Young Writers Society

Hello Baesch,

I'm almost crying after reading this, I feel the emotion put into it. I know it's true, love leads to hurt. It almost always does. I have started to think that true love is only true in stories, but when I dream I don't know anything else. Love is a nightmare when it goes wrong, but when it goes right...

~Kelpies

Hello! KatyaElefant here to review on of your poems again! The end of Review Day is near but I can still manage to fit in a couple more reviews like this one!

I feel like that you could improve on your organization(you really need help on that). You don't even seem to have stanzas. If you need help with that just ask me I am more than happy to help! You just need a small theme to each stanza and then you are okay. You could also more the lines into better places. I like to keep the lines even and not have a short line and then a long line. There are some grammar issues but some of the other reviewers have already nitpicked that so I wouldn't go into that. I feel like you can expand a little bit more on your feelings. Add more stanza to this poem and you are going to do fine! Also, why do you have the date on there/ time/numbers?

I really like the theme of this poem. You always have a good idea, just executing it is the problem. My favorite line in this poem is "love is sadness, and I try to write quicker than I can feel because sadness fills my belly, love, time for more words." This line is just so meaningful to me. I don't even know why. Especially that part where they go time for more words! Just perfect! I love that ending! I feel like when you are in love you don't have words,you have feelings and you can't put them on the page quite right. Same with heartaches. Great job with this poem! I really like it! Keep writing!

Hello, Chips here with a review!

I liked how you tried to describe "love", which can seem indescribable to some. You have expressed it in a different way. You were able to create specific imagery.


"I love the world
love her too much to write this/ "

I found this first statement to be confusing, is the world, personified as, "her", or are they two separate concepts? It wasn't very clear to me. And I think a semi colon could be added instead after, "this".

"the fear sticks in my bronchus like plasic foil wrap
sighs out
like cigarette smoke"

You have a slight lack of punctuation. You also a typo, "plasic", should be *plastic*
I thought the expression referencing to "bronchus, cigarette smoke" etc.. wasn't the most love oriented, it didn't really create the imagery with connotations of love. It seemed odd if anything, in my view.

"very ordinary words tumble in little lead marks to paper

an ordinary love fills my heart up

I read beautiful words, and tears hurry to pool at the meeting of my nostril and cheek"

I'm not quite sure what happened to the formatting here, as these lines were not quite in a stanza not were they really related to each other. They had three different ideas and should have had some punctuation included in them.

"love is sadness,
and I try to write quicker than I can feel
because
sadness fills my belly, love, time for more words."

Here, there is another confusing beginning since you earlier began your poem with, love being "her" and the "world". The last line had quite a bit going on, it needed more clarity.

Overall this piece has potential. I hope it didn't come off as too harsh, this review had the best intentions to help you. Keep writing!

--Chips

Uni here for a review!

I am going to dive into grammar:

"very ordinary words tumble in little lead marks to paper" This sentence is sort of awkward and choppy, try to make it make a slight bit of more sense.

"an ordinary love", personally I think it would sound better without the "an". You don't have to change it of you don't want, I was just sayin.

I was wondering if you could explain me this sentence, "sadness fills my belly, love, time for more words." It makes little to no sense to me. You don't need to actually put the answer in the poem, I would just personally like to clear up the mud covering it.

I love the description in here, and how many emotions there are flowing through it. I love it and can't wait to hear more!

Keep up the good work!

~Uni

Hello, Baesch!

I loved your work and the scenery you planted in my mind and the feelings you evoked put me in awe. I can relate, so this left a strong impression. You used similes and metaphors that tied the piece together, but I wish the poem was longer and I wish you tried harder with engaging the reader with more unique imagery; it doesn't stick long in your mind afterward. First the narrator says "I love the world" and then they say "love is sadness," I feel it's contradicting each other in a way.

Great job! Keep it up! I might have sounded harsh, but I loved this.

Hey, Baesch!

Lovely to see that you are now able to publish works and even lovelier that now I'll get to review one.

This seems like a pretty simple, shallow but refreshing poem. It's trying to speak of an emotion that can't be really spoken of -- that's the nature of the emotion, so of course it's hard to write a poem about it. I think that especially with the first stanza and the line following it you hit a strong stride with your words. The images were concrete and strong and served to build the tone you were going for without fading too much into abstraction.

After that, though, the poem seems to falter. There is one attempt at a physical image, but because it doesn't really actually exist -- we think of the nostril as the hole, and the hole meets the nose rim, not the cheek, right? -- it doesn't work as well. The one line I really like in the second half is the "I try to write quicker than I can feel", because I think it's easily related to. I think it speaks to a common truth and that also serves as an anchor for readers.

I would recommend maybe trying to build up a belly image, since you mention that twice -- try to get the reader viscerally aware of their own stomach while they're reading so they can feel this unnameable emotion along with you while they read. Mentioning something physical and easily recognized gets us feeling automatically. Like mentioning the weight of the tongue in my mouth gets me imagine-feeling that right away, and I become aware of my own body, engage with the poem on a new level. You can do it!

I hope these thoughts are helpful for you.

If you have any questions or comments, please PM or reply to this review.

Good luck and keep writing!

*shivers*