I started digging a hole
when I was five and I
lied to my mother.
The hole got bigger
when I started stealing
at age nine.
The drugs I got into
didn't help shrink the
hole when I was fifteen.
And the girl who I got pregnant
and abandoned at twenty-three only deepened
the dimensions of said hole.
But I didn't care.
But I did care
But no matter how many times I told the truth,
or how many times I tried to return my stolen items,
or however many times I went to rehab,
or how much money I spent on child support
I can never refill the hole back to the way it once was.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
I ABSOLUTELY love this.
Thank you!!
Hello, Chippy here with a review.
You have quite an interesting poem here. It could be interpreted in multiple ways, I liked how you continued on the narrative story, it was focused and cohesive. I do have some suggestions which may be of help to you.
I think your poem, in general would be easier to follow and more organized if it were split up into stanza quatrains.
"I started digging a hole
when I was five and I
lied to my mother."
This was a good beginning as you set the tone, in a minor way. It starts with a small hole and a small problem which later on get larger. I liked the build up of momentum.
"And the girl who I got pregnant
and abandoned at twenty-three only deepened
the dimensions of said hole."
Here, the line was a little long and the syllables were unequal. It could be slightly rephrased, in the last line "said hole", read a bit awkwardly to me so maybe a different word choice there.
"But I didn't care.
But I did care"
Her, the second line should also have a full-stop as its more or less the same sentence just a difference of apostrophe. I know it implies confusion but I would have phrased it in a more poetic manner.
Overall this piece has potential but it was very direct and needed more poetic devices used to be more effective. Hope this review helped. Keep writing!
--Chippy.
#TheFaultInOurReviews
Woah. Ok, this is a deep poem. I really like the chain-reaction thing going on here. This is really well done, but I have a few suggestions.
Firstly, I believe a few stanzas would fit here nicely and make reading it smoother.
"I started digging a hole,
when I was five and I
lied to my mother"
Each group of mistakes made could be a stanza, as well as the hole's getting larger part with it, as the example above shows.
Secondly, not all the lines are capitalized at the beginnings. This poem would be better off with capitalized lines, plus, capitalizing is an easy fix that doesn't involve any thinking over for new words to fit or anything of that sort. A simple fix.
Thirdly, you begin multiple sentences with 'but'.
"But I didn't care."
"But I did care."
"But no matter how many times I told the truth..."
This would be harder to fix, as I am seeing while I am trying to think of alternative options.
"Nevertheless, I didn't care."
"Though I did care."
"Yet no matter how..."
These would be stronger solutions, though I'm sure there are better ones out there besides these. It is your choice whether to change these or not. I don't mind if you use the examples I gave you.
I think there also should be a comma after the word 'support' in the second to last line.
This is pretty much all I see wrong in your poem. Now, I have pointed out the bad things, but I have not yet told you that this point of view really gave me a new perspective of how others think. I also really enjoyed that you based this on such a strong metaphor. It took me two readings on the first three lines to get it, but nonetheless, it is real strong and I love this particular metaphor a lot, especially the way you used it. Please write more, I really enjoyed reading this. I cannot wait to read more!
~Racket
When I wrote it there were spaces showing each stanza so I guess it must have reformatted itself when it published.
I'm glad you liked it, thanks for the review I will take what you said into consideration!
Yeah, the publishing center gets rid of stanzas. To make stanzas, put periods where the spaces between stanzas are, then color them white. That normally works.
Thanks for creating this poem! It was very well done!
Hi, J.C. here for a review!
Like Strange said, I thought it was great that we can make the connection between the hole, and digging our own graves, per say, which is something all humans do. We tend to forget that our past actions, no matter how much we wish to change them in the present, will have a direct effect on our future. That's just life, and you tie that in at the end.
Oh how true that is. We play it off like it's no big deal, but inside, we know the truth, adn we can't deny it.
Because of these lines, this poem feels far more like a poetic essay, or perhaps an essayist's poem. Tying up all the loose ends at the end is how essays work, so it all comes full circle, and no one is confused. If you take the poem as is, to be a literal piece with no frills, it's good.
As far as poetry goes, though, I feel this is lacking in may respects. There's no descriptive elegance, no intuition. It's all spelled out for us word-by-word in sequence. Not that it's a bad thing. In any case, there was a lot to gain from this poem.
Thank you FlowerPower!
#TheFaultInOurReviews
Thanks for the review!
Hey, yo, Flowerpower/Family Guy Lover! Strange here on this fantastic Review Day and I have a review for you.
Wow, that's deep. Seriously, no pun intended. You hit deep. See, this is a very emotional subject, with a great theme that's dark. My review might be a little short, but bear with me.
I'm going to break this down near idea for idea. The first idea is the hole. I'm aware of that expression about digging your own grave or just digging a bigger hole you can't get out of. Usually, that expression is used for more simple thoughts. This, is a dark and thoughtful thought that made me smile at how dark it is. "Strange, you dark person, why did you smile?" I've seen this idea before, but not really used like this. You handle it in somewhat of a less formal matter, but it's more powerful. You capture a struggle most fall in, stealing, doing drugs, getting pregnant, whatever. The metaphor in this is near perfect. You regret doing these things, but you can't fill up the hole. You can't get out of it. The message I conceived was "You'll regret it and will lead you onto a total path of utter destruction". That's a good message that is powerful, clever, and overall great. This is a fantastic poem, and I think a lot should read it.
Overall, great, great job.
Strange gives you..
9.7/10
Great job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.
#TheFaultInOurReviews
I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for the review.
Ack. It's a very sad feeling to write about, and it really leaves us at the end with this feeling of hopelessness and also nostalgia. You write about the same images you brought up in the poem -- those were like memories WE made together, the reader and the writer, so to go back to them in the ending sequence was like reminiscing on our life together, and it felt personal when it got so grief filled.
I wonder if this poem only works because it's vague. It's like the short story about how every angry word you say to someone is like pounding a nail in a fence, and even if you take them out later the holes are still there. It's not about any specific story, but just the idea that makes you feel sad.
At the same time, that short story had a lasting and concrete physical image, which is why I can remember it even so many years after reading it. This poem doesn't have a concrete physical image for me to remember -- it's just recalling the feeling, and I feel like when I walk away from this review it will be easy to forget this poem. You don't want that, right, so we gotta find a way to overcome it.
One possible way would be making it a specific narrative about a character. That way you could include specific details that would help us make new pathways in our brain and help us remember it in many ways. If you're very into this idea, you might even want to write a short story about it instead of a poem, but it would be harder to carry the baggage of so much time over prose, I feel.
The other would be trying to make your image / idea of the hole more physical and specific -- something we can carry with us.
Another option would be maybe trying hitting the poem from another way -- what if you wrote about the people he had hurt and the holes they were carrying? That might be enough novelty to make it memorable!
Either way, thank you for the moment of tragedy -- it was deeply felt.
PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review!
Good luck and keep writing!