. Your story flows nicely and, apart from some redundancy, a few adjectives too many at places and unchanging dialogue structure (all of which can be fixed easily), it's a great piece of writing. I'm curious to see more of your plot unfolding, and I do hope you keep up the wonderful atmosphere and characterisation.

Once again, welcome, and feel free to let me know if you have any questions or need anything!

~Aria

[edited a bit to fix the formatting I managed to mess up xD]

My gosh, you are just the type of person I've been looking for. You get out all the nit picky stuff that I like. Oh, and don't worry about Forseti, he's kind of like that throughout the entire novel. He and two other characters are my favorite, even if I wrote this. Really though, Frey was one of the first few Norse gods I thought of and I was surprised that I haven't seen him in Marvel. Thanks! I hope you do the same for the other chapters.

Glad I could help (=
Do you have other chapters already written?
Oh and I like Forseti a lot~

Actually, I've finished the whole novel, but before I put most of the other on, I want to put some 15 year old knowledge to the year old first draft. It's a wonder what you find you write a year ago.

Ooh I see. And yup, it certainly is xD
I'll check out the next chapters if/when you upload them ^^ It might take me a while to write up reviews, but you can post links to my wall or tag me or something when they're up, if you wish.

User avatar
Pinkiegirl13
Review
Pinkiegirl13 wrote a review Review · Jul 2, 2014

Hi, AliceWonderland. This is Pinkie here for a review. Excuse me as I put on my glasses. *puts on glasses*

I like this chapter. This is very exciting and engrossing! I love Alice of Wonderland and you made this story of my favorite movie! I will thank you for that. You gave great descriptions in this chapter. It got me lured in this story. I enjoyed this story very much! However, I saw some errors on here. Well, the others did the errors part so I will leave it alone. Anyway, I love this story. I can't wait for the next chapter. So have a nice day!

Awesome Job! :D

Cheers

Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13

P.S: Welcome to YWS!

Thanks, I can't wait for you to read the next chapter!

ChristataAstera wrote a review Review · Jul 2, 2014

Okay first of all, I love Alice in Wonderland and Norse mythology so this is basically a dream come true. Very original crossover. I like it. A lot. The imagery you use is fantastic, and you do a really good job being consistent with the tense. Present tense is hard to do. The story so far is very intriguing and the characters compelling.

Okay, nitpick time. I noticed a couple grammatical errors, but those are minor. What really bugged me is when the story changes perspectives, it's very abrupt and without warning. It's especially confusing when the perspectives shift between Heimdall and Forseti because leading up to that point I was lead to believe that only Heimdall was going to pursue Loki. You can correct me if I'm wrong. Another thing that confused me was the description of the game, but I could just be stupid. Other than that, this story is pretty darn good so far, and I'm excited to see where it goes! :)

Thanks so much for telling me! I like it when people tell me what needs to be changed without holding back. However, I don't know where it changes abruptly, could you tell me where? That's help. I'll do my best to fix the other areas.

I think it happens right when Heimdall leaves, and Forseti going after Loki. It just felt weird, I dunno. Maybe it's just me lol.

User avatar
Corncob
Review
Corncob wrote a review Review · Jul 2, 2014

Hey-
+1 here for a review! Prepare for a lot of suggested revisions!
So, right away I noticed a few things with these first two lines.

An unfamiliar toll clicks on the rusting bell tower in the silent town as something lurks in the shadows of the alleys. A figure appears from an alley to an empty paved street, where street lamps are his only light.

First off, the beginning sentence is a MAJOR run on. Try dividing it into separate sentences, or at least using some commas!
The second sentence is a just a bit confusing when you say, "A figure appears from an alley to an empty paved street..." Using the preposition 'to' confused me. Perhaps change it to something like this:
"A figure appears from an alley and (your verb choice; i.e. walks, slips, etc.) onto an empty paved street."

He shivers as the it seeps to his bones,
The it? I think you just meant it :)

Two things in this sentence:
With the bright full moon lighting up the streets, miles could be seen if not for the looming buildings of the town.

First things first. I'm the realest. Drop this and let the whole world feel it. *sorry Fancy moment there*

OK, now for real first things first. You switched tenses. It should be miles CAN be seen, not could. Second of all, I don't think miles can be seen flows very well. If it were me, I would change it accordingly.
With the bright (oh, yeah, insert comma here), full moon lighting up the streets, the man can see for miles if not for the looming buildings of the town.
You do it again (switch tenses) here:
The sidewalks shine brightly as the old streetlamps lit up the mist-covered road.
Lit up should be LIGHT up.

Then he turns his head to look up at the dark and gloomy sky.
Don't need a 'then.'
Despite the bitter cold temperature, it’s still fall, though the weather is getting colder by the day.
Run-on and repetitive. Try taking out the ending (though the weather...) or regrouping the sentence, possibly into 2 sentences.
The city can be dangerous at night THIS COMMA SHOULD BE A SEMICOLON;, it’s the time when thieves stalk down the streets and pickpockets ran amok.

Pulling the sleeve back from his left arm a silver watch shines in the dim light.
Confusing. Needs punctuation.

Sorry, I keep having to get off! I'm kind of doing this review in parts. Will finish later!

Please help me all you can, don't hold back!

Corncob replied · Jul 3, 2014

Yah, sorry I had to go suddenly, but now I will finish the review!



“Can a magician kill a man by magic?” Lord Wellington asked Strange. Strange frowned. He seemed to dislike the question. “I suppose a magician might,” he admitted, “but a gentleman never could.”
— Susanna Clarke, Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell