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Clockwork

by retrodisco666


Your golden gears grinded as they twisted in your skull.

I stared into your eyes,

Beneath your iris the gold gleamed.

You smiled.

You had no choice.

Your body walked with such precision that it was almost easy to forget.

But your hands were cold to touch.

Bloodless.

Your words were croaky,

An off key drone that left me numb.

“I love you”.

I knew you were fake,

False auburn hair stitched into prosthetic skull.

Silicon lips and bosom.

Nothing was natural here.

But I still believed you.


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18 Reviews


Points: 399
Reviews: 18

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Tue Jul 01, 2014 4:03 pm
Nikachu wrote a review...



Hey there! Wow I really liked this poem! Your imagery of a fake person being like clockwork is spot on and original. I think it's awesome! I actually enjoyed your variation of line length. I think all short lines or all long lines doesn't flow as well as a balanced poem. It also makes the poem feel more natural (the opposite of fake haha)

On to the nitpicks:

You use the word "gold" in both the first line and the third line and it feels a little awkward. I get the alliteration and it works for one of the lines, but I personally find it repetitive. Maybe changing one of the words to metal or steel?

I also think that your poem is long enough to separate it into stanzas. I would recommend that you consider some divisions when your topic/image changes. For example, a break between the comments on the hands and the comments on the words.

I don't think you need the period after the quoted line "I love you"

That's all I got. Really really nice. Once again, great unique idea with the clockwork and robotic imagery. This poem has deep emotions and it feels really real. You have a good length, not to long or short. Also the last line is a great finish to the piece. Well done!

Keep it up!




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123 Reviews


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Reviews: 123

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Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:57 pm
FatCowsSis wrote a review...



Wow. This poem is powerful. Nicely done.

Okay, so on with the review.

Hmmm, probably the only thing I didn't necessarily like was,

Your body walked with such precision that it was almost easy to forget.

This sentence is really long and..well tgirly covered it.

My favorite lines were,
False auburn hair stitched into prosthetic skull.
Silicon lips and bosom.
Nothing was natural here.
But I still believed you.

Nicely done!!!

The way you stitched this poem together is really amazing. I love it!!!

So, keep writing, and as always, keep smiling!!

-Sis

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370 Reviews


Points: 14732
Reviews: 370

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Tue Jul 01, 2014 2:43 pm
tgirly wrote a review...



Hello!
This is a chilling poem and you've got some wonderful, chilling imagery here.
A line I'm not entirely sure I like is "Your body walked with such precision that it was easy to forget." What it's easy to forget isn't clear; that she's moving? That it's her body? Could you be a bit more specific? Also, this line feels a bit to long; maybe it has an extra syllable or something, but it's throwing off the beat of the poem.
Love the alliteration in the first line.
"Nothing was natural here." I don't think this line's totally necessary; I think you could tae it out and not lost anything.
"You smiled/You had no choice." These are probably my favorite lines.
"I love you". The period should be inside the quotation mark.
You have a lot of periods where it might make a bit more sense to have commas. I always give my poems a read-through purely for punctuation purposes. Go through and question every piece of punctuation to make sure it's making the piece as impactful as possible. You might not change anything; do what you think is best.
I hope this review helped!
-tgirly

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