Young Writers Society

Hey JayeC! Your adoptive parent here to review for you!

This is probably going to be a really short review seeing as the chapter itself is quite short. Also I have some pretty big shoes to fill, reviewing after timmy and James, so hopefully they haven't taken all there is to say

you would have laughed as well

I loved that whole beginning sequence! I really like your use of the omniscient watcher relaying his thoughts to the reader. It's quite creepy and sort of makes you uncomfortable and doubt yourself, especially with all his remarks about us "not knowing ourselves that well" and all.

One thing that i thought really stood out in this chapter was the depth of your imagery. I could really and clearly picture everything that was going on, the environment and the setting in general even though you've only used a few words. I could really see and feel the pain and struggle that this guy was going through and his desperation to get home. I could feel the atmosphere that you were trying to convey. I think to be able to depict all that in so little words show what a great handle you've got on writing. Great stuff!

Apart from that I don't really have much to say that hasn't been said already, so I'll end it here. Keep up the awesome work and happy writing!

Silverlock

Timmy here!

I don't have that much to say here for nitpicking, since Jameshunt has seemingly grabbed most of it brilliantly. So I will focus on the good points, and mention only the things that I find.

This was a very neat chapter, really. (Sorry I am reading this out of context, but it was top of the green room) I love how you use your style of writing, which is omniscient, I believe, to show your character's actions. How you still tell everything that happens to him in such a beautiful way, but without going into his mind. That is something that many writers simply cannot do. Tell a story which is beautiful and summons the imagination of the reader without using first or third person.

His heart stumbled, feet following, and as the sand came up to meet him, filling his throat and nostrils, he cried out in one last, petty attempt to summon the mercy of the gods.

To me, this was one big run-on sentence. It seemed like it just kept going, commas replacing periods. I think if you put a period after "nostrils" and reorganized the first sentence to be a complete one, that paragraph would sound better.
Oh, and I love your heart stumbled

They were all so smart, so self evidently brilliant

The first part of the sentence made sense. Perfect sense. But the second confused me. When you use the word, "self", its usually because the person thinks they are smart, and that term doesn't go very well with evidently brilliant. I think that you could just omit the "self"?

He spat sand, and blood, clawing through

I am not completely sure, but I don't think the comma is necessary here.

The sun and I, we were the only observers.

Omit comma, I think.

tears of his own on the soiled soul.

I think you meant "soil" not "soul", but whichever, the way you have it worded installs illiteracy. So you should change the second word of that description, unless the illiteracy was intentional, which is fine.



This was an amazing chapter! I love your way of describing things, which has no clichés at all in them. Not. one. Its really neat how you can do all of these unique descriptions, without ever going into the characters mind, and see what he sees.

One quick question, though. Who is the narrator? Just a person or being? Or is the narrator important to the story?
Keep me updated! I will go check out Chapter one now.
~Darth Timmyjake

Salutations, my friend.

Whereas your previous chapter was much longer than this one, the work you have presented is no less brilliant. However, I think that when you are to publish this novel - you are planning on doing so, aren't you? - you should avoid making this chapter so short by simply enfusing with chapter one. Were you to do it that way, chapter one will both begin and end with the omniscient narrator describing and commenting on the young boy's death, thereby granting a sense of completion to the chapter.

Now that I have concluded commenting on the length of your chapter, I may now proceed with the actual "essence" of it.

His heart stumbled, feet following...

This is a very original way of portraying the character's fall; I would never have interpreted the heart as being the cause of his collapse, but then again, your joy as a writer is devising and writing such ideas down, and mine is reading it - certainly a pleasure for both sides.

But Reader, they were not listening that day.

I have mentioned this in my review of the previous chapter, but I shall say it here again: I think it is very imaginative of you to combine the omniscient narrator and the first person narrator in such an ingenious manner. Truly, I would never have thought of it.

This technique also succeeds in making it more personal a story, as the narrator speaks directly to the reader - there it stands, in the quote. It reminds me much of how C.S. Lewis narrated his The Chronicles of Narnia - his novels were international bestsellers, so such a comparison further illustrates my high regard of the quality of your work.

And I laughed.

A rather cruel sentence, but then, the narrator does elaborate on it in the following paragraph.

You think me harsh? Such is the way of your kind, for you do not understand truth.

Indeed, truth is a matter of perspective, but what many who believe this philosophy fail to comprehend, is the existence of such things as universal truths - truths of an undisputed and infallibly trustworthy nature. But what the narrator states is true, for in our small-mindedness we often misinterpret events.

You see, each person interprets reality from their perspective and through their experience of the world. Were one to free oneself from the shackles of these perspectives and gaze at the world objectively, so many new realisations will come to pass, and with it, a better understanding of the actual nature of truth.

I had been watching him for some time, waiting, almost hoping.

Thus far, the omniscient entity has only been depicted as cruel and uncaring, but here we see that he/she/it is capable of other thoughts also, and with us is shared a small, but very important detail as to his/her/its motives.

But he was just like the rest. Feeble and frail, a spineless soul drifting in the midst of time and space. They were all so smart, so self evidently brilliant. Each one better than the next.

Ah, here a contradiction follows, which is in turn then followed by another elaboration, accentuated by the underlined alliteration. If we truly are as malinformed as this entity believes us to be, then we must carefully analyse his/her/its every word if we are to discover his/her/its perspective on the matter. I wonder how many readers would actually realise this...

Until they met their end.

A conclusion to the statement, emphasised by its standing alone in a paragraph. The reader is also left pondering the truth of the words.

I have witnessed it again, and again.

The repetition of again expresses the immense age of the narrating entity and provides a reason for his/her/its indifference.

And none can break past the bonds of their innocence.

This sentence makes one despair if one fails to be filled with that stubborn human determination to defy the odds and to shape one's own destiny.

He spat sand, and blood, clawing through the ripples of the earthen sea in one last attempt to return.

This is an excellent metaphor - so much the better were it not for that unnecessary comma interrupting the flow of the sentence.

A violent pain racked his body then, causing him to writhe on the ground, his muscles clenching tight. It seemed as if his limbs would rend themselves and turn on their center, but at last a final spasm. A final jerk.

A very effective and descriptive way of describing the boy's death this is, and I applaud the brilliance behind it.

A few salty tears dripped to the gravel.

What might seem a redudant sentence is revealed to be the final emotion of the boy at his death: sorrow.

I suppose.

It is interesting to note how this all-seeing entity is not always certain about his/her/its statements.

But then…there was the One. He who is always present, always mindful.

Here it is revealed that if the entity is indeed a god, he/she/it is but a lesser god and not the one, true God.

I could tell, because the clouds rolled in then, and He shed a few tears of his own on the soiled soul.

Here the entity's view of the boy as a puny being is contrasted with the "One's" grief at his loss. However, in cases such as these, all pronouns referring to the God must be capitalised, the underlined as well. It is easy to miss these nuances of writing, which is why one must be particularly alert.


As I was reading my review, I realised how akin it was to the kind of analysis of a literary text one would find in a school textbook. I suppose my review then serves the same purpose - to show the author what I thought of his/her text, but also to enlighten certain individuals who are better suited to activities other than analysis. Either way, I must, once again, express my pleasure at reading your work and I hope my review will be of use.