Timmy here! :3
Since Therese (sisters always get in your way. >.<) went and reviewed all the emotional things I might have talked about, I will have to make this short and sweet - looking at mainly one thing in particular. Telling versus Showing. While this was a good chapter in itself, and one that establishes quite a few more things in mind about her character and such, there are certain aspects of it which could be perfected. And worked on for the re-write you were talking about.
Let's get started, then. c:
So, telling versus showing. In this novel, I am really seeing too much telling. And when I say too much, it's as though the chapter is simply stuffed with it, from beginning to end. While telling isn't a bad thing and definitely helps a piece (as long as it's only used when needed), there does need to be a stricter leash on it than with showing. I'll give you an example. ^^
Asenath was too tired to fight.
That is an example of telling. You, the writer, are telling us that Asenath is tired. Now while that may or may not be the proper time for it. And since you use telling so often, this was definitely not the proper time. Especially when you have so many different ways you could have shown us how she was tired. Asenath could have yawned, she could have groaned and displayed disinterest or just rubbed her eyes. Or perhaps she tries to say something snotty to Joseph, and she is too tired to think properly. Something visual is always better, because it gives the reader something to grasp. And that's good. :3 Without an image to connect the dots in your story, we're pretty much flying blind and by the seat of our pants. You need to continue giving us an image to keep us grounded, and so that we know what we're supposed to be seeing. So, in short, showing beats telling almost every time. Not quite every time, but close.
A burst of fear hit Asenath.
Another example where I would have liked to see showing her fear rather than telling. Why was she afraid? Tell us that. Also, showing things tends to give us something to connect to the character better, building their character with the way and reasons they react to things as we go along the piece. Kills two birds with one stone, doesn't it? Better image. Better character.
And then I see again a portion of the dialogue where it's like a talking-head interview, with no character movement or some such. Remember to implement other things into your dialogue - such as character movement and thought. Because by itself, dialogue makes a piece look empty. And while I won't speak again on the internal dialogue parts, I do think that a long paragraph of it is a bit much. I always thought internal dialogue was meant to make the reader know that the character feels a lot about a certain thing - whether in anger or happiness. Like a single word or quick sentence, just to accentuate a thought and made it seem more in the eyes of the reader. You have just about every thought she makes in first-person internal dialogue, which makes it more difficult to spread it through out the piece. So, instead you have it in big blocks only once or twice. Work on spreading the thought throughout the piece as one butters bread, and I would personally ease up on the internal dialogue. It can be more distracting, and because it's all first-person, makes her seem like a overly drama queen at times. In the end, this is your book and all I can make are suggestions. If you like those parts, then leave 'em. But if my comments help you seem them in a different light, then you know what to do. ^.^
I believe I have run out of things to say. >.< This is why I like being the first reviewer, being able to say whatever without being worried about repeating the reviewer before you. But one thing I will repeat. This chapter was really awesome. I enjoyed the painting parts so much, especially because Joseph is trying so hard to get her to love him. Each time she throws him off, but it truly seems as though she is starting to warm up to him. Slowly. Slowly. All good things are worked for, I suppose. And how he brought her old walls and old paintings back? PERFECT. That was the perfect thing to do, because it showed what he was willing to do for her - which is basically just about everything and anything.
Onto the next chapter! (any preferences or particular things you want me to comment on, let me know. I love doing customized reviews)
~Darth Timmyjake
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