Young Writers Society

I'm going to be honest. I didn't really like it.


Please don't take offense! I will give you some advice in hopes that it helps.
I've read my fair-share of poems and even have written a few.

I'll start with:

(First off, the grammar and punctuation is very poor. Please try and fix that. I will help.)
do not tell me that the lions

under my bed don't roar as

loud as those in the wild.

do not look down at me

because i wear my eardrums---> That too me doesn't make sense at all. You wear your eardrums?

like wounds to tell people---> Wounds too tell people? Doesn't make sense.

that I can hear. forgive me

that my shirt can't hide---> The rest of this makes decent sense.

my fur; my gloves can't

mask my paws. i'm sorry

about the noise, i'm just

waiting for my ears to stop

ringing so i can hear myself.

**GRAMMER AND PUNCTUATION CORRECTIONS**

Do not tell me that the lions under my bed, don't roar as loud as those in the wild.

Do not look down at me (Possibly instead of using, Do not look down AT me. Use, Do not look down ON me.)

Because I wear my eardrums like wounds to tell people that I can hear.

Forgive me.

That my shirt can't hide my fur; my gloves can't mask my paws.

I'm sorry, about the noise, I'm just waiting for my ears to stop ringing so I can hear myself. {I actually quite like the ending 'I'm Sorry about the noise, I'm just waiting for my ears to stop ringing so I can hear myself.}---> I would add: I'm just waiting for my ears to stop ringing long enough so I can hear myself.


Sorry if you took offense, I only wanted too help. Keep writing. Never give up, Chao!


Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14


Writer, Artist, Student and Reader

This is a rather interesting poem.

I like how you showed the idea that "I am a lion" without saying it. The idea that you're a violent person who is just as loud as a lion in the water is a striking image created by the comparison between the lion under the bed and the need to cover up your own wild instincts with shirts and gloves. I like the message this brings to the reader and the way that it brings it to the reader.

Perhaps we could get some more clarity about what a lion means in this poem. Are you talking about lions symbolically as the king of the savannah? If so, then what does it mean for you to be a lion? Are you a lion as in whatever you do, you are in control, the apex predator of your world? If you added more information about this, then you could have a better poem. Right now, my associations with being a lion are that your narrator is an aggressive dominant figure which will either bite your head off, or use you, depending on the mood.

Overall, I like what you did with the capitalization of the poem. It works well because it is a poem about being unable to conform to the typical expectations of society, and it allows us to see it first hand with the capitalization. You do need to decide if you're going to capitalize I or not though, because in the 7th line, you have it capitalized while elsewhere you do not.

In summary, I think you've got a good poem here. You have room to add to it if you want to, or you can leave it as it is and just look for words that you don't think make a strong ending, such as "as" in the second line, and conform everything to the same style or have a wider variation so that non-conformity becomes the thing you conform to.

I like the direction this poem is heading. Yet, I do feel that there is supposed to be more, and maybe you should have put more imagery or detail. I feel like I don;t fully understand it, then again I'm horrible at reading in between the lines. Perhaps that's the beauty of this piece. I would love to hear what you have to respond to my comment. I enjoy being able to understand others works when my brain is being so small.

Efer here to drop a review for you

Well, the title did make me think that I would be reading something about a cave, or dwelling. Even maybe something animal related given that animals and their dwellings are often considered Dens. There were some lions in the beginning and then there was some fur later.

Overall, I am not exactly sure the meaning of the poem, but I can definitely feel the emotion behind it.

Hey! Asteria here with a review.

Firstly, I like what I've read overall. The poem is concise without being laconic, which is something I find I've an issue with when reading some pieces; they feel too short, cut off.

What I will say is I feel the formatting choice is odd. You have some sentence endings in the middle of a line, whereas others are perfectly at the end which is more pleasing to the eye. Where I'm unaware of whether or not this is a stylistic choice, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

The only other thing I've got to say is that I find this a bit...confusing. The voice is wearing their eardrums like wounds to tell people they can hear, but then at the end they're waiting for their ears to stop ringing so that they can hear themselves. This may, in fact, be failure to translate properly on my end, so the confusion may be mine and mine alone. If that is the case, feel free to ignore this entirely!

I look forward to reading more from you, and well done on this piece.