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E - Everyone


by Baesch

Spite pools in their eyes, but soft, not wakened now.

My dreams are on, clamped to my ears; my hopes and I smile invisibly and watch their movement, battling through a gelatinous bass landscape, fighting the gelatinous texture of the air around them, unyielding (they are accustomed to moving slowly, you see)

"Mary likes the gin, but I've never seen her have any Wodka, now," says Jack, a wise sixteen-year old, and a reminiscent gleam, glint touches your eye as you stand, at the head of your dilapidated war-bus, feet planted wide,

yes, you remember well, how Mary used to get one off on the oul' Wodka, but now she's switched to gin and your eyes are so filled with tenderness, undirected, a testament;

presently, the bus is full and the fuller it gets, the less people will talk to you, in the preoccupation of adolescence -

you sit behind the rudder and, feet planted wide, push roaring life into this angry mammal - she rumbles and ponders to the road.

[Dilapidated, held together by tape, foam and the immutable truth of a raucous school bus on rural rambles, you'll push her back home every weekday evening, leave me with a kind jibe on the necessity of diligent study and disappear] --

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116 Reviews

Points: 1994
Reviews: 116

Sun Jul 27, 2014 9:13 pm
ForsakenAngel wrote a review...

Hello there, how is your day?

Much like Ossum, I had to reread this several times before I started to really comprehend it. It wasn't because the words didn't make sense, but rather because the more you read it the more possibilities open up. Its very well written and though I had a hard time grasping what it meant, I do like it a lot.

through a gelatinous bass landscape, fighting the gelatinous texture of the air

Okay, so I'm sure this has been pointed out, but I just have to mention it because repetition is a pet peeve of mine. (Sorry!) It's such a large word, that to use it twice kind of makes it seem... well, it's annoying quite frankly, but then that's me and my weirdness there. (Like I said, sorry!)

Anyway, this is really good. I wish I could come across works like this more often, but hey, some people's writing just isn't quite as developed as other's. Keep up the great work and write on!


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34 Reviews

Points: 419
Reviews: 34

Sun Jul 27, 2014 8:48 pm
Ossum wrote a review...

Wassup there, name's Ossum here for an awesome review. Get it, cause I am Ossum. Eh? Eh? Meh, hahaha. Alright let's get started here.

So I read this poem, not once, not twice, but three times. The reason being is because it caught me. Now, I will say that it did not catch me because it was neither good or bad the first time around. It was that it was neither. It was just as it was, something that I wanted to try and figure out the meaning of.

It is a truly complex piece of work that, even after the third reading through you can glimpse many different angles at with which you can view what you wrote. For example, the first time I read it through I felt as if you were describing yourself in a drunken state as you drove a bus. But it didn't quiet seem to fit, so I reread it, and then I felt the notion that maybe it wasn't you at all, and maybe alcohol had nothing to do with it. And instead, the haziness was the haze you get when you are left alone. I kept on reading and found many more different ways this can be looked at and even now as I am writing this, I am reading it again to make sure I came to the correct conclusions as a reader.

Now, that specific comment from me was said for this reason, and it is why I feel this piece went from a deeply brilliant piece to a very good one. The reason being is that, there are so many underlining pieces of the puzzle. Which is good, except the puzzle is jumbled to begin with. It is almost like, you asked the reader to solve a puzzle with two sides. As far as what your intended topic you were trying to voice. There is a basic, underlining theme which is ISOLATION.

That alone is the clearest of them all, but what failed to stick is the why. The meat to the bone as you would say. Are you making yourself isolated, what causes it, how it happens, alcohol, death, what is this all boiling up or down to?

But then, as I just reread it, and kind of typed it out I had a small theory. Which, if this was what you were going for, then I'll give you an applause.

Through isolation, people have been known to literally feel as if they are in some kind of trance. A haze of you will where, everything you see is both manifested in exquisite detail, and yet still hides everything. You see it all and yet it almost seems like you see nothing because nothing sees you. And that kind of emotion does not come out in just one kind of tempo. Its raw and shifts and moves and hides and fights and cries and many things.

If that was indeed your intention then all I would say is to brighten that contrast by using specific yet elusive conclusions to different subjects to give the reader a sort of ending to each. You feel this way, then this way, then this way, but leave it so that as you did here... they must find it out hidden between the lines of whatever mask isolated people always put on.

And of course if I am completely off, feel free to let me know. Hahaha. Sometimes I look to detailed into things, but it's what makes me a better writer. Glad to view your work, and can't wait to read more. :)

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28 Reviews

Points: 531
Reviews: 28

Sun Jul 27, 2014 8:43 pm
eleutheromania wrote a review...

Okay so I thought that this poem was very confusing. Honestly thought I think maybe I'm just a bit ignorant of the situations you've written about. It jumped around quite a bit and left me retracing my steps over the letters to regain the direction of the writing. Maybe if you expounded on each part a little it would've helped clarify what you were portraying. I have to say though, I really liked the imagery in this. I liked how you repeated gelatinous and I loved what you wrote in parentheses. I always find it interesting when an author takes advantage of the reader's reading habits to bring them in closer and sort of tell secrets about the subjects on which their writing is based. This too, was amazing:

"presently, the bus is full and the fuller it gets, the less people will talk to you, in the preoccupation of adolescence-"

From my own muddied and naive perspective, I think that what you've shown with the bus and specifying the ages of your characters is kind of mocking teenagers attempts at being grown up by talking about things restricted to older people. In the end, though, they just end up hurting themselves because what they're trying to comprehend by experience and wasting so much energy on is only taking away from their actual adolescence. They're ruining their futures by being overly eager for them to take their places. Anyway, just thinking out loud in this review. Thanks for sharing and being so original about this topic.

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208 Reviews

Points: 830
Reviews: 208

Sun Jun 29, 2014 12:20 am
rhiasofia wrote a review...

Hello there, rhia here to review this lovely review day!

As usual, I'll start with nipicks

gelatinous bass landscape, fighting the gelatinous texture

Maybe find a synonym for gelatinous? The repetition isn't adding to this poem, it's sort of taking away because gelatinous is such a mouthful of a word. Two mouthfuls of gelatinous is a bit much.

and yeah, I think that's all I've got. I seriously love your style of writing. It's so fun to read, but so full of whatever emotion you're portraying at the moment. Your overall style is just really unique to you, and thats really great.

Baesch says...

hehe, two mouthfuls of gelatinous. You don't really like my word choice, do you? XD First "eyeballs", then this :'D It was purposeful, because I usually hatehatehate repetition. I swear, is constantly open when I write.

rhiasofia says...

Alright, as long as you like it, I like it ;). It's only cause I usually love your word choice so much, it made those two stand out!

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240 Reviews

Points: 279
Reviews: 240

Sun Jun 29, 2014 12:20 am
AdmiralKat wrote a review...

Hello! KatyaElefant here to review! Let's see what we have here!

Let us talk about the things that I think need to be improved. I feel like the organization could improve more. You sometimes change paragraphs when you are in the middle of a sentence. Since this is poetry you could make this piece into stanzas. Also one thing that may be a reason why people have not reviewed this yet is because 1. People are waiting until review day and 2. The general idea is kind off confusing. I will tell you what I understand though. I understand the part about the bus and how they are seemingly on it but I am just confused. Could you care to explain what you mean? You could use something other than a dash for some of your transitions. Also could you care to explain why you have the last phrase in parentheses?

Now for the great things! :D You grammar and spelling is superb! I love the imagery in this. I can imagine this so well! I can see the bus and what is happening(just kind of confused on what IS happening). Your vocabulary is some that I barely see. I only see those words in old texts because people are now "modern" and don't like that. I could even dare to compare you with Mark Twain. I feel like you write just like him! I am actually reading one of is novels right now and I love it! :D Anyways, great job on this piece! Keep writing! If you can, explain this piece to me! :D


Baesch says...

Hi again Katya! :D

Hm, what was this about. Well, I live in rural Ireland and for some reason I've developed a real fondness for my school bus driver. He seems to exemplify a kind of poetic simplicity, a warm-heartedness and determination that I guess I'd never have noticed if I didn't live in the middle of nowhere, meaning that in my school days I'd spend 80 minutes a day on his bus.

I start out by describing the kids that get on and their interaction with him. Then he sits down and drives us off. At the end, I'm imagining what he'll say in the evening, when he's driven me home, and the way he'll drive the bus back home. It's really very simple. But I find that the smallest moments often yield the best material for me.

Also, haha, Mark Twain. Why thank you. I read an essay of his once in which he broadcast the merits of insuring yourself against death in bed, as it was by far the most spread illness. In fact, he tells us, better not to sleep in bed at all.

Hm, I don't know if I've done your question justice XD

AdmiralKat says...

XD I am friends with my school bus driver too. This clears things up quite a bit.

"It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small."
— Neil Armstrong