Violations and Wounds- Chapter 1

by xfabulisaa

Published June 11, 2014

12+ Violence

In Violations and Wounds

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© copyright May 2014, xfabulisaa

It was winter's eve. Melanna Walfield sat cross-legged on the two seater armchair in her single storey bungalow. She gazed out of the white pane window, her pupils concentrating on the leafless tree which held a tire for a swing. A heavy blanket of snow concealed the driveway, slowing down traffic as employees honked and yelled to move on, but it was useless.

The first snow was a day when all lies were forgiven, a day where empty promises forgotten, tragedies disregarded and deaths disdained. Melanna had lost a loved one seven years ago. On this day, she would try to forget, strive to dismiss the thought of the brutal scene that took place right before her eyes as her cries were muffled and her tears streaming down her face. She let out a blood-curdling cry when her brother's lifeless corpse was plopped into her arms, the blood and gore smearing on her trousers, matting her hair, as she kneeled on the wilted grass in the gloom.

The thought of the murder would make Mella tear up. She devoted her life to her brother. He had saved her countless times from high school bullies, intentional punishments and abuse. They ran away to a homestead where a widow was more than delighted to take them in and to care for them.

"Leon! Leon! It's time for your porridge!" the widow had called out to Mella's brother who was catching butterflies in the meadow where the cattle grazed.

"Alright, mommy!" Leon replied, scurrying to the homestead as fast as his legs could carry him. Mella and Leon had addressed the widow as 'mommy' or 'mom' after receiving care and proper management. The widow, Patricia, felt no longer alone with the company of the two children in the house.

Patricia had played an important role in Mella's life. She would give advice on women's health as Mella grew. Patricia was Mella's motivator and teacher, guardian and caretaker.

. . .

Mella admired her beauty in a venetian mirror that hung sturdily on the bathroom wall. The woman that stood in front of her was stunningly beautiful. The wavy auburn brown hair gave an affectionate touch to her oval face. Flat lips shaped her mouth, dainty eyebrows, pointy nose and round, coffee-coloured eyes perfected the look. She had on a peter pan collar blouse in maya blue, a pair of ripped denim jeans and velvet chukka boots that sustained the warmth of her feet. A gold chain necklace that drooped to her chest, a pair of ribbon ear studs and midi rings for accessories.

The crackling fireplace drew her attention. She scooted into the living room, picked up the fire iron from its rack on the brick wall and tended to the fire. Sparks were emitted as she placed the poker back onto its holder. She squatted on the shiny hardwood floor, her back deriving heat from the blaze. The crackling sounds were so satisfying— she felt dozy as her eyelids fluttered to keep open. She curled into a ball on the carpet that was only few inches away from her, napping without disturbance as if she were a feline enjoying luxury.

. . .

Mella awakened few minutes after the roaring blaze extinguished. The heat was no longer present. It shook her awake; she was highly sensitive. The wood had been used up. It was quite peculiar, as she was certain she had stocked plenty of hard, dry oak into the grate. She felt a sudden dizziness as she stood up, leaning on the leather wing chair for extra support. She urged to the front entrance, needing fresh air. A wreath hung on the white paneled door as she staggered towards it. She seized the brass handle, and wrenched the door open. As she stood on the porch, a gust of icy wind blew across her face, sending shivers down her spine.

The sky glowed a dark shade of lavender and azure. Dusk was falling rapidly, darkness was soon to come. She gripped the porch railing with her delicate fingers, the heels of her palms pressing firmly onto the polished wood, her wrists tightening as the translucent blue of her veins protruded slightly while she exerted her full weight on the banister. Staring effortlessly into the beautiful landscape, engaging into wild imaginations that were impossible to take place in life, she pictured canna lilies and lilacs blooming in the freezing climate, the traffic flowing swiftly on this exact moment, and her brother beside her, grown up, successful, healthy and good-looking with a new family.

She sniffed as the thought of her brother came into her mind. She stepped back from the banister and shook her head. No, Leon can't come back to life. This is stupid.Mella took Leon's death very critically— a word of him would send her off in tears, weeping for a week straight. She exhaled a puff of icy breath, and sighed as she turned to face the door.

With the flick of a switch, the pendant light that hung from the ceiling brightened, producing a radiant energy that lit up the porch. Mella strode into the house, slamming the door behind her, rattling in its frame. A thought occured to her as she added it to her to-do list: Town. I'm going to town tomorrow.

Comments & reviews · 7
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Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review Review · Jun 12, 2014

Hi there!

Melanna Walfield sat cross-legged on the two seater armchair

Just a nitpick here. A two seater armchair would be a loveseat or a sofa. An armchair is made to seat one.

Patricia had played an important role in Mella's life. She would give advice on women's health as Mella grew. Patricia was Mella's motivator and teacher, guardian and caretaker.

I feel like this is a bit too formal for what you're writing here. If that was your writing style then it would work. But from reading this chapter, I see you're more carefree with you writing than that. I know that you have other ways that you can describe Patricia than what's written here.

So there really isn't anything else that I can comment on. I apologize for this review being as short as it's going to be.

You have a lot of description in this chapter. It made the story flow really well. Nothing seemed forced, which is quite easy to do with descriptions actually. Sometimes writers feel like they need a description at a certain point so they force it into their story. But not yours; yours make for a seamless transition. Keep up the good work.

I like the subtle background information as well. It's not all up in your face. It's not like, hey here's what happened when Mella was young! Just like your descriptions, you fit in the backstory in the right places, places where it seems just right.

Alright, I'll go check out chapter 2 now.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Thank you! I guess I've made a mistake on the chair one. I'll improve it the next time. Thanks for the great advice, although I'm not quite sure whether my descriptions are alright. I tend to over-describe sometimes. I'm glad you enjoyed it, I really do. I appreciate it a lot. For the last time again, thank you! :)

-Lisa

User avatar
Laure
Review
Laure wrote a review Review · Jun 11, 2014

Hai! Laure here for a review! This is quite good for a first chapter, I feel like is been so long that I've even praised anyone on YWS it feels strange to me now. What really hit me the moments started writing this was your descriptions. I have to admit, they are quite lovely and well written. Even though I detected a few places where you over described things a bit, I still think that on the whole. You've really got a knack for descriptions. You are always consistent with your character, language and pace I will go deeper into each of those points. Hm, let's hit off with some technical stuff like word order, spelling and grammar.

Your spelling and grammar seems to be pretty flawless. Though I notice your use of 'that' at the end of the seventh paragraph. Such as, the something that hung, the something that dropped. The use of that here, is a classic device that turned your showing into telling, in this case, without the 'that', your sentences would actually portray a better image. Though this is only my advice, the final decision is up to you.

'a gust of icy wind blew across her face, sending shivers down her spine.' This is a very cliche line, from what I've been reading I believe you can do better. xD

Second third last paragtaph, that was what I was talking about when I said you described too much. It was like a detail study of her hand movements which was a bit too much, we don't exactly need to know the tiniest detail of her hand, it was a lovely description but a bit unecessary.

'Mella strided into the house,' the past tense if strided, is strode, perhaps a typo?

That's all for technical. I will comment briefly on character and writing style.

Your writing style tends to lean to the descriptive side, which isn't a bad thing because it shows a lot of what you want rather than tell. However, you do have a tendency to sometimes over describe something when is not that essential or necessary to do so. So in the future, watch out for those. You seem to write in a rather narrative voice with descriptions, so I guess that balances out your show and tell. Your general pace is good, your language seems pretty stable. Not much to nitpick.

I have mixed opinions about Mella, she seems an independent if not a bit vain from that observing herself in the mirror. I meant to ask, was that your point to demonstrate that she knows how beautiful she looks or are you just trying to show us a descriptions of what she looks like? I'm guessing is the first one, she also seems to be a very sisterly character from the way she reminiscent about Leon. For a first chapter, you've developed her pretty well.

I'm going to review your second chapter~

-Laure

Hi Laure! Thank you so much for the advice! This was the advice that I really needed coming from an experienced writer. I will try my best to improve more on my third chapter. And yes, I was actually demonstrating that she knows how beautiful she looks.

I have quite some trouble with describing things, sometimes I realize that I describe them too much as well. But everyone learns from mistakes, right? xD
And as I was reading your lovely review, I actually felt a whole lot happier because I was going through some issues at home. Once again, I would like to thank you over a million times for this kind review. It actually gave me quite some confidence for my next work. :) It just brightened up my day.

Laure replied · Jun 12, 2014

<3 I'm so glad I'm able to help you, this is perhaps one of the nicest feedback I've gotten back from a review. :/ Aw, you're having a tough time at home? If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always here for ya.

-Laure

Random avatar
Dragoon120
Review
Dragoon120 wrote a review Review · Jun 11, 2014

This is just... Brilliant!
I love how you describe things, I can really imagine the scenery. My favorite description is when you described the sky when Mella goes outside.
I have no corrections to give, but it might take a sharper eye than mine to find anything.
All in all, I love it. You're an amazing writer, and I would love to see more of this.

Thank you so much! I really appreciate it :)



not to be woke but i just can't go around eating houses
— chi