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Young Writers Society


12+

Fading Fairytales - Chapter Seven (III)

by crossroads


(830 words for the Last Man Standing contest. Don't even read this <.<)

_______

The new king wasn't there to bid the count of Drakefort farewell. He stayed inside, somewhere behind the closed curtains and cold walls, with his crown and the royals lining to ask for favours or offering advices.

Iluan sighed, looking away from the castle. In the few days since Erion was crowned, the siblings have barely seen each other. Iluan couldn't quite lie to himself and pretend he missed them - the way Erion looked at him, with the same contempt that used to mirror in their father's eyes, and the way the others kept glancing in his direction as if expecting him to kill them all in their sleep, wasn't something Iluan was particularly fond of.

He smirked as he thought back to the past few days, and the way his siblings' attitude towards him has changed. Ever since the burial, the family reunion felt more and more like a trial.

It appears time is the enemy of pretending.

He said nothing as he followed Devin down from the mountain. The statues stayed behind them; tall and majestic, resting in the tall grass, with their bodies of animals and creatures, waiting for Iluan's next visit.

Little do they know they might be waiting forever.

With his little brother - seemingly as absentminded as he was himself - by his side, Iluan turned the smirk on his face into a small smile, greeting the queen. He wasn't expecting her there, seeing him off like back in the times when he was younger and traveling on his adventures. He knew she didn't approve of his choice of fiancée. But then again, he couldn't help thinking, she's probably even less fond of father's bastard son parading the castle's corridors.

Iluan had to admit, he missed his oldest brother; out of all the Verylle siblings, Ethian was often the only one whom Iluan felt truly close to, and although he was happy for Ethian when he heard he'd keep his position during Erion's rule, Iluan wished his big brother was there to wish him safe journey home.

Home... There was a time when you used to call this palace so.

"Travel safely," the queen said, cutting through his thoughts almost as if reading his mind.

"Thank you," he said, bowing his head slightly. "I don't suppose you wish to be invited to the wedding?"

She stepped aside for the servant to open the carriage for Iluan. "Not any more than I suppose I can change your mind about it."

*

Alone once again, as the carriage softly rocked down the road, Iluan pulled the curtains over the windows, hiding himself from the eyes of the city, and closed his eyes. In less than two days, he would reach the port - and from there, after a debate with his crew which he knew he couldn't avoid, he'd sail to the Invisible Islands.

To Rile.

A smile crept onto his face at the thought of her. Just a few years ago, she was looking at him through the bars, awaiting her execution - now he could imagine her looking through the window of their room in Drakefort, in her thin dresses of pale colours which fell so gently in the contrast with her dark hair. Waiting for him to come home.

He ran his fingers through his hair, shaking his head slightly. It was strange to miss her so much - never before has he felt like that about any of his lovers.

She's about to become your wife. She's not any of your lovers.

He chuckled, remembering the way they met; the thin, silent girl in the outfit of the castle's maid, serving wine to the royal family, glancing in his direction under long eyelashes. She only grew slightly taller in the years to come - the long hair, tiny freckles and figure that could put to shame some of the most beautiful sculptures Iluan had ever seen, haven't changed one bit. Opening his eyes, he could almost see her sitting there, looking at him with a slight smile from across the carriage.

Perhaps she really is a mage, he allowed the thought cross his mind. A witch, like her most famous ancestress, allegedly skilled in magic of blood and demons.

The carriage stopped, dispersing his thoughts into tiny fragments of memories and hopes. If she was a witch, I'm suddenly fond of magic.

"Sir?" He turned to one of the guards Erion insisted on sending along with him. The man was somewhat familiar, someone Iluan had probably seen around the castle, but nothing on his squared, expressionless face was memorable enough for the count to know his name.

Even now, Iluan only really got one good look of him; his light brown eyes, and strong chin, and traces of what might have turned into a beard given enough time away from sharp objects. Then before either man got time to speak again, silently creeping closer like a ghost in broad daylight, silver mist touched the ground - and there was no more words powerful enough to make them not feel threatened.

The Labyrinth was coming.

*


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1634 Reviews


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Sun Nov 02, 2014 6:34 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Aria!

You have to keep writing this! You can't leave me at this cliffhanger here. So much has begun happening, and I know you have so much to tell. And I know I really want to read it! So you should really keep writing. I can't forget about the Labyrinth now, and I can't stop wondering how they got Rile out of prison and free for this marriage to happen. So many mysteries remain in the air, and I know a lot more is going to happen to this family. Please don't leave us hanging here!

As for this chapter, I don't really have much to say because Silverlock and Jaye have covered the majority of things that need to be mentioned. I would've liked to know more about why the queen was there? I feel like you could've shown that despite his decisions, she did still love him because he was her son in the end. I know being very affectionate wouldn't have made sense, but perhaps a little bit more there would've been nice.

I also felt like Devin became totally forgotten once he saw his mother was there. He was the one who came to get him, so what happened to the goodbye that they should've shared? Why wasn't that mentioned? That might be something you want to add on there.

the siblings have barely seen each other.


So that we can keep this chapter in past tense that needs to be 'had' instead.

and the way his siblings' attitude towards him has changed.


Likewise, this also needs putting into past tense. 'Had' should be here instead of 'has'.

seeing him off like back in the times when he was younger


This part here is a bit hard to read, as in it doesn't flow too well with the 'off like back'. Instead I would suggest something like 'seeing him off like she would've done when he was younger.'

There really is nothing more for me to say. This is just great. And now I am going to go pester you on your wall so that you might post one more chapter for me. If you do, let me know and I will on it as soon as possible ^.^

Image

Deanie x




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 9:39 pm
Kelpies wrote a review...



Hello AriaAdams,

I can't stand the suspense! There is the labyrinth, the burning port, everything keeping him from his betrothed. I suspect that he will eventually find his way there. And the fact that there are no more chapters to read as of now, that makes me even more excited. I can't wait for your next chapter, as soon as I can I will subscribe to the club for Fading Fairytales.

~Kelpies




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Sun Jun 29, 2014 2:09 pm
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JayeCShore wrote a review...



Hi, J.C. here for a review!

You said don't read it so...have to read it.

He smirked as he thought back to the past few days, and the way his siblings' attitude towards him has changed. Ever since the burial, the family reunion felt more and more like a trial.

It appears time is the enemy of pretending.


In the first paragraphs you establish a lot about as a narrator. Though your voice isn't necessarily strong, or narrative, there is enough of your opinion seemingly thrown in with that of your characters to make it stand out, and be recognizable.

Throwing in those little "conclusions," like that above, help to get the reader in the right place and mood, without telling them that that's where they need to be.

The carriage stopped, dispersing his thoughts into tiny fragments of memories and hopes. If she was a witch, I'm suddenly fond of magic.


I found this part a bit humorous. Not because it's supposed to be, but I can see how much Iluan is struggling with his thoughts, and this girl. You state before that he's not truly in love with her, yet, she's occupy his time and he can't get her out of his head. Very human, easily related to, and a bit of fun to help the reading.

And that's the end, which means, good job! I usually have issues with most works out the wazoo, only voicing a few, of course, but this one was clean and well polished. Though there may have been a few mistakes here or there, I didn't really notice them.

Of course, it wasn't the best writing I've ever read, but it was good and solid. Something I would expect to find on the bestseller list. I haven't read any of the rest of the book, obviously, but that's my opinion about the piece, and I'm sure the rest of the chapters are much the same.

Thank you AriaAdams!

#D65F54 ">- JC -


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Sun Jun 29, 2014 2:27 am
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Snowery wrote a review...



Ari! Another FF chapter! Yesh! :D

Main Points

that used to mirror in their father's eyes,


I think I prefer the term "had been mirrored" instead of "used to" here, because at the moment it can read a little vaguely and doesn't flow so well.

the way his siblings' attitude towards him has changed.


You should elaborate a little more here, it's a little vague. Do you mean changed within the past few days or ever since he was with Rile? Also do you mean that their attitude changed from good to worse or vice versa?

felt more and more like a trial.


I love this. Especially it's double meaning. It could mean trial as in hardship and difficulty or as in court trial where his family are judging him for the choices he's made. Brilliant stuff. :D

as he followed Devin down from the mountain.


Great follow on from the previous part, it barely loses it's continuity, which I remember you being afraid of. So don't worry! All good :D

The statues stayed behind them;


I know I went on about this in the last chapter, and you seem to have added some detail here, but I was really expecting a fleshier description for these statues. I really want to feel the wonder that Iluan does when he sees them.

He wasn't expecting her there,


This should be: “He hadn't been expecting her to be there.” I try not to point out grammar nitpicks because I know you're quite capable of dealing with them yourself but this has been a continuous problems throughout the chapters and is something I've addressed several times. Though, I know that you're pumping these out at high speed for TLMS but just be wary and make sure to use the past perfect tense when talking about a fully completed action, otherwise it can throw your flow out of whack.

Ethian


I liked Ethian, I'm hoping we get to see him again? *puppy dog eyes* I also remember his chapter being my favourite and being superbly written.

"Not any more than I suppose I can change your mind about it."

You do a great job at conveying the personality of the queen in this chapter. You show that she cares about Iluan by showing up to bid him farewell but at the same time her tone is clipped and icy. I love it :D

curtains


You really like curtains don't you? ^.^ You mentioned them at the beginning of the chapter and Phys mentioned them too XD

her looking through the window


Fascinating comparison, the question now is: does she still consider herself imprisoned? Is her life on the invisible islands a false freedom? Just my analytical self pondering here :D

- the long hair, tiny freckles and figure that could put to shame some of the most beautiful sculptures Iluan had ever seen, haven't changed one bit.


I would put this sentence under some reconstruction, at the moment it doesn't flow very well, or at least could flow much better.

She only grew slightly taller in the years to come, however the long hair, tiny freckles and figure, that could put some of the most beautiful sculptures Iluan had ever seen to shame,
hadn't changed one bit.


It just flows much smoother and coherently like that. Also, here again we see a mixing up of "have" and "had".

like her most famous ancestress,


Is this Saonsorai? If so you should mention her name. People may not know who you're talking about. Unless... you don't want them to know who you're talking a bout? o.O

I'm suddenly fond of magic.


I like that XD Cute stuff.

The man was somewhat familiar,


Uh-oh, Silver's alarm bells are ringing. She thinks this man might be a bad omen. 0.0

silently creeping closer like a ghost


Okay, I fell like this should be a really powerful moment and it almost is. Your final sentence was great but this particular part that I pointed out I felt lacked description slightly. Where exactly is this silver (great colour choice by the way! XD ) mist coming from? It touched the ground, so was it floating before? Also by this point in the story we should at least start to have a vague idea of what this Labyrinth actually looks like.

Okey-dokey, so this was another great chapter! I really don't know what you mean by them deteriorating, in all honesty they're really not. I agree with Noelle when she says that your novel feels legit, it was one of the first things I noticed when reading your novel :) Your characters each keep showing solid personalities and I always have a hard time moving on to the next ones because I get so attached to the character of the chapter I'm reading. I really like Iluan, in the previous chapter I had my doubts about him but I've grown to really like him now. He seems like a great guy who genuinely loves Rile. There have been no problems with continuity between parts so far but just be wary in case, although it's looking good so far. :D So you better keep it up and happy writing! :D :D

Silverlock





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