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The Psychic Circle: Chapter 7

by deleted3


Naomi Silverton was in her home when she received Alexia's Call.

She and her mother were having their usual evening chat in the sitting room, the TV playing on low, quite ignored in front of them. It was guy talk tonight - a guy called Reggie had asked Naomi out, and she inquired from her mother whether it was too soon after her breakup with Bill.

An eavesdropper would hear the familiar girlish titter associated with the ritual taunting of the opposite sex. This eavesdropper, not knowing their relationship with each other, would assume that they were the best of friends, from the way they finished each other's sentences, or the way they sometimes seemed to speak in a code no one else could understand. In a way, they were indeed the best of friends.

Ever since her father had died, Naomi and her mother Tracy had felt a strong need to lean on each other emotionally. Her mother who was an artist, had found it hard at times to support them both, and Naomi was always ready to start a part time job to help her out. But Tracy almost made a religion out of independence, and insisted she could pull through. And she usually did.

"I'm hungry." Naomi announced.

"Well, fetch the tea then!" her mother said.

"No way, I did it last time!" Naomi protested. She glanced at her mother, catching a very mischievous grin on her face, and her fingers raised, waggling in the air in a threatening manner.

Naomi gasped. "Oh no, now you know that's not fai- eeek!" Naomi exploded into squealing giggles as her mother tickled her relentlessly. She escaped so quickly, she almost stumbled. "You are so sneaky..." but another waggle of her fingers got her walking briskly to the kitchen, grinning and shaking her head.

She got herbal tea bags from a honey jar in the top cupboard (they both enjoyed herbal), and collected an artsy tea set onto a tray.

"I'm waiting!" her mother yelled from the couch.

"Maybe I would be faster if you, like, gave me a hand!" Naomi hollered back, grinning. She had an impulse to run to the sitting room and play-wrestle her mother.

When she had placed the biscuits on the tray, she carefully lifted it, walking slowly across the slippery kitchen floor. In fact, she was right at the border between the tiles and the carpet when It came.

Without warning, her head was split in two by something loud enough to burst her eardrums if it had come from outside of her head.

But it didn't.

It was in the exact centre of her brain, where she couldn’t reach or stop it. Then, just when she thought she would go mad, it stopped as abruptly as it had begun.

As she came back to awareness, she realised her eyes were closed and her hands were grasping her head. She opened her eyes with some difficulty, since her tight squinting had locked her eyelashes together. She was kneeling on the ground and the tray and its contents were splayed on the carpet. Most of the ceramic things were broken.

She felt a pressure on her shoulder. She turned and looked at her mother on the floor next to her, with an agitated expression, her mouth moving soundlessly. Then, as suddenly as if she had switched on a radio from zero to maximum volume, sound returned to her ears.

" - you ok?! Answer me!" her voice was quivering slightly. Naomi managed to voice out an "I'm fine" before her mum pummelled her with questions. What happened? What should I do? Has this happened before, are you sure you're ok...

She heard a familiar buzzing as she heard several thoughts coming at once from her mothers mind. Soon, she would tell her to lie down. Then she'd call the doctor, who would promise her a check-up the next day. Of course then he would find absolutely nothing wrong with her. It would not be what Naomi could read at the front of her mother's mind, clear as day.

This was no tumour. It was a Distress Call, plain and simple. But she hadn't had one for nearly two years...

***

The neon lights of the old building flickered violently from possible over use. If the bar known as The Shack was a car, it would be a three-wheeled-cart pulled by a lame donkey. Everyone knew the place was going down. Surprisingly, it had lasted quite a bit longer than most expected. It definitely earned its name, with bits of ceiling coming apart occasionally and its flaking walls. Still, it remained a popular social attraction for more people than it legally should have.

For Jake Smith, it was the perfect place to pick up girls. Besides the fact that the beer was cheap, if he came at the right time, there would be a recently dumped, loveless, pretty girl, wallowing in misery. And he would be her Prince Charming, ready to scoop her out. When he was done, he would throw her back into her pool and search for new fresh 'fish' in the chain of clubs that was his 'sea'. If there was something Jake was good at, it was Charm.

The moment he was waiting for came. She came in a flurry of tears, dressed in lilac skin pants and a tank top. At a glance she looked not much older than 19. The sweet type. Easy.

He flicked his cigarette butt into the gloomy corner he was standing and stepped into the light of the bar. His unshaven face gave him a rugged look that many females found highly appealing. He moved casually towards the entrance.

She sat at the corner of the bar under the broken light, obviously trying to be inconspicuous. She was failing miserably.

He slicked his hair back and began to walk coolly across the bar. Only, he didn’t make it.

His head split in two - he didn’t even realise that he had fallen to the beer-stained floor, nor was he aware that he was cursing. When he regained control of himself, he was looking up at two rather well-built bouncers. They didn’t look happy.

"Hey guys." Jake grinned stupidly at them as one of them wrapped his large hand around the front of his shirt, using it to lift him up. He had a second in which he turned around and caught a glimpse of the girl. She hadn’t moved, but there was a man with a goatee approaching her, holding two drinks. Damn.

Before he knew it he was outside, face-down in a puddle that smelt rancid. He lifted his face out and shook his head like a dog.

"Oh, Alex you crazy red head." He murmured as he wiped the gunk off his face. "What have you gotten us into this time?"


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Wed Aug 27, 2014 3:10 pm
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borntobeawriter wrote a review...



Aw, man, this is BY FAR my favourite chapter!

I completely ADORED the mother-daughter Relationship. The daughter in me wishes I had had that kind of Relationship with my mom. The mother in me hopes I will be like this with my daughter. So, thank you for these emotions.

And, apparently once again, I'm heading in the opposite direction from everyone else: I ADORED Jake. I love flawed characters. Of course, he's a total jerk, but that makes him interesting. We already 'know' a lot about Naomi. But Jake? Ah, well he's a mystery.

And this chapter didn't feel like it was written by Younger You. It felt more... mature? The details were better, the descriptions were spot on. My ony nitpick is this: if The Shack was such a seedy place, why were Young girls going there? I mean, you wouldn't catch ME in a place like that, so why would these girls go?

AWESOME chapter, keep up the great work!




deleted3 says...


Awesome! :-D Grinning unstoppably from ear to ear now! I wrote that mother-daughter scene coz I didn't want to just write about broken people. Sure, Naomi's life isn't perfect (absent father figure), but I wanted her to derive her strength from joy. Writing this scene made me happy too! And I'm glad that you especially liked it, coz I really felt the disapproval for the Alexia father-daughter relationship! Hehe, don't worry, it won't be broken forever.

I like how I can get so many different perspectives from all my reviewers... it's fascinating when favourite characters differ from person to person! Heck, I'm glad when any of my characters I liked or hated by you guys hehe. The worst response I could get is indifference in my view. Feedback also helps me decide how much page time I should give each character in future chapters...

I guess with the young girls going to the seedy place, I think I was trying to justify it by the girl being heartbroken and not in her right mind...? Hehe, will think about the reasoning here.





DEFINITELY think about the reasoning, but the thing is, I like the description of the Shack. But it wouldn't make much sense for Young girls to be going there. So maybe the Shack caters to Young girls for whatever reason? Or maybe it's just where Jake goes between hunts for his 'prey'? Good luck!



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Wed Aug 27, 2014 1:21 pm
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ThereseCricket wrote a review...



Hi! Cricket here for a review! :D

Well after reading this chapter, and then reading the reviews below, I thought I wouldn't review this, and just move forward onto the next one. But I figured that, that just wouldn't be right, as you bring in a TWO new characters, and I just can't resist geeking over that!

Naomi is such a pretty name! Whenever I hear it, I always get this impression of an Asian girl, dressed up, looking super pretty! As I know you haven't really described her yet, I can't exactly make that type of assumption, but I couldn't resist building that picture of her in my mind.

Also, in the beginning, I just loved the relationship that you built between the mother and daughter. There aren't many mother's and daughters that will sit down and just talk girl stuff. Guys I guess are part of that kind of talk, even if I don't ever do it. XD But I felt that I could understand, why she was asking her mother, if it was to soon to be going out with another guy.

Oh, one thing I thought I should comment on, even if it's stupidly silly. Bill? Well, that seems rather common place and just downright boring. Sorry, but it is. ;) Now I know it's just a character that is mentioned, but it stuck out so much to me, that I thought you could give him a name that is a little bit cooler that Bill, and have it measure up a little to the rest of the character's names. They for one, have just totes awesome names, and I adore every single one of them.

One character that I found myself tolerating was Jake. Bleh, that guy needs some help. What is his problem? I hope to be learning more about him, as somebody who thinks it's fun to just go and pick up girls and then toss them aside, either had something happen to them early on in their childhood, or just has something seriously messed up in his head. XD I liked his reaction though when he hit the ground. It was cute... :P

Also, it's good that you're bringing in a character that is part of this group and is male at the same time. Interesting, cause at first I thought they were all going to be girls. Since this is your story, and this is mainly my opinion right now, you don't need to really listen to me in this. But I'd suggest putting him into a earlier chapter. It's the seventh chapter and we just now learn that there's a guy in this group? Maybe the fourth or fifth, or do some sort of toss up with the characters? Don't know if that makes any sense, but I just thought it was a bit late to introduce him into this group now. Just my opinion, so it's not Gospel. :D

when It came


Traunt did mention this earlier, on not putting "It" in caps, but I thought I would too. Maybe place it in italics, to provide more drama to it? That's what italics are for. That and the thought process. :D

Then, just when she thought she would go mad


Hmm, I only had one little problem with this line. For one, it hurt like hell, right? Having a sound so loud that it felt like it would burst your eardrums, is bound to hurt. Saying that, " she thought she would go mad" seems to just not be the right thing to say. Maybe say something along the lines of, how much pain she was in? Or something like that. Just didn't seem right is all.

Damn.


Personally, I hate language when reading, but for this character I'd say it's good. For one, he seems like the kinda guy that would do that, and for another, it fits the situation perfectly! I would suggest putting it into italics, in order to create more of an emphasis on it. ;)

And I'm done with nitpicks! As usual, beautiful job! I got to meet a new character, and also got to experience what it was like for them, when being called. Awesome! Now I'll be moving onto Chapter 8, and will be more than eager to meet some more characters and see how they deal with each other, when together. :D

Keep writing!

~Cricket




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Mon Aug 11, 2014 12:29 pm
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Noelle wrote a review...



Hi there!

Oh gosh, Naomi is like, one of my all time favorite name. So pretty. I love it :)

It was in the exact centre of her brain, where she couldn’t reach or stop it.

Just wondering, how exactly does she know where in her brain the pain is coming from? I mean, a brain is an internal body part, so she can't really touch it to know where it hurts. My point is, maybe just say it hurt her brain. Because really, there's no way that you can stop even a headache without medicine or anything. I know that this all has to do with powers and whatnot, but I feel like it should still be a little realistic.

The neon lights of the old building flickered violently from possible over use.

Here is another spot where you use a word with a loose meaning to describe something. You're writing this in third person POV, which means you, the narrator, knows what is going on around your characters. Therefore, you know whether the building lights are flickering because of over use or not. Remember as you go on writing. You have more power to describe and inform us than you think.

Oh, this is where things start to heat up. I don't know why, but I was under the impression that the Psychic Circle was only made up of girls o.o So it's nice to see a boy getting into the mix here. And that distress call stopped him from picking up some innocent girl for a one night stand. Thank you Alexis!

I really like how you're introducing the new characters. It kind of reminds me of when they introduce super heroes in those cartoons and flash from one character to the next, showing their name and having crazy lights dance around behind them. But yours is much better than that. You don't just tell us who the other members of the Circle are, you give us some of their history. It's not much information, but it's enough that we get our fill. I know all about Naomi and Jack that I need to know at this point. We'll learn more about them later on, I'm sure.

Heading over to the next chapter now!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**




deleted3 says...


I never thought of the character intros like that! I'm glad I was able to paint a "colourful" picture with my words, since that is my goal at the end of every scene.

But yes! I must kill the loosely defined words! They slip in sneakily >:-(

About Naomi's experience with the pain, I remember how I found it a challenge to describe the supernatural aspects when I started writing. At times I write the best description I can think of, even though I don't think it's perfect. I usually keep writing, and leave the edits for the rewrite!

I laughed so hard when you thanked Alexia for saving the anonymous girl from being hit on! I'll think of ways to develop more interesting situations as the story develops :-P



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Sun Jun 29, 2014 11:56 am
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AstralHunter wrote a review...



Salutations.

This chapter was as well written as all of your previous works that I have reviewed, but the highlight of this chapter was the excellent characterisation. In such a small timeframe, you took two, no, three characters and gave each their own personality, quirks and all. Obviously these characters have featured before, what with this being your seventh chapter, but it reads like a first chapter should - absorbing.


Naomi Silverton was in her home when she received Alexia's Call.

Only after reading the chapter does this make sense, but as the reader does not know what it means yet, they usually want to find out. (That's a compliment. :) )

...the TV playing on low, quite ignored in front of them.

This part seems a little awkward, but I am not certain as to how to improve it...

It was guy talk tonight...

You must remember that only the dialogue is in direct speech; the narrative is always in reported speech. Thus, tonight must be that night.

An eavesdropper would hear the familiar girlish titter associated with the ritual taunting of the opposite sex.

I like how you employ this idea of an "eavesdropper" to subtly make your point. Subtlety, as well as finding alternate ways of saying certain things, are some of the characteristics of many great authors.

Ever since her father had died, Naomi and her mother Tracy had felt a strong need to lean on each other emotionally.

Commas are missing before and after Tracy.

"Well, fetch the tea then!" her mother said.

I suggest exchanging the underlined for replied.

She glanced at her mother, catching a very mischievous grin on her face, and her fingers raised, waggling in the air in a threatening manner.

Naomi gasped. "Oh no, now you know that's not fai- eeek!" Naomi exploded into squealing giggles as her mother tickled her relentlessly.

They are an adorable pair, I must admit.

She got herbal tea bags from a honey jar in the top cupboard (they both enjoyed herbal), and collected an artsy tea set onto a tray.

The underlined means "taking"; I think you meant placed.

She had an impulse to run to the sitting room and play-wrestle her mother.

Is "sitting room" a definite term from where you hail? Usually the room to which you are referring is called a "lounge".

her voice was quivering slightly.

The "h" of her should be capitalised. Also, I think "Her mother's voice" would work better, and after something like that happened, I don't think the mother's voice will be quivering slightly.

This was no tumour.

Remember, reported speech: That


After that, there are few to no mistakes. As I have said earlier in my review, your characterisation has been splendidly done, and I applaud you for that. Also, in contrast with Naomi and Tracy, I don't like Jake too much, but that is also indicative of good writing, as that was your intention. I applaud your skills.

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IamTraunt wrote a review...



Hey! IamTraunt here to review!

Corrections!

I know you're trying to make the scene dramatic, but you don't really need to capitalize the 'it':

In fact, she was right at the border between the tiles and the carpet when It came.


What happened? What should I do? Has this happened before, are you sure you're ok...

The comma after 'happened' needs to be a question mark and after the ellipse needs to be a question mark also.

She heard a familiar buzzing as she heard several thoughts coming at once from her mothers mind.

'mothers' needs to me changed to 'mother's'.

It would not be what Naomi could read at the front of her mother's mind, clear as day.

Do you mean 'it wasn't'? I was confused at this point. I thought Alexia had sent out a message to Naomi, but then you put 'it would not', which is future tense. Maybe you should reread that part and correct it.

It definitely earned its name, with bits of ceiling coming apart occasionally and its flaking walls.

I thought the last part of your sentence was phrased a little funnily. If you put 'It definitely earned its name, with bits of ceiling occasionally coming apart and its flaking walls' then it would sound more accurate.

He flicked his cigarette butt into the gloomy corner he was standing and stepped into the light of the bar.

You forgot to put 'in' after 'standing'.

Before he knew it he was outside, face-down in a puddle that smelt rancid.

You need to put a comma after 'knew it' and also, 'rancid' is used for things such as 'rancid butter' or 'rancid smell of smoke'. I'm slightly confused. Did he fall in a puddle of water? Or something else?

"Oh, Alex you crazy red head." He murmured as he wiped the gunk off his face. "What have you gotten us into this time?"

You just need a comma after 'Alex'.

Characters!

Oooooh! New characters! Yay! I'm liking this! So, here we have Naomi, quite a humorous character, a very likable one at that. I love how she has that strong bond with her mother - it gave your story that needed realism. And its a good contrast to Alexia's relationship with her Stepfather and you show that variation that a story needs. Good work!
Also, I like Jake as a character - he's that bubbly, charming sort-of guy that people like. He is quite a cheesy, classic sort of guy and we can't always have a originality, right? But, you don't have to be entirely original to have a good story.

Storyline!

I'm loving the plot so far! This chapter has not only added in new characters, but a new sense of action and unrolling of events! I'm really excited about reading on. Ever since you mentioned the medallion, your story has begun to involve into a series of events. Your pace has quicken dramatically and this is a turning pointing in your story where the adventure begins! I find it quite interesting have you've used Alexia to send Naomi and James telepathic messages. And so the journey begins!

Great job! Keep up the good work!




deleted3 says...


Thanks! :-D




Perfect kindness acts without thinking of kindness.
— Lao Tse