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E - Everyone

Three Hearts: Part 1 : Chapter 1

by RedAlice427

“Lady Jasmine? Are you awake yet?” I heard one of the servants call from the door. My mind was scrambled and confused from the wild night that had recently passed and for some strange reason, there was a throbbing sensation on the base of my spine.

“Yes. I’m up. You can come in.” I called back and listened as the servant quickly entered the room with what sounded like glass clinking against one another. It was difficult to opened my eyes to see who it was but by the scent of their perfume, I could easily tell it was my favorite maid, Anna-Marie. Suddenly, a bright light flooded the room and violently pushed it’s way through my eyelids and into my eyes causing me to cringe in more pain. “What time is it?” I asked and slowly sat up. The feel of the Egyptian Silk bedsheets against my skin brought goosebumps and chills.

“It is a quarter past eight, My Lady.” Anna-Marie answered and the smell of something sweet filled my nose. Slowly, I forced my eyes to open and saw Anna-Marie pours what looked to be hot water out of a blue and white China teapot into matching teacups. My room was filled with sunlight from the open balcony windows and the black drapes were pulled back from their places. In my room there was my Red Oak wardrobe which held all of my gowns and shoes, my dress which held my underwear and fitters, my grand king size Cherry wood bed that had my white Egyptian silk bed sheets, there was a grand mirror beside the windows that was decorated with real gold bars and diamond gems, and beside the door was a grand desk which held all of my jewelry, hair bands, make-up and other essentials. My room was grand and often, it would become lonely but with Anna-Marie who would sometimes spend time with me on her breaks, I was a little happy living in my aunt's mansion. “Today I’ve made for you is a cup of your favorite White Jasmine petals with rose milk and sugar from the white bamboo sugar kaine.” Anna said and gently handed me a cup with a smile on her face. Anna was a beautiful lightly tanned girl with natural strawberry red hair that was tied up into a perfect bun, full pink lips, rosy red cheeks, large green eyes and a cute pointy nose. Though she was shy around everyone, for some reason she was very open and cheery when around me. Though she was just a maid to many people, she was the most important person in my life at the moment.

“Thank you Anna.” I said, taking the cup from her and feeling the warmth of the tea from the glass. The smoothness from the cup as I brought the edge to my lips seemed to always make the taste of the tea much more defined than it really was and this time, it was like drink heaven from a cup. The shock of the White Jasmine mixed with tang of the Rose milk along with the bamboo sugar kaine seemed to lift my spirits and melt away the pain of the nights past. My energy came back to my aching muscles, the tired feeling left my waking eyes and I seemed like I was ready to do anything impossible. “Ahh. Amazing as ever Anna. You never seem to fail me when making the perfect cup of tea.” I said and watched as she blushed and smiled at me. She was such a sweet young thing that I couldn’t imagine what my life would be without her by my side.

“My Lady? May I enter?” Someone called from my door.

“Yes. You may come in.” I called back in response and watched as the house butler, Alfred, walked in with a package in his old hands. “Good morning Alfred. And what might this morning visit may I know?” I asked.

With his shaking, ancient hands, he slightly lifted the package from his hands and answered, “This is from the Countess. She insists that you wear this to the meeting with the Count this afternoon.” Quickly, Anna-Marie took the box from Alfred with ease and sat it beside me on my bed as I continued to drink my delectable tea. She tore the wrapping from the box and opened a lid to reveal a exquisite evening gown inside. Anna-Marie carefully pulled out the expensive dress and held it up for me to see it’s entire complexity.

It was a large, poofy dark blue gown with elaborate sequence and designing on the torso part with a fluffy bottom which seemed to touch the bottom of the floor. Though it was beautifully crafted, just something about the dress itself I didn’t like. I didn’t know what it was but something about it was entirely off.

“Alfred, what is my aunt like today?” I asked and watched as his old, wrinkled face seemed to twist with a slight fear.

“The Countess is concerned about the meeting with the Count. She is pushing the staff to their limits and doesn’t seem to be in the pleasant of moods. May I suggest wearing the dress just so her Mistress won’t be in worst of moods?” Alfred requested with tired and fear in his eyes.

“I shall for only today though. I do not wish to wear this...gown all day for I may die of exhaustion.” I responded and watched as little relaxation seemed to fill his eyes a bit.

“Then I shall leave you to your changing and will be downstairs cleaning everything for the arrival of the Count.” And with that, Alfred bowed and left my room, closing the door lightly behind him. Alfred, just like Anna-Marie, has been there for me as long as I could remember. Though he had been there longer than Anna-Marie, he was just as important to me as she was.

“Are you ready to change into your gown, My Lady?” Anna-Marie asked. With a last sip of my tea, I placed the cup back onto the saucer and set it tenderly onto my bedside table, and got out of bed.

“Let’s get this over with so we can get this meeting over and done with.” I said jokingly. With a nod of the head, she quickly helped me slip into the lung crushing corset and slip into the heavy layered fabric dress. For a split second, I couldn’t breathe but nothing too serious. Finally, once fully having the dress on, I sat down in front of my desk with the mirror and waited as Anna-Marie brushed out my long, thick brown hair. The curls slowly began to form and my hair began to poof out with height and softness.

“Do you wish to wear makeup today or go bare, My Lady?” Anna-Marie asked and I stared at myself intensely until I noticed that I had no wish to go bare for my aunt would be furious with me.

“Makeup, please. I feel as though I need to wear something other than this dress.” I said and watched as she nodded her head and stood in front of me with a makeup brush and my pad of eyeshadow. Gently, she brushed on eyeshadow, ran little eyeliner on the tops of my eyelids, and brushed on mascara on my long eyelashes. I felt her brush back and curl some strands of my hair from my face and with that, she moved out of the way so I could see myself.

Satisfied, I stood up and walked out of my room, down the dark hallway which was only lit by the candles attached to the wall. Paintings of family from the past, of men and women, of ancestors that dated all the way back to the beginning of our family. But one of my most favorite pictures in the line of family portraits was the one of my mother and father who hung near the beginning of the line of the hallway.

My mother, Anderona, was a beautiful woman with long, straight brown hair, vibrant green eyes, beautiful porcelain skin, and the face of an angel. Everyone loved my mother for she was so sweet and kind to everyone who was near her. She loved everyone even if she didn’t know or just met them.

My father on the other hand was a big, broad man who seemed to scare many people who didn’t know him. In the portrait, his eyes were a deep, menacing dark brown which seemed to blend into a black, combed back straight brown hair, pale skin, his lips were in a serious position which helped give him a scary and threatening side. But beside what he appeared on the outside, he was quite nice deep down. He was caring towards the servants, he would help out with their chores or with setting up the dining table, and he never yelled at anyone for no reason. He was the best father in the world and both him and mother loved me dearly. They never sent a servant to come and care for me because they spent their every waking moment with me.

But after they died, life was different. I was so alone and none of the servants could fill the deep black void in my heart. For many years, I shut myself out from the rest of the world and I was in a state of depression to the point that I was ready to end my life. But Anna-Marie was soon put in charge of my well-being and she was the one who brought me back from my dangerous state. I realized, even though my parents were gone, I still had people who cared and loved me the same as my mother and father did. Thier picture hung in memory of them and everytime that I would pass them, I would smile and thank them for being there for me.

The staircase leading down to the main lobby came into view, the red carpet that covered the oak wood floor boards, the gold hand railing that lead beside the stairs, And the giant portrait of my aunt which hung in the middle of the wall. My aunt was a terrifying and demanding woman who got everything that she wanted. I was sent to be in her care after my parents died and she was much different than what I was use too. She would force me to go to her bizarre parties and force me to talk to the sons of most of the important people there to get me to marry one of them. But in the end, I would refuse to do so and she would punish me for not obeying her. Many times I would try to run away but she would catch me and threaten to cause harm to Anna-Marie and Alfred.

“Finally! It took you this long to get ready, and on top of that, the Count is about to arrive any moment now! Get down here and stand silently until I say so!” My aunt called up to me from the foot of the staircase. I looked down and saw her standing with her arms crossed in front of her and her face we set in an upsetting face. Her frown lines were deeply set more than normal which made me a little nervous about this meeting.

Countess Catherine, the head of the Wilhelm mansion, and the most richest woman in the country. She owns almost all of the silver, gold and diamond mines to the north and west of the Inacalo Mountains, while also owning the shipping yards east of the Terri Lysis River which lead into the Amigona Ocean, and owning the Trading Network which ran across the entire country of Tumular. And since I was the niece of the great Countess, every nobleman and woman wanted their sons to marry me so they would become just was rich as my family was. She was terrifying and also merciless, and she never gave anyone a second chance with anything.

“Get down here now! I’m tired of waiting on you!” She called out again and this time I listened. I quickly descended the stairs until I was standing beside her, feeling her evil glare on me until there was a loud knock at the front doors. Quickly, Alfred rushed to the door and opened it to reveal a tall man in a black suit and long black trench coat, white beard, combed back white hair, brown eyes and pale white skin. The air suddenly became still and something strange inched it’s way through my body, something about this man was...inhuman.

“May I introduce, Count Alucard.” Alfred announced and bowed his head in politeness. The strange man walked more into the house and the air became permeated with the stench of inhuman which caused my nose to burn and twitch a little. He walked up to my aunt and he was much taller than she was but he looked at her in a strange way, almost like they had a secret between one another.

“Good morning Count. I’m glad you were managed to get here during the daylight hours. I understand that you are sensitive to the light outside.” My aunt said.

“Yes,” The Count began, “It was a little difficult but thanks to my brand new carriage you so humbly gave to my family, there was no trouble getting here.”

“I’m glad. Now, may I introduce my niece, Lady Jasmine. Her parents were tragically killed five years ago and since then, she’s been in my care.” She said which meant that was my cue to start talking to him.

The man looked at me which sent a cold chill down my spine before he said, “I’m terribly sorry for your loss Lady Jasmine. If I could be of any assistance, please don’t hesitate to ask me anything.”

“Thank you, Count Alucard.” I smiled at him and watched as he bowed his head politely.

“Now, may I introduce my two sons, Lord Thomas and Lord William.” The Count said and moved out of the way. Standing behind him were two boys, possibly the age of eighteen or nineteen, but both looking different from the other.

Lord William was tall, pale skin with blond hair that was cut short above his ears and hung a little in front of his eyes. His eyes were a beautiful Copper brown which seemed to glow in the light and they were filled with happiness and joy. He stood tall with his back straight and in the proper manner that told everyone that he was taught his entire life how to be a proper Lord. His suit was crisp and clean, his buttons were buttoned, his tie was tied correctly and up to his neck like it should have been, his hands were behind his back and he smiled lightly. Lord William was perfect in every way, but his brother was a whole nother story.

Lord Thomas was the same height as his brother but instead of having blond hair, he had pitch black hair that hung over his eyes and ears, instead of having brown eyes, he had crystal white, pale skin, top three buttons were unbutton, his tie hung loosely around his neck, his hands were in his pockets and he slouched just a bit to give off a bored and irritated look. Much different than his brother and something about his eyes gave off a dangerous and inhuman tint to them.

“My Lords,” my aunt said and did a courtesy to them, “We are humbled to have your presents in our home. I hope that you will taking a liking here for your time staying.”

“Thank you. We shall.” Lord William said and smiled at her. Something about his smile was almost enchanting and I couldn’t tear my gaze from his face.

“Please to meet you my lords.” I said and did a tiny courtesy so my aunt wouldn’t be angry with me.

“The pleasure is all mine, My Lady. I am humble that you would take your time to have us in your place of house. Just as my father stated earlier, if you require anything, please ask myself or my brother for we are in your debt.” And with that, he gently took my hand and kissed the top of my skin with his soft lips as though my skin was as delicate as a flower petal. I could feel the sensation of blushing flooding my cheeks but forced myself to stop when I fell my aunts glare on me.

“Lady Jasmine, may you please show the Lords to their rooms as I talk to Count Alucard in private.” My aunt requested and I bowed to her in an answer of yes. The Count and my aunt walked into the library, leaving the Lords and myself alone in the lobby. It was strange to be standing beside two Lords...alone...with no one around to watch us.

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212 Reviews

Points: 3486
Reviews: 212

Tue Jun 24, 2014 2:07 pm
TheCrimsonLady wrote a review...

Hello, love!

Aurora here for a quick review!

Alright, so I have one big concern with this. I like the description you have given us, but you don't need to narrate all of it or go into huge detail.

Show, don't tell.

For example:
In my room there was my Red Oak wardrobe which held all of my gowns and shoes, my dress which held my underwear and fitters, my grand king size Cherry wood bed that had my white Egyptian silk bed sheets, there was a grand mirror beside the windows that was decorated with real gold bars and diamond gems, and beside the door was a grand desk which held all of my jewelry, hair bands, make-up and other essentials.

Ahh... first of all, that's a run-on sentence. Second, you could always have Anna-Marie say,

"Milady, if you don't get up now, your bedsheets will be wrinkled beyond fixing. It's the Egyptian silk in it, it is." She proceeded to laugh nervously at having been so forward with me and nod wisely at the same time, eliciting a grimace and a smile from me.

See? You cover the Egyptian bedsheets part and do a little character development at the same time. :)

Your pacing was good, but you have a lot of capitalization errors that you can fix.
I like the way the story is going.

Keep persisting, love!

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1416 Reviews

Points: 3633
Reviews: 1416

Tue Jun 24, 2014 11:29 am
Noelle wrote a review...

Hi there!

In my room there was my Red Oak wardrobe which held all of my gowns and shoes, my dress which held my underwear and fitters. My grand king size Cherry wood bed that had my white Egyptian silk bed sheets. There was a grand mirror beside the windows that was decorated with real gold bars and diamond gems. And beside the door was a grand desk which held all of my jewelry, hair bands, make-up and other essentials.

This is a run on sentence. I know that you want to explain what's in her room, but you can do this in the form of a few sentences. You don't have to stuff it all into one sentence. I went through and rearranged things to make four sentences just to give you an idea of what I'm talking about. You don't have to do it the way I did because, well, it's your novel at the end of the day. I'm just showing you an easier way to get the information across without it being a run on sentence.

Your third paragraph is quite large. I'd suggest breaking it in half or even into three. See, paragraphs can be short or long. It all depends on the writer. But when they get too long, they get hard to read. And that's how that paragraph is at this point. I was able to read through it just fine, but I found myself having to focus more because of the length. The rest of your paragraph lengths are great though. So refer back to those as you break up that third paragraph. I always try to make sure my paragraphs are about the same length. It doesn't have to be precise, but it should look about the same as you just scan through.

“Thank you Anna.” I said

I just wanted to point out a little grammar thing here. Whenever a character is talking to another character like this, you have to put a comma before that character's name. For instance, there should be a comma before 'Anna'. It's the whole "Let's eat Grandma" versus "Let's eat, Grandma" thing. What you have her isn't quite as drastic as eating Grandma (thank goodness!) but you still must use the comma.

“Let’s get this over with so we can get this meeting over and done with.” I said jokingly.

This line of dialogue is repetitive. First she wants to get putting the dress on over with, then she wants to get the meeting over with. Why don't you try to change it up a bit? Maybe say something like, "Let me get dressed so we can get this meeting over with" or maybe "Let's get this over with so I can suffer during the meeting later". Just something that will change it up a bit.

One thing I noticed while reading through this is that you have a lot of imagery. That's good! Not many people stick so much imagery and descriptions in the first chapter. I mean, it's always there, but yours is so apparent. I enjoyed reading your descriptions and getting a good look at what the castle looked like and what her tea tasted like and what the count and his sons looked like. I have to say, there isn't one thing here that I wish I had gotten more description about. Good job with that.

Now, I wanna talk about your dialogue for a second. I know that these characters are royalty and therefore talk formally. But at times it seems that you're forcing information into their mouths instead of telling us in the narration. For example:
“Yes,” The Count began, “It was a little difficult but thanks to my brand new carriage you so humbly gave to my family, there was no trouble getting here.”

I mean, the information about the carriage is great and everything, but would someone really say that in real life? I feel like this dialogue is a bit forced. Maybe leave a bit out and have him say something like "It has always been a bit difficult, but thanks to your carriage I had no trouble at all getting here". Jasmine's aunt already knows that she gave him that carriage, there's no need for Count to tell her of that. Then you can have Jasmie say something abouthow her aunt gave him that carriage.

Other than those few things I pointed out, this chapter is good. It's written well and definitely fits in with the time period that you're aiming for. And I definitely feel like these characters are royalty. Keep up the good work with your descriptions and dialogue!

Let me know when you post the next chapter! I'll gladly come back and read more :)

Keep writing!

It is spiritually invigorating, says a friend, who converted at eighteen from Christianity to poetry.
— Anne Lamott