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Young Writers Society


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Castor's Tale Chapter 5 Part 1 - Running to Check on Kalan

by Messenger


Miles was just stepping out of the inn, when he saw the horse trot down the steet. Castor was walking by, and she quickly hurried past it and around the side of a building. Miles walked down to street, stepping out of the way of riders and busy townsfolk, making his way to the horse.

That looks like Kalan’s father’s horse. Last I saw, Kalan was riding out of town on it.

Miles stopped dead in his tracks. Castor!

Mister Greene (Kalan’s father) stepped out of the stable where the horse now pranced back and forth nervously, riderless. The saddle looked slightly titled, like it had been jerked at. Miles rtan up to the skittish horse.

“Where’s Kalan?” Mister Greene said, running a massive hand through his unruly hair. “Where’s my son?” he asked, turning on Miles.

“I don’t know sir?” Miles said, stepping back a pace or two. “I haven’t seen him since he rode out of the village!”

Greene grabbed the horses reins and patted its side till it calmed down, all the why getting more agitated. “Where’s my son!”

Miles shifted his feet. “I . . . I don’t know sir.”

“Well call th’marshall!” Greene roared.

Miles mumbled something quickly and hurried farther down the dusty street, heading for the biggest building in the small village. It was pointy-roofed with red shingles and shutters. Miles stepped up the big stone steps and pulled open the double doors. What has Castor done?

Light poured in from two open windows, and splashed around, soaking everything in the golden warmth. In the center of the fifteen-by-twenty foot room sat a desk, at which was Marshall Deston. Behind him were two cells, both empty, save for the bucket and cot in each.

Deston looked up as Miles entered. As the doors clanged shut he stood. He stuck out a big hand. Miles took it.

“Hello Miles, what can I do for you?” he asked.

“I’m afraid the blacksmith apprentice, Kalan, has gone missing, Marshall. He left not an hour ago, and his returned by itself. Mister Greene is very upset.”

“Which way was he headed?”

Miles shrugged. “I don’t know Marshall. He left on the main road, but of course he could have taken plenty of side trails to get wherever he was going. Mister Greene would know.”

Deston reacted quickly, grabbing his cone-shaped helmet on his desk, and leading Miles out the door.The quickly reached the blacksmith, where Mister Greene was already mounted on his horse, which had finally settled, and stood still. Beside him stood another horse, an ebony black mare owned by the marshall, saddled and bridled, ready to ride.

“Marshall Deston, I be needin’ yer help. My son is gone missin’. I’d go after him m’self, but I figured that if he’s been ‘ttacked, I might need someone else to help me.” Mister Greene said.

Deston nodded. “Of course. A wise decision. I’ll call two of my guards to come with us.”

Miles stepped forward. “Could I come along? I’d like to see if Kalan is alright.”

Mister Greene looked at him from his heightened position, and Miles felt awkward, and just a little bit intimidated. But thankfully Mister Greene responded quickly. “It’s fine with me, long as the Marshall’s fine with it.”

“Well there could be danger ahead Miles. Are you sure you want to?”

There probably isn’t. If Castor has anything to do with it. “Yes, Marshall, I do.”

“Then get your horse and let’s move out.”

“I don’t have a horse Marshall, but I can run alongside.” Miles said.

“Very good.”

Deston quickly rounded up two guards, clad in leather armor, cone-shaped leather helmets, and red-and-white tunics with a black stallion, the coat-of-arms of the village, on them. Miles stood to one side as they spurred their horses forward. He then began to jog, easily keeping up with the pace.

He had been running since he was eight, and now could go for several miles at a good speed. He stayed about twenty feet behind the horses, that way the dust had some time to settle down before he ran through.

He had to admit that keeping up with horses was harder than just jogging at his normal pace, but he was conditioned. Running involves techniques, just like other things do, and he had had 7 years of practicing. A lot of it involved breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Deep breaths. Keep calm. Stay in sync.

He hurried down the path, thankful for the trees the shaded it from the direct blaze of the sun. Even so, within ten minutes he had worked up a sweat that soaked through his clothes. He would have liked to change into his pairs of clothes he had for running and working out, but this could be an emergency, and he didn’t want to lose valuable time.

The riders slowly pulled farther ahead of Miles, as two miles dragged into a third. They reached a fork and pulled up to a stop. He quickly made up the distance. When he reached them he slowed down to a walk, and breathed in deeply. His chest wasn’t burning, but he definitely could use the breather.

He took long breaths, filling his lungs with air. He wiped his forehead, and listened as the Marshall spoke.

“Which way would he have gone from here, Mister Greene?”

Mister Greene pointed to the left fork. “That’s the way to the McTacosh farm.”

They party of four turned and once again spurred their horses. Miles followed again. His mind was racing over the possibilities. Kalan could have been attacked by thugs, but why did Castor run in, just a few minutes before the horse did? Why did she run away when she saw it, as well? But she said she was doing laundry. Could I be over-thinking this? But if Castor didn’t do something, then someone else did!

And if someone else did, that very likely meant bad things for Kalan. Miles picked up his pace, ignoring the small cramp that was sliding into his ribcage. He was getting panicky he realized, and wasn’t breathing efficiently for running. He came to a stop and gathered himself. After a one-minute breather he resumed, this time at a pace that he could keep up with, and soon he saw the Marshall, two guards, and Mister Greene up ahead.

They were reining to a halt. Miles didn’t see a fork up ahead, which meant that they must have encountered something, or someone. He put some extra energy into his effort and reached them within twenty seconds.

Everyone was dismounting. He pushed past the guards to the front of the group. There, in the middle of the road, swaying like a reed in a storm, stumbled Kalan. Tears streamed down his face, which was smeared with dirt, his shirt and pants were torn, and his right arm looked twisted at an awkward angle. What happened to him!


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Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:06 am
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BluesClues wrote a review...



Hello again!

I like seeing a chapter which figures with Miles as the central character, because we learn more about him. The running is done very nicely, although it might be a good idea to describe what speed the horses are going at (walk, trot/jog, canter/lope, gallop) as well, because a human could keep up with a walking or possibly trotting horse, but beyond that I don't buy it.

The only thing that kind of got me is: why was Miles the one to tell the Marshall that Kalan is missing? I mean, Kalan's dad is right there. And considering Kalan stopped at home before heading for the McTacosh farm--which we know because that's where Castor saw him and planned her prank--I mean, his dad was actually the last person (other than Castor) to see him before he went missing, right?

Unless I misread all that and Kalan and his dad were at the inn when Castor saw them and planned her prank. Even so, it would still make more sense for Kalan's father to tell the Marshall what happened, because a) he's Kalan's guardian and b) he's still the last person to talk to his son.

Next chapter tomorrow!

Blue

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Sat Jun 21, 2014 2:50 pm
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r4p17 wrote a review...



Knight r4 here to review this work Mess! I would have caught this in the Green room but I was at camp. I certainly hope this helps! :D

I guess I will take a look at the nitpicks first.

It was pointy-roofed with red shingles and shutters.
I think you could use a little more description than pointy roof. You could say it had spires or steeples or something of that sort.

In the center of the fifteen-by-twenty foot room sat a desk, at which was Marshall Deston
This should probably reworded. The was doesn't flow well though I know you were trying to avoid using the word sat twice.

and his returned by itself.
I think you just forgot to insert horse. But that's a pretty small mistake

After a one-minute breather he resumed, this time at a pace that he could keep up with, and soon he saw the Marshall, two guards, and Mister Greene up ahead.
I think this is a little too wordy. You might want to break it up into separate sentences or at least inset some semi-colons. You could also take out the one.

Aside from these few things I thought this was a good chapter. My only problem is that this story is written from so many POV's that I might confuse some people. But I did enjoy the excitement I will definately read more! Well that's about all I have to say. Happy writing!!! :D




r4p17 says...


Note the the different POV's isn't a huge issue but I just thought I should mention it.



r4p17 says...


Note the the different POV's isn't a huge issue but I just thought I should mention it.



Messenger says...


the POv's shouldn't pose a big problem. I haven't heard anyone state anything about it yet, and i've had about 15 people read at least some bits of the story. I'll hop on those redos when I edit!

~Messenger



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Tue Jun 17, 2014 7:31 pm
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Deanie wrote a review...



Hey Mess!

Decided I should at least try to review one of these today after all. One thing which is funny though, is that I could've promised I'd already reviewed this before... *raises eyebrows in wonder* but then how can it be in the Green Room again? That's really weird :P I will try and review it, uh, differently than I may or may not have before?

I was curious as to why Miles has to run. Surely, there could be room for him to sit on the back of a horse or something. Yes, they might have to go a little bit slower so he doesn't bounce off or anything (admittedly I know a very limited amount about horse riding) but surely there should be more efficient than having him running? Also, if they are galloping off in a rush to find Kalan as they should be because he could be in danger, there is no way that Miles would ever be able to keep up. Horses are very powerful and very strong creatures when moving fast, and especially at full place. And I doubt the Sheriff would invite along someone who could slow them down when his citizen is in danger somewhere. So I am not sure that the whole running idea is too good of one?

Aside from this, I have a few nitpics! Tut-tut, spme of these are merely typos! A quick once over before posting with a careful eye could easily get rid of these ;)

Miles was just stepping out of the inn, when he saw the horse trot down the steet.


Typo when it comes to the word street. I also suggest you remove the comma from this sentence.

Miles walked down to street


I think you mean 'the' instead of 'to.'

The saddle looked slightly titled, like it had been jerked at. Miles rtan up to the skittish horse.


Small typo when it comes to the word ran, as well as titled should really be 'tilted'. I have seen this mistake before for you! So try and bare it in mind when writing either of those words :D

and his returned by itself.


I believe you are missing out the word 'horse' after his.

What happened to him!


Even if you are trying to put emphasis on it, the exclamation mark should be still be a question mark nonetheless.

This may be a short review from me, but I've got to run. Hopefully the next one can be more helpful. But Noelle did a fab job of this already :)

Deanie x




Messenger says...


hmm . . . i had those typos corrected. i must have copy-pasted from the wrong spot. i shall get dem fixeded soon



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Mon Jun 16, 2014 2:45 am
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

Miles was just stepping out of the inn, when he saw the horse trot down the steet. Castor was walking by, and she quickly hurried past it and around the side of a building. Miles walked down to street, stepping out of the way of riders and busy townsfolk, making his way to the horse.

Hm...this paragraph is a bit confusing to me. I had to read it a few times to really understand what was going on. I think the problem here is that you're taking two perspectives and smashing them into one. For one thing you have Miles who is stepping out of the inn and walking down the street. But you also have Castor here who sees him and hides. I'm assuming from this that he doesn't see her, yes? So I'd suggest breaking these two events up. Either write the two sentences about Miles first and then mention Caster hiding from him or split it into two paragraphs. At this point it's a bit hard to understand what exactly is going on and who knows what.

So in this chapter, we learn a bit more about Miles. Before this, I knew that Miles was quite unlike his sister. He wouldn't let someone bait him into a fight. He wouldn't retaliate and do something terrible, then lie about it to the people he loves. But in this chapter we learn a lot more about him. We learn that he is a compassionate person with a kind heart. Kalan might be totally mean to Miles's sister, but Miles is still concerned about what happened to him. Most siblings would most likely automatically hate that person and be slightly happy that something bad happened. But Miles isn't like that. Instead, he's willing to come along, running alongside the horses, just to make sure that Kalan is okay. If that doesn't show compassion, I don't know what does.

Despite this only being the fifth chapter, I feel like I know enough to comment on the plot and the overall feel of the novel so far. It's been very strong so far. I can follow it easily and the changes in perspectives don't confuse me at all. Your timing is on point as well. The novel has the same timing throughout. I can follow it easily, keeping track of what's going on. Keep up the good job with that.

I do have one thing that I want you to consider as you continue this novel. Now, I know you're already on chapter 6, but this could help you later on or even when you go back and edit. I feel like I'm not totally sure how Castor and Kalan and Miles all know each other. I mean, I understand that Kalan comes to the Inn a lot, but how did this all start? I'd like to see a little more backstory behind their relationship. I'd also like to see more of Kalan! If he's okay that is. Gosh, I don't know how I'd feel if he's...gulp...dead.

Another good chapter you've got here. I'll get to the other ones soon!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**





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