Going to give your character a review then. I think that posting detailed characters and descriptions for stories when you are unsure about a character or need feedback on them before you begin is actually a good idea, and that way you can get good feedback on them the way you would for a work.
As I was reading this, one thing in particular caught my attention, and that was the two parts of this line:
His ‘dark’ side is something no one should ever trigger, or the worst of the worst will happen to you. In the story, however, his ‘dark’ side is more of a comical gag throughout the whole story.
Now when I saw the first part about him having a 'dark' side and not 'trigger' it, all my character alarm bells went wild. Honestly, we are all sick of these dark side wannabies, and I am still a little worried about it, but I'll get back to it later, because the second part of this statement is what interested me.
however, his ‘dark’ side is more of a comical gag throughout the whole story.
Play your cards right and this could be an effective idea, very effective actually. If you have a guy or some other guys who think there is this dark side, but then more down to earth characters see him as the wannabie/idiot that is really associated with 'dark sides' you could get through this comedy well, and give the gag some good edge, as long as the reader is aware its supposed to be ridiculous, and so they don't think you are ridiculous.
Other: He currently wears a pendant shaped as a star that used to belong to his mother. It helps keep his ‘dark’ side under control. If removed, all hell might break lose.
No offence but this category smells of cliché lameness. The maternal pendant. The dark side breaking lose. Its just.... just.... roll my eyes. Just..... yeah, I think you can think of something more though than that, I don't think there needs to be any dark side breaking lose at all because all that screams at me is "Look at this character he is cool and he's cool because he has a dark side you better think he's cool and dark and bad or else and he's also cool because he has a soft spot for his mother" that's the impression I get, so unless you have some extremely comedic purposely retarded thing going, its not going to work for originality.
Last thoughts:
(These are entirely my opinion and is not really part of the review)
Gregor: Love that name.
Jay: Its okay, I like it, but seems like a 'cool' name.
Elsa: I hate this name to hell, please kill this character.
.
Points: 10657
Reviews: 332
Donate